So the sex therapist said...

[DVS]

That's right. We've been going to a sex therapist. Well ok, we started seeing him (as a regular ole' therapist) because of my husband's OCD/panic attacks. Anyway, the guy does systems therapy and is especially interested in sexual relationships, so we knew the day would come when D/s would come up. That day was today.

I'm still digesting the session and sort of waiting to see what will happen next. A couple of things stand out in my mind. One, he made a comment about how sometimes women need control taken from them in order to be uninhibited enough to enjoy sex (which is probably a thread in its own right). Two, my husband was really, really NOT enjoying therapy tonight. And three, I think the therapist would really get a kick out of Lit. Hell, he may be lurking here already.

So yeah, interesting night. Thought I'd share.

OK, I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice posts on this one, so I won't be the only one. But, I see many therapists as those who went into the biz because they wanted to understand their own problems.

I know of one such therapist who admitted to me she wanted to understand her desires to cut and scar herself and that was why she is who she is today.

I happened to answer an ad she had posted for a Dom. She sent me pictures of her scars before we talked much, making sure I saw what she was. The scars didn't bother me, and I told her so. She didn't believe me, and wouldn't meet me, because she didn't think she could trust me, because I was a liar.

OK, I seriously didn't mind the scars. I did tell her I didn't ever want to see her cutting herself, because I don't like blood, but what she did when she wasn't around me was none of my business.

But, she stuck to her story, although she did open up more via the emails, after that. I think that was because she knew we would never meet, so she let me pick her brain. I think she was just looking for the fright factor from men, or maybe pity, perhaps.

I wonder if she ever did meet anyone face to face, if she was as untrusting as she seemed to be with me. There was nothing I could say that she didn't twist around as a lie or something I was hiding. Of course we never met in real life, so she was only studying my mind through my words.

A few other points I would like to add. First, panic attacks aren't easy to handle (yes, I get them) but I took Zoloft for a while until I figured out my triggers and can now deal with them on that level. I stopped taking the Zoloft, although it did make me feel REAL GOOD!

My sister has them, and continues to take Zoloft, my mother had them and I also have an aunt who has them until a few years ago. I don't know if she even knows why she no longer gets them. But, yep, we're just a sicko family, I guess. So, I guess I'm a sicko kinko!

Now, I know nothing of OCD, although I did date a girl who had it. I didn't know you needed therapy for that, though. Is that a common step to take in such cases?

And, you mention the therapist was especially interested in sexual relationships. Who isn't? But, I've always been a bit bothered by someone else telling me how to live and understand my own sexual likes and why I like them.

I have a very good friend who lives in California. I went out there to visit one time, several years ago. He is very smart, and at the time was going to school to be a psychologist. One day, we went to see a female friend of his.

As we were leaving, he told me she likes to beat on men, and her boyfriend liked her to beat on him. The way he said this was most disturbing to me, because he saw it as a terrible sickness in both of them.

I also wonder why he even told me about it, if he wasn't somehow interested. Sexual deviations aren't something I go around talking about with my vanilla friends. I think these friends of his must have been open with him and they were paying the price and didn't even know it.

At the time, he had no idea how I am sexually, so that was not a factor in what he said or why he said it. Now, years later, I mentioned I had a girl friend that liked me to spank her. He was quick to say she had some guilt issue in her life she needed to deal with.

I told him she enjoyed it when I spanked her and doubted she wanted to deal with her guilt, if she had any. Of course he didn't see this as helping her any, and of course I do.

What does this all boil down to? I don't think therapists, especially those "interested in sexual relationships" are much more than voyeurs living out their fantasies through your visits. And, you are paying for it.

And, please, don't be offended of anything I've said. I know nothing more than what I've seen, and this doctor could be a very good therapist, for all I know.

I would be interested in knowing more of his "treatments", and if you agree with his suggestions.

 

[redelicious]

Ahhhh And now the Sig..Quote makes much more sense...Indeed

(It's a line from "Jimi Thing" by Dave Matthews Band.)

