Some very basic BDSM questions that I've yet to answer

[Marquis]

What is collaring, exactly?

Examples of improper ways to answer this question:

collaring is the most beautiful thing that ever happened between me and my dom souldragon...

That doesn't tell me anything.

I want to know, do people actually have a ceremony for this? Who comes to this ceremony, just BDSM people, or Vanilla as well?

There is so much talk about "the BDSM community" and BDSM norms and even BDSM symbols and rules and mottos and shit. Where do people get this stuff from? Is there actually a sizeable amount of people who adhere to this stuff? Every couple has some kinda way of getting kinky, and I'm sure things categorized under BDSM work for more than a few. But people on this board talk about picking up subs and doms like there's a BDSM side of town. My interaction with the real life "BDSM community" is highly limited, is there something I'm missing?

The next question is going to ask us all to really look deep into ourselves to answer.

I want you to go over to a mirror, look at yourself. Contemplate your past, and how you spend your time. Then ask yourself, and be honest "Am I a weirdo?" Try to have some humor about it, its not so bad. I want to know this, because so much evidence I've seen points me in the direction that BDSM people are all weirdos.

1. The Internet-BDSM connection. Weirdos spend a lot of time online, this connection is too bold to ignore. Online Dom/Sub relationships? Get the fuck outta here.

2. The Mensa/Trekkie/Ren-fare/Dungeons and Dragons connection. All groups are populated entirely by weirdos.

3. The one time I met a BDSM group. at least 80% of them were totally overt weirdos. It didn't take me long to figure out that another 10% were weirdos, I'm sure they all would've failed the test of time.

4. I'm a weirdo. A lot of people who I've disclosed to have said I "seemed like the type". (am I supposed to put the period before the quote there? Isn't there an exception?)

My final question is this. How far do/have most of you gone? I often wonder if I am on the lighter or heavier end of the BDSM spectrum. Have you ever taken/inflicted serious pain? Have you ever drawn blood or done anything really disgusting?

 

[FungiUg]

What is collaring?

Think of it as the BDSM equivalent of a wedding ring. Think about it: what's a wedding ring? It's a visible symbol of a commitment to a relationship. Well, a collar is similarly a symbol of a D/s relationship.

There are as many different ways to collar a person as there are ways to get married, I'm sure. Although I haven't heard of an Elvis collaring ceremony so far.

Am I a weirdo?

The simple answer is: yes. The not so simple answer is: define "weird". It's like trying to define sanity. Very difficult. But I accept that my sexual predilictions fall into the category of "weird" for many people.

How far have I gone?

To Denmark and back, which is literally the other side of the world from New Zealand.

 

[Mr Blonde]

What is collaring, exactly?

Don't know. If I was going to "collar" a subbie, it would probably be at the same time I ask her to be my vanilla wife. Maybe a double proposal or something? And it wouldn't really be a collar, I'd give her another piece of symbolic jewelry. It'd be private and just for the two of us to understand.

Then ask yourself, and be honest "Am I a weirdo?"

At 30 years of age, most would see me as mildly eccentric on the surface and only become acquainted with some of my "atypical" perspectives once we were friendly. I am highly intelligent/educated, so people just lump me into a stereotype of someone who is too smart for his own good or someone who at times lacks common sense or whatever feels comfortable for them. I don't really mind. And yes, I routinely find humor in my eccentricities. I have solved thousands of challenging problems but had never changed a car tire until last night. It is not that I am above it, or afraid, or sadly incompetent...it had just "never come up" in my daily experiences. Yes, really.

The Mensa/Trekkie/Ren-fare/Dungeons and Dragons connection. All groups are populated entirely by weirdos.

I can only comment about Mensa. It was one of a few places I have found where you don't have to "dumb yourself down" to pass with others. I don't have to limit my vocabulary(*) and there is no restriction of keeping things "realistic" like in the normal world. A group of Mensans can let their mind wander for a bit, which can be a nice "mental exercise" as long as they remember to come back to reality.

Have you ever taken/inflicted serious pain? Have you ever drawn blood or done anything really disgusting?

