Talking to partner about BDSM.. Any advice? :)

[CumSlut626]

Not exactly an issue at the moment, but i've had this problem in the past. And i'm sure others have the same issue.. i am a very proud submissive... But sometimes just the thought of letting a guy know that i'm into well... The things that i'm into.. It freaks me out. i have no idea how He would react... And i wouldn't want to lose a good thing... But the problem is i don't think i could be in a vanilla relationship... So any advice on how to get my hints across to a guy without just laying it all on him and possibly freaking him out?

 

[FurryFury]

Honestly, if you can't do vanilla and clearly communicating what you do want freaks him out, it's still a win. Isn't it?

I have found that telling someone that pain is just a sensation that can be sensual can help lower the impact of that word rather than how it's normally thought of.

Using thoughtful communication can help but some people are just not going to be open or tolerant, much less the sort of kinky you want and feel you need.

 

[subwannabe]

I really don't understand what your problem is. First of all, I wouldn't worry about freaking anyone out. If you can't have a vanilla relationship then why does it matter that if you told him some guys might run for the door? It seems to me like if you got to know someone intimately that you could give him some very strong hints and take care of the situation. If they can't take the hints they are either not right for you or you are going to have to just come out of the closet and if he runs for the door, so what? In my experience almost everyone is kinky to some degree and many women have submissive tendancies but there seems to be a lot of people who are right for each other but are afraid of bringing these things up. It's kind of like a teenage boy who has a severe crush on someone but for heavan's sake, doesn't want her to find out about it. Just go for it! Let some run for the door and have fun with the others.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm pretty much with subwannabe on this one. If BDSM is a NEED for you, best to acknowledge that upfront. Don't denigrate your sexuality.

 

[YourCaptor]

Not exactly an issue at the moment, but i've had this problem in the past. And i'm sure others have the same issue.. i am a very proud submissive... But sometimes just the thought of letting a guy know that i'm into well... The things that i'm into.. It freaks me out. i have no idea how He would react... And i wouldn't want to lose a good thing... But the problem is i don't think i could be in a vanilla relationship... So any advice on how to get my hints across to a guy without just laying it all on him and possibly freaking him out?

Take the pressure off and just chill... but then that's kind of the domly thing to do isn't it.

Well that's how I usually do it. When you're dating and flirting and what not, just toss it in here and their and it will take the shock off when you do it for real.

Umm from a sub perspective, maybe make a lightly sarcastic remark about needing to be put in your place by a big strong man.

I knew this one chick who wanted to hold my hand when crossing the street, that one worked for her.

 

[Loverskitten]

Umm from a sub perspective, maybe make a lightly sarcastic remark about needing to be put in your place by a big strong man.

I knew this one chick who wanted to hold my hand when crossing the street, that one worked for her.

I'm with you here.

I'm dating and it's hard to come out of the gate with "treat me like a pet, tie me up, spank me when I've been bad...etc."
Dating is hard these days because so many guys are scared to be dominate, and you don't want to waste your time.

Drop some hints before sex comes into play. Maybe "sorry I'm a little late, maybe I need to be punished" (wink) see what he does.... Is his jaw on the ground or did he just grin? I've had a guy reply with "you need to be spanked" With a growl, through gritted teeth, so hot!
"I have to get up early tomorrow so let's do an early dinner, but it'd be hard to leave if I was tied up"
I've actually said "my name's _____ but you can call me Kitten" (wink)
It's surprisingly easy to tell when some playful hints are dropped.

 

[darlynd]

I'm with you here.

I'm dating and it's hard to come out of the gate with "treat me like a pet, tie me up, spank me when I've been bad...etc."
Dating is hard these days because so many guys are scared to be dominate, and you don't want to waste your time.

Drop some hints before sex comes into play. Maybe "sorry I'm a little late, maybe I need to be punished" (wink) see what he does.... Is his jaw on the ground or did he just grin? I've had a guy reply with "you need to be spanked" With a growl, through gritted teeth, so hot!
"I have to get up early tomorrow so let's do an early dinner, but it'd be hard to leave if I was tied up"
I've actually said "my name's _____ but you can call me Kitten" (wink)
It's surprisingly easy to tell when some playful hints are dropped.

Very well put, kitten.

I remember when my Lover kissed me passionately for the first time and took a handful of my hair to pull my head back to deepen the kiss (shudder…) I moaned aloud and told him how hot it made me to feel his masculine dominance so. Since I would only be attracted to a man with some sort of dominate personality, it really hasn't been too difficult to stroke that part of his ego and let him watch me respond.