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[redelicious]

Re: Re: Wicked Grin

Warrior sub, reporting for duty.

I would have honestly been kinda (read as: A lot) pissed off had my therapist tried to pass off the horse shit that 'sometimes women need control taken from them in order to be uninhibited enough to enjoy sex' on me and C... Not to mention that C might have hurt himself laughing.

If he'd said sometimes _people_ need that, that'd be okay. But the 50's wife idea that women like to 'lie back and think of England'.. to steal from the Victorian stricture about enduring sex... is ridiculous and antiquated, not to mention downright false and misleading.

I have an unapologetically lusty view of life and my personal pleasure, and always have.. and not only have I never been told that it makes me less feminine... I've frequently been complimented on my lack of hangups about getting what I need out of sex.

(Nothing towards you, redelicious.. I'm just commenting in a general sense towards the quote, not towards your personal therapy experience, which I hope is helpful for both of you. )

I still tend to think that the therapist was over-generalizing for the sake of my husband. I personally don't think it applies to me, but we really didn't get into that. However, I wonder if there isn't some truth in his comment for some women that he sees - if only because frank sexual discussion and openess isn't part of the culture here. You gotta remember, I live in the South (think red state) where people are slow to accept social change.

 

[redelicious]

I wouldn't be angry, just sort of wondering if this thearpist is right to handle bedroom issues...

and what he says isn't totally off base.

<SNIP>

the therapist probably has no real contact with BDSM people - at least not knowingly, and therefore can only draw assumptions from literature, which i think we all know... only takes you part of the way to understanding.

i think the better question is... do you want your therapist poking this buried beehive (at least for you) if you are at peace with your compromise (read sacrafice) or are you secretly glad that your therapist is forcing your husband to deal with it.

it would only be compromise if he was willing to give you some of the things you want and you were willing to give up some... but it seems you have given up everything?

i hope though, that you both come out of this the better for it.

Actually, it seems our therapist is pretty involved in the local kink community (though obviously not the lifestyle). We've only talked about BDSM in a very superficial way, so I have no way of really knowing just how much of it the therapist really gets. The watered down version is about all that hubby can handle, and I'm okay with that for now.

I did make a sacrafice, though I wouldn't say I'm at peace with it. Up until now there hasn't been any compromise. I gave up a lot for the sake of keeping my marriage and family together. So yes, I am openly glad that my husband has to deal with the situation.

Ty SB for your thoughts. This is definetely a turning point in our relationship, and hopefully a good one.

 

[redelicious]

Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

OK, I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice posts on this one, so I won't be the only one. But, I see many therapists as those who went into the biz because they wanted to understand their own problems.

I know of one such therapist who admitted to me she wanted to understand her desires to cut and scar herself and that was why she is who she is today.

I happened to answer an ad she had posted for a Dom. She sent me pictures of her scars before we talked much, making sure I saw what she was. The scars didn't bother me, and I told her so. She didn't believe me, and wouldn't meet me, because she didn't think she could trust me, because I was a liar.

OK, I seriously didn't mind the scars. I did tell her I didn't ever want to see her cutting herself, because I don't like blood, but what she did when she wasn't around me was none of my business.

But, she stuck to her story, although she did open up more via the emails, after that. I think that was because she knew we would never meet, so she let me pick her brain. I think she was just looking for the fright factor from men, or maybe pity, perhaps.

I wonder if she ever did meet anyone face to face, if she was as untrusting as she seemed to be with me. There was nothing I could say that she didn't twist around as a lie or something I was hiding. Of course we never met in real life, so she was only studying my mind through my words.

A few other points I would like to add. First, panic attacks aren't easy to handle (yes, I get them) but I took Zoloft for a while until I figured out my triggers and can now deal with them on that level. I stopped taking the Zoloft, although it did make me feel REAL GOOD!

My sister has them, and continues to take Zoloft, my mother had them and I also have an aunt who has them until a few years ago. I don't know if she even knows why she no longer gets them. But, yep, we're just a sicko family, I guess. So, I guess I'm a sicko kinko!