Yes, I inflicted serious pain on a few occasions early in my experiences. That was when I realized I am not a sadist. And blood can be drawn without intentional cutting or a heavy scene; some people just bruise/bleed easily.


(*)Just in this simply post, I started to use five "bigger" words but went for more common lingo so people would understand my thoughts and not consider me a show-off. Not that I really care whether I am embraced or not...but it is just a learned behavior.

 

[Caitlynne]

Originally posted by Marquis What is collaring, exactly?

I've been to collaring ceremonies, so they exist. No nillas were there, but I don't see why they would be excluded. The ones I attended were akin to marriages and so anyone they wanted to share it with could have been invited--even nillas.

They made the ceremony up, so there is no book (that I know of) that has such a ceremony in it. I suppose it's whatever the participants want it to be and to mean.

What I saw were variations on whatever was favored by the Dom/me. Usually a private gathering. Once a dinner was included, with all Masters and slaves. The slaves all attending wearing skin and a collar, the soon-to-be collared slave forced to wait until after dinner to be collared. It all varied, depending on the couple.

In my opinion it was like a drawn out ritual or scene, with the collaring occurring somewhere during the night. Usually the newly collared slave was the focus of some intense play and/or service to all the guests. But not always.

Besides the 'collaring' myth and legend of beauty, on a daily basis it's a great trigger to put me personally in mode. A useful tool, if you will, that eliminates the need for talk and explanation. The collar goes on and I repeat a few phrases and I'm in mode. It's a lot about expediency. A conditioned reflex in many ways.

Because of work, I did not have a collar on, so returning home a little ritual of re-collaring put me in mode, a clear delineation between work and home. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it worked the way he wanted and gave me what I needed. So that's one example of a daily ritual of re-collaring. Don't know if that is what you were looking for, but there you go.

There is so much talk about "the BDSM community" and BDSM norms and even BDSM symbols and rules and mottos and shit. Where do people get this stuff from? Is there actually a sizable amount of people who adhere to this stuff? Every couple has some kinda way of getting kinky, and I'm sure things categorized under BDSM work for more than a few. But people on this board talk about picking up subs and doms like there's a BDSM side of town. My interaction with the real life "BDSM community" is highly limited, is there something I'm missing?

Yes, there is a community. I'm in Los Angeles and there are organizations, munches, clubs, etc. I don't know if that means you are missing anything though. It's a matter of preference. Personally I prefer a smaller group and I don't think I'm missing anything, but again it's a preference. But there are places to go Dom or sub shopping, at least there are in LA.

The next question is going to ask us all to really look deep into ourselves to answer.

I want you to go over to a mirror, look at yourself. Contemplate your past, and how you spend your time. Then ask yourself, and be honest "Am I a weirdo?"

Yes, I am a weirdo.

Hope this helped...

~ Cait

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

My interaction with the real life "BDSM community" is highly limited, is there something I'm missing?

Depends on how involved you want to be. There is a real live, real life BDSM community out there, consisting of dominants and submissives who go to munches, have demos, hang out at local dungeons, put together play parties. Even in my rather mundane part of Florida (Northeast). They are just regular people. Like you'd see at your local Wal-Mart *HORRORS!!*. It's not a meeting of the beautiful young peoples club--just regular folks who just happen to be into BDSM.

*shrugs*

Now, this kind of segues into your next question rather nicely. Yeah. I'm weird. We both are. We aren't very damn social either. LOL. So, we tried the munch, demo thing. Wasn't really our cup of tea. C'est la vie. We like hanging out at the house, doing our own thing. We both spend a fair amount of time online. He has politics. I have other interests on other Boards. It works for us.

My final question is this. How far do/have most of you gone? I often wonder if I am on the lighter or heavier end of the BDSM spectrum. Have you ever taken/inflicted serious pain? Have you ever drawn blood or done anything really disgusting?

Well, what's your definition of heavy?? I'm a masochist. He beats me hard, and often, with canes, quirts, drumsticks, floggers, and whatever else he can get his hands on LOL. Seriously, though, who really cares?

Because, it's not really a competition, you know? There's no prize for the the subbie with the mostest. *grin* Or the baddest Dom on the block, for that matter. You are who you are, and if you and your lady are having a hot time....then it's all good.

