triolet triage

[Maria2394]

Lately I have noticed some forms of poetry posted here I hadn't seen before. Specifically, the triolet.
I tried my hand at a couple and they werent anythingto write home about, so I thought maybe if anyone with knowledge in this form could point out some problems with this poem, okay?

be honest, I can take it thanks in advance
**********
alpha why

orange pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed
monarchs drift on south winds blowing
orange pastel skies are glowing
distance from summer and darkness is growing
the first of autumn's blue asters have bloomed
orange pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed

 

[Cordelia]

alpha why

orange pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed
monarchs drift on south winds blowing
orange pastel skies are glowing
distance from summer and darkness is growing
the first of autumn's blue asters have bloomed
orange pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed

Hi Maria,

There are so few subjects that lend themselves to this form. It's a very light type of form. This subject seems appropriate, but it almost sounds like you are trying too hard.

The rhythm of L2 is a bit awkward, and seems to make the poem lurch a little. Try rewording it?

final summer sun, consumed

or

summer's end with sun consumed

or some such.

Do the same for L5 and L6. Tighten up the rhythm. You have a nice vignette here. Perfect triolet material. Lovely.

Cordelia

Oh, and by the way... I did have a triolet posted back in February, and I even posted a thread about it...

 

[Maria2394]

thanks Cordelia!
I was up late last night, looking for examples and found a good site ( which I cant find the link to right now) and I realized that it wasn't as serious a form as I first thought.
One of the best ones I saw was about a fat lady walking through fields and then a very funny banter between several poets ensued with them in turn questioning th e poet about why she even cares if fat ladies walk through fields.. reminds me of some of the wit on this forum
and all their responses were in triolet form

thanks again for your suggestions and you know what I'll be up working on, obsessed with at all hours of the night
m

 

[jthserra]

Triolet

On a triolet you have one line that basically becomes nearly 40% of the poem, with another line making up 25% of the poem. That puts an intense amount of importance upon those two lines, and while the remainder of the poem is important, you need to make sure these lines have impact.


alpha why

orange pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed
monarchs drift on south winds blowing
orange pastel skies are glowing
distance from summer and darkness is growing
the first of autumn's blue asters have bloomed
orange pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed


Your dominant line is: "orange pastel skies are glowing"
I'd like to see a stronger line here... something in an active tense (are = a form of "to be" = passive tense).

The glow of orange pastel skies -- though it changes the rhyme scheme in this instance, it is in an active tense. Now while passive tense is used in excellent poetry, I think on such an important line, an active tense adds impact.

So perhaps the first two lines could be...

The glow of orange pastel skies
Consumes the last sunset of summer

of course now you are challenged to find the best rhymes for this. Skies should be easy, but summer... that's a bummer, if you pardon my bad rhyme. I think by just making the lines more active, they become more powerful.

I like the the monarchs drifting on south winds... almost enough to recommend making that the dominant line. Either way, you need to keep that line, even if you have to strech for the rhyme. Even if you have to go for a sight rhyme there.

I think you have an excellent idea working here. I think some restructuring of the basic lines will make for an incredible poem. The thought of orange pastel skies, the last sunset of summer and drifting monarchs is an image that a triolet is made for. Please, please keep working the images, you will create a poem I am already jealous of...


jim

 

[Guest]

I experimented with the triolet form. I failed miserably and I am quite embarrassed by it now. So, at this very moment, my 'wanabe' dirty triolet is in the process of being deleted off Lit.


- neo

 

[The_Fool]

I'm still thinking iambic, but I ain't getting there from here.

Brain Dead Fool

 

[The_Fool]

Maria,

Sorry darling, This may be too major of a departure. I was mostly working the rhythm that I heard.

western pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed
monarchs drift on south winds blowing
western pastel skies are glowing
summer distant, darkness growing
autumn’s first blue asters bloom
western pastel skies are glowing
last sunset of summer consumed.


Fool