Telling Her I Like Her....A Lot.

[Monazwx]

You may have to give this situation some more time. Is she over the last boyfriend? Maybe she doesn't want to get hurt again. For the moment, I would just lay low and search out other potential girlfriends in the meantime.

 

[Patchouli]

You may have to give this situation some more time. Is she over the last boyfriend? Maybe she doesn't want to get hurt again. For the moment, I would just lay low and search out other potential girlfriends in the meantime.

totally. i learned a long time ago not to get too hung up on one person. it's just too painful.

in the meantime, look around you for interesting/interested girls. strengthen your flirting skills. work on yourself/your body. make yourself into uber you.

my last bit of advice might open up a whole other area of discussion. a lot of girls are attracted to alpha males. i've been doing a lot of reading about this. i think it's the reason that so many nice guys complain that girls are attracted to assholes. it's not the "asshole" qualities that girls are attracted to, they just misinterpret asshole as alpha.

relationships with alphas rarely last though. so, while you need to have some of the qualities of an alpha, you also need to maintain the qualities of the beta to keep a girl with you.

Alpha qualities to work on:

Confidence
Assertiveness (not aggression)
The ability to make a decision
knowing your wants/needs
A lack of competitiveness with other guys

Beta qualities to work on:

Listening
Nurturing
the ability to make your girl feel special

This is a tall order, I know. But, it seems like you're feeling like the girls you like always like someone else. If this is the case, I'm taking a shot in the dark, based on what you've written, to suggest that you might be part of the "nice guy" crowd. Don't get me wrong, that's a good thing, but working on your alpha qualities might make you more attractive to girls.

Make eye contact. Be confident. Be relaxed. Be assertive. Treat every girl you talk to like she's the only girl in the world (but know that she's not), and eventually some cutie will come around. Once you've got her, continue to be alpha, but be caring as well and the battle will be halfway won.

Sigh. This is just my advice. Being a girl, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I hope someone else jumps in here and gives their opinion too.

I'm sorry that things didn't go well with your girl. I know how much that hurts.

 

[Rembrandt500]

You're absolutely right and believe me, that's been something I've been working on quite a bit. Honestly I've been showing both alpha and beta qualities around her, esp. the ability to make a decision and asserting my opinion.

Although in the mean time, I guess I have to accept the fact that she's probably not that into me. There's this product that has the answer to all my issues, though - it's called "Not Giving a Fuck."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8

 

[subwannabe]

I may now have to change my advice to having a truthful talk with her and just lay it out on the line. But, don't go too far and don't make it too mushy. Make it more business like, like, "Hey, I'd really like to get to know you better and I'm hoping that we can decide to be more than just friends, but if you're not ok with that, I'll understand.". Don't act like you're going to jump off a bridge or have a nervous breakdown if she says no.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I don't think that you're doing anything wrong at this point. You're finding ways to interact with her personally and determine if there is a mutual feeling of attraction. You may need to work with her a little more to make a complete determination for yourself, only you can be the judge of that.

Please DO NOT fall into the pity, "poor me" mindset and give up on her or women in general, that will be a lasting and lifelong mistake! She may not be "the one", but until you're certain that is the case, don't give up. When it becomes certain, then yes, painful as it may be, you must move on. As hard as it is in the moment and the long term, you've got to take every new person as a new experience and start over. You never know when "she" will enter your life, and with a "not give a fuck" attitude, you'll miss her and guarantee yourself a very lonely and unhappy life. Take it from a "been there, done that" guy, that is not a path you want to go down.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Sort of a juvenile question but I feel a lot of people have been there at some point and any advice would be appreciated very much.

So, there's this female friend of mine who I've known for about 2 years now. She's my good friend's sister, and she's just incredible. She's sweet, she's very intelligent, she's artistically creative, and she's just so incredibly beautiful. Lately (over the past 8 months) we've been becoming even better friends after having dinner at her family's house a few times, working on artsy projects together, etc. and each time I see her, I seem to like her more and more.

