SOs of Rape Victims...how did you handle it?

[Bobmi357]

Re: feeling insignificant

There are dark times when she hurts and I can tell and can't do anything about it. There are questions that aren't asked but I know are on her mind. "How can you love me?" "Why?" "I am not worth the trouble I put you through". All these make it hard on our relationship and although I do my best to calm her fears and to show her that loving her is a privilege and that she is amazing, and nothing is too much trouble, in all honesty it sometimes drains me emotionally and leaves doubts in my mind that I can be the one that she wants me and needs me to be.

I'm not sure I have a right to post here since my experience with this topic is pretty limited. If either my first wife or my second had gone through this sort of thing, I don't know about it.

On the other hand, reading your post Firefighter, and in particular the above section, I'd say thats the best point to put a sappy movie on the tv, wrap your arms around her and just be with her. Don't try making love to her, just hold her hand, or cuddle up and be with her. I can't say its enough, or it will even help. But all we can really do for someone hurting is to be supportive and be there for them.

The closeness is reassuring, and she can draw strength from your obvious feelings towards her. Unfortunately the issues she needs to resolve are hard ones indeed. But being supportive is about the best you can do. She knows what kind of problems she's dealing with, and your being there for her will help her deal with them.

 

[gumby32]

SOs of Rape Victims. . .how did you handle it?

I would like to go back to something Apexpark said - mentioning the guilt of liking rape theme vids, etc
I was raped in the military. 1st by a female superior then the real bad stuff was done by a male superior (the little bitches friend). ANyway, my problem/guilt is that when I have nightmares i wake up - how should I put it - well, wet. When that happens or I try to make a statement for my PTSD claim (dont get me wrong, it was RAPE, I did not want any of it, I fought, and I have PTSD still) I get horny. For me its more the non-consentual thing and only with someone I trust. But because of this I feel like I'm sick and so very guilty. Is there something very wrong with me? When I was raped I had only had only had sex once and it was clumsy teen sex. If more details are needed just let me know and I'll supply them.

Thanks for your help,
gumby32

 

[SheDevilShay]

As a woman who's been sexually abused growing up, I got my husband a couple of books and I'd highly recommend reading them... I think they will help you A Lot if you feel lost and need some where to turn...

What about ME? --- By Grant Cameron...

A guide for men helping female partners deal childhood sexual abuse.

Allies in healing -- LAura David ...

When the person you love was sexually abused as a child.


These books are GOOD reads and can give alot of insite to why women react the way they do... and if you want any advice on dealing with post traumatic stress disorder.... let me know, I still have it. I use alternative therapies to stay medication free.. (I did 17 years of therapy and was going to college for my psychology degree.) I probably could help if you have any questions, I did NOT finish my degree, nor did I get my docotorate, but I am knowledgable.

I use animal therapy, and train service dogs.

 

[Homburg]

"w" was in a horribly abusive relationship for a number of year, culminating in a baby that she didn't want at the age of 18. The monster she was with did horrific things to her. She has PTSD, night terrors, and suffers from depression, and was on medication for years as a result.

I feel fucking horrible about it. No, I didn't know about it, but, unlike some of the guys that have posted here, I did know her back then (we're in our 30's now). We went to high school together, and I knew her. Never knew it was going on, but it kills me to know that it was happening, and I was someone that knew her, and I.... It kills me. I know that I didn't know, and it isn't my fault for not stopping it, but I was the guy that stood up to the bullies and abusive boyfriends. I was the guy that stepped in front of the bigger kids when they picked on the little guys. Yeah, the bastard was bad news, and violent as hell, and I probably would've suffered for it, but, fuck, it kills me knowing now that it happened and I didn't stop it....

She finds bruises on her arms and legs some mornings because of nightmares. Once, when we spent the night together, she started shaking and thrashing. I talked to her, held her gently, and calmed her down. She started crying in her sleep, and mewling like a kitten. I've never felt so fucking helpless. She calmed down after a few minutes and went back to sleep. She didn't remember anything the next morning. I told her what happened and she thanked me. I still felt helpless.