Now, I know nothing of OCD, although I did date a girl who had it. I didn't know you needed therapy for that, though. Is that a common step to take in such cases?

And, you mention the therapist was especially interested in sexual relationships. Who isn't? But, I've always been a bit bothered by someone else telling me how to live and understand my own sexual likes and why I like them.

I have a very good friend who lives in California. I went out there to visit one time, several years ago. He is very smart, and at the time was going to school to be a psychologist. One day, we went to see a female friend of his.

As we were leaving, he told me she likes to beat on men, and her boyfriend liked her to beat on him. The way he said this was most disturbing to me, because he saw it as a terrible sickness in both of them.

I also wonder why he even told me about it, if he wasn't somehow interested. Sexual deviations aren't something I go around talking about with my vanilla friends. I think these friends of his must have been open with him and they were paying the price and didn't even know it.

At the time, he had no idea how I am sexually, so that was not a factor in what he said or why he said it. Now, years later, I mentioned I had a girl friend that liked me to spank her. He was quick to say she had some guilt issue in her life she needed to deal with.

I told him she enjoyed it when I spanked her and doubted she wanted to deal with her guilt, if she had any. Of course he didn't see this as helping her any, and of course I do.

What does this all boil down to? I don't think therapists, especially those "interested in sexual relationships" are much more than voyeurs living out their fantasies through your visits. And, you are paying for it.

And, please, don't be offended of anything I've said. I know nothing more than what I've seen, and this doctor could be a very good therapist, for all I know.

I would be interested in knowing more of his "treatments", and if you agree with his suggestions.

I don't know our therapist's personal background aside from the fact he and his wife (also a sex therapist) are somehow involved in our local kink community. I think he believes that great sex should be an important part of committed relationships (and who am I to argue?). I'm sure there's more to it then that, but I'm not concerned. I don't think it effects me, at least currently. I don't get a weird feeling that he is somehow purving off us - and believe me I would be out the door if I did.

My husband's OCD and panic attacks are intertwined. He also has a tendency toward emotional outburst when his symptoms get out of control. This is what finally led us to therapy. I don't know what is considered normal treatment protocal for OCD. What I can tell you is that my husband was almost totally debilitated by it. He seriously thought he was dying though he only had vague symptoms and no causes that any doctor could find. He couldn't work and was a basket case at home at a time when I desperately needed his support (I had just given birth and we already had a 3 year old at home). Thankfully the situation has stabilized enough where we can even consider discussing sex.

The therapist's first suggestions were very basic (for example he told hubby to try restraining my hands during sex). We go back tonight. I hoping that we will pick up where we left off, and I'm very interested to see where it all goes.

And thank you for your comments. I wasn't at all offended by them. I think all the points brought up to me in this thread are valid, and important to consider.

 

[redelicious]

(Dave... is... a... god. )

 

[arctic-stranger]

Snip...


And three, I think the therapist would really get a kick out of Lit. Hell, he may be lurking here already.

So yeah, interesting night. Thought I'd share.

Damn. you found me out!

 

[redelicious]

Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

Damn. you found me out!

South Carolina to Alaska. I better get moving if I'm going to make it on time.

 

[shy slave]

shyslave, you said you sometimes want to be without responsibilities of control in order to have a mind blowing orgasm... isn't that just another way of saying that the bondage removes those... and let's just define inhibitions loosely as anything that acts as a obstacle... but that bondage removes those obstacles which make your mind blowing orgasms reachable?

I am a bondage fetishist... it's not just that I like having control taken away from me... I always have the control to stop it by asking for mercy, it's more I like the guise of being under control and I like the freedom, i like that being tied down removes from me the inhibitions i have that would normally stop me from thrashing about all i wanted.

Sky I love Bondage. The enslavement of it completes me. It makes me feel whole and stripped to nothing but the 'real' me. No public face or private horrors. It allows me to live that moment in the present. Living in the present fits into my spiritual beliefs.

