Stupid Vacuum

[AlotLikePsyche]

I just bought my first vacuum. It took me like an hour and half to pick one because I don’t even want a stupid vacuum. Vacuums are loud. And heavy. And expensive. And I’m pretty sure people with vacuums vacuum a lot more than people without vacuums. So there’s that. I’m probably gonna become one of those people who vacuum like every week now. Great. What a nightmare. And on top of it being expensive, and heavy and loud, something will definitely get stuck in it and then I’ll have to take it all apart to clean it and put it back together again and I won’t know how to do it right and none of the parts will fit because it’s a vacuum and it’s stupid and it’s basically required by law to be complicated and difficult and loud and heavy and I’m an idiot so I probably already threw the instructions away, so it’s just gonna be a big dusty-dirty stupid mess and I’m definitely gonna hate it.

 

[HisArpy]

It's not that difficult. Push, pull, push, pull. Kinda like giving a handjob. Only louder.

 

[AlotLikePsyche]

Ahahahahahaha.

Handjobs suck. Kinda like vacuums.

 

[richard_daily]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but how the fuck have you never had a vacuum before?!?!?!?

 

[AlotLikePsyche]

No worries.

I’ve mostly lived alone in places with tile floors, wood floors, concrete floors, dirt floors... I’ve never needed one. Brooms and mops were always enough.

Now I’m in a small apartment with two cats and their hair everywhere is making me crazy. They’re cute and all, but... the hair everywhere has got to go.

So, now I need a vacuum for the first time.

 

[rae121452]

don't be intimidated. i lock my vacuum in the pantry and just look at it once in a while to make sure it's still in there. very occasionally i take it out for a spin, but that necessitates picking all of the crap up on the floor first. who has time for that when there's an unopened bottle of wine in the kitchen? my advice is to not antagonize it and it will ignore you.

 

[richard_daily]

Hopefully you got one that has a lift-away feature, and a cord that you can use to get the crevices and such... I think the one I have is called the jet shark, or the suckmaster 2000, or something like that.

 

[AlotLikePsyche]

Suckmaster 2000. Ahahahaha.

 

[Taint_mAnn]

It's not that difficult. Push, pull, push, pull. Kinda like giving a handjob. Only louder.

So wise in the ways of giving handjobs...

 

[AlotLikePsyche]

don't be intimidated. i lock my vacuum in the pantry and just look at it once in a while to make sure it's still in there. very occasionally i take it out for a spin, but that necessitates picking all of the crap up on the floor first. who has time for that when there's an unopened bottle of wine in the kitchen? my advice is to not antagonize it and it will ignore you.

This is great advice. Thank you. Maybe I can make it work with this thing after all.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

This is great advice. Thank you. Maybe I can make it work with this thing after all.

Don't forget to have a little fun and dress right for the chore, too!

https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/b/pin-up-girl-cleaning-fun-sexy-young-housewife-cleaning-carpet-vacuum-cleaner-dancing-41393529.jpg

 

[doowdniw]

Smart vacuums cost way more.

 

[Antryg_Windrose]

The morning ritual in Toronto's hulking Don Valley Prison, where I was jailed for trespassing, included selected inmates mopping the ancient wood-plank floors. To prove they had cleaned thoroughly, they then got to eat their breakfast right off the floor. Eggs, porridge, I forget what else, from the treads to your mouth and down your throat, eat it all.

And someone frets about their new vacuum cleaner. Be still, oh my heart.

 

[AlotLikePsyche]

Eating eggs from a perfectly clean floor is worse than vacuuming?

Sounds like someone who’s never vacuumed to me.

 

[jaF0]

Get a Roomba

Program it to suck the floor and terrorize the cats while you're out for the day.

 

[BadAmy]

For every number of creature in your home, human or otherwise, vacuum that many times a week.
Or not.

 

[AlotLikePsyche]

WHAT?!

That’s three times a week.

Man, I hope that’s from Cosmo or Good Housekeeping.

Then I won’t feel so bad pretending I never heard of it.

 

[BadAmy]

It's from the "anal retentive weekly."

 

[ThatsTheGuy]

I have a light weight Bissell. I put that thing through hell. Surprised it still works.

I got this little house because of it's hard wood floors and my experiences with carpets. I later added large, thick, room sized rugs to the rooms I spend more time in because the floors get so cold and I like being barefoot. The rugs are good on the back too.

I have pets and track in dirt, so I have to vacuum often. I'm afraid to clean those rugs like a normal carpet because I fear it would damage the floors I like so much. I love my pets. The rugs will go before they do.

 

[Adrraiya]

No worries.

I’ve mostly lived alone in places with tile floors, wood floors, concrete floors, dirt floors... I’ve never needed one. Brooms and mops were always enough.

Now I’m in a small apartment with two cats and their hair everywhere is making me crazy. They’re cute and all, but... the hair everywhere has got to go.

So, now I need a vacuum for the first time.

Daily cat brushing.....they will love it. They will have fewer hairballs (my cat has never had one in over 5 years). Cat hair will be more controlled and not as much everywhere.

 

[removed9556]

 

[Adrraiya]

I just bought my first vacuum. It took me like an hour and half to pick one because I don’t even want a stupid vacuum. Vacuums are loud. And heavy. And expensive. And I’m pretty sure people with vacuums vacuum a lot more than people without vacuums. So there’s that. I’m probably gonna become one of those people who vacuum like every week now. Great. What a nightmare. And on top of it being expensive, and heavy and loud, something will definitely get stuck in it and then I’ll have to take it all apart to clean it and put it back together again and I won’t know how to do it right and none of the parts will fit because it’s a vacuum and it’s stupid and it’s basically required by law to be complicated and difficult and loud and heavy and I’m an idiot so I probably already threw the instructions away, so it’s just gonna be a big dusty-dirty stupid mess and I’m definitely gonna hate it.

One way to protect the investment of your vacuum is to sweep floors first so things like paperclip that could tear up your vacuum dont have chance to get in there.

When my son growing up, i vacuumed twice daily. These days 2 dogs and a cat and a roomie.... i sweep most days and need to vacuum but rarely do it because 1 of these babies is flat out terrified of vacuum

 

[ThatsTheGuy]

Daily cat brushing.....they will love it. They will have fewer hairballs (my cat has never had one in over 5 years). Cat hair will be more controlled and not as much everywhere.

Any suggestions for a stray, wild cat?

There's one that's taken up residence at my place. He seems to have been abused and he took up with me after I tended to some wounds he had from a cat fight. At least that's what I think happened. So far, I'm the only person he lets touch him. I'm fond of him and he's here to stay.

 

[Adrraiya]

For every number of creature in your home, human or otherwise, vacuum that many times a week.
Or not.

I opt for "or not" clause.

 

[AlotLikePsyche]

Daily cat brushing.....they will love it. They will have fewer hairballs (my cat has never had one in over 5 years). Cat hair will be more controlled and not as much everywhere.

What a great idea. I hadn’t even thought of that, and they do love being brushed.

Thank you!