When we began our love making, I would tell him in the throes of his hardest pounding how he hurt me with his strength and how I love it when he hurts me like that (followed by orgasm to accentuate the fact.)

Then, afterward, in pillow talk, I told him that the more dominant he was in bed moth me, the hotter I got and harder I came. The ball was in his court then. Did he want to explore that part of me?

Later, because I have been registered with the slave registry, I shared my registry page with him. He was dominant enough to want his name as my owner, but did not want to delve into the complete lifestyle.

For us, we have found a mutually satisfying middle ground, but that may not be enough for some.

~d

 

[CumSlut626]

Okay,
Maybe "freaking him out" wasn't the best phrase. xP Maybeee... "Without overwhelming him" instead?
But thank you to those of you who posted advice.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I'm sorry, but nitpicking Nazi alert...

... so many guys are scared to be dominate...

dominant. Dominate is a verb.


</Grammar Nazi>

Sorry. Otherwise, you shared some good thoughts. I just...verbs are verbs and nouns are nouns. It makes me ITCH when people use them wrong XD

 

[NordicOz]

I'm sorry, but nitpicking Nazi alert...

dominant. Dominate is a verb.

</Grammar Nazi>

Sorry. Otherwise, you shared some good thoughts. I just...verbs are verbs and nouns are nouns. It makes me ITCH when people use them wrong XD

http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/898/hasanynoe.jpg

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm sorry, but nitpicking Nazi alert...



dominant. Dominate is a verb.


</Grammar Nazi>

Sorry. Otherwise, you shared some good thoughts. I just...verbs are verbs and nouns are nouns. It makes me ITCH when people use them wrong XD

That's an amusing construct. Would it interest you to know that in some languages words used as nouns can also have uses in which they are verbs?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

That's an amusing construct. Would it interest you to know that in some languages words used as nouns can also have uses in which they are verbs?

Actually, as a former English teacher, I can say that English is one of those languages. I think what bbe was referring to was words which do *not* fit into that category, e.g., Dominant/dominate, which is not an example of that type of usage in English.

:: Offers to scratch bbe's itch with his freshly cleaned and trimmed nails ::

 

[midwestyankee]

Actually, as a former English teacher, I can say that English is one of those languages. I think what bbe was referring to was words which do *not* fit into that category, e.g., Dominant/dominate, which is not an example of that type of usage in English.

:: Offers to scratch bbe's itch with his freshly cleaned and trimmed nails ::

Of course. But it was much more enjoyable to construct a sentence that contained examples of her interest.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm grumpy and old, which means that I'm of the opinion that if one can't actually discuss their sexuality like an adult, it's a sign that they shouldn't be doing whatever it is they're too afraid to talk about. Partners deserve more than "hints"; they deserve actual conversation.

Would I recommend your average 19 year old go up to a guy she's seen a few times and say "BTW, I'm submissive"?

No. Because that would be an excellent way to get stuck with some twit who thinks porn = real life.

I would, however, encourage those seeking "alternative" relationships to sit down and really think about how *they* define submission. If you were explaining it [your views of submission] with the goal of getting your needs met *and* maintaining healthy boundaries, what words would you use? When you're getting to know someone, how would you describe your ideal relationship? What would it look like?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Not exactly an issue at the moment, but i've had this problem in the past. And i'm sure others have the same issue.. i am a very proud submissive... But sometimes just the thought of letting a guy know that i'm into well... The things that i'm into.. It freaks me out. i have no idea how He would react... 1 And i wouldn't want to lose a good thing... But the problem is 2 i don't think i could be in a vanilla relationship... So any advice on 3 how to get my hints across to a guy without just laying it all on him and possibly freaking him out?

And... after replying to hijack-type posts, I'll get back to the OP's inquiry.

1 and 2 create an oxymoron. If you can't be in a vanilla relationship, then how can a thus-far vanilla relationship be "a good thing?"

As for 3, there are several good suggestions from YC, loverskitten and darlynd. Each of them has its own possibilities, pros and cons, from which you would need to decide which is most likely to provide a positive result. In the long run, though, Furry Fury and subwannabe have pretty much the right of it. Be honest to yourself and to whatever him is in the picture. Maybe not on the first date but before things get so serious that a strong negative reaction on his part would break your heart.

And read and re-read CutieMouse's post above. She's a wise woman, and not old at all, except perhaps in comparison to folks under legal drinking age (in the U.S.).

 

[the captians wench]

You know, I've been surprised how easily the subject has been accepted and broached.

