phantome71
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2002
- Posts
- 36
Check this new story out and let me know whadya think?
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72263
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72263
Too Hot To Handle
- Thread starter phantome71
- Start date
ladyphoenix
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2001
- Posts
- 212
phantome71’s “Too Hot To Handle”
Para. 1: I think your opening could use a lot more ‘zing’ here. Jennifer was plain and homely in high school, okay. Give the opening some humor or something else to give us a kick right off (something like “Jennifer looked at herself in the mirror and made a face that would have cracked the glass if it hadn’t been so thick.)
Jenn’s internal dialogue should be in single quotes ( ‘What a mess I look,’ she thought to herself.)
You say she ‘looks a mess’, insinuating that she’s having a bad hair day or just had a fight with the neighbor’s dog or something, then you switch to mentioning her glasses and pigtails (does she still wear either of them???). We’re picturing a 19 year old in pigtails and glasses, a rather immature image of your character.
Para. 2: “She decided to go to the cinema arrived to join a short queue.” doesn’t make any sense.
Para. 3: “It was a good-looking boy with an American accent.” is a fragment.
Para. 4: This paragraph is a bit confusing in its construction. Try this:
“Yes, you,” he said.
Blushing, Jennifer said yes, that she was alone.
“I’m Mark,” he said, smiling. “Would you like to go in together?”
Para. 5: “Mark held her gently to him…” That’s a big step already. Maybe it would be better to say he has his hand at her lower back to help guide her in the dark and bent to whisper the question in her ear.
Para. 6: “Jennifer”, You do this pretty consistently. The period or comma or question mark should go INSIDE the quotes, not outside of them.
Para. 7: Again, you mix up his point of view with hers. Also, you write with little interest in terms of verbs/adjectives/adverbs and in more of a passive voice. This paragraph reads:
“Let me take your coat Jennifer”. She undid the buttons and he pulled it off her shoulders and lightly ran his hands down her figure as he removed it for her. She shuddered as he did so. She supposed it was done innocently enough but even such a mild caress as that was affecting her composure.
Try this instead:
“Can I take your coat, Jennifer?” Mark asked politely.
Unfastening the buttons, Jennifer allowed him to take it, shuddering as he touched her shoulders almost caressingly. She supposed it had been an innocent enough gesture but even so, it was affecting her composure.
From this point, some general comments:
“…the cinema lights were half up…” then why did they need an usher with a flashlight??
‘honey’ doesn’t have to be capitalized unless it starts a sentence or is a proper name.
This is a 19 year old who doesn’t know how her hair could be styled in “any other way” than pigtails? Come on.
‘underway’ is one word.
Why does she have her hands under her coat on her lap? Are her hands cold?
The movie must have taken all of about ten minutes; all he could do was slide his hand onto her bare thigh and the movie is suddenly over?
“Jennifer contributed very little to the discussion but despite her obvious shyness, what she didn’t know was that Mark was really quite taken by her. Perhaps it was her shyness and vulnerability that attracted him.” This is a major problem. If she is NOT aware of his thoughts, how can she be telling them to us from her perspective?? And not only does she somehow magically know his thoughts, but she speculates about what about her has ‘attracted him’.
“I do believe that you are blushing again said Mark”, with a wicked grin! Should be: “I do believe you are blushing again,” Mark said with a wicked grin.
You jump from her blushing to the next night; another poor transition of time.
“Everything was happening so fast to her…” This is a problem with the whole story, I think. Everything is happening TO her. Jennifer is some impossibly perfectly innocent Snow White who still lives with her Daddy, doesn’t know that she can’t do anything with her hair besides putting it up in pigtails and has no clue about male anatomy. One day she meets the gorgeous Mark and she becomes a sex kitten.
The progress of the sexual encounter is choppy. Now he’s picking her up. Now he’s kneeling between her legs. Now his hand is inside her panties. There’s no flow, no rhythm to it, just one fact followed by another fact and no transitions.
The ultimate insult to me as a reader was this line: “She thrilled at the sight of his muscular body but thought that his “thing” sticking way out in front of him was quite funny!”
Overall, you have flat characters who are wholly unrealistic and far too clichéd and your plot is the same. Sorry, but not recommendable.
best,
ladyp
Para. 1: I think your opening could use a lot more ‘zing’ here. Jennifer was plain and homely in high school, okay. Give the opening some humor or something else to give us a kick right off (something like “Jennifer looked at herself in the mirror and made a face that would have cracked the glass if it hadn’t been so thick.)