I need more than bondage to help me achieve the freedom I crave and need to centre myself.
Taking away all aspects of personal control, including privacy, allows me to be free of the obstacles you talk of. I can at that moment be a free floating object with a will and therefore without responsibilities. I don't find it an easy state to achieve and it does not happen at every session but it is akin to a meditation that takes you away from the present and into your inner self.

 

[arctic-stranger]

Sky I love Bondage. The enslavement of it completes me. It makes me feel whole and stripped to nothing but the 'real' me. No public face or private horrors. It allows me to live that moment in the present. Living in the present fits into my spiritual beliefs.

I need more than bondage to help me achieve the freedom I crave and need to centre myself.
Taking away all aspects of personal control, including privacy, allows me to be free of the obstacles you talk of. I can at that moment be a free floating object with a will and therefore without responsibilities. I don't find it an easy state to achieve and it does not happen at every session but it is akin to a meditation that takes you away from the present and into your inner self.

I love the way you refer to the Present in your post. First that bondages puts you into the Present in a spiritual way (which for some is the essence of spirituality...living NOW),

yet later you say it takes you away from the present, and into your inner self.

i reasonate with that, except for me it is a matter of being on the Other Side, the controlling side. It is merging of the eternal Now with the eternal Self.

Not quite enlightenment, because Buddha would say do that you can do this without domination. But damn close.

 

[shy slave]

It is merging of the eternal Now with the eternal Self.

Not quite enlightenment, because Buddha would say do that you can do this without domination. But damn close.

Beautiful words and your right, Damn close to enlightenment
edited for my damn spelling

 

[arctic-stranger]

Beautiful words and your right Damn close to enlightenment
edited for my damn spelling

sounds like you are not so shy after all!

 

[Sodality]

That's right. We've been going to a sex therapist. Well ok, we started seeing him (as a regular ole' therapist) because of my husband's OCD/panic attacks. Anyway, the guy does systems therapy and is especially interested in sexual relationships, so we knew the day would come when D/s would come up. That day was today.

I'm still digesting the session and sort of waiting to see what will happen next. A couple of things stand out in my mind. One, he made a comment about how sometimes women need control taken from them in order to be uninhibited enough to enjoy sex (which is probably a thread in its own right). Two, my husband was really, really NOT enjoying therapy tonight. And three, I think the therapist would really get a kick out of Lit. Hell, he may be lurking here already.

So yeah, interesting night. Thought I'd share.

mmm kay well hrmm...I'm studying to be a Psychologist... My field will be sexual interaction, BDSM, and allll sorts of other goodies.. But the thing I found interestiong was actually given to me by a movie "Girl Interrupted"
The-Rapist if ya break the word down anal-ist..... Anyhow I thought it amusing, but I do not think, that the line of "needing control taken from them to enjoy sex" wasnt exactly on target, I am sure women are able to enjoy sex without that, wanting instead of needing would have been more appropriate in my humble opinion. Ok now I am broke, I put my 2 cents in lol

 

[arctic-stranger]

Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

Cut.....

The-Rapist if ya break the word down anal-ist.....

That absolutely made my day!!!

 

[Sodality]

Re: Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

That absolutely made my day!!!

Why Thank You Thank You very much I'll be here all week.........Try the Veal

 

[redelicious]

Sky I love Bondage. The enslavement of it completes me. It makes me feel whole and stripped to nothing but the 'real' me. No public face or private horrors. It allows me to live that moment in the present. Living in the present fits into my spiritual beliefs.

I need more than bondage to help me achieve the freedom I crave and need to centre myself.
Taking away all aspects of personal control, including privacy, allows me to be free of the obstacles you talk of. I can at that moment be a free floating object with a will and therefore without responsibilities. I don't find it an easy state to achieve and it does not happen at every session but it is akin to a meditation that takes you away from the present and into your inner self.

This is a great post. Thank you for sharing it here.

