The wife reconection project

[openminded1972]

Ok...here's the situation. My wife and I have an 18 month old and are both self employed. Time has become a scarce resource around here with one of us working late almost every night. In addition our little one still has not slept through the night yet, therefore my wife is constantly sleep deprived.

One consequence of this is our sex life has really tanked from 4-5 times a week to about once a month. I'd like to see this improve *g* as I think it's an really important barometer of the health of our relationship (spoken like a guy *g*).

So I have started this thread to chronicle my efforts and get some feedback.

This is way serious for me...I'd much rather roll one and chill out!

 

[DelicateFlower]

Ok...here's the situation. My wife and I have an 18 month old and are both self employed. Time has become a scarce resource around here with one of us working late almost every night. In addition our little one still has not slept through the night yet, therefore my wife is constantly sleep deprived.

This might be the problem, seeing as how you both sound sleep deprived more than anything. When babies don't sleep then mommy and daddy don't sleep, and seeing as how one of you works late into the night, it just adds on. Everything can be altered by sleepiness...even sex.

Here is a site I found that has some tips you might find helpful...hope it helps.


http://parenting.ivillage.com/baby/bsleep/0,,40rf,00.html


Good Luck

DF

 

[borisk]

My wife does not work and our daughter was very colic, first 6 months of her life was staying up all night..... Would not sleep at all. Basically we had to eventually put her in the crib and let her cry it out. Now we didnt neglect her, just let her cry for longer before we would go and check on her. After about a week of this she started to sleep through the night.

One thing you may want to do is check with the local churches. We take our daughter to a mothers day out program. This is great for our daughter because she gets to play with kids her age and its in a church environment, not a day care. Its twice a week for about 6 hrs. This gives my wife a break to do chores, shopping, etc

one thing that helps a lot is making time just for the both of you. Also most gyms have child care included with membership.

Boris

 

[openminded1972]

Here is a site I found that has some tips you might find helpful...hope it helps.

Thanks for the link DelicateFlower, my wife and I have and continue to use some of those strategies and they seem to help.

 

[Eilan]

I'm assuming that you're also addressing your concerns with your wife instead of just venting to us. If you're not communicating with her, nothing we say will help you.

Deal with your child's sleep issues first. During the first few months, you NEED to respond to your baby when he/she cries at night. An 18-month-old, however, doesn't NEED to wake up continually during the night. If you continue to go to your child when he/she cries, you continue to reinforce the behavior. Obviously, this doesn't apply when your child's sick or otherwise in distress, and you should be able to tell if this is the case based on his/her cry.

At this age, I'd be inclined to try the "cold turkey" approach. It'll be more painful for you two than it will be for your child, but if you can handle it, the problem should resolve in a few days.

Question: Do you both NEED to work?

 

[openminded1972]

I'm assuming that you're also addressing your concerns with your wife instead of just venting to us. If you're not communicating with her, nothing we say will help you.

Oh we are working on it all the time, that is the time we have. Our life isn't horrible...it's just strained. I prefer to work on this now than have it grow into a real problem down the road.

Obviously, this doesn't apply when your child's sick or otherwise in distress, and you should be able to tell if this is the case based on his/her cry.

This is a tough one due to the fact that our little one's teething has been the root of her poor sleeping. We have a great community of other parents to bounce ideas off of and most agree our little one has a very difficult time with teething.

At this age, I'd be inclined to try the "cold turkey" approach. It'll be more painful for you two than it will be for your child, but if you can handle it, the problem should resolve in a few days.

I will admit however that we are not going to let her cry it out. Both my wife and I agree on this point. I completely respect your point of view on this, it's just we have made our decision based on some family history etc.

The good news is our little one is getting her last few teeth in now! *jumping for joy*

Question: Do you both NEED to work?

The short answer is no. We are in a transition though from her being the primary wage earner to me doing that. This is why we are bot working...me for the future, her for our imediate needs.

Great points, thanks for the input Eilan.

 

[Seduce]

I'm assuming that you're also addressing your concerns with your wife instead of just venting to us. If you're not communicating with her, nothing we say will help you.

Deal with your child's sleep issues first. During the first few months, you NEED to respond to your baby when he/she cries at night. An 18-month-old, however, doesn't NEED to wake up continually during the night. If you continue to go to your child when he/she cries, you continue to reinforce the behavior. Obviously, this doesn't apply when your child's sick or otherwise in distress, and you should be able to tell if this is the case based on his/her cry.

At this age, I'd be inclined to try the "cold turkey" approach. It'll be more painful for you two than it will be for your child, but if you can handle it, the problem should resolve in a few days.

Question: Do you both NEED to work?

