The no sex marriage

[Gotham_Central]

Thank you. This is an insight I have not had before.

 

[spacekowboy]

Personally, I'm in a saxless marriage.


Sax can make a little blues trio pop.

 

[Bookishleigh]

Oh, I totally agree.

But there is unhappy and there is just unfulfilled. And there are options for getting one's "itch scratched" short of breaking a home.

So you're okay with keeping a "family" together under the guise of it being for the "greater good" of the children all while likely teaching your children what an unhealthy relationship looks like? Because I am sure that so many spouses are going to be cool allowing their partner to wander outside the marital bed even if they aren't giving it up. So that means lying. But all for the greater good. Yeah. That makes perfect sense.

 

[Gotham_Central]

So you're okay with keeping a "family" together under the guise of it being for the "greater good" of the children all while likely teaching your children what an unhealthy relationship looks like? Because I am sure that so many spouses are going to be cool allowing their partner to wander outside the marital bed even if they aren't giving it up. So that means lying. But all for the greater good. Yeah. That makes perfect sense.

I don't think I said any of that.
What I am in favor of is the realization that there are no cookie cutter answers.

 

[Bookishleigh]

I don't think I said any of that.
What I am in favor of is the realization that there are no cookie cutter answers.

Good. I would hate to have to get super bitchy on you.

And I don't have any cookie cutters......

 

[Hurricaneheather]

Two years into my relationship and my boyfriend has to be begged
For sex. And even then I don't usually get it. I don't know if it's the pot he smokes or his libido. But so many nights I cry thinking it's because of me. I try. Nothing hurts more than getting shot down night after night. And back before I got a divorce I remember my husband always pushing me for sex. I shot him down. If he wasn't a cheating jerk I'd feel bad now, knowing how it feels.

IVe felt like some anomaly. A freak. I've never been turned down for sex in my life. And now I tear myself up over it.

But I guess I'm not alone.

 

[Tigersman]

My marriage has ended up sex free due to my wife's poor hygiene and her weight. I'vetried talking to her about this to no avail.

 

[Gotham_Central]

And I don't have any cookie cutters......

What? Everyone needs cookie cutters! Even I have cookie cutters. Granted, they are bone shaped and I make treats for my dog, but still.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[CupCakes90]

I think there are a lot of components to marriage and sex is one of many. I don't think so much the act of not having sex hurts as the getting rejected by someone you are in love with. I mean if they are turning you down what does that say and from there on your mind will go nuts like she said.

This being said though there are some people that probably just don't enjoy sex or it's no big thing for them. Plus if they have been together for a long time that desire might go down if it is the same thing over and over again with no change.

I do think sex is important though and like any important thing you want to share it with the one you love. You are giving part of yourself as a gift and that to me is where the difference between love making and sex for fun can come into play. If my husband told me today that he was done having sex with me it would hurt me more because I'd want to know why?

 

[silver gurl]

No. I could not do a sexless marriage, unless it was for health issues. I would completely understand that

 

[pensivepoet]

My parents did this; not separating til I was adult. It was imo a terrible mistake for all of us. They entered old age unpartnered and both feeling too old to commence new relationships, this my husband and I feel duty of care to look out for them in a way we would feel less if they were not each alone. It's been great for my mother but would have been better many many years before. For my father it's Been dreadful. As a child the lack of role modelling for successful relationship is not great and lack of fulfilment often doesn't lead to great communication. If you reamsin best friends. Great! But being blamed for why your parents stay together is also no fun at what ever age they separate. ' well, we raised you and now we are out' is a horrid thing to hear ' and very few have the restraint to leave it just as that.

That's very insightful, even profound
But 20 yrs too late to help me
But in truth, I shoulda known it all along

 

[Lancecastor]

Both partners have to be in agreement. It killed my marriage. His absolute refusal to discuss the issue or seek help for it seeped into every aspect of our relationship and it got to the point where we not only had separate bedrooms but completely separate lives. He only later told me that he has always been somewhat asexual and only participated as much as he did early on because he was afraid I would leave.

Sadly, I had a lot of girlfriends who would roll their eyes and complain about their husbands pawing at them and then they would say, "I should send my husband to you!" I wonder if they really would feel that way if their husbands were asexual.