Firefighter02, I know what you are feeling, brother. It scares me. "w" has had some horrible things happen to her in relationships since that horrid one. Sometimes I feel like that experience damaged her so badly that other predators can smell it. She has described herself as walking around with a sign around her neck that reads "victim". That scares me. It scares me because I know that what we have is temporary, and that I won't always be there to protect her. It kills me to think that she might get found by another monster like the first one. Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying about it.

The worst part was what she has asked me to do. We have a D/s relationship. A common fantasy for many submissive women is Rape Fantasy. A number of the books I've read say things like it allows the woman to face her fears, or even a past event, and do so with someone they trust implicitly in a situation they control. She asked me to do a rape scene with her. When she said that, it was like somebody had hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat.

I want to kill the guy that abused her, and raped her. Honest to god, I want to kill him. And she asks me to produce a fantasy where I am the abuser? I didn't know what to do. I told her I would think about it. It took me a long time to get over my revulsion at the idea. It took me even longer to screw my courage up, but she really wanted the scene. The hardest part was the worry that I would like the scene too much, that the Dominant side of my personality would enjoy it.

I read on it. I researched it. The general consensus was all over the place. Much of what I read said that it could be a good thing, handled properly, but I didn't really feel like I was up to it. She really wanted it though, so I eventually decided to do it. It wasn't really fun for me, but it was an amazing experience for her. Afterwards she cried, and hugged me, and thanked me, told me that she loved me, that I was perfect, etc. Talk about a confusing bout of emotions for me. I felt happy that I'd done something for her that she enjoyed so much, that helped her so powerfully, but at the same time felt sick over it.

Not saying this to offer it as advice. It scared the hell out of me, and could have easily gone very badly. I took a huge chance with that scene, and lucked out. I mention it because I am the SO of a victim of hideous abuse and rape, and that was one of the things she asked me to do.

Dealing with my own worries is a major issue. I worry that she will dissappear from my life before I can really make her feel loved and worthwhile. I worry that I won't be enough to really help her smile again. I very badly want to help her achieve peace and serenity.

She also made me promise that I wouldn't hunt down the monster. It's very difficult not to. Very difficult. Mostly though, I spend my worry on her. I know that I can't fix her problems. I'm not a psychotherapist. All I can do is love her, hold her, be there for her, and tell her how wonderful she is.

It makes me feel powerless, and helpless. It makes me feel worthless because I was in her life when it was happening, and I didn't stop it. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that people like that bastard exist in this world, and, worse, never did any time for what he did. It worries me to death that I won' tbe there when the next predator comes along. Worst of all, it terrifies me to know that these things happen, and that my own daughters may be in danger when they get older. I keep telling myself that I would know, but her dad didn't know. She kept it from him for years. Fuck, it scares me.

All I can do is be the Good Guy. I can be that shining example that says that not every man in this world is a sick bastard. All I can do is be strong, and love her the best I can.

God help him if we ever meet....

 

[ms.read]

Dear Homburg and other S/O's of rape and abuse victims.


All I can do is offer you hope.

I was a victim of rape, molestation and abuse on two different occassions.

I developed extreme Haptephobia (fear of being touched) so much that I couldn't even let my mother touch me. Therapy was not an option at that point.

When I was seventeen I moved out with a man, i now call my fiance. we have been together for years. This man helped me through my fears and helped me redefine what it means to have a relationship with someone. I have very little fear of people touching me now. ( except in certain instances where i am in close proximity to a tall, lanky, stranger.) it has been almost a year since i have had my last night terror.

Keep up the love and the hugs to your honey. Have patience. It takes time for all wounds to heal, and sometimes strange ways in order to.

the rape victim has to have the will to live.

 

[Homburg]

Keep up the love and the hugs to your honey. Have patience. It takes time for all wounds to heal, and sometimes strange ways in order to.

Thank you. Seriously. And thank you to the other posters in this thread. It does me a world of good to see that others face the same issues. Well, I would be happier if nobody had to face these issues, but it gives me hope to read stories like yours.