A few months ago, I managed to buck up and I asked if she wanted to go out to this party with me, and she said it was sweet of me to ask, but it might be awkward because I'm her brother's friend. I said it was cool and I apologized if I put her on the spot, and she said not at all, and that she wasn't planning on going with anyone anyway. Thankfully, we've been able to still talk and hang out as if nothing happened and it's not awkward or anything.

The downside is that she DID attend the party with this big, buff dude who would later become her boyfriend, and later she would often tell me what an ass he is and how their relationship has no substance. I wanted so badly to tell her how happy I wanted to make her, how much she truly meant to me, but I didn't want to take another chance of ruining our friendship, so I kept my silence.

So apparently she and this dude broke up, and she and I are in the middle of working on a project together, and we're also going to be hanging out next week with some mutual friends of ours. All I've been thinking about lately is how badly I want to tell her how I feel about her, not that I just think she's cute or whatever, but that she's one of the most incredible people I've ever met and I want to give us a shot. If she tells me she's just not into me that way, I'd be TOTALLY cool with that....granted, it'll suck, but I'd be fine with it, but the reason (supposedly) she turned me down was because it would be awkward given my friendship with her brother. I understand it might be a bit awkward at first (he doesn't know I like her), but it doesn't matter. I just want to tell her how I feel, with some semblance of tact and without putting her on the spot.

So....should I tell her? Should I not? If I should, what would be a good way to do so? Does it seem from what I've mentioned that she's not attracted to me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-j379JbL-xM

 

[Honed_Hunger]

Sort of a juvenile question but I feel a lot of people have been there at some point and any advice would be appreciated very much.

So, there's this female friend of mine who I've known for about 2 years now. She's my good friend's sister, and she's just incredible. She's sweet, she's very intelligent, she's artistically creative, and she's just so incredibly beautiful. Lately (over the past 8 months) we've been becoming even better friends after having dinner at her family's house a few times, working on artsy projects together, etc. and each time I see her, I seem to like her more and more.

A few months ago, I managed to buck up and I asked if she wanted to go out to this party with me, and she said it was sweet of me to ask, but it might be awkward because I'm her brother's friend. I said it was cool and I apologized if I put her on the spot, and she said not at all, and that she wasn't planning on going with anyone anyway. Thankfully, we've been able to still talk and hang out as if nothing happened and it's not awkward or anything.

The downside is that she DID attend the party with this big, buff dude who would later become her boyfriend, and later she would often tell me what an ass he is and how their relationship has no substance. I wanted so badly to tell her how happy I wanted to make her, how much she truly meant to me, but I didn't want to take another chance of ruining our friendship, so I kept my silence.

So apparently she and this dude broke up, and she and I are in the middle of working on a project together, and we're also going to be hanging out next week with some mutual friends of ours. All I've been thinking about lately is how badly I want to tell her how I feel about her, not that I just think she's cute or whatever, but that she's one of the most incredible people I've ever met and I want to give us a shot. If she tells me she's just not into me that way, I'd be TOTALLY cool with that....granted, it'll suck, but I'd be fine with it, but the reason (supposedly) she turned me down was because it would be awkward given my friendship with her brother. I understand it might be a bit awkward at first (he doesn't know I like her), but it doesn't matter. I just want to tell her how I feel, with some semblance of tact and without putting her on the spot.

So....should I tell her? Should I not? If I should, what would be a good way to do so? Does it seem from what I've mentioned that she's not attracted to me?

You gonna fish or just cut bait?

I'd man-up and tell her how I felt. Once you get the feedback from her, then either get it on, or get the hell over it if she's not on the same page as you.

The fear and anxiety of not knowing where this is potentially NOT going is temporary. The regret of not making your intentions known and have her slip away could very well last a last lifetime.

JMO........

 

[Rembrandt500]

It's funny, most of these how to questions are about sex lifestyles and what not. Mine is just about ungluing my freaking mouth; I feel so damn out of my league haha

I was debating what to do when yesterday she told me about this dude at her work named Jim or something who volunteered to help with her project but she said lately he's been really complimentary to her, and that she's hesitant about having him on board because she said he might just be volunteering because he's interested in her, and she said something along the lines of "he seems professional enough but I don't need that pressure right now", which means if I came clean about how I felt, it would probably add just as much pressure.

