Socially, how to make the best out of relocating?

[Christopher2012]

I agree with others, the biggest change isn't about appearance, it isn't about losing weight or having an x cock, it is about attitude, and to be blunt you need to work on yours. Why be nice to people? Because most people will treat you a)the way you let them treat you and b)as you treat them. Read books on psychology of human interactions and one of the things you begin to understand is most of what goes on is not conscious, it happens via body language and perceptions and signals. Looking people in the eye and smiling isn't just picked up with you mind saying "oh, that's great, he is smiling at me", the signals are picked up by the subconscious way before there is a thought behind it (I recommend reading Gladwell's book "blink" on the subject). People pick up your body language, the way you hold yourself, long before they ever think about you. In the business world, there is a statement that the tone of the interview is often set in the first 30 seconds, and there is a lot of truth to it, which is why first impressions are so important there. Someone who refuses to look others in the eye or smile are often perceived as being cold or aloof jerks looking down on others, for example, and it takes a split second decision to come to that conclusion.....

Well, I'm nice. I just don't go out of my way to be nice. If my path doesn't collide with somebody else's life, then why force myself on them? That just seems invasive and creepy (if it's a chick).

Interviews don't bother me. I'm okay with work-related stuff. Business is business. So, interviews are fine. I can look you in the eye if you're my boss. I can't look you in the eye, however, if I think you're just another human being trying to live their life.

In terms of meeting other people, there are many ways to do that, depends on your interests. If you like to read, lots of bookstores and libraries have book discussion groups. Gyms are ways to meet people, get to talk to them and such, never know what you are going to find there. There are tons of rec groups out there, for everything from sports to BD/SM group munches (threw that one in for the fun of it, just to give an idea of what is out there), do a google search or look at online listings in local papers or weekly papers and see what is out there. I don't recommend trying to socialize with groups that tend to be anti social,many gamers live in cyberspace more then reality; on the other hand, many people into comic cons and cos play, though considered weird by some, are pretty sociable IME...

I don't like to read. Where did you guys get that impression?

Yes, I'm doing the gym. I'm banking on it even though that totally goes against your advice. I disagree with you completely. A better body would probably make me more attractive just as a person in general.

I think the biggest thing you need to change based on your prior posts is trying to find the 'perfect thing', it doesn't exist, people, whether friends or love interests, are flawed and you need to forgive them for not being perfect. More importantly, you need to stop beating yourself up and saying "I am x, so why bother" or "who would want to be with me"....those are self defeating mechanisms designed to sabotage yourself, not the reality. Sure, there are things we all realize about ourselves, that we don't like, and it is always good to work on them, like losing weight or keeping skin from looking old, but a lot of that is an inner voice that is scared as shit trying to keep us from trying, not because it fears failure, but success, that we might actually put ourselves in a position to do something the inner voice doesn't like... It is funny, you have listed things in your posts about the gal you were wooing, for example, that most would see as positives, you are bright, you are well educated, have solid job prospects, you aren't particularly prudish (least I would guess so being on this board), you do have a sense of humor in there somewhere, which means there is something there already that a lot of people, on a friend or relationship basis, would want to meet.
You asked about how to meet people, and the easiest answer is to keep yourself around people......sitting at home, watching tv or video games or surfing the net, doesn't bring you in human contact, and texting and IM is no replacement for face to face interactions on any level (it is why I find facebook to be something less then a golden thing, the car ad with some twenty something twit glued to Facebook and saying how she has 865 friends on there, while her parents are 'anti social' [meanwhile showing them out with friends doing things] because they only have 19 'friends', while done sardonically, is a reality out there). One little secret, make a couple of good friends and suddenly the circle starts exploding outwards, they meet others, and so forth. Work on finding the couple, and the rest happens IME.

Okay, I get not looking for the perfect thing. I get that I need to quit being a defeatist. And I get that I need to be around people. And yes, I agree about Facebook. That's why I don't have Facebook anymore.

Well, hopefully the move goes well. I'm shooting for a move date of September 1st. We'll see how it goes. But remember, I'm talking exams and my focus my be skewed and unstable for a while. I'm trying to get settled with a new location, a new job, new responsibilities, and a whole new change. So, I'm may be a loner for a while still...

 

[Christopher2012]

When I moved to a new place in my mid-twenties I purposely didn't allow myself to get either cable or internet at home. It forced me to go out and meet people--I joined a triathlon group (where I eventually met my husband ), I learned how to compost, garden and cook, I joined a knitting group, I took a random class at a local university for fun, etc. These were all things that a relatively shy person like me would never have done had I allowed myself to spend every night online or watching TV.