And that's all that really matters.

~anelize

 

[Evaleastaristev]

What is collaring, exactly?

For Master and me, it is a sign of our commitment to eachother. My current collar is only for a year and a day, to commit for that time to see if the relationship is right for the both of us.

"Am I a weirdo?"

Of course I am. Isn't everybody? In all seriousness, everyone has their quirks that make us different from everyone else, so in fact, we are all weird. I take pride in being more weird than most.

How far do/have most of you gone? Have you ever taken/inflicted serious pain? Have you ever drawn blood or done anything really disgusting?

I haven't gone that far yet, but then, I'm new to the BDsM world in practice. I'm pretty sure that as long as Master is willing, I will go to some pretty serious lengths. I'm quite a little pain slut, and have discovered through some pretty basic stuff that my tolerance is pretty high up there. Almost to the point of there being no such thing as too much pain for me, as long as it's sexual pain.

I hope that answers your questions satifactorily.

 

[Netzach]

Collaring for me means taking the little cat collar or the leather one and putting it around my boy's neck. Voila, no biggie.

I didn't opt for a big ceremony or anything. If we decide to do something meaningful in terms of kink and symbolry we'll go to a piercer and get him a guiche.


Yes I'm a weirdo. That's a given.

I've done a lot of things that would probably gross out most people.

Enema play, urethral play, electrostim, piercing, pee, leaving really ugly bruises, severe whipping, it's all good. I've undergone piercing, caning almost to the point of bleeding, enough electrostim to know I HATE it....I've tried most things out.

 

[Betticus]

Re: Re: Some very basic BDSM questions that I've yet to answer

I can only comment about Mensa. It was one of a few places I have found where you don't have to "dumb yourself down" to pass with others. I don't have to limit my vocabulary(*) and there is no restriction of keeping things "realistic" like in the normal world. A group of Mensans can let their mind wander for a bit, which can be a nice "mental exercise" as long as they remember to come back to reality.

(*)Just in this simply post, I started to use five "bigger" words but went for more common lingo so people would understand my thoughts and not consider me a show-off. Not that I really care whether I am embraced or not...but it is just a learned behavior.

Go ahead and use the big words. I have a pretty good vocabulary and if that fails the online dictionary.

 

[Anna Sue]

A collar could mean to me two things

First a thing which you can play with dog play bondage etc.

or when you want to make it as a sign of commitment and be owned by a Dom or Domme,

About the weirdo question my first instinct to say was No I am not a weirdo but then I thought to my self okay but you are not really normal easer.
I think there were always two personalities in me the one which wants to be different and the other one which treys to fit in somewhere.

I give up trying to fit in and most people accept me as I am and which who don't I try to not care so much about them.

So yes I think I am a weirdo but actually I am proud of it because I think I don't want to be normal easer.

Okay last question when I had my nipples pierced I was in a really dark mood and i want to feel something and the pain help me to get out of it.

I have my borders how much pain gets me excited but when I am in the right mood I can excel what i would thing I can take.

And yes I have no problem to inflict pain to other but I am not sure yet how far I would go.

Anna Sue

 

[Netzach]

My math retardation keeps me out of mensa range but my vocabulary is off the map, I think I could keep up.

 

[keikotied]

Re: Re: Some very basic BDSM questions that I've yet to answer

Originally posted by AnelizeDarkEyes
Because, it's not really a competition, you know? There's no prize for the the subbie with the mostest. *grin* Or the baddest Dom on the block, for that matter.

Oh great. You're just telling me this NOW? And after I bought all the equipment and everything.

Oh well, guess I'll keep going anyway. . . .I'm already in too deep.

Are you SURE about the "no prize" part? Could have sworn someone said something about a prize . . . .

Keiko

 

[Guest]

 

[fallon2]

To Me

To me, a collar is the physical example of a Master/ sub relationship.

It means that two people have chosen each other.

But I also believe that I and a sub do not have to have the physical collar or a physical piece of paper (a contract) to have a Master/sub relationship become permanent.

Am I weird?

