Weekend Fitness Partners (closed for SpicySpirit and PB26385)

[SpicySpirit]

After the click of the door knob, it felt as if the rest of the world had disappeared and it was just the two of us. I locked eyes with Paul and kept his gaze as I walked around the bed slowly to meet him where he was standing. For the first time, it felt like we had all the time in the world and I wanted to take advantage of every moment of it.

“So… “ I placed my hands on his chest, my voice soft and playful, leaning in close so my lips just brushed his lightly. A part of me knew we needed to talk, but the desire in my core wanted me to ignore it.

“So…” Paul echoed as I felt his hands find the slope of my lower back, pulling my body in so my hips were pressed against his. I moved my hands to the back of his neck, where my fingers were able to run through the hair at the nape.

I stalled before verbalizing my thoughts, licking my lips and buying time by pressing them to his again. This time my tongue darted to meet his, which eagerly returned my advances.

The air felt thick with the anticipation of this moment we had been building towards with each text, each phone call, and each meeting since that first introduction. While we had shared many intimate moments over the last two weeks that had felt surprisingly effortless and simple, I couldn’t bring myself to not overthink this next step in our relationship.

I had been thinking about this milestone all week knowing we would have tonight alone together. Before Paul, I hadn’t really given this much thought since there wasn’t anyone actively in my life that would have made it a reality to consider.

However, the discussion of my tattoo in Paul’s jacuzzi and Derek’s reactions to my reentering the romantic world again had prompted me to do some research. I didn’t know what to expect and how I might react, but I had wanted to be at least a little prepared. Apparently, “widow virginity” was an actual term and as with any topic related to grief and healing, every person reacts in their own way. I did believe I was ready for this, but I also hadn’t expected to be sobbing in Paul’s bathroom that day.

Part of me had hoped it would be like riding a bike, that just jumping back on would be enough, but deep down I knew it may not be as easy as speeding down a hill on smooth pavement. Deep down I knew there might be potholes and uneven concrete, so I couldn’t just close my eyes and hope for the best. That wasn’t fair to me or to Paul.

I pulled away from the kiss and sat down on the edge of my bed, taking Paul’s hand to pull him down next to me. I placed my head on his shoulder, so I could at least start without having to look directly at him. I kept my fingers intertwined with his as I finally continued after a deep breath.

“So, there was a part of me just wanted to jump right in and ignore all the messy parts of this, but I think it would be irresponsible of me to do that. I know you know I haven’t been with anyone else since…” I didn’t finish the sentence, but also knew I didn’t need to. “I haven’t been on birth control and things have moved so fast that I haven’t gotten around to it. I did pick up some things in case…” I nodded towards my nightstand drawers before finally looking up again.

 

[paulboulder]

I sat with Tracy and listened to her as she spoke with me about, well, the messy details. After her voice trailed off, I looked at her with warmth and said softly:

“I had the same thought and brought condoms. I didn’t want to assume that you were using any kind of birth control in the event of us being totally intimate.”

I reached out to turn her toward me and to touch her face. “I just want you to be at ease – for both of us to be at ease.” I looked down for a moment. “It’s been a very long time for both of us, and I don’t want there to be any pressure that this has to be some magic night physically or anything.”

Touching our foreheads together, I said, “The magic is in our being together and showing each other how we feel about each other. The magic is waking up tomorrow morning next to you. The magic is in holding you and feeling your heartbeat against mine."

Tracy looked at me without speaking, then lightly kissed me.

“Thank you,” she said. “That’s why I am here with you – and only you – tonight. I want to make love with you.”

 

[SpicySpirit]

I opened my mouth to continue, but then thought better of it because I already knew the answer. Paul had been nothing but understanding, supportive, and patient over the last two weeks. If at any point I needed to slow down or was overwhelmed by unexpected emotions, I knew he would take care of me.

Instead of speaking, I leaned in for another kiss, this one full of longing and saying everything so I didn’t need to speak a word. I broke away only for a moment, so that I was able to move from sitting next to Paul to guiding my leg over his thigh so that I was straddling him. I continued to kiss him as I started to unbutton his white dress shirt from the top button down, one button at a time.

 

[paulboulder]

Tracy sat astride me, unbuttoning my shirt slowly as we kissed. I slipped my hands down and ran them around her firm ass, pressing her more against my hips. My cock was already firm and eager against her crotch as we kissed. She took a small break from kissing me to let me pull off first her light sweater and then her thin tank-type shirt, so we could have more skin on skin contact. By now my shirt was almost off.