 

[fuckmeat]

It's funny, most of these how to questions are about sex lifestyles and what not. Mine is just about ungluing my freaking mouth; I feel so damn out of my league haha

I was debating what to do when yesterday she told me about this dude at her work named Jim or something who volunteered to help with her project but she said lately he's been really complimentary to her, and that she's hesitant about having him on board because she said he might just be volunteering because he's interested in her, and she said something along the lines of "he seems professional enough but I don't need that pressure right now", which means if I came clean about how I felt, it would probably add just as much pressure.

She's obviously in demand. The longer you put off talking frankly to this woman, the higher your chances get of someone else asking her for a date first.

IMO you can still tell her how you feel while taking her at her word. Tell her you think she's an amazing woman and would like to get to know her a lot better, if she wants to and when she's ready for it. Then, back the fuck off and let her digest the idea. If she has a shred of decency, she won't leave you hanging too long before she tells you whether there's any hope for you guys as a couple or not. If she's interested, ask her how she wants to play things. If she's not, tell her that nothing about your friendship has to change and then to the best of your ability, ensure that things settle back down to how they were before you expressed an interest. You may or may not be successful in that but that's the chance you take.

Obviously, this suggestion isn't foolproof, nothing is. But if you hesitate too long and someone else gets her attention first, you won't soon forgive yourself.

A life devoid of risk is a life half lived. If she means enough to you that you're here on a forum discussing the situation because it's all you can think about... well then you owe it to this girl to make your feelings known. I'd wager that she'd have to go a long way before she found another guy more worthy of her affection.

 

[mightyhans]

It's funny, most of these how to questions are about sex lifestyles and what not. Mine is just about ungluing my freaking mouth; I feel so damn out of my league haha

I was debating what to do when yesterday she told me about this dude at her work named Jim or something who volunteered to help with her project but she said lately he's been really complimentary to her, and that she's hesitant about having him on board because she said he might just be volunteering because he's interested in her, and she said something along the lines of "he seems professional enough but I don't need that pressure right now", which means if I came clean about how I felt, it would probably add just as much pressure.

Be up front. Be confident. If you aren't confident, PRETEND to be confident. And tell her up straight. "I like you a lot. Can I take you to dinner this weekend?" or go get a drink, or take her to a concert, or go get a half gallon of ice cream and two spoons and sit on the curb at the park, or go volunteer at the food bank, or go on a quick hike or something. But do not say something like "WELL, I KINDA LIUKE YOU I DUNNO, MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO ON A DATE SOMETIME, I DONT CARE EITHER WAY NO OFFENSE OR ANYTHING, BUT YEAH MAYBE SOMETIME WE COULD LIKE HANG OUT OR SOMETHING BUT ITS TOTALLY COOL IF YOU DONT WANT TO YOU KNOW, WHATEVER". <--- who wants to date that guy? Tell her up front. Be confident. SMILE.

I dunno. My two cents.

Also, that bit about "pressure" is bullshit. It's a cop out.

 

[Rembrandt500]

Good thoughts, guys.

Does it matter how I tell her - i.e. in person or over the Internet? We both have jobs at university (in separate buildings) so we have good chances of being in the same vicinity the same days. Is telling her over the Internet a big no-no? If so, would an appropriate text be, "Hey if you have a minute, can you meet me at ____ in the cafe?"? My only concern with the latter is that she might be worn out or busy from work.

 

[subwannabe]

I would tell her in person and I wouldn't be too gushy. Refer to my last post. You do need to get this over and done with but in a way you can still be friends if she's not interested.

 

[yuna1981]

make yourself into uber you.

I loved this sentence.

 

[CurvAppeal]

I am naturally a blunt and forward person. If I like someone, you'll know about it. I am always the one to make the first move.

But not everyone has the confidence to be able to do that, and trust me, it took me years to build up the confidence I have in my self.

Not sure how to help you in this case hun. It may be a lost cause. She might only and will always view you as just a friend, and I know how shitty that feeling is. I would give it more time, and then tread the waters with her. Don't look at rejection as a bad thing, look at it as a blessing in disguise. Something good always comes out of any bad situation or rejection. =)

Good luck to you dearest.