Yep! But I also like freaks. *smile*

 

[Technodivinitas]

*POUNCE!*

Evaleastaristev:
YEAY! You're here! Coolness. ~blissyTechnoface~
Prepare to be stalked, sis... Luv ya!

 

[Technodivinitas]

Collaring, to my thought, is an agreement to open long-term negotiations. It's a commitment by a Top to his/her sub that the Top will do all they can to assure the sub is getting what (s)he needs, and that (s)he is safe. Likewise it's a commitment by the sub that (s)he will open herself to trust her Top, or will at least make the neccesary effort to learn to open and trust, and that (s)he will express those needs to the best of his/her ability. Of course, it also encompasses the sub's acceptance of a Top's training & dominance, and the will to serve their Top's will, within the bounds of the trust and commitment described above.

That's my take on collaring, although it's clear that, like every other symbol, it has different meanings to different people in different contexts. There are "Training" collars, and "Property" collars, "pet" collars, and "protection" collars- and probably more than a few I've never heard of.

As far as rituals go, that's TOTALLY a matter of taste and style. I love rituals, but we don't do much in that area, because it's not to Master's taste.

Wierd? Well, hell yeah! As for Mensa/D&D/Ren-Faire etc... I think that "wierdness" often gets defined along the social lines that it does because a vast majority of the people in such cliques are at least a little above the norm intellectually. We're unusually inquisitive, spiritually, physically, mentally, &/or emotionally. We're unusual. We fall in a smaller percentile, and therefore are open to branding by the larger portion of humanity at large.

Me? I'm totally cool with that.

As for extremes, I am constantly being told that this or that thing that I've expressed seems on the extreme side, even though to me most of it feels as if we haven't even really scratched the surface, of my own kinks or my Master's- almost as if we're just a shade darker than vanilla. I guess that's not the case.
~shrug~
As AnelizeDarkEyes said, it's not a competition. In my perception, we're not that heavy. If that scares other folks, hey. Gives 'em feul for their fantasies, I suppose. *L*

 

[Evaleastaristev]

Re: *POUNCE!*

Evaleastaristev:
YEAY! You're here! Coolness. ~blissyTechnoface~
Prepare to be stalked, sis... Luv ya!

*wonders if she should be scared*

I give you permission to stalk all you want sis *grins*

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Collars?.. Next to impossible to answer correctly.. theory yes.. actuallity.. no. Thats just to debate truthes as we know them as humans. No right or wrong answer. In my mind.. collaring is akin to a wedding band.


1. There are far to few people open enough to talk of such things period.. let alone in one minute geographic area. The internet just makes it easier for such people to converse.. I see it in most message boards and online communities. It's not so much that we're all "geeks" but that this type of growth encourages us to go to the computer to begin with.. The whole "world wide web" concept. It's one of the best ways to meet people identical to yourself.

2. What does this idea have to do with D/s or any other BDSM ideals?.. Not much.. and to being "weirdos" Well anything in society as we know it.. not just in a country/city/state/provience/ect... But simple human acceptances. The minority is usually viewed as "weirdos"... yep yep...

3. I've not once been to a BDSM "gathering" so can't say a diddly dandy on that style of life.. But i suspect it's much as with the rest of peoples perculiar quirks around here.

4. I'm a firm believer that the "weirdo" type.. has a higher intelligance level.. or they are below average.. Most "normal" people I've met are well to be frank... dumb as a box of rocks.. There will always be those rare exceptions but in general this is what I've seen in highschool.. then in college.. and now in the "work force"...


In the BDSM context.. I've gotten welts.. and that is it.. and I've inflicted them as well.. Outside the BDSM context.. I've been to "hell and back" psychologically and physically. Do I want more bdsm context pain?.. Thats a resounding HELL YES.

Oh yeah.. the weirdo question.. Since I was first branded a weirdo around the age of 4 for being a "tomboy" Its just a part of who I am.. Am I a weirdo in my own minds eye?.. no.. in society's eye? Probablly. And my answer?.. so what? I'm me.

 

[heckle]

How can you say that we are all weird? Perhaps we are all normal and everyone else is weird!?!