Thank you, ms.read.

 

[ms.read]

Thank you. Seriously. And thank you to the other posters in this thread. It does me a world of good to see that others face the same issues. Well, I would be happier if nobody had to face these issues, but it gives me hope to read stories like yours.

Thank you, ms.read.

You are most welcome. Any time you need some advice, pm me.

 

[IrishSprite]

My question is for the significant others of rape victims.

We all have heard about the pain, embarrassment, anger, and flood of emotion that the rape victims go through.

But what about the significant others? The husband, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, the fiance...

What do THEY feel? How do they deal with it? How do they get over what has happened? Do they feel shame, revulsion, rage? Do they question their adequacy? Do they question whether or not they can ever be with that person again?

This question hits close to home for me. Please, serious answers, folks. Thanks.

My best advice and this would follow many of the posts that I have read .

Be the one they come to for comfort , be willing to listen if they need to talk , hold them when they need to know they are worthy of feeling a connection to someone. Love them unconditionally and fully .

Let them feel its okay to voice their feelings, pain and uncertainty


also take the time to show and tell them how much they mean to you.


Rape is a crime of control and pain , It is not a crime of lust and love


If your SO feels comfortable enough maybe seek joint counciling if not and you feel that you may need some one to talk to by all means seek the help in the long run it will help you both considerably





I am sorry if I rambled but wanted to throw my 3 cents into this subject

 

[ms.read]

I want to seriously thank everyone that has replied to this thread for no joking ect.

I felt so alone and unhelpable before my s.o. came into my life. (in the beginning of our relationship) I wonder what it felt like for him to know that I cared for him deeply, but I wasn't able to touch him or him touch me (due to my phobia.) it took me a long time for that first step....

 

[Dyke_Writer]

Having been on both sides of this, personally I found it harder to be the SO rather than the victim (yes, I know that sounds weird)
My fiance was raped and I have honestly never felt so bloody useless in my entire life and yes, I hunted him down and kneecapped him.... whoops, but only after she'd returned home (she was living some distance from me at the time).

Seriously, the best thing I think you can do as the SO is to listen, and assure the person that it's not their fault, its nothing they've done and no matter how dirty used they feel, they are still the most beautiful person in the world. My SO (after returning from the police station and an exceptionally hot bath) demanded that I made love to her then halfway thru said stop. I think she needed to know that it was possible to have sex and say stop knowing that it'd happen.

I also think that as the SO, you need to have an outlet to get those feelings out. Your SO may be talking to you about it, but then you have all that as well as your own feelings which you need to get out of your system so I think talking to someone, either a highly trusted friend or some sort of professional or taking it out on a punchbag or something equally as inanimate, you're no use in jail.

Guess it depends on the type of people involved.

 

[31_ashes_97]

I'm not a SO of a rape victim, but my best friend (since we were born) was raped last summer.

I know that I felt really personally responsible because I was there when she went off with the guy (they were both stoned) and I asked if she wanted to and she was kind of like "um, yes...?" and I left her go, so I don't know if the guilt is just because of that. But I do feel very responsible for what has happened.

Since she was raped her parents didn't believe her when she told them (she was 17, we have no idea how old the guy was, and we don't remember his name), she has moved to Hawaii and has actually founded a very serious relationship (her first).

Rape definitely affects everyone, not just the victims.

 

[subbielez]

I'm afraid I don't have much experience in this. I mean my domme has played at 'busting in and raping me' before, but that's just a game...I guess I don't really know how I'd handle an actual rape myself, since I do like rough sex and the fake rape game. I've also never had the misfortune to meet anyone that's been raped - at least no one that's talked about it, anyway. Talked with a few people online that were raped; mostly I just talked to them and tried to encourage them and stuff, but they were all raped before I knew them so...but yeah. I would imagine I would be angry, but I'd probably be more worried for the rapee than angry at the rapist. I guess no one really knows how they'll face that situation until they come to it...

 

[JamieB]

I didn't handle it well when it was my sister.

