Story Discussion: May 8, 2009 - "T.F.W.B.C." by Penelope Street

[manyeyedhydra]

This was a lovely warm little feelgood story.

I really liked the concept of the club. Such a good idea. 'Fuck the world and it's narrow perceptions of sexiness, we're going to have fun too!'

Unfortunately, while I enjoyed the light-hearted humour, I didn't find it very erotic. I think that's probably because the story is so much from Becky's point of view and while I could identify with Donald his character seemed to fade into the background as the story progressed. Given that I have such a warped concept of what might be erotic anyway I wouldn't worry too much about me not finding it erotic .

I think it's a shame you've done such a good job of drawing Becky (and Karen) that Donald doesn't come over as quite so strong. Not quite sure what it is, only that his character lacks a little zing. This could also partly be the reason why the sex scenes seem a little too long as Logan mentioned. Maybe because he seems very ordinary, but that's the point of the story, so it feels harsh to criticise a story that wants to show more realistic, ordinary people getting it on together for the characters being ordinary I enjoyed the first page with Becky meeting Karen, so it might also be a case of the sex scene suffering because it's contrasted with such a good setup.

I think there might also have been an element of we're told how much of a geek Donald is and while that seems to come out when they go on the date, it doesn't come through in the room together. I could see that as possibly being deliberate though. (and while over the top dialogue from him while they're together might strengthen his character it would probably make him irritating)

I wonder if this is one of those stories where you can't really win. If you make a really job of creating some nice, real, ordinary characters then people complain because they're real and ordinary

I saw you mentioned low hurdles and I think that is a problem. The story is warm and has a real feelgood element, but it doesn't seem like Becky is really challenged. That drains some of the excitement, but I can't really see where else the story might have gone (well I can, but not as a nice first time story as I'll mention in a minute )

The title is a little too obtuse. It might be better if the acronym was closer to a recognisable word rather than a string of consonents. I can't pronounce it so it becomes easy to forget.

As an aside, my mind is always attuned to nasty possibilities so as soon as Karen mentioned the club I immediately remembered a middling thriller, 'Deception', I saw last year. That had Ewan McGregor playing an ordinary accountant who ends up being part of a club where professionals meet up for sex with no hangups. Of course having this kind of fun is 'wrong' according to film morality so it all goes horribly wrong and he gets tangled up in all kinds of trouble.

It's another no-win problem for a feelgood story like this.

The club that offers seemingly guilt-free pleasures is such a familiar trope my first initial reaction to Karen mentioning the club was, 'ah ha, so what's going to be the horrific cost attached to this', even though I knew it wasn't that kind of story. I wonder if there's always going to be a little sense of the anticlimax, because that trope is so familiar it's going to lurk around at the back of the reader's mind even if though this is clearly meant to be a nice feelgood story.

Might just be me.

I'm a lost cause I know

Anyway thanks for a sweet little story (even if my first instinct is to bend it into something nasty). Well crafted as always.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Scaly One,

I really liked the concept of the club. Such a good idea. 'Fuck the world and it's narrow perceptions of sexiness, we're going to have fun too!'

Thanks. I liked it too, or I wouldn't have written it, lol- though I can't actually imagine a clandestine clique like this lasting for all that long in the real world.

I think it's a shame you've done such a good job of drawing Becky (and Karen) that Donald doesn't come over as quite so strong. Not quite sure what it is, only that his character lacks a little zing.

I mentioned before that Donald didn't have much zing for me either- and it's pretty much because, due to plot constraints, he can't really earn his moment, if that makes sense. Where Becky has minor hurdles, he has none.

I think there might also have been an element of we're told how much of a geek Donald is and while that seems to come out when they go on the date, it doesn't come through in the room together. I could see that as possibly being deliberate though.

He's certainly not supposed to morph into a porn star, though he does have a little experience. So how should his geekyness have come through when they're alone?

No one seems to have made much of the moment when Donald ogles Becky, then begins undressing without a word. This was supposed to be an 'actions speak louder than words' type compliment for her, plus it was meant to show he's comfortable and confident too.

... while over the top dialogue from him while they're together might strengthen his character it would probably make him irritating.

What about the molecule compliment? Did that work or was it so lame you didn't even remember it?

Of course having this kind of fun is 'wrong' according to film morality...

Really? Does this morality seem a little archaic to anyone else? I do agree that having things go badly makes for a more interesting story. In the case of the members of the club in my story, since they can go exclusive, I can see jealousy become a major issue. That's where I would have taken the tension in a longer, more serious, tale- with Becky and Karen both falling for the same man.

Anyway thanks for a sweet little story (even if my first instinct is to bend it into something nasty).

Thank you. Why do you suppose I never try to bend your stories into something nice?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[penandpaper]

Penelope,

I enjoyed the story. I think your descriptive language, especially ones like this: "My attention began to shift back and forth, from his face to the glistening, mushroom-like apex of his manhood. Soon the latter, popping in and out of its mammary cocoon, garnered the majority of my attention." are outstanding.

Also, the characters are relatable and likeable; however, if there was a flaw I would say it's in the main character. I like her and I think her reactions are appropriate, yet I somehow found myself drifting off when she was feeling angst or despair with each thought of rejection. I understand it would be a normal reaction, I just feel that it wasn't portrayed as well as your other scenes. Improving the dialogue might help this a little.

As far as humor goes, I found myself smiling at parts, but often times I found myself saddened by the main character's dilemma. A great attempt though to take something that so many women struggle with and make it funny. 25 points for that alone.

 

[Penelope Street]

I enjoyed the story.

Cool beans! Happy to hear you liked it.

I like her and I think her reactions are appropriate, yet I somehow found myself drifting off when she was feeling angst or despair with each thought of rejection. I understand it would be a normal reaction, I just feel that it wasn't portrayed as well as your other scenes. Improving the dialogue might help this a little.

I fretted a little over her wavering back and forth between confidence and doubt. Like you said, it's a normal reaction, but I was concerned it might be irritating in a story, especially one without a whole lot of mystery to it once she's in the club.

As far as humor goes, I found myself smiling at parts, but often times I found myself saddened by the main character's dilemma.

A few smiles is perfect- it wasn't meant to be a comedy first. And, yeah, it is sad how many women believe they're too fat to be loved.


Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. It's always great to have someone new join a discussion.

 

[penandpaper]

Cool beans! Happy to hear you liked it.

I fretted a little over her wavering back and forth between confidence and doubt. Like you said, it's a normal reaction, but I was concerned it might be irritating in a story, especially one without a whole lot of mystery to it once she's in the club.

A few smiles is perfect- it wasn't meant to be a comedy first. And, yeah, it is sad how many women believe they're too fat to be loved.


Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. It's always great to have someone new join a discussion.

No problem. Keep the great stories coming.