Seeing how there is no rule book or even any book of directions to this BDSM lifestyle, we all do what we think is right. There are some common ideas that may or may not be the same everyplace. Some people are more into rules and rituals while others are only interested in play. Some use a collar to signify the beginning of play while others use it as a mark of ownership.

We had a collaring ceremony when I collared my wife/slave. I had the whole thing planned out and it took about 5 months to plan it without letting her know when it would happen. We have a good friend who has been in the lifestyle for many years but rarely goes to public parties or events. She helped with some of the planning for the ceremony. It just so happened that I invited a dozen of our closest BDSM friends. The ceremony was planned for the same night as a regular play party. When the day came, we had a bad snow storm. It took us almost two hours to drive up to our local groups playspace. There were going to be over 50 people at the play party but the snow kept most at home. Even with the bad weather, all of the invited people showed up (even the couple who drove up from New Jersey).

About a month earlier, we went to a local jewlery shop and had a collar custom made. It is one of the toggle clasp designs that are becomming so popular. But this one was custom designed and each part had a special meaning to us both. As far as the actual ceremony goes. I had a hexagonal rug that was surrounded by 30 candles that were burning. The lights were off and the candles provided the light. I had made a CD special for the ceremony. It started with a bell ringing twelve times and then was followed by some benedictine monks. she was lead out by our friend and mentor who led her out by the thin rope which tied her wrist together. She handed my the rope and I led her into the circle of candles where she kneeled on the rug. I untied her wrist and had her place her hands on her legs. I gave a short speech thanking everyone for showing up and thanking them for taking part in our ceremony. I had two dozen white roses in a crystal vase on the same table that the collar was laying on. I had each guest take a rose, step in front of her, offer some words of encouragement and then drop the rose in front of her. Once all the guest had done this, I took the collar and offered her one last chance to reconsider. Then I placed it around her neck. I helped her stand up and gave her a kiss and a hug. Then with her standing, I knelt down and picked up the roses which I presented to her. Most of the people there had never seen a collaring ceremony before. And of those who had, they said it was very well done and emotional (never thought I would see some of my felow Doms tear up).

Anyways. A collar and a collaring ceremony means different things to different people. As has been said already, there is no rulebook for what it is that we do. If it feels right to you, then it must be right.

Just my two cents worth.

 

[Technodivinitas]

4. I'm a firm believer that the "weirdo" type.. has a higher intelligance level.. or they are below average.. Most "normal" people I've met are well to be frank... dumb as a box of rocks.. There will always be those rare exceptions but in general this is what I've seen in highschool.. then in college.. and now in the "work force"...

What amazes me is the vast numbers of "just plain folks" (read:average median people) who are content to accept themselves as "average".
I know, that goes against the Zen ethic to not desire to become more than you are, but it balances out if you see it as simply a desire to maximize the potential you were born with...

 

[WriterDom]

I see it as a garden. The more you tend to it, the better it is. But it is up to you how big, or how small you want to make it. You plant what you want, and reap what you sow. It is something to be lived, not judged.

But weird because we go beyond sucking and fucking? And not to insult our non-kink friends, but I think we are advanced not weird.

I don't know any subs that would choose to go back to vanilla. I don't think many nilla guys spend the energy we do on thinking about our craft. Or thinking about how to keep things fresh. They may think about sex all day long, but not how to improve it.

 

[shy slave]

How can you say that we are all weird? Perhaps we are all normal and everyone else is weird!?!

Seeing how there is no rule book or even any book of directions to this BDSM lifestyle, we all do what we think is right. There are some common ideas that may or may not be the same everyplace. Some people are more into rules and rituals while others are only interested in play. Some use a collar to signify the beginning of play while others use it as a mark of ownership.

We had a collaring ceremony when I collared my wife/slave. I had the whole thing planned out and it took about 5 months to plan it without letting her know when it would happen. We have a good friend who has been in the lifestyle for many years but rarely goes to public parties or events. She helped with some of the planning for the ceremony. It just so happened that I invited a dozen of our closest BDSM friends. The ceremony was planned for the same night as a regular play party. When the day came, we had a bad snow storm. It took us almost two hours to drive up to our local groups playspace. There were going to be over 50 people at the play party but the snow kept most at home. Even with the bad weather, all of the invited people showed up (even the couple who drove up from New Jersey).