“You look so beautiful tonight,” I said. “Your hair just glows in this light.”

“Shut up and kiss me, silly,” she laughed. I obliged and began to undo her bra. Soon her soft, full breasts were pressed against my chest as we continued to kiss and grind against each other.

“Maybe we should get a little more comfortable?” I asked. “Lose the shoes…”

“Lose the pants?” she said, interrupting me and smiling.

“I thought you’d never ask,” I answered.

“Maybe you help me take mine off and then I’ll help you take yours off? It looks like yours are a little too small around the crotch…” she joked, letting her hand brush by my fly.

Tracy slid off of me and stood before me. Rather than immediately taking her pants off, I stood up, kissed her, then began to work my way down, kissing and nibbling her neck, her collarbones, her shoulders, all the while running my hands around her breasts. Then I took her right nipple into my mouth and began to gently suck and tease it while sliding my hand down between her legs to stroke her. She slightly parted her legs and sighed as I did so. She began to run her fingers through my hair as I rubbed her crotch and sucked on her breast. I brought those actions to an end, sat down on the bed in front of her, and began to undo her belt and the button of her shiny slacks. Soon her pants were on the floor. She stepped out of them, and I resumed rubbing her crotch and sucking on her breast, now focusing on the left one. She let out another sigh and then asked me to stand again.

 

[SpicySpirit]

I pulled Paul’s open shirt down over his shoulders and tossed it to the floor. Tracing my fingers through his chest hair, I watched the patterns of light dance across his skin. Taking my time, I leaned in for a closed-mouth kiss and then opened my lips, teasing and pulling back to start a trail of kisses down his neck and chest. As I reached his abs I added a light touch of my tongue, with small flicks until my lips reached the top of his pants.

Sliding down to my knees, I glanced up to see his eyes watching me intently as I leisurely slipped his belt out its buckle and unbuttoned his pants. I used the fingers of one hand to unzipper, while my other hand started sliding his pants and underwear down to the floor, eventually freeing his cock to where I could put my hands against his skin.

After he stepped out of his pants, I brushed my fingertips from his ankles up to his hips and then peered up through my lashes.

“That has to feel better,” I urged. Then I took the base of his cock in one hand and cupped his balls in the other as I licked the tip of his phallus.

 

[paulboulder]

“Mmmmm….oh God, Tracy, you….that is so hot…” I could hardly speak. I was so turned on by the whole pace of the evening, then her straddling my legs and grinding, and the slow tease taking off my shirt, and now this – her fondling my shaft and balls and licking the head of my cock. Those three things together are the coup de grace for me every time.

Tracy paused and looked up at me coyly. “A little sensitive, are we?” With that, she ran her tongue around and around the head and frenulum slowly. I was already seeping a little pre-cum, which she lapped up gently.

I touched her face. “You know how much I love that and want you to just take over and gobble me up….” I paused for a second. “And any other time I would just let you go crazy on me…”

Continuing to make my resolve harder and harder to keep, Tracy lightly caressed my balls from below and smiled as I tried to complete a sentence.

“But I want to be inside you when I climax….” I said.

 

[SpicySpirit]

I bit my lip as I pretended to weigh my options, prolonging the moment for a few extra seconds. I brushed my lips and the tip of my tongue around his head one more time before pulling away to stand up. As I stood up, I allowed my breasts to graze Paul's stomach and chest, maintaining my close distance and wrapping my hands around his neck.

"So I trust you, more than I trust me..." I paused as my brain quickly processed how much I needed to actually say. "I mean, I can't remember the last time I used a... " My face felt warm, and I was pretty sure it wasn't from the candles. Then again, I wasn't sure why exactly I was embarrassed that I couldn't remember the last time I used a condom. When you are married to someone for 11 years, it's not something you are doing every day.

 

[paulboulder]

I started to smile. Tracy looked at me hoping I would finish what she was trying to say about using a condom. I didn’t want this to ruin the flow of a very carefully paced evening and mood that we’d crafted together.

“That makes one of us,” I replied, holding back the honest truth.