This is just what I did when my girls didnt want to sleep for no reason (maybe it was just more fun to be awake than sleep)....... I put them to bed and didnt bother anymore.
First day there was a bit of crying, second day just couple of calls, third day they were sleeping like all good babies should. And they got used to be put in bed and sleep exactly at 7 P.M...... for next 10 years.

However it may seem odd regarding how some of them behave, children do like to have discipline in their lives.

 

[Eilan]

Oh we are working on it all the time, that is the time we have. Our life isn't horrible...it's just strained. I prefer to work on this now than have it grow into a real problem down the road.

I completely understand, and I didn't mean to come across as bitchy in my initial post.

Families with infants and toddlers can be very stressed families; I read somewhere that marital satisfaction tends to be at one of its lowest points during this time. I have two toddlers, so I know how stressful this time can be. I also know from my first marriage what kind of a toll the stress of having a young family can take on a relationship. That's why my hubby and I make every effort to make OUR relationship a priority. I'm NOT saying that we neglect the kids; we just take the time to remember that it was our love for each other that created the kids (well, the youngest two, anyway) in the first place. The kids reap the benefits of growing up in a household in which they know their parents love and respect each other (which is the complete opposite of the environment I grew up in).

I hope that makes sense.

 

[5pintshefound]

Ok...here's the situation. My wife and I have an 18 month old and are both self employed. Time has become a scarce resource around here with one of us working late almost every night. In addition our little one still has not slept through the night yet, therefore my wife is constantly sleep deprived.

One consequence of this is our sex life has really tanked from 4-5 times a week to about once a month. I'd like to see this improve *g* as I think it's an really important barometer of the health of our relationship (spoken like a guy *g*).

So I have started this thread to chronicle my efforts and get some feedback.

This is way serious for me...I'd much rather roll one and chill out!

yup, the sleep thing is a big deal... once the babe starts sleeping thru the ngiht, the rest of life should at least come a little closer to being in place.... i have a 15 mo old baby and to get him to sleep at night, i make a bottle of warm milk, make half of it into cereal, and feed him that, and then let him have the rest of the milk, and when hes done, i put himto bed. theres a lot of people out there thtat say that im wrong, that hes going to be obese because of it, but hes not out of the normal range for weight, so im not worrying about it. when or if he gets to the above average for weight then i will..... he sleeps all ngiht thru with something in his tummy. if i dont feed him the cereal and milk, he wont sleep thru.

also, if the little oens still teething, try giving her/him? a cold wet washrag to chew on.. both my kids loved that...

my husband and i went thru a really rough period after my 1st son was born... { if your interested, ill have him look up the thread} no sex, no sleep, yadda yadda.. getting life figured out after kids can be rough... but hang in there, it WILL get better! ~5PHF

 

[openminded1972]

I completely understand, and I didn't mean to come across as bitchy in my initial post.

No worries. *g*

I completely buy into the concepth that you keep your relationship with your spouse a priority. If that is going well then I'm sure you can be a much more loving and effective parent.

 

[openminded1972]

my husband and i went thru a really rough period after my 1st son was born... { if your interested, ill have him look up the thread} no sex, no sleep, yadda yadda.. getting life figured out after kids can be rough... but hang in there, it WILL get better! ~5PHF

That would be an interesting read if you can find it. This board has so many posts that it's like finding a neeldle in a haystack when searching for something.

So far everyone is in agreement that sleep is critical. So I think i'll focus on that moving forward.

 

[openminded1972]

Day 1 review

Ok so what happened yesterday?

I woke up with the little one around 6 am.

After she nursed around 7 am we got semi-dressed and left to go to the bagle shop. This is a common Saturday (yes we went on friday) event so my wife gets more sleep and we have bagles (screw the Atkins diet *g*) for the comming week.

Day went along normal and caught some live music at night. Little one asleep at her normal 8 pm time.

My wife turned down a massage *frown*, prefering to read another Nora Roberts book. For those who don't know she's the romance/chick novel equivalent of Stephen King.

Oh my wife is on her second day of her period so no nookie possibility anyhow. She gets very crampy. Here's a question for you folks...did the intensity of your PMS change after you had childern? My wife's seems to have gotten much worse.

I went to sleep around 10:30 and I think she was in bed around 11:00.

Pretty good day over all.

(note this may be boring for some but it's more so I can look back and see what relates to what, call it a poor man's blog *g*)

 

[SweetErika]

Oh my wife is on her second day of her period so no nookie possibility anyhow. She gets very crampy. Here's a question for you folks...did the intensity of your PMS change after you had childern? My wife's seems to have gotten much worse.

I haven't had a kid, but my cramps and overall PMS got significantly worse a few months after I came off of birth control pills after 8 years. When she's done nursing, she might want to ask her doctor about starting one of the lowest dose pills (though you have to be careful...they can significantly reduce the libido as well), or something like the NuvaRing.