About a month earlier, we went to a local jewlery shop and had a collar custom made. It is one of the toggle clasp designs that are becomming so popular. But this one was custom designed and each part had a special meaning to us both. As far as the actual ceremony goes. I had a hexagonal rug that was surrounded by 30 candles that were burning. The lights were off and the candles provided the light. I had made a CD special for the ceremony. It started with a bell ringing twelve times and then was followed by some benedictine monks. she was lead out by our friend and mentor who led her out by the thin rope which tied her wrist together. She handed my the rope and I led her into the circle of candles where she kneeled on the rug. I untied her wrist and had her place her hands on her legs. I gave a short speech thanking everyone for showing up and thanking them for taking part in our ceremony. I had two dozen white roses in a crystal vase on the same table that the collar was laying on. I had each guest take a rose, step in front of her, offer some words of encouragement and then drop the rose in front of her. Once all the guest had done this, I took the collar and offered her one last chance to reconsider. Then I placed it around her neck. I helped her stand up and gave her a kiss and a hug. Then with her standing, I knelt down and picked up the roses which I presented to her. Most of the people there had never seen a collaring ceremony before. And of those who had, they said it was very well done and emotional (never thought I would see some of my felow Doms tear up).

Anyways. A collar and a collaring ceremony means different things to different people. As has been said already, there is no rulebook for what it is that we do. If it feels right to you, then it must be right.

Just my two cents worth.

Beautiful

 

[shy slave]

The next question is going to ask us all to really look deep into ourselves to answer.

I want you to go over to a mirror, look at yourself. Contemplate your past, and how you spend your time. Then ask yourself, and be honest "Am I a weirdo?" Try to have some humor about it, its not so bad. I want to know this, because so much evidence I've seen points me in the direction that BDSM people are all weirdos.

1. The Internet-BDSM connection. Weirdos spend a lot of time online, this connection is too bold to ignore. Online Dom/Sub relationships? Get the fuck outta here.

2. The Mensa/Trekkie/Ren-fare/Dungeons and Dragons connection. All groups are populated entirely by weirdos.

3. The one time I met a BDSM group. at least 80% of them were totally overt weirdos. It didn't take me long to figure out that another 10% were weirdos, I'm sure they all would've failed the test of time.

4. I'm a weirdo. A lot of people who I've disclosed to have said I "seemed like the type". (am I supposed to put the period before the quote there? Isn't there an exception?)

Yes I see myself as pretty ordinary. I don't dress up nor so i take drugs and rarely drink. I am not particulary loud, but I like meeting& talking to people, enjoy listening to opinions and having debates or discussions on a variety of topics.
Other people i know ie friends, family, work collegues think I am weird.
Nothing i do surprises them anymore; yet i am tame by some standards. I do enjoy saying things to shock.
I met a male sub last night who goes to a local munch that Master & I plan to attend for the first time next week.
After a brief time he commented that I was feisty for a sub and some people at the munch may see that as weird if i come across as feisty.
So I am weird in 'nilla and in BDSM yet I 'feel' ordinary. *shrug*

My final question is this. How far do/have most of you gone? I often wonder if I am on the lighter or heavier end of the BDSM spectrum. Have you ever taken/inflicted serious pain? Have you ever drawn blood or done anything really disgusting?

I have received pain which was serious to me, but everyone has differing pain thresholds. I have never had blood drawn as a result of D/s.
Disgusting ~whats some find disgusting others find ok. I love golden showers but HATE receiving oral sex. It makes me feel physically sick, I cannot imagine why anyone would love pussy. On the occassions I have had to endure it, I have stared at a particular point and prayed for it to end soon. There is not a deep dark secret about hating it, I just do.
Incidentially I love sucking cock, its my favourite thing yet some can find that disgusting. Each to their own.

Mr Blonde feel free to use the big words, we can always look them up.

I will never be in Mensa becasue of my maths, wow I have something in common with Netzach, *brightens up immediately* and my dreadful punctuation, but i can do the big words. honest

 

[Quint]

Collaring to me is a convention. A definition. A label. I can see how other people can say "Yes, but" but I don't feel that way right now.