Tracy lifted an eyebrow…

I smiled and touched her face reassuringly. “I’ve never used a condom in my life.” Tracy’s eyes widened. “Everyone I have ever been with has either been on birth control or used a symptom-thermal app for tracking hormones and their fertility. But for us to be able to be together now, I will, without any hesitation. Being with you is all that matters to me.”

“But maybe you could help me have a little fun putting it on, when the time comes?”

 

[SpicySpirit]

I breathed a sigh of relief. There was nothing like feeling like an amateur at sex in your 40s, even when you clearly were not an amateur.

Paul's hand was still touching my check and I pressed my hand over his hand, eventually intertwining my fingers through his. I proceeded to guide his fingers to my lips, pressing my lips one at a time over each fingertip.

"So..." After kissing his thumb, I collapsed onto the bed, leaning onto my side my head supported by my elbow. I grabbed Paul's hands and pulled him onto the bed next to me.

"You said, 'When the time comes,'" I cocked my head to the side with a small jab to Paul's chest. "What did you have in mind until then..."

 

[paulboulder]

“Well, I have a one-track mind right now…,” I said, pushing Tracy onto her back playfully.

“Hey!” she exclaimed. Before she could get another word out, I crawled on top of her on my hands and knees so I was supporting myself over her and began to kiss her.

“…And my one track mind…(kissing her again)…wants to enjoy…(kissing her again)…every inch…(kissing her again, deeply)…of your sexy body…”

I moved my lips and tongue from her mouth to her neck and from there to her breasts, which I sampled for a moment before continuing to move downward.

“I like where this track is headed,” Tracy said, running her fingers teasingly through my hair, and starting to push my head gently downward. Yes, the train was on its way to the station….

“Choo-choo,” I responded, making Tracy snort in laughter.

I crawled down to where I was between her thighs, looking up at her through her parted legs with a wicked grin. Then I began to slowly inch my way towards her already moist and shining outer lips. I blew air on them and watched her shiver. She raised herself up and reached down with her hands, lacing her fingers in my hair again and beckoning me up towards her expectant and cleanly shaved pussy.

I reached out with my tongue to her clit – just a single touch, then another, then another, then another with a little teasing flick back and forth, then another with a teasing flick up and down….

I lowered my head to where I was only a fraction of an inch above her button and breathed warm air down on to it. Then, gently using my hands to spread her lips wide, I lowered my mouth onto her clit and held it still, just letting the warmth of my mouth envelope it. Tracy’s fingers began to hold my head more firmly. I began to suck on her clit and move my tongue around as I did so. Now her hands began to tug on my head in rhythm with my sucking and tongue swirling.

I slid my mouth down lower until it was over her vagina opening and gently poked my tongue inside, watching to see how Tracy reacted. I didn’t have to wait long.

“Mmmm yes…Paul…oh…” she said.

Replacing my tongue with my index finger, I moved my mouth back up to her clit and began to suck and lick it while thrusting my finger in and out of her very wet slot. Her hands seized my head firmly now, pulling me harder against her as I increased my pace of sucking, licking, and thrusting. The train was coming into the station very soon.

Tracy wrapped her legs around my upper back and pulled my body into hers hard while clutching my head and rhythmically rocking. She started to moan and hum in time with her rocking and my licking.

With a loud groan I felt her body tense and shake. I just kept right on doing what I was doing as her pussy became very wet and her hands began to relax their clenching on my head. She continued to rock in time as her moans became softer and turned into sighs. Her hands began to stroke my hair.

I looked up at her. She smiled a satisfied warm smile back at me, and just sighed again and closed her eyes in contentment. Sweat on her brow, yes, but no tears tonight. Good.

 

[SpicySpirit]

I took a deep breath and was bracing myself for tears, but none came. Instead, I felt a sense of peacefulness and I smiled as I laid back just to bask in this feeling a little longer.

I felt Paul slide up the bed to lay next to me, placing his head on the pillow next to mine. His hard cock brushed against my thigh, as he leaned close to place a hand on my stomach. After a moment of enjoying the warmth of his hand as it caressed my skin, I turned to face him, opening my eyes to meet his. His tender gaze reflected the same warmth as the candles flickering around us.

“I’m ready,” my voice came out a little raw, but it was still candid and inviting. Paul’s hand moved to my cheek, and he leaned in pressing his lips to mine fervently. I could taste a bit of me and him on our lips. Breaking the kiss, I could see the very slight disappointment in his eyes as I pulled away, but then he realized what I was going to do instead.

