The Cohabitation question: Moving in together.

[jupiter lilly]

Hi there. This is the first thread I've started here, so forgive me if my searching for other like threads wasn't thourough enough.


My boyfriend and I recently decided that we would like to move in together. We've been dating for almost 6 months now, and neither of us have lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend before. We're both very excited, but also a little bit nervous as well.

I'm curious to see what sort of advice is out there for people like us who are going to experience first time co-habitation with a significant other. Any major things to look out for? Smooth ways to get through the transition process? Any advice, anecdotes, or whatever would be greatly appreciated.

-Lilly

 

[Bobmi357]

There is a big difference between dating and living with someone. Dating puts people on thier best behavior, whereas living together forces people into such close proximity you start to notice things about each other you never saw before.

EXPECT to find out that he farts loudly in bed at night, or that when you two are alone he may scratch his balls occasionally while watching tv. EXPECT that he might not put the cap back on the toothpaste or put the toilet seat down.

Living together is little different than being married except you don't have that piece of paper. Its a great way to see if you're really compatible with someone, but you also have to learn to compromise now. When you live at home, you live under parental rules. When you live alone, you live under your rules. When you live with someone, you have to share the rules, the TV, the bathroom, the bills, the bed.

Is it worth it? I think so, I would never consider marrying a woman I hadn't lived with first. Sex on a date is one thing, entirely different from living together, especially once the initial lust has passed.

Marriage is probably the single greatest decision people make. When you look at other life altering decisions, people get second opinions. Buy a house without having it inspected? That would be stupid. Buy a car without test driving it, or having it checked by a mechanic? Another silly decision. Living together is like pre-purchase inspection before marrying. You can learn far more about a person by living with them for 3 months than you can dating them for a year.

 

[Lou Nuttick]

Make sure you're not stuck

At the risk of raining on your parade, I would like to inject a word of caution. Six months of dating is not a long time, as far as learning about someone goes. You are definitely still in “honeymoon” stage, and as that wears off, so may the desire for being with this person all the time. Moreover, as you learn more about him, there’s a real possibility that you may discover some major incompatibilities or worse.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t move in together, though I probably wouldn’t yet, but I would counsel you to make sure that you have options if things do not work out as you hope. Many people find themselves unable to move out after the relationship is over because of lease terms, or perhaps the inability to find another place that they can afford. This would be a miserable situation at best, and perhaps even a dangerous one, so proceed carefully and keep your eyes open.

Lou

 

[Weird Harold]

I'm curious to see what sort of advice is out there for people like us who are going to experience first time co-habitation with a significant other.

First a question: Is this your first time "cohabiting" with anyone? In other words, have you shared an apartment with anyone before?

The only difference between sharing an apartment with a friend and a SO is where you plan to sleep.

You're going to encounter the same sort of issues over who pays which bills, who does the dishes, who takes the trash out, who cleans the bathroom, etc, as you would encounter with a room-mate assigned by a college housing department or if you were sharing an apartment with a co-worker or friend.

First of all, sit down with your boyfriend and work out the financial arrangements and chores before you move in. Try to treat the discussion as you would negotiations with a co-worker you were considering sharing expenses with and set the SO relationship aside.

Second, Talk about setting some rules about company and relatives. -- one of mydaughters is in the process of moving out on her roommate because the roommmate moved his family in on them when they "needed a place to stay for a while;" A "while" that turned into nearly a year with every prospect of becoming permanent before she finally got fed up and moved out.

Finally, once you do move in together, set aside enough money to pay ALL of the expenses for at least a month -- or as much as you can towards that goal and keep saving until you've got enough to last three months if he disappears on you.

 

[jupiter lilly]

Thank you for the words of wisdom thus far...

And in response to your question Weird Harold, I have had some experience with roommates before. Several dorm roommates, and assorted other housemates/apartment-mates.

I know that it is a quick transition from dating to this sort of much more extensive commitment...we're not rushing into the moving process though...I'm thinking more beginning of summer...or in time for us to be settled when I start school again in september. Of course, it is probably overly optimistic to say that I feel like this is right...but I am pretty committed to the idea of making sure we communicate and try to work out possible issues before they become problems.