My sister was abused by a boyfriend in high school. I still don't know exactly what happened, but I know generally the abuse had a sexual component. She is younger than me, the baby of the family. She confided in my brother and me one night not long after it happened, making us promise not to tell our parents.

My brother and I were little more than kids ourselves, felt probably just exactly the way most older brothers would. We knew who he was, where he lived, and we were on our way out the door to drag the bloody bastard out of bed and maim him.

My sister stopped us. She begged and wept and pleaded with us not to do anything. So we didn't.

I wish I'd handled it better. I wish I'd been there for her. As lame as it sounds now, all I can say is I didn't know how to be. Until that point, I'd modeled myself after my father, a sturdy, hard-working Aussie of Irish descent. He was as hard as a bloody railroad tie, never showed emotion except when drunk, and then only when talking about politics or his mother. So I ignored my sister altogether and used bluster and rage to hide what I was really feeling. Guilt, as others have mentioned. Fear. And inadequacy, too. What kind of big brother was I, not saving her from this?

Luckily my brother, though younger, was wiser. He stayed with her, spent a lot of time with her in the weeks and months after that. To this day, although we're a very close family, the two of them are much closer to one another than I am to either.

A few weeks after the incident, I got wind of a rumor that he wanted to get back together with my sister. Even though I'd promised not to do anything, I called on him at home and managed to convince him that my seeing them together, or even so much as hearing her say his name in passing, would pose a serious and immediate threat to his continued existence as an ambulatory human being. At the time the idea I was helping mitigated, briefly, the guilt. But now I look back and think, I could have done so much more for her than that.

After that, we started getting crank calls at all hours, normally between 11pm and 2am. This is back before cell phones and everyone in the home having their own phone line, so the calls came to our house phone. There was no hiding it from our parents at that point, but I kept my promise to my sister and lied along with her, saying yes, it was Jim. He's only angry because she dumped him.

My parents called the police, and shortly after they got involved the calls stopped. That was the end of it.

It's been almost two decades, and we've never talked about it since. Or at least, if there have been discussions, I haven't been privy to them. A few weeks ago, though, we were hugging our goodbyes after drinking a fair bit at Christmas Eve and she said, "You always made me feel safe."

I don't know precisely what she meant by that, but all I could think about was failing her so badly so long ago. Maybe she was telling me she forgave me or that she knew I had done the best I could. I kissed her cheek and hugged her hard and told her I loved her. I like to think I've become more emotionally open over the last nineteen years, but I'm still my father's son. I kept my tears in check till I got to the car.

My sister has had a string of unsuccessful relationships, but now she's engaged to a funny, patient, loving man I'll soon be happy to call my brother-in-law. That's certainly not the end of her ordeal, but it is a turn in the right direction.

J

 

[SoaringAdonis]

Coming from someone that rapes many times, I can attest that it makes me feel strong, verile and manly. So manly that no woman can escape!!

 

[simplegirl]

ANyway, my problem/guilt is that when I have nightmares i wake up - how should I put it - well, wet. But because of this I feel like I'm sick and so very guilty. Is there something very wrong with me?

Actually, there's nothing sick about this, or anything to feel guilty about. It's the body's own self-proctection kicking in. You get wet, not only when your aroused, but it's to prevent getting all torn up. You've been through rape, being torn from being "dry". Now the brain has made a note of this, and reliving rape, even in nightmares, brings on wetness in order to prevent further injury.

So this phenomenon in no way indicates that you even secretly or subconsiously "enjoyed" what happened to you. It was rape and traumatic. My heart goes out to you.

 

[arquillius]

I know i'm sort of reviving dead threads here, but let me talk about my experiences....

No, I'm not an S.O.... I'm a victim.

I was forced to have sex with my younger sister when I was like 5 or 6 by my older sisters.... I blocked it out until a year or two ago, when I recounted the tail to my Fiancee, who is now my wife. Recounting it, unblocking it in my mind made me feel the violation a new, but I was able to move past it. My wife hates my older sisters with a passion and wants nothing to do with my side of the family, as time and again they've proven themselves to be nothing but scum...

Hope this helps any writers out there.