I had flipped over on my side to reach into my nightstand and pulled out one of the condoms I had purchased earlier in the week from Amazon. I had done some research and found a brand called Skyn that had lots of reviews that backed up its claim that it felt like skin-on-skin. It also was non-latex, as we hadn’t discussed allergies or anything in advance. I sat up and held up black square packet.

“So, I did some research earlier this week,” I felt my cheeks grow a little heated. “But my feelings won’t be hurt if you want to grab what you brought instead. I wasn’t sure if you would have a preference. It seems like men have stronger feelings about condoms than women do.” I didn’t love using condoms myself. It had been so long since I had, but I had remembered it feeling different. Not necessarily bad, just different. This wouldn’t be forever, I could go back on birth control, but I didn’t want to have to wait that long.

As I waited for Paul to make a decision, I was surprised to find fluttering in my stomach and my nerves vibrating.

 

[paulboulder]

"The ones you have sound great. I want it to feel like there's nothing between us," I said. "It's not like I have any experience to draw on."

Tracy looked at me with a warm smile. God, I am falling in love with this woman, I thought.

She opened the wrapper and pulled out the condom. Then, kissing me deeply, she began to pull it on to my cock, which was very hard and eager to receive her touch. Soon it was on and snug on my full length.

"So why don't you lie back at first, and let me control how things go for a bit, until I get accustomed to having you inside me," Tracy said. "That will help me better guage how fast we are going."

I rolled on to my back and let her crawl on top of me.

 

[SpicySpirit]

I lifted my leg to straddle Paul’s hips on my knees, placing one above his head and one by his chest. Leaning close, I pressed my wet slit against his rock hard cock, brushing it up and down against my still sensitive clit.

My soft breasts pressed into his hard chest as I brought my lips to his jawline with a small kiss, where I could whisper softly into his ear.

“Are you ready?,” I asked, my voice sounding husky even to my own ears.

I trailed kisses from his ear back to his lips before pulling away just enough to look him in the eyes. His hands had been caressing my lower back and moved to settle firmly on my hips.

“Yes.” Instead of one of his normal puns or one-liners, this time his answer was simple. Pure. Pensive. I stared into his expressive greenish-brown eyes that spoke volumes more than the word that he had breathed.

I reached between my legs and placed my fingers around him and gently placed the tip of his head to my opening. Bringing my hand back to his chest, he moved a hand from my hip to interlace his fingers in mine.

As we locked eyes, I started to slowly sink down savoring each inch as he penetrated me for the first time. Taking a deep breath, I slid all the way down until he was completely inside, filling me entirely. And it was as if we exhaled at the same time, and I felt the vibrations of Paul’s low moan as I felt my walls squeeze around him.

It had been so long since I had experienced this and despite all of my anxieties about how things would feel… It felt. Right.

Lowering my forehead to touch his, I murmured, “You are incredible.”

As I slowly began to slide up and down his length, I bit my lip and sighed. Almost like riding a bike.

 

[paulboulder]

Tracy slid down onto my cock for the first time slowly and steadily.

I felt her snug slippery warmth surround me as I looked into her eyes and held her hand…

Her soft breasts brushed against my chest…

Her long blonde hair fell around my face…

Her sigh as I went all the way in for the first time…

This was the first time I had been with someone other than Natalie in 25 years. We were exclusive for a year before we married, were married for 19 years, and then it had been five years since our divorce. Being with someone new for the first time – and after so long of not being with anyone – was a huge turn on. Being with someone I was falling for – who just felt so right in so many ways - made it even more powerful.

“You are so sexy and beautiful,” I said softly. “To finally hold you and be with you and be inside you…”

We kissed and gazed at each other and smiled and breathed in sync as Tracy began a gentle rocking back and forth on my cock. I ran my hands around her breasts as she sat up, reached up to take a nipple in my mouth, and began to press up with my hips as she rocked back against me.

“Rock forward just a little…yes,” I said, lifting my knees, spreading my legs a bit, and getting my feet flat on the bed so I had better leverage to thrust. “If you’re going to be cowgirl, the least I can do is give you a good horse to ride.”

“Mmm, giddy up, then, bucking bronco…” Tracy said with a dirty grin, moving her lips close to my face to say this. “Yes, Paul…you can pick up the pace…you feel wonderful,” Tracy said. “You doing ok?”