It was a bit extreme, but I think the approach--of forcing yourself away from activities that act as your social crutches, and not having to rely on willpower to do so, since any failure with that approach just makes you feel like a failure--might help.

Oooh nooo, that's not possible. I have to have internet. I can live without cable, but I have to have internet.

And yes, I need to learn how to cook! That's what I'm going to do, too.

Oh, and no more school. Please don't say the words "class" and "school." haha

 

[Lord Pmann]

Okay, I've read everybody's comments. I'm not going to respond to all, but thanks to all of you.

First of all, pmann... I have a pretty decent wardrobe for now. You have to remember, work is pretty much my entire life other than the guy who sits on this forum. So, my wardrobe is all casual dress and dress. I will admit that I look kind of funny sometimes because I wear running shoes with dress clothes but that's because I stand up all day.

I do notice something interesting though. I've gotten so many compliments from the Kenneth Cole shirts that I have (which you mentioned). I jokingly bought a bright fuchsia one because I was acting gay one day. Yes, I spent $65 on a shirt to act gay. Anyway, a couple of girls told me that it actually wasn't a bad idea to buy more bright and vibrant colored shirts to add to the collection.

I don't have the money to drop on anymore shirts right now, but I'll definitely add some exotic colors to the list when I start my new job.

Oh and no, I don't have a watch with a calculator on it. haha You're an engineer, which means you took a lot of physics. All the physics classes that I've ever seen were mostly male. Well, I'm pharmacy and my graduating class was 80% women. So, I guess the point is that I avoid any nerdy clothing items.

Kenneth Cole makes a fine dress shirt. I also find that girls dig a pink shirt. At least the type of girls I like. Loads of girls reading this are probably rolling their eyes right now.

 

[imemkay]

Not Rolling My Eyes

Just wanted to confirm that yes, girls dig pink shirts. Well, this one does at least! Good luck in your new city! Have fun and get yourself out there!!!

 

[Lord Pmann]

Just wanted to confirm that yes, girls dig pink shirts. Well, this one does at least! Good luck in your new city! Have fun and get yourself out there!!!

Excuse me, Christopher, as I use your thread to introduce myself to Ms imemkay.

"Hello, imemkay, my name is Pmann and I wear pink shirts."

 

[Christopher2012]

Excuse me, Christopher, as I use your thread to introduce myself to Ms imemkay.

"Hello, imemkay, my name is Pmann and I wear pink shirts."

Well that's okay but she lives kinda far away.

 

[njlauren]

Well, I'm nice. I just don't go out of my way to be nice. If my path doesn't collide with somebody else's life, then why force myself on them? That just seems invasive and creepy (if it's a chick).

Interviews don't bother me. I'm okay with work-related stuff. Business is business. So, interviews are fine. I can look you in the eye if you're my boss. I can't look you in the eye, however, if I think you're just another human being trying to live their life.



I don't like to read. Where did you guys get that impression?

Yes, I'm doing the gym. I'm banking on it even though that totally goes against your advice. I disagree with you completely. A better body would probably make me more attractive just as a person in general.



Okay, I get not looking for the perfect thing. I get that I need to quit being a defeatist. And I get that I need to be around people. And yes, I agree about Facebook. That's why I don't have Facebook anymore.

Well, hopefully the move goes well. I'm shooting for a move date of September 1st. We'll see how it goes. But remember, I'm talking exams and my focus my be skewed and unstable for a while. I'm trying to get settled with a new location, a new job, new responsibilities, and a whole new change. So, I'm may be a loner for a while still...

The reason you can handle an interview and looking people in the eye is you have internalized that this is important in getting a job. Looking people in the eye when you meet them isn't creepy, in actuality when you meet someone and they avert their eyes it generally freaks people out, it makes them wonder why someone is doing that. It doesn't mean you stare at someone, but eye con act is important. As far as not forcing yourself on people, I don't think anyone is suggesting that, but often in social situations you have to make the first effort, go up to someone and say hi, introduce yourself, whatever. With a woman you might like, they are going to expect you to make that move, that is still the norm with male-female relationships......and the same thing applies with friends as well, sometimes you have to make the first move. Being invasive or being a stalker is not the same thing as being sociable.... few people are taken aback is someone introduces themselves to him/her or chats them up in a social setting, there is nothing creepy about it. It could be you are projecting your own unease with being sociable on others, I don't know you so I throw that out as a possibility. You have said you are okay at work in dealing with people, can be appropriately social with them and such, in part because you have internalized that that is expected in a work situation, it is in social ones, too.