 

[Weird Harold]

in response to your question Weird Harold, I have had some experience with roommates before. Several dorm roommates, and assorted other housemates/apartment-mates.

Then other than the sleeping arrangements, you already know what to expect -- just don't let the SO aspect overwhelm your judgement.

 

[lovechild27]

I would say that six months isnt very long...Id date him at least a year and then see how things were going before doing it. At six months your still in that honeymoon period...who knows...you could live together and find out really quick you cant stand him. A little more time will tell!

 

[BlueSugar]

Let your friends know they are welcome anytime, host dinner parties and such. Make a communial area, free space for the two of you.

Go out of the apartment, go out on dates... just because you live together doesn't mean all that could/should stop.

Communication... COMMUNICATION, talk about every little thing... because they pile up fast.

Give some time to allow habits to come out...good and bad. Its one thing to spend alot of time with a person, its another to live with them. I've seen many couples break up/move out because of this ... hell, I remember it well from college... best friends move in with each other thinking its the best thing in the world, a semester goes buy and one of them moves out to save the friendship.

Good Luck honey!

 

[MastrJ]

I'm in a similar situation. However, one thing we've decided to do is make sure we have our own rooms. Both of us can tend to be pretty heavy loners so it seemed like a good idea to make sure we each have an area that belongs to one or the other. For me, at least, doing this takes some of the worry out of the situation. If we decide three months after getting the apartment that we're not compatible, neither one of us has to worry about rushing out to find a new place to live. We'll each already have our own space. Of course it goes without saying that I would much rather us decide we're wonderfully compatible with each other.

I'm not saying things wouldn't get awkward if we broke up, but I think having individual space in the apartment will go a long way towards keeping each other from overdosing on the other's presence/company. I've always tried to have a room like this of my own in every apartment. Usually it's just been the extra bedroom being used as my library, but it was still a room I could retreat into when I needed to.

 

[Mistress K]

I moved out of home when I was 19 and a half, into a flat to live on my own. I moved out of there to life with my girlfriend (same sex relationship) when I was 21. We had only been together for 5 months. She is a little older than me (37 yo) and has 2 kids.

We are very compatible and are having a wonderful time together. I get a little overwhelmed at times, but thats mostly because the kids are around and I can't totally relax and be myself. I always make sure I tell my partner about this, even if I need some space from her. She is very understanding and I often go out to visit my friends alone, giving myself time out and also giving my partner time out.

So the time you've been together really doesn't make that much of a difference, it all depends on how well you can communicate and if you are willing to compromise some things. If you love each other, you can make it work.

I wish you the very best of luck.

 

[potatohead]

hell, I remember it well from college... best friends move in with each other thinking its the best thing in the world, a semester goes buy and one of them moves out to save the friendship.

Or someone ends up dead LOL

Having space & time to be alone when needed is key. You don't want to cramp and annoy each other.

 

[jupiter lilly]

I'm in a similar situation. However, one thing we've decided to do is make sure we have our own rooms.

The idea of personal space does sound like a very good one. We've talked about getting a 2 bedroom apartment, so that there is some more space. It does seem like it would be beneficial to be able to get away and have some private time if need be.

 

[oo0_boo_0oo]

My b/f and I moved in together after just 4 months. We were both well aware that we were still in the honeymoon phase. We decided that we would try it out. 18 months later things are the same as they ever were. I don't think our honeymoon phase will ever go.

We spend very little time apart, but both have our own interests that we pursue.

Of course there are things that annoy us about each other, but its nothing that has become a problem in our relationship. Someone already said that communication is the key, so very true.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[lovechild27]

OK..while everyone tells you of stories of how great it is to live with someone you have dated for a relativly short time...I have to say that it doesnt always turn out like that.

I moved in with a guy after 5 months..he turned out to be an abusive, controlling speed addict. We spent lots of time together before hand...he managed to be clean those months we didnt live together...just spent the nights with each other. I thought I had met a guy who was perfect. The first few months were great and things started to go down hill. all the talking about things...all the planning...none of it helped out. It turned into the worst two years of my life. I tried to leave him and he threatened to come after me and hurt me...which he did when I left him. He ruined me financially, emotionally, mentally...I was a shell of myself when I finally got away. And in the begining, no one knew what he was really like. You could og never guessed that this guy would end up treating me like he did....

so things arent always rosey when you give it a try. My current bf moved in with his ex after a few months...holy shite what a psycho she was and what a terrible mess that turned out to be. While it can turn out to be great...it isnt always guarenteed when you havent been together for so long.