In the meantime, you might want to pull up some of the research and have her ask the doctor about orgasms and PMS... they're fairly well documented to relieve cramps, headaches, and the overall ickiness. My husband and I don't often have sex right before or during the first few days of my period, but we'll often do mutual masturbation, he'll give me orgasms, and I'll take time to masturbate when he's not available. It might sound silly and counterintuitive, but I've actually come to crave it because I always feel SO much better physically and emotionally.

 

[Leeleigh]

Openminded, I can not tell by what you wrote, but do you take a turn at getting up in the middle of the night when the baby cries? You comment that your wife is sleep deprived which sounds like she is the only one.

Also, I know that you don't want to do this, but the sooner you wean the baby off of one of you coming when she cries, the better off you will be, or you will be addressing a different problem in the future.. A little one who will be crawling in bed with you. Much worse than a crying baby in tossing a wet blanket on desire! Trust me... they will always arrive at the worst possible time, cause no matter when they show up, it will be a bad time.

 

[openminded1972]

Openminded, I can not tell by what you wrote, but do you take a turn at getting up in the middle of the night when the baby cries? You comment that your wife is sleep deprived which sounds like she is the only one.

No, mostly due to the fact that I don't produce any milk...the little one is still nursing. My wife gets some decent sleep in the am when I take over...anywhere from 5-6 am.

Thanks for the question.

 

[Leeleigh]

No, mostly due to the fact that I don't produce any milk...the little one is still nursing. My wife gets some decent sleep in the am when I take over...anywhere from 5-6 am.

Thanks for the question.

I had to ask..

She might consider pumping her breast and making up bottles that you can heat up and feed your daughter..

Just a suggestion that might give her some more sleep.

 

[5pintshefound]

No, mostly due to the fact that I don't produce any milk...the little one is still nursing. My wife gets some decent sleep in the am when I take over...anywhere from 5-6 am.

Thanks for the question.

ok, so i dont know how to link from one thing to another, but if you do a search for lost5pints, it will come up with everything hes posted on. the one you want to read is 'getting my wife to relax and do more' now mind you, i had no clue that he posted about this, as most of it happened while i was out of town visiting my folks {long long story} but we got good advice then, might help you out?

ok, for a few questions... shes 18 monthes old and still breastfeeding? wow. thats amazing... i mean, if yoiu guys are cool with it, great.. but is she eating solid foods? breastfeeding has definate advantages and all, but its definately time that she can be weaned off that, and off a bottle too... at 18 mos she should be starting to work on sippys {in fact if you listen to some docs, and WIC- children now a days should be on a sippy by 1 yr } like i said before , its great and all, but for one.. at 18mos she should have a whole mouthfull of teeth,and damn but thats gotta hurt!!!! ok, please dont take this as judging, as that is not what its meant to be... im just purely thinking of ouchy boobies, plus, sippys are so much more convenient instead of whipping out a breast everytime she gets hungry in the middle of the mall, or walmart. ok, about the pms thing.. oh hell YES it gets worse.... and i didnt think it was really bad, but once i got my tubes tied, oh my god. now i get cramps that literally bring me to my knees.. awful awful awful..... ok, heres another thing, and im sure theres somebody out there gonna tell me im wrong, but doesnt breastfeeding cause the uterine muscles to contract? could THAT cause cramps to get worse during menstruation? like i said, i dont know.. and im not a nurse or anything, but it sounds like it might make sense. {maybe look up on webmd?} , oh andleeleighs idea of pumping, excellent!!!! great idea gl! ~5PHF

 

[openminded1972]

In the meantime, you might want to pull up some of the research and have her ask the doctor about orgasms and PMS... they're fairly well documented to relieve cramps, headaches, and the overall ickiness. My husband and I don't often have sex right before or during the first few days of my period, but we'll often do mutual masturbation, he'll give me orgasms, and I'll take time to masturbate when he's not available. It might sound silly and counterintuitive, but I've actually come to crave it because I always feel SO much better physically and emotionally.

I had never heard of this but it makes intuitive sense. I'll do some reading, if you know of any good links on this please post for everyone. I think it's sexy that you guys do masturbate together, i'm sure it just improves your overall sex life. Thanks for sharing.

 

[openminded1972]

ok, so i dont know how to link from one thing to another, but if you do a search for lost5pints, it will come up with everything hes posted on. the one you want to read is 'getting my wife to relax and do more' now mind you, i had no clue that he posted about this, as most of it happened while i was out of town visiting my folks {long long story} but we got good advice then, might help you out?