“Mmmhmm,” I said, with a mouth full of nipple.

“Oooh, that had a nice tickle when you hummed with my nipple in your mouth…”

“MMMMMM,” I hummed loudly.

“You don’t have to sing an aria,” Tracy teased, pulling her breast playfully away.

We both laughed and continued to enjoy the feeling of our bodies working together. I guess it was a good thing that the condom slightly desensitized me so I could last longer. She looked so hot and was moving so well on me. We continued for several moments just reveling in the sensations.

“Want to try a different position?” I asked. I thought of asking if she had any favorites, but stopped myself for fear of calling up memories.

Tracy ran her hands around on my chest and said, “Yes. Why don’t we trade places. I want to feel you on top of me.”

She rolled off of me and, laying back on the bed, asked, “Where would you like me to be?”

I climbed over her between her legs, positioned my cock at the lips of her slot, then buried my shaft slowly and steadily up to the hilt as I rocked forward with my hips. Tracy wrapped her legs around my hips and pulled me in as deep as I could go. We established a new rhythm as I plunged in and out, kissing her deeply, my tongue probing her mouth as my cock head did the same to her wetness below.

There was something about this angle that Tracy seemed to enjoy. Her kisses became more fervent and her breathing became deeper. I felt her pull me in more strongly with her legs.

“Paul, I want to feel you explode inside me. Don’t hold back,” she urged.

She ran her fingers through my hair as we kissed and squeezed and thrust in time…then she pushed me back to once again look me in the eyes with that warm, intense, loving gaze.

"Come with me...."

 

[SpicySpirit]

With every thrust of Paul’s hips, I found myself closer and closer to the edge, wanting so badly to cross the finish line. Our faces only inches apart, we almost had one shared breath, breathing in the same rhythm and same timing. We were completely in sync, as Paul’s eyes held mine in a locked gaze that seemed to reach the deepest parts of my soul at the same time his cockhead found the deepest places inside of my core.

"Come with me...."

When he broke the rhythm, to murmur with his deep voice in my ear, I went flying across the finish line and came undone. Time seemed to stand still as I lost all control and shockwaves pulsed through my body. My breathing stopped as I felt my walls pulse uncontrollably around his cock, my hands clutching his back and clinging his body to mine. I wanted to stay in this moment forever.

With a deep gasp, I was finally able to articulate some words.

“Paul… Paul… I am coming - “ The words were cut off by a deep cry of pleasure as I hit my peak. Almost at the same time, I felt Paul tense under my hands and his breathing was interrupted by a low growl of ecstasy. Within seconds, I felt my core become heated from within from his cock throbbing deep inside. Paul’s hand came up to brush the hair from my forehead and then cradle my head with hand as he exploded, meeting me at the finish line.

 

[paulboulder]

Tracy and I climaxed together holding each other tightly and looking into each other’s eyes. It was one of the most intimate moments of my life. We continued to move in sync, gradually slowing, never breaking our gaze, and breathing hard.

Bracing my weight on my forearms and stroking her face with my right hand, I kissed her deeply. Her eyes were a little moist, and so were mine. It had been so long for both of us, and the build up to our first time together had been so perfect.

She smiled at me as I brushed her hair away from her face – it had fallen there in the heat of our movements.

I thought for a long moment as I gazed at her. This was such a beautiful moment – I just wanted to savor it. I kissed her again, this time gently, and continued to just look her in the eyes and caress her face. Yes. It was the right time to say what was on my mind.

“I am falling in love with you, Tracy.” I sealed this statement with another kiss and a gentle stroke of her cheek.

 

[SpicySpirit]

Paul’s words hit me like a ton of bricks. One moment I was in bliss enjoying our first time together and then in the next moment everything shifted. I thought I had prepared myself for any reaction I might have to making love with Paul for the first time, but I had not prepared for any reactions to falling in love.

As he touched my cheek, I swallowed hard and gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. I tried to find words… any words to respond… but after grasping at straws there was nothing. It was as if by him saying those few words, everything that had seemed like a dream the last two weeks came crashing into a new reality.

“Paul…” His name came out, but nothing else followed. I sat up and suddenly felt light-headed, as my stomach tightened. I touched his shoulder for reassurance. I wasn’t sure if it was more for me or more for him.