 

[oo0_boo_0oo]

I wasn't trying to suggest for one minute that life is always rosy, and everything works out. Hell its taken me 33 years to be where I am now, happy. I'm just saying that sometimes it can work.

 

[SexyChele]

Well, I certainly wish you the best. 6 months seems a little quick to me, but that's me. We must all do what we feel is right, ya know?

I've only live with one boyfriend, and that was when I was 19/20. At first all was fun - I got to play house. Yippeeee!!! Then reality set in. Now, I don't mind cooking. In fact, it's someting I absolutely enjoy. But cleaning house? I'll do it when it absolutely needs getting done. And laundry? A once a week dreaded task. (That I usually do when I'm cleaning the bathroom) Anyway....here I am cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and getting exactly what? Nooky a few times a week? Picking up after his buddies on the weekends? Watching him sleep on Saturday mornings while I'm fighting a vacumn cleaner?

I just couldn't do it. No, he really didn't do anything wrong. But if I'm gonna be doing everything a wife is gonna be doin'? Then I want the legal title to go with it. While I have no qualms about traveling with my boyfriend and sharing hotel rooms, or even spending weekends togethers, until/unless I get that ring on my finger and that paper that says I'm "Mrs. So-and-So", he can live in his place and I'll live in mine. He can do his laundry and I'll do mine. Though I will cook for him.

Nope. I found living with a man to be a fruitless endeavor. But, as I said, that's just me.

Oh, and having enough space so you two can get out of each other's hair is a good suggestion. The best I've seen here so far.

Good luck!

 

[Zergplex]

Well, I certainly wish you the best. 6 months seems a little quick to me, but that's me. We must all do what we feel is right, ya know?

I've only live with one boyfriend, and that was when I was 19/20. At first all was fun - I got to play house. Yippeeee!!! Then reality set in. Now, I don't mind cooking. In fact, it's someting I absolutely enjoy. But cleaning house? I'll do it when it absolutely needs getting done. And laundry? A once a week dreaded task. (That I usually do when I'm cleaning the bathroom) Anyway....here I am cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and getting exactly what? Nooky a few times a week? Picking up after his buddies on the weekends? Watching him sleep on Saturday mornings while I'm fighting a vacumn cleaner?

I just couldn't do it. No, he really didn't do anything wrong. But if I'm gonna be doing everything a wife is gonna be doin'? Then I want the legal title to go with it. While I have no qualms about traveling with my boyfriend and sharing hotel rooms, or even spending weekends togethers, until/unless I get that ring on my finger and that paper that says I'm "Mrs. So-and-So", he can live in his place and I'll live in mine. He can do his laundry and I'll do mine. Though I will cook for him.

Nope. I found living with a man to be a fruitless endeavor. But, as I said, that's just me.

Oh, and having enough space so you two can get out of each other's hair is a good suggestion. The best I've seen here so far.

Good luck!

My only question is why the man in question wasn't helping with the chores. That is one of the main things I feel about moving in together, things need to be equal. Equal shares in the chores, bills, ect. It pisses me off when I see a guy laying around while his girlfriend/wife cleans for him. How lazy can you get, it gives the rest of us a bad name.

-Zergplex

 

[SexyChele]

My only question is why the man in question wasn't helping with the chores. That is one of the main things I feel about moving in together, things need to be equal. Equal shares in the chores, bills, ect. It pisses me off when I see a guy laying around while his girlfriend/wife cleans for him. How lazy can you get, it gives the rest of us a bad name.

-Zergplex

Well, there are, unfortunately, a lot more men out there who either can't or feign stupidity when it comes to household chores. Then again, there are men who are fantastic cooks, but really suck at dusting. Even the man I'm with now, while knowing how to keep his own place tidy, will leave a hotel bathroom in a state that a war zone would envy. Well, at least makes the toilet bowl.