Yes, weird, in and out of "the community," which I hear grows as big as Rottweilers under the NYC sewers.

Haven't done anything truly bizarre, fucked up, or painful yet. I'm all fantasy, no threshold.

 

[bridgeburner]

collaring is the most beautiful thing that ever happened between me and my dom souldragon...

God you crack me up! I will now go and dutifully read the rest of the thread, but had to thank you for the chuckle.


-B

 

[bridgeburner]

Okay, you know where I come from on most of this --- I'm like one of those Sno-ball things --- vanilla on the outside and dark on the inside, but I'll address the things I'm qualified to.

1. The Internet-BDSM connection. Weirdos spend a lot of time online, this connection is too bold to ignore. Online Dom/Sub relationships? Get the fuck outta here.

Yes, there are a lot of weirdos online of all stripes. There are also a lot of plain old folks online. As usage has become more widespread it's hard to make the same generalizations that would have applied five or ten years ago.

2. The Mensa/Trekkie/Ren-fare/Dungeons and Dragons connection. All groups are populated entirely by weirdos.

Higher percentage of weirdos in these groups than the general online population, but I don't think that one has to be a weirdo just because one is involved in one or more of these groups. Particularly Mensa, there are a lot of really smart people that still manage to be very straightlaced, rigid and socially-conformist. Are the odds high that someone who is involved in two or more of these groups is a weirdo? Higher, certainly, but there are exceptions. (of course they may just serve to prove the rule)

3. The one time I met a BDSM group. at least 80% of them were totally overt weirdos. It didn't take me long to figure out that another 10% were weirdos, I'm sure they all would've failed the test of time.

I'm not sure which test but I assume you mean that they would all qualify as weirdos in the end. I haven't known that many actual BDsM folk in off-line life ---- but a significant number of pagans who are something of an overlap --- and yes, quite a lot of them were weirdos. Interestingly enough, I've never met any gay or lesbian BDsMers in person who were weirdos. That's a subject worthy of a dissertation so I won't get into it here, but I thought it worth mentioning.

4. I'm a weirdo. A lot of people who I've disclosed to have said I "seemed like the type". (am I supposed to put the period before the quote there? Isn't there an exception?)

I honestly can't say whether someone is not a weirdo just from interacting with them online. I can often identify that someone IS a weirdo, but to fall in the "definitely not a weirdo" categorey requires at the very least telephone interaction and usually face to face meetings. There are plenty of people that I know online who I suspect are not weirdos, but I wouldn't put money on it until I'd met them.

My final question is this. How far do/have most of you gone? I often wonder if I am on the lighter or heavier end of the BDSM spectrum. Have you ever taken/inflicted serious pain? Have you ever drawn blood or done anything really disgusting?

Officially, I suppose I'm a virgin. If it has to be acknowleged as BDsM play then I've never engaged in anything but vanilla encounters other than occasional instances of gender blurring, group and/or semi-public sex, rough sex and being hand-gagged. I've never been tied up. Never been spanked or whipped. Never been blindfolded.

I know this was asked first but I got to it last.

I want you to go over to a mirror, look at yourself. Contemplate your past, and how you spend your time. Then ask yourself, and be honest "Am I a weirdo?" Try to have some humor about it, its not so bad. I want to know this, because so much evidence I've seen points me in the direction that BDSM people are all weirdos.

I'm a pervert but not a weirdo. I've had many years to turn this over in my head. I was never one of the popular kids in school and, quite frankly, got picked on a lot, but at the same time I wasn't peculiar in the right way to hang with the identified weirdos. Now, I know it all means something different in school than it does as an adult, but once I got into college I discovered that there were a lot of people like me --- brighter than average, adventurous of mind, creative and socially able. We weren't the kids who had the bizarre haircuts and highwater pants and hygeine problems who couldn't make friends with anyone not as especially weird and outcast as themselves. We occupied a kind of middle ground or perhaps an outside sector. We associated with people from both groups but never felt particularly bonded to either.

I'm sure that not everyone has the same definition of weirdo, but that's the way I look at it. You may, of course, have an entirely different verdict about my weirdo status. ;->


-B