“I… I just need a moment.” I stood up and walked to the bathroom door, my head feeling fuzzy and my heart threatening to pound out of my chest. I heard him sit up behind me, prepared to follow me in.

“I’m fine,” I held up a hand, looking back at him. “Promise. Just give me a minute.”

Closing the bathroom door, I walked over to the sink, turned on the faucet and splashed cold water onto my face. I tried to swallow again, but instead this time I felt my stomach twist and I rushed over to the toilet hoping the running water covered the sounds so he couldn’t hear when I vomited.

 

[paulboulder]

I sat on the edge of the bed, once again riding the emotional rollercoaster, as Tracy made her way to the bathroom. I heard the water running and her coughing (or more), and after thinking for a moment, I decided to do a little housekeeping. I needed to give her a bit of space anyway, so I got up from the bed, carefully holding the very full condom on, opened the bedroom door, and walked into the kitchen. Hermes ran up to greet me and brushed against my legs as I carefully took the condom off and put it in the trash can under the kitchen sink. It must have been a funny sight to see a grown man juggling removing a condom, trying not to make a mess with it, trying not to get its contents on the floor, himself, the enthusiastic cat, or anywhere else, all at the same time. I took one of the damp dishtowels on the counter and wiped myself clean. Then I walked over to the laundry and threw the towel directly into the washer.

Walking back to the bedroom, I had a pretty good sense that we were done with intimacy for the night and put my underwear back on. Tracy was still in the bathroom, but at least now I wasn’t hearing coughing or retching. I sat on the bed and thought for a bit about what had just happened. We were having a wonderful time making love, but as soon as I mentioned falling in love, Tracy had a very visceral response.

I remembered the grieving process when my parents died, and being particularly fragile emotionally after my mom’s passing, but I had no understanding of losing a spouse. Reading between the lines of what she and Derek had said, it was my thought that Tracy’s husband Will had either been the victim of a horribly violent crime or he had committed suicide. Maybe she had some kind of emotional flashback to that pain? Maybe she suddenly felt guilty about being together? Maybe she’d not really processed our becoming more serious with each other emotionally? Maybe all of the above?

Whatever the case, it was evident what I had said caught her off guard. I wasn’t sorry about sharing how I felt but was sorry to trigger such pain for her in doing so.

At this point, from my own grieving experience, I knew there wasn’t anything I needed to do or say other than just be with her, silently, when she returned to the room. To listen and be present. That or offer to leave.

I heard the bathroom door open, and looked to see how Tracy was doing.

 

[SpicySpirit]

I stood in the frame of the doorway, and sheepishly looked up to Paul as he sat on the end of the bed. After cleaning up, I had opted to put on the maroon satin robe from the back of my bathroom door. I had felt feverish at the beginning of that whole unwelcome emotional attack, but by the end of it, I was freezing.

Without saying a word, I joined Paul at the end of the bed, still not able to meet his eyes.

There were things I wanted to say, but I wasn’t ready to talk… Yet.

Instead, I took his hand and laced my fingers through his and leaned my head against his shoulder, looking down at the floor. He was still here, so I guess I hadn’t ruined things too badly. After several moments of simply sitting in his presence and feeling the warmth of his body against mine, I finally was able to summon a few words.

“I’m sorry.”

That was what I could manage at that moment. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[paulboulder]

Tracy came out of the bathroom wearing a dark satin robe. She avoided eye contact with me by looking downwards towards the floor and wordlessly sat next to me on the end of the bed. She took my left hand in her right and held it tightly. I rubbed my thumb against her fingers as we quietly sat together. As she relaxed a bit more, she leaned against me with her head. I reached over with my right hand so that both of my hands were surrounding hers while resting on my leg. She took a number of big breaths, holding them slightly, then letting go as she leaned into me more and more. I just held her hand in silence. Nothing needed to be said that we couldn’t communicate through holding hands. That was the first way we had touched on that first hike together, and it was still like coming home even now in a hard spot emotionally between us.

After one slow, calmer breath, Tracy finally broke the silence, saying softly, “I’m sorry.”

I looked over at her. Her eyes were down. I gave her hands a long squeeze in return. She raised her head and looked up, finally. I greeted her gaze with as warm a smile as I could. I loosened my left hand from her right but continued to hold her hand with my right hand as I put my left arm gently around her waist. She leaned into me more and rested her head on my shoulder. We sat this way in silence for several more moments, the soft, flickering light from the candles soothing our spirits.