Actually, I don't mind keeping a house - once I've put my mind to it. I also have to admit that I have a certain standard of housekeeping. It's perhaps why I hate to do it so much! I've been told I'm just too picky. Ah well...

Besides, I've found out that things in any relationship are seldom 50/50. A man may very suck at laundry and dusting, but if he's willing to mow and trim the yard (something I hate even more than housecleaning!) and change the oil in my car, then I call it an even trade. Guess I'm just the sort of person who looks at the trash, it needs to be taken out, and I'll do because it needs to be done. I'm not one to "keep score" or play games in that area. Besides, it falls into the way I was raised.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Well, there are, unfortunately, a lot more men out there who either can't or feign stupidity when it comes to household chores. Then again, there are men who are fantastic cooks, but really suck at dusting. Even the man I'm with now, while knowing how to keep his own place tidy, will leave a hotel bathroom in a state that a war zone would envy. Well, at least makes the toilet bowl.

Actually, I don't mind keeping a house - once I've put my mind to it. I also have to admit that I have a certain standard of housekeeping. It's perhaps why I hate to do it so much! I've been told I'm just too picky. Ah well...

Besides, I've found out that things in any relationship are seldom 50/50. A man may very suck at laundry and dusting, but if he's willing to mow and trim the yard (something I hate even more than housecleaning!) and change the oil in my car, then I call it an even trade. Guess I'm just the sort of person who looks at the trash, it needs to be taken out, and I'll do because it needs to be done. I'm not one to "keep score" or play games in that area. Besides, it falls into the way I was raised.

Well I didn't mean to make is sound like in my response that you should keep score with what you do in a relationship, but in a relationship there should be give and take in my personal opinion. I personally go against the standard male, as a neatfreak who loves nothing more then to cook for my girlfriend. Hence I find the lazy male who won't pick anything up to be quite obnoxious, and the stereotypical male quite insulting. Thats just me though.

-Zergplex

 

[Guest]

Hi Jupiter Sweetie,

I thought I'd give you some tips from my own experiences. My wife and I lived together for over a year before we got married. I agree with a lot of what was said so far. Expect to find out some really bad habits by your partner, and for him to find out your bad habits as well.

Both of you will do things that will drive the other one insane, just remember don't sweat the small stuff. My wife and I have gotten into some major fights over things like not changing out the toilet paper and squeezing the toothpaste from the middle instead of the back. WHen it all comes down to it, those things are silly and just create more problems than they're worth. I hope that helps, and good luck. Your boyfriend is one VERY lucky guy

 

[edison]

Just quickly adding my two cents:


I was about to move in with a girl, then shit happend and we seperated... we had only been dating for 7 months.



But, I agree with several of the other posters here when I say that your six months isn't long enough. Your probably going to be in for a world of suprise when you figure out it's not what you thought it would be.

(I admit that in hindsite, 7 months for my relationship would have been okay... bare with me here though).


It all depends on whether or not your mature enough, honestly. 7 months wasn't that long, obviously; but we were with eachother every second day, and worked together sometimes, too.

We knew eachother very, very well.
Annnnnnduh... we were mature for our relationships relative newbiness. And are ages, too.

Anywho, it all bottles down to... not the question if you in love with said guy, or what not... it really comes down to, are you mature enough, in my opinion.

 

[lovechild27]

Well...I would say how mature you are is a part of it....but it also has a lot to do with how compatible you really are. If you two are opposites...he likes to stay in you like to go out...you like it neat he likes it messy...you want a man to cater to your every whim and he wants a girl who can really take care of herself...your responsible and he is not...things will get ugly very fast. It goes way past annoying habits...you come to realize that this person is so completely different from you that you cant even relate to them. And you dont know this until you spend LOTS of time together or actually move in and trying to break up while you live together is a mess....

 

[Angel_Diva]

Well, since everyone probably added everything there is to add about moving in togather, I'll just add my tidbit.

I just want to say that You and your guy should have everything sorted out before moving in. Your financial, your family (parents), your education (if your still in school, or planning to stay in school while togather)..... or whatever. So that you can move in togather in peace. 6 months is a bit fast, but I've been with my for like 2yrs... and well..... nothing yet, but plans.

Thats all i guess. Just becareful not to act rash, k. Making rash desicions isn't good.