 

[fuckmeat]

Good thoughts, guys.

Does it matter how I tell her - i.e. in person or over the Internet? We both have jobs at university (in separate buildings) so we have good chances of being in the same vicinity the same days. Is telling her over the Internet a big no-no? If so, would an appropriate text be, "Hey if you have a minute, can you meet me at ____ in the cafe?"? My only concern with the latter is that she might be worn out or busy from work.

Definitely tell her in person. Have a definite idea about an activity or date you guys can go on together that you can suggest to her. You already have mutual interests so it shouldn't be too difficult to choose something that shows you know her well and what she likes to do with her time. Don't pick a movie because you won't be able to talk. If the idea of sitting across from her in a restaurant for a couple of hours is too daunting right now, take her somewhere that gives you plenty to do/talk about. Don't ask her where she'd like to go, because it comes over as passive or as though you haven't given any thought to what you could do together.

To ask her out confidently, suggest and secure a first date etc, you have to be a bit more alpha than perhaps you would normally be. In order to give a woman that swept-off-her-feet feeling, you need to have all the details worked out so that all she has to do is show up and look pretty. Asking her what she wants to do can wait until after a successful first date.

When you declare your feelings for her, there's a line to walk. If you're too casual about it she may get the impression that it doesn't matter a great deal to you if she turns you down. On the other hand, making her feel like the centre of your universe and the only woman you could ever love is going to make her feel pressured, which you don't want. She has to know that you're serious about a long term relationship but also that your world won't crumble into dust if she can't reciprocate your feelings. So be sincere, ardent even but don't gush or ramble. State your feelings/intentions calmly, eloquently and concisely, suggest a date you guys could go on when she feels ready to date again and then move straight on to the part where you tell her that you know she's not ready yet and that you're happy to give her the time she needs to make up her mind. If she doesn't make her own feelings known straightaway, politely make your exit and leave the ball in her court.

Obviously, you need to make it clear that you understand she needs some space right now, but that doesn't mean you can't have an impressive first date plan tucked up your sleeve to impress her with. By impressive I mean thoughtful and romantic. You don't have to beggar yourself to show her a good time. You're both students so I'm sure she knows that your funds are finite right now. Also, if you take her somewhere really fancy/expensive it will likely make her uncomfortable. It'll make you look like you're either trying to hard or of the opinion that she's a shallow/materialistic.

If she's not interested, you need to be prepared to accept that gracefully and reconcile yourself to only being her friend. Try not to cling to false hope or make her feel that you're going to be following her around like a lost puppy by saying something like 'if you ever change your mind.' People are generally either attracted to one another or they're not. If she turns you down unequivocally, the chances of her changing her mind are very slim. Then you have to accept and embrace the friend zone without resenting it. She has a perfect right not to want to date you. If the next guy she dates is a total fucktard, that's her problem and her prerogative. Don't torture yourself by becoming her 'shoulder to cry on' or rail at the sky because she's seeing someone else. You have to be able to be her friend and still move on with your life instead of consciously or unconsciously waiting for her to suddenly realise she wants to spend her life with you.

I hope I'm not offending you in any way, not all of my rambling post is going to apply to you I'm sure. If any of it helps in some way though, then that's great.

Best of luck.

 

[Rembrandt500]

I think I'm going to just remain friends with her for now. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm not reading ANY romantic vibes from her, and telling her I like her would make things pretty awkward. I think I've been kidding myself that she's interested in me, I sincerely doubt she is. I may revisit this sometime later, but for now I've been talking to two other girls I met on a dating site that seem to have more potential.

Thanks for all your advice, everyone.

 

[subwannabe]

good luck

 

[SweetErika]

I think I'm going to just remain friends with her for now. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm not reading ANY romantic vibes from her, and telling her I like her would make things pretty awkward. I think I've been kidding myself that she's interested in me, I sincerely doubt she is. I may revisit this sometime later, but for now I've been talking to two other girls I met on a dating site that seem to have more potential.

Thanks for all your advice, everyone.

It seems like you're on the right track, Rembrandt. Best of luck with the new ladies, and incidentally, seeing you dating and happy may just help your friend view you in a different light at some point.