A little flirting that gets carried away and I've had even 'nilla guys come up with "oh you need a spanking" to which I reply "you're not supposed to reward bad behavior" with a coy grin. That opens the door to either "you're into that sort of thing? " or "you're into that sort of thing? "

I actually had one guy trying to hide his kink from me. *giggles* He spoke subtle hints, but wouldn't come out and say it, so finally I asked, "so how familiar are you with the kinky world?" and when he responded with "Quite actually. You?" I was free to come out with "Every relationship since my ex husband has been D/s in some form"Which of course lead into deeper conversations.

It really has been quite surprising how the subject just seems to come up on it's own with out me having to force it. *shrug* But then I've been told I wear my sexuality like a perfume.

 

[Loverskitten]

I'm sorry, but nitpicking Nazi alert...



dominant. Dominate is a verb.


</Grammar Nazi>

Sorry. Otherwise, you shared some good thoughts. I just...verbs are verbs and nouns are nouns. It makes me ITCH when people use them wrong XD

Oops!
In my defense, I'm doing this on my tiny iPhone and it was 4:30 in the morning. I have insomnia issues that prevent me from using proper English all the time.
However, will you please respond to some of the PMs I get filled with grammar mistakes that make my skin crawl? Lordy

Back to the OP's question, I perceived it as a very new relationship, maybe just a few dates old (but she likes him) too new to sit a talk to a guy about what you NEED in the bedroom. If she is dating, trying to find a guy with some kink isn't easy, you'd be surprised. Several guys I have dated have disappointed me when things progress to the bedroom, yawn.
One guy said I was "gross" It hurt a little

 

[the captians wench]

Oops!
In my defense, I'm doing this on my tiny iPhone and it was 4:30 in the morning. I have insomnia issues that prevent me from using proper English all the time.
However, will you please respond to some of the PMs I get filled with grammar mistakes that make my skin crawl? Lordy

Back to the OP's question, I perceived it as a very new relationship, maybe just a few dates old (but she likes him) too new to sit a talk to a guy about what you NEED in the bedroom. If she is dating, trying to find a guy with some kink isn't easy, you'd be surprised. Several guys I have dated have disappointed me when things progress to the bedroom, yawn.
One guy said I was "gross" It hurt a little

I must just bring out the freaks.

 

[midwestyankee]

I must just bring out the freaks.

Maybe they can smell the McRib sauce? [/hijack]

 

[the captians wench]

Maybe they can smell the McRib sauce? [/hijack]

"LOL" was litterally the only responce I had for about 3 minutes.

I still have nothing else.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Actually, as a former English teacher, I can say that English is one of those languages. I think what bbe was referring to was words which do *not* fit into that category, e.g., Dominant/dominate, which is not an example of that type of usage in English.

:: Offers to scratch bbe's itch with his freshly cleaned and trimmed nails ::

Thank you, but I feel better now That is what was referring to. I'm aware there are words that do both (buffalo as an excellent example), but it wasn't really pertinent to the point I was trying to make and I didn't want to ramble off and complicate the issue.

However, yank, I can totally understand

 

[midwestyankee]

Thank you, but I feel better now That is what was referring to. I'm aware there are words that do both (buffalo as an excellent example), but it wasn't really pertinent to the point I was trying to make and I didn't want to ramble off and complicate the issue.

However, yank, I can totally understand

I have an idea: anyone who is caught using "dominate" as a verb must either A) Start a thread in the Playground called Abuse Me, I'm a Grammatical Idiot, or B) Submit to a whipping by Sir W.

 

[the captians wench]

I have an idea: anyone who is caught using "dominate" as a verb must either A) Start a thread in the Playground called Abuse Me, I'm a Grammatical Idiot, or B) Submit to a whipping by Sir W.

Do I get to pick which punishment? And will my free pass be revoked?

Cause I'm just enough of a pain slut to suffer a moment of brattiness.

 

[Loverskitten]

I have an idea: anyone who is caught using "dominate" as a verb must either A) Start a thread in the Playground called Abuse Me, I'm a Grammatical Idiot, or B) Submit to a whipping by Sir W.

Wait.... Don't you mean to say, "caught using "dominate" as a noun"?
That was the original mistake, sheesh. Now I'm confused. SPANKINGS ALL AROUND!

 

[the captians wench]

Wait.... Don't you mean to say, "caught using "dominate" as a noun"?
That was the original mistake, sheesh. Now I'm confused. SPANKINGS ALL AROUND!

Shhhhh!!! Damn you! I was going to be bratty and grammatically correct at the same time!

Oh, wait, you said I get spankings...okay, carry on.