By contrast, luk flashes dickpics and photos of the various devices you sex him with...would you say this is likely a rebound?

 

[xhxhxh]

No. I could not do a sexless marriage, unless it was for health issues. I would completely understand that

I commend your attitude but trust me, it doesnt make it any easier

 

[LanguageOfLove]

I can relate to this post because I was in a sexless marriage for quite a while. It wasn't that we didn't love each other, I think that we just didn't know how to communicate very well. There were a lot of arguments and I would push him away because of his approach. It was beginning to frighten me to the point we didn't talk very much anymore.

However, we finally started talking about our love/sex life more and more and I expressed what was bothering me, he did the same. We continued to express our miscommunications and what we both wanted as far as approach. It got even better when we went on vacation. This is when things got much better. I was finally able to understand what love really felt like.

He has since changed his approach and I have done the same. We have had a wonderful sex life ever since. I feel like I am learning so much more about myself than I ever did.

I hope this helps because I always thought things would always be the same, but we are finally moving forward.

Plus I just did a lot of personal sharing, not easy for me, but working on it.

 

[EternalFantasies]

How's the US law? if u live with someone 6 mo or a year, r u considered married?

 

[Bookishleigh]

How's the US law? if u live with someone 6 mo or a year, r u considered married?

It varies by state and the majority of states do not recognize what some call "common law" marriages. Also, the few states that do recognize these types of marriages require the relationship to have formed prior to certain years (most of them before 2000).

By contrast, luk flashes dickpics and photos of the various devices you sex him with...would you say this is likely a rebound?

You have an obsession.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

You have an obsession.

Thanks for this, takes me back...in that good way!

 

[LanguageOfLove]

Being in a sexless marriage made me so guilty, but I am realizing it can change.

 

[Lancecastor]

He only later told me that he has always been somewhat asexual and only participated as much as he did early on because he was afraid I would leave.

How's his sex life now?

 

[soltiera]

.....

 

[xhxhxh]

I can count on one hand the number of times my partner and I have had sex in the past 20 years. For years and years he constantly turned me down and I finally stopped begging and pleading for it and just took care of myself. Occasionally I would try again but he was just as determined to ignore my needs as ever. I did develop some anxiety and depression and definitely started thinking I was unworthy or unattractive to my partner.
We would talk and talk but nothing would change. Finally he started to understand my feelings and now he is at least willing to participate with me when I get myself off. It's not perfect and I definitely miss sex with another person! But I love him and he loves me. In all other areas of our lives, things are perfect. Nobody knows how lonely I am though and all my friends see the perfect harmonious relationship we have and are envious. If they only knew!

Its certainly not an easy thing to endure, regardless of the reason why it's happening (or not, in this case). Appearing "perfect" to all others certainly doesnt make any of it easier either. Im not sure how the ones interested in sex wind up with the ones that aren't lol. Keep fighting the good fight. Here's to hoping for a reversal of fortunes!

 

[marcus1964]

Soltiera, I can certainly empathise with you. We have had sex so few times it's a miracle that our daughter was born!. In this case there are reasons, but doesn't make it any easer. I've lost count of how many times I've lain in bed wanting intimacy and sex, but not being able to get it. Yet in other ways, a good marriage - we have a great daughter, other aspects of professional and social life fine.
I wish that we could separate sex an mariage.... I wish having sex with a partner outside of marriage was not seen in such black and white terms - for most people it's always wrong, and other women just are not interested it seems because one is married... Also for some it always seems that the man is in the wrong, no matter the circumstance....
Thank heavens for Lit!!!! At least here nobody judges one's fantasies....

 

[RobDownSouth]

Go over to reddit.com and look at the DeadBedrooms subforum.

50,000+ subscribers reading about those poor folks who have bed partners who have given up on sex.

 

[latecomer91364]

No kids, but I can see that as the only reason to stay in a sexless marriage.

My ex-wife used sex as a manipulative tool, withholding it for the most insignificant reasons, usually to get her way on something. After a while, I stopped asking. I never cheated, but fortunately online porn came along. I stayed in the marriage for purely selfish reasons, waiting for property values to come back up. We split after she cheated, and I didn't even care. We sold the house for 3 times what we paid for it, and I don't believe I will ever marry, or even live with a woman again.