Getting your body in shape is important or more important, feeling good about yourself, but a toned body with issues with dealing with people isn't going to work all that much better, because someone might be attracted to you as a friend or for a relationship because you look good, but if you can't follow through, it isn't going to work out......my thought was simply that going to the gym wasn't going to solve your main problems of finding friends or relationships by itself; by all means, going to a gym can help give you self confidence (which is important) and make you feel better, but there is more to it then that, that is all.

I don't think anyone is expecting you to have 20 friends by the time you move there and have been there for a month or whatever, you need to give yourself time to get established, through your exams,etc. You don't need a ton of friends, finding one good friend is a really good start, the rest kind of follows from that. You will meet people in the course of simply being out there and living, friends come from weird places, you never know where you will meet friends and more......friend of mine met the love of his life at the frozen foods section of his local supermarket, go figure

 

[Christopher2012]

God damn it... but eye contact sucks fat balls.

 

[imemkay]

Christopher, you don't need to live in close proximity to have a little fun!

 

[Christopher2012]

Christopher, you don't need to live in close proximity to have a little fun!

Oh that's right, pmann's dick reaches that far. I forgot.

 

[alice27]

ok babe

Christopher,
You have a lot of potential to really have a fantastic new chapter of your life ahead of you. Be the best you that you can be. Think about everything it takes to be the best version of you, and then go do it. Like go to the gym, spend a little bit of cash with your new job to get some nice key pieces of clothing, and maybe think about buying some new music or reading, like jsu topen your self up to new things. Listen to the news on the radio as you go to work, make sure you have thoughts in your head to talk about and then GO OUT. It won't be easy to make friends at first, I would even suggest you NOT hook up our xbox and tv. SHOCK HORROR. i know. But please, try to get out of the house , and go experience new things. You will get lonely, and then come here, and we'll boost you up, but get out there and do things. Your life will change.
Best of luck,
-Alice

 

[Christopher2012]

I would even suggest you NOT hook up our xbox and tv. SHOCK HORROR.

OH.

HELL.

NO.

Alice, I don't like you.

 

[alice27]

OH.

HELL.

NO.

Alice, I don't like you.

Be a man darling, pussy is so much nicer than your xbox, trust me.

 

[Christopher2012]

Be a man darling, pussy is so much nicer than your xbox, trust me.

Babe, listen... First of all, I was joking. Secondly, I can still hook up the TV without ruining my chances with women. And finally, an Xbox can't have a baby and give me HSV.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Babe, listen... First of all, I was joking. Secondly, I can still hook up the TV without ruining my chances with women. And finally, an Xbox can't have a baby and give me HSV.

Honestly though, an STD is cooler than an Xbox addiction. (kidding people)

And why do you hate my dick Christopher?

 

[shiny5437]

I know that gyms can be isolated, but I've had good experiences at gyms. I used to have a gym membership, and I talked to a lot of people. I just never took those relationships any further than acquaintances.

Yeah, exactly. Chit-chat seems absolutely meaningless, and I usually feel stupid for even trying. I'll look at the other person like "Really? Are we really talking about this?" haha

Just to follow up, the difference between playing sports and going to the gym is that there is more potential for cameraderie when playing sports. I got into martial arts and you seem to make better acquaintances when you've bled and sweated over each other and tried to break each other's arms off. It's a shared emotional experience (eg if playing a team game) that you just don't get by just happening to be side by side on a treadmill.

The point of chit chat is to say something without saying anything. It's about having communication for communication's sake. One of the most common reasons for people to be friends is that they just happened to be in the same place at the same time. Chit chat promotes the bond, the content isn't important.

Check out this guy, Charlie Brooker. I think you'll like him. Essentially for chit chat he reckons that on a Monday or Tuesday, ask people what they did at the weekend, then on Thursday and Friday ask them their plans for the coming weekend. Genius. Here's the link

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/may/21/comment.digitalmedia

 

[Paul_Chance]

Christopher -

I've enjoyed reading both the questions and the various suggestions, but it sparked a question for me. You mention in your OP:

How do I jumpstart a decent social life?

Seeing the wide variety or responses and counter-responses, it makes me wonder, what do you consider to be a decent social life? What are the elements of it? I am sure we all have differing views of what that means. I'm 50+ and I travel extensively for work, often for long periods of time, so I've reconstructed social circles probably twenty times over the years - I know what I like, and I know how to build it, nuture it, encourage it - but I can't really tell what you would consider the decent social life.

 

[Christopher2012]

Just to follow up, the difference between playing sports and going to the gym is that there is more potential for cameraderie when playing sports. I got into martial arts and you seem to make better acquaintances when you've bled and sweated over each other and tried to break each other's arms off. It's a shared emotional experience (eg if playing a team game) that you just don't get by just happening to be side by side on a treadmill.