 

[redelicious]

Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

. . .I do not think, that the line of "needing control taken from them to enjoy sex" wasnt exactly on target, I am sure women are able to enjoy sex without that, wanting instead of needing would have been more appropriate in my humble opinion. Ok now I am broke, I put my 2 cents in lol

I'm not sure where I stand on that. I think some submissives (not just women) do see it as a need. As for me, do I have to be submitting in order to orgasm? No. But, will I feel sexually fulfilled without it? Haven't yet. I don't know where the line between desire and need is.

 

[Sodality]

Re: Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

I'm not sure where I stand on that. I think some submissives (not just women) do see it as a need. As for me, do I have to be submitting in order to orgasm? No. But, will I feel sexually fulfilled without it? Haven't yet. I don't know where the line between desire and need is.

That is so true, that there is a very fine fine line between what one needs and what one wants. I dont absolutely have to positively give up copntrol to have sex, ALthough either way with or without control, it would really depend on the other person and how I felt about them as far as being fulfilled and what not.

So I guess you are right there is no one difinitive answer, but the way it was posted made me seriously think about it, which in a round about way is what the "the-rapist" was looking to do. We all question ourselves all the time. THat is how we learn our wants our desires and our needs I suppose.

 

[arctic-stranger]

Part of the issue is what a therapist is for.

As i see it, we all have baggage. Sometimes it gets really heavy, heavier than it should be, heavier than what we can carry.

a therapist provides a safe place for us to stop, and "go through the baggage." He or she might ask, "Do you really need this? Why are you carryng that?"

They do not go through your bags for you, nor do they throw stuff out without your permission. They give you a place of respite, contemplation, and safety.

But you have to do all the work.

I have a friend who is seeing a therapist, and everytime any of her "kinks" come up, the therapist feels the need to say, "Well I am a Christian."

that is extremely poor therapy.

ps, i thnk most therapist are inherently voyouristic.

 

[DVS]

I have a friend who is seeing a therapist, and everytime any of her "kinks" come up, the therapist feels the need to say, "Well I am a Christian."

that is extremely poor therapy.

ps, i thnk most therapist are inherently voyouristic.

I'm glad you said that, because I do believe that to be true. And, it might be necessary for them to be voyouristic. I just don't like someone perving on my kinks and me being force to pay for it. LOL

But, I agree with you on the Christian statement. A bad thing to say, because it then limits the person from saying things that might be necessary for them to get out.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[DVS]

(Thank god we didn't do what friends advised and use a therapist with a Christian bend to his/her work. *shudder*.)

You don't know how true that statement really is. Or, maybe you do.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[redelicious]

Part of the issue is what a therapist is for.

As i see it, we all have baggage. Sometimes it gets really heavy, heavier than it should be, heavier than what we can carry.

a therapist provides a safe place for us to stop, and "go through the baggage." He or she might ask, "Do you really need this? Why are you carryng that?"

They do not go through your bags for you, nor do they throw stuff out without your permission. They give you a place of respite, contemplation, and safety.

But you have to do all the work.

I have a friend who is seeing a therapist, and everytime any of her "kinks" come up, the therapist feels the need to say, "Well I am a Christian."

that is extremely poor therapy.

ps, i thnk most therapist are inherently voyouristic.

I think I understand the point you are trying to make. For the most part our therapist has done a good job, but I'll admit he has an agenda - which is that he wants to see us having satisfying sex as a couple. And more recently, he was interested in us having any kind of sex, period (we just got through a 7 month + dry spell). He didn't push or set sex as a goal for us to accomplish, but he did inquire.

I suppose it's probably just as inappropriate when the subject of kink comes up to say "well I'm a sex therapist, so you're in the right place" (which isn't exactly what he says, but you get the idea). I don't know if a comment like that is meant to put us at ease, build trust, or what. I was comfortable with the whole idea - more then I thought I would be actually. My conservative husband needed some warming up.

I will say that last night the therapist did not attempt to explain why I need D/s, only that I do. I was glad that he took that approach, not because I want to avoid talking about why but because it's not up to him to describe what's true for me.