Ok, i'll look it up, thanks.

ok, for a few questions... shes 18 monthes old and still breastfeeding? wow. thats amazing... i mean, if yoiu guys are cool with it, great.. but is she eating solid foods? breastfeeding has definate advantages and all, but its definately time that she can be weaned off that, and off a bottle too... at 18 mos she should be starting to work on sippys {in fact if you listen to some docs, and WIC- children now a days should be on a sippy by 1 yr }

Oh no worries the little one eats all the time (no cheese mind you, and I think that's just weird). Breastfeeding now happens 3-4 times a day, but almost always twice at night. Different organizations have different recomendations on breastfeeding. The World Health Organization recomends at a minimun 2 years of breastfeeding.

at 18mos she should have a whole mouthfull of teeth,and damn but thats gotta hurt!!!!

You'd think *g* but I never hear her complain so I think they have it worked out.

plus, sippys are so much more convenient instead of whipping out a breast everytime she gets hungry in the middle of the mall, or walmart.

My wife would disagree with that...I mean the boobs are always attached and ready to go.

ok, heres another thing, and im sure theres somebody out there gonna tell me im wrong, but doesnt breastfeeding cause the uterine muscles to contract? could THAT cause cramps to get worse during menstruation?

Hmm, I'll have to look into that,..*shakes his head*...when I'm really old and grey I'll still know like next to nothing about women and their bodies.

ok, please dont take this as judging, as that is not what its meant to be

No problem there, I am openminded after all. *g*

 

[openminded1972]

She might consider pumping her breast and making up bottles that you can heat up and feed your daughter..

Just a suggestion that might give her some more sleep.

That's a great suggestion and we used to do that but the little one nurses a lot less than in the past and this has made pumping not such an attractive option for my wife. I don't understand completely why she decided this but i could bring it back up. Thanks.

Oh one thing to consider I suppose is that you have to heat the bottle up and that does take some time.

 

[openminded1972]

Day 2 review

Saturday was a great day!

We all woke up ready to go me and the little one first the wife a couple of hours later. We tackled a number of home improvement projects and went swiming in the afternoon.

The best part was for the first time in weeks my wife teased me all day long...she had me aroused throughout most of the day, rubbing against me, making comments and even giving me a little show while she was in the shower.

After the little one went to bed she gave me the best oral i've had in a long while.
I then gave her a nice long back massage which she loves. After we cuddled and chatted about our day ect. It was nice.

I went to bed abot 10...I think she was in bed by 11.

So far so good!

 

[SweetErika]

I had never heard of this but it makes intuitive sense. I'll do some reading, if you know of any good links on this please post for everyone. I think it's sexy that you guys do masturbate together, i'm sure it just improves your overall sex life. Thanks for sharing.

Google 'PMS orgasms' or 'dysmenorreah' and a little of what you come up with:
PMS and Orgasm
The Many Health Benefits of Orgasm
The Benefits of Sex and Orgasm from Planned Parenthood

Apparently Masters and Johnson also did some research on the effects of orgasm on cramps.

 

[Eilan]

No, mostly due to the fact that I don't produce any milk...the little one is still nursing. My wife gets some decent sleep in the am when I take over...anywhere from 5-6 am.

I commend your wife for sticking with nursing for so long. It can be physically and emotionally demanding.

While there's nothing wrong with nursing a few times a day at this age, even though your child should be mostly on solid foods and able to drink from a cup at this point, an 18-month old doesn't have a physical NEED for nourishment in the middle of the night. At this point, she's waking up because she's used to nursing and the contact with her mom that she gets from it.

The fact that you're not physically able to participate in the feeding of your child doesn't mean that you can't help out. When I was nursing in the middle of the night, my husband used to bring the baby to me. He always felt that it was unfair for him to snooze away while I was up for the 15-30 minutes it took to nurse, plus however long it took to get the baby back to sleep. Furthermore, I bet if you started going to your child when she wakes up in the middle of the night, her "need" for nighttime feedings would disappear rather quickly.

But, ultimately, it's your kid, so it's your call.

 

[openminded1972]

Thanks SweetErika for the links, some interesting reading, i have noticed that having an orgasam will reduce the severity of my headaches.

I read this on one of the sites:

Sigmund Freud made a pronouncement that the "mature" woman has orgasms only when her vagina, but not her clitoris, is stimulated

I'm not an expert on psycology but was old Freud right about anything?

 

[openminded1972]

Day 3 review

Sunday was pretty good. My wife woke up around 9 am after the little one woke up only at 4 am. That's a good night for my wife. Both her and I though were grumpy with each other throughout the morning.

The day went well enough (lots of home improvement stuff again) and we went to the lake in the afternoon.

Last night I we watched some TV and then she went and did some work and I went to sleep around 10. SHe went to sleep later, not sure what time.

She's in a bad cycle of staying up late and sleeping late. Untill a few weeks ago she always went to bed around 10 now it's at least an hour later. She's very resistant to going to bed earlier.