The point of chit chat is to say something without saying anything. It's about having communication for communication's sake. One of the most common reasons for people to be friends is that they just happened to be in the same place at the same time. Chit chat promotes the bond, the content isn't important.

Check out this guy, Charlie Brooker. I think you'll like him. Essentially for chit chat he reckons that on a Monday or Tuesday, ask people what they did at the weekend, then on Thursday and Friday ask them their plans for the coming weekend. Genius. Here's the link

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/may/21/comment.digitalmedia

Ooooohh... martial arts? I didn't think about that. That actually would be cool.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Ooooohh... martial arts? I didn't think about that. That actually would be cool.

That way you can learn to beat her up? Or the other way around? You're a kinky one.

 

[Christopher2012]

That way you can learn to beat her up? Or the other way around? You're a kinky one.

It's so funny that this always returns to the fact that I'm trying to get a girlfriend. I guess what makes it funny is that I don't give a damn about a social life. I just have to be social to get laid. fml...

 

[ohjanesays]

It's so funny that this always returns to the fact that I'm trying to get a girlfriend. I guess what makes it funny is that I don't give a damn about a social life. I just have to be social to get laid. fml...

I thought you were having hot monkey sex with your girlfriend in Skyrim.

 

[Christopher2012]

I thought you were having hot monkey sex with your girlfriend in Skyrim.

I have missed you so much, Jane.

 

[ohjanesays]

I have missed you so much, Jane.

Oh really? Did you think of me when you were doing your Skyrim girlfriend?

How could I not comment on your beloved threads? What's this I hear about you joining a gym?

By the way, I got laid (well partially) by being anti-social. Just gotta find another anti-social girl and all you both will want to do is stay in and have sex. And because she's anti-social, more than likely she won't have STDs.

I think I just discounted everyone's advice here by saying the complete opposite. Sorry folks.

And pmann...your advice was shallow. I thought you were deeper than that. Leave our dear Christopher to be himself and not a mini pmann. All joking aside, dress how you like. Don't pretend to dress in a way you're not comfortable with because you'd ultimately want a girl to like you when you're dressed in what feels most comfortable. Other ladies might think dressing like you came out of a Brooks Brothers store is sexy, but that's definitely not for me. It's ok for work or whenever the occasion calls for it, but if you always dress like that, it's lame. A little wrinkle doesn't hurt anyone.

I suspect you really just want a girl who likes you as you are. Nothing wrong with that. I am just glad you are getting out of Savannah and starting someplace new. So go to the gym, cook, or whatever if you really want to but don't just do it because you think this will get you girls.

I don't smile at anyone either. But apparently it's a conversation starter if you don't have a dopey smile on your face all the time.

 

[Lord Pmann]

My advice was solid. He wears Kenneth Cole, so Brooks Brothers is not that far off. All I was saying is to dress confidently. And like I do. I'll make a little Pmann out of him yet.

And yes, your advice was contrary (surprise!). But this is a numbers game. And the odds of him, at 25, just hanging around and waiting for an anti-social nympho to come along are stacked against him. It probably won't happen. So, best to make himself more available to be exposed to other people. The best place to be anti-social and meet someone is college, because you're forced to be with people. But that ship sailed for Christopher so now he has to get off his arse and do it himself.

Oh, and don't listen to her about wrinkled shirts. Wrinkles are never okay.

 

[ohjanesays]

My advice was solid. He wears Kenneth Cole, so Brooks Brothers is not that far off. All I was saying is to dress confidently. And like I do. I'll make a little Pmann out of him yet.

And yes, your advice was contrary (surprise!). But this is a numbers game. And the odds of him, at 25, just hanging around and waiting for an anti-social nympho to come along are stacked against him. It probably won't happen. So, best to make himself more available to be exposed to other people. The best place to be anti-social and meet someone is college, because you're forced to be with people. But that ship sailed for Christopher so now he has to get off his arse and do it himself.

Oh, and don't listen to her about wrinkled shirts. Wrinkles are never okay.

I was semi-joking about you being shallow. Because I know how deep you are. So deep you want your anus gaped.

It is a numbers game but more than likely the girls he meets by going out more than likely won't be his type down the line. I've seen guys like him get with girls who want to go out and do fun things. In the beginning it's fun because they've never been with a girl, but soon he'll get tired of her always wanting to go out and party, while he just wants to stay at home and wank or play video games (sorry Chris, I don't mean that in a bad way). I think he still has a chance at work. Maybe cute new pharm techs. Or customers.