Jenn’s internal dialogue should be in single quotes ( ‘What a mess I look,’ she thought to herself.)
You say she ‘looks a mess’, insinuating that she’s having a bad hair day or just had a fight with the neighbor’s dog or something, then you switch to mentioning her glasses and pigtails (does she still wear either of them???). We’re picturing a 19 year old in pigtails and glasses, a rather immature image of your character.
Para. 2: “She decided to go to the cinema arrived to join a short queue.” doesn’t make any sense.
Para. 3: “It was a good-looking boy with an American accent.” is a fragment.
Para. 4: This paragraph is a bit confusing in its construction. Try this:
“Yes, you,” he said.
Blushing, Jennifer said yes, that she was alone.
“I’m Mark,” he said, smiling. “Would you like to go in together?”
Para. 5: “Mark held her gently to him…” That’s a big step already. Maybe it would be better to say he has his hand at her lower back to help guide her in the dark and bent to whisper the question in her ear.
Para. 6: “Jennifer”, You do this pretty consistently. The period or comma or question mark should go INSIDE the quotes, not outside of them.
Para. 7: Again, you mix up his point of view with hers. Also, you write with little interest in terms of verbs/adjectives/adverbs and in more of a passive voice. This paragraph reads:
“Let me take your coat Jennifer”. She undid the buttons and he pulled it off her shoulders and lightly ran his hands down her figure as he removed it for her. She shuddered as he did so. She supposed it was done innocently enough but even such a mild caress as that was affecting her composure.
Try this instead:
“Can I take your coat, Jennifer?” Mark asked politely.
Unfastening the buttons, Jennifer allowed him to take it, shuddering as he touched her shoulders almost caressingly. She supposed it had been an innocent enough gesture but even so, it was affecting her composure.
From this point, some general comments:
“…the cinema lights were half up…” then why did they need an usher with a flashlight??
‘honey’ doesn’t have to be capitalized unless it starts a sentence or is a proper name.
This is a 19 year old who doesn’t know how her hair could be styled in “any other way” than pigtails? Come on.
‘underway’ is one word.
Why does she have her hands under her coat on her lap? Are her hands cold?
The movie must have taken all of about ten minutes; all he could do was slide his hand onto her bare thigh and the movie is suddenly over?
“Jennifer contributed very little to the discussion but despite her obvious shyness, what she didn’t know was that Mark was really quite taken by her. Perhaps it was her shyness and vulnerability that attracted him.” This is a major problem. If she is NOT aware of his thoughts, how can she be telling them to us from her perspective?? And not only does she somehow magically know his thoughts, but she speculates about what about her has ‘attracted him’.
“I do believe that you are blushing again said Mark”, with a wicked grin! Should be: “I do believe you are blushing again,” Mark said with a wicked grin.
You jump from her blushing to the next night; another poor transition of time.
“Everything was happening so fast to her…” This is a problem with the whole story, I think. Everything is happening TO her. Jennifer is some impossibly perfectly innocent Snow White who still lives with her Daddy, doesn’t know that she can’t do anything with her hair besides putting it up in pigtails and has no clue about male anatomy. One day she meets the gorgeous Mark and she becomes a sex kitten.
The progress of the sexual encounter is choppy. Now he’s picking her up. Now he’s kneeling between her legs. Now his hand is inside her panties. There’s no flow, no rhythm to it, just one fact followed by another fact and no transitions.
The ultimate insult to me as a reader was this line: “She thrilled at the sight of his muscular body but thought that his “thing” sticking way out in front of him was quite funny!”
Overall, you have flat characters who are wholly unrealistic and far too clichéd and your plot is the same. Sorry, but not recommendable.
best,
ladyp
PaulX35
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2002
- Posts
- 331
Hi phantome,
Ladyphoenix already commented extensively on the things that could make your story a better story. And I agree with what she said: lots of things that happen aren't coherent, they just come falling out of the sky.
I think you should try and work on this a lot, because I do find that you possess the talent to write hot things about sex. The characters were cliche, the plot was weak, but you do have a way to handle innocent Jennifer nicely. So use that, and you will get along nicely, I would say.
Good luck
Paul
Ladyphoenix already commented extensively on the things that could make your story a better story. And I agree with what she said: lots of things that happen aren't coherent, they just come falling out of the sky.
I think you should try and work on this a lot, because I do find that you possess the talent to write hot things about sex. The characters were cliche, the plot was weak, but you do have a way to handle innocent Jennifer nicely. So use that, and you will get along nicely, I would say.
Good luck
Paul
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