“It’s ok,” I said, slowly and gently after the long pause. “It’s ok, and I’m ok. And we’re ok.”

I heard Tracy let out a long sigh, and she squeezed my hand back.

“I have a long t-shirt and some warmup pants in the bag I brought,” I said. “How about I slip those on and we go have a piece of that cake together? Hermes is pretty anxious to see us.”

Tracy nodded, and smiled, and we stood up. I know she was kind of a mess right now, but she looked beautiful to me in the soft amber light of the candles.

“Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for being with me.”

I opened my arms and she leaned into me for a hug. I slowly eased my arms around her and wrapped her in as best as I could. We stood like that in silence for a good minute, breathing together. Then we let go and I got my shirt and pants on.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Yes,” Tracy replied, and we walked together back into the kitchen.

 

[SpicySpirit]

I gathered a waiting Hermes into my arms and sat down at the dining room table. Paul went to gather the chocolate cake, two glasses of water, and two forks before joining me in the chair next to mine at the table.

I stared at the cake that I had purchased excitedly only hours ago to find my appetite now lacking. Paul put a hand on my knee and I sighed, finally gathering my thoughts as Hermes purred into my lap.

“Paul… I’m sorry… I knew I might react in some way. But I wasn’t expecting to react like… like that. Things have been moving really quickly. I didn’t expect things to move that quickly - and I don’t regret any of it. But this is unchartered territory for me. And... and I know you feel how you feel and you are entitled to that. I don’t want you to feel like I am dismissing you or what you said in any way."

I paused for a moment as I met Paul’s eyes, which were nothing but encouraging and kind. I don’t deserve you, I thought.

“I do want to be in love again, but I want to be honest in saying that Will…”

I swallowed trying to be thoughtful with my words and also trying to stay composed.

“Will. He was my person. It was that once-in-a-lifetime love. And that is… it’s hard to reconcile. When you’ve lost that once… it’s not easy to… And honestly, I didn’t know if it was something I could or even wanted to try to find again.”

Another pause as I tried to sort through all of the emotions that had surfaced in the last hour.

“Apparently sex doesn’t scare me as much as love does. I know the whole cliche - it’s not you, it’s me thing is overdone, but it really is me and not you. You are amazing…” I smiled in emphasis trying to back up my words.

Hermes hopped off my lap, satisfied with his back rub to go find other things to do. And with my hands free, Paul reached over to take one.

“I’m… I’m still damaged... Or I guess more damaged than I thought I was. These two weeks have been the happiest I have been in a long time, but I can’t make any promises that there won’t be other outbursts or times my emotions get in the way… And it might be awhile before I can reciprocate the way you want. I understand if you need an out because this baggage is too heavy. I get it. But I am willing to try, if you can give me time.”

 

[paulboulder]

I held Tracy’s hand and listened to all that she had to say. I kept my mind silent and just took it in. It was hard to do this, as I’d just opened up to her about how I felt, but it was what needed to happen right now. Sit in silence with her, stay open, and be beside her in working through her grief and recovery and the rebirth of her feelings. Everything she was saying was positive about my feelings for her; there wasn’t a question there. It was a matter of taking the time.

After it was clear she was finished, I squeezed her hand with my left hand and looked at her blue, blue eyes, which were glistening a little. I smiled as warmly as I could, and with my other hand I touched her cheek softly. I thought very clearly for a moment. A teaching mantra of mine came clear into focus: it’s not about what you feel need to say, it’s what she needs to hear.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, slowly and firmly. I let that stand for just a minute, and then, biting my lower lip and with a little twinkle in my eyes, I added, “well, I actually only have these clothes and the others in your bedroom, so I’ll need to fix that in a bit….”

Tracy laughed for the first time in many minutes, wiped her eyes a little, and began to relax again against my shoulder.

“But I’ll say it again: I’m not going anywhere,” I said, looking intently at her. “The baggage is easier to manage when you have someone to walk alongside you and help carry it.”

I slid my arm around her waist and held her for quite some time after that. She leaned her head against mine. I could hear and feel her breath catch a few times as we sat there.

I thought for a moment, and then came to the conclusion that I’d said enough. I’d reassured her she had me with her on the journey and she had the time she needed.

“So…I am going to cut into this yummy looking cake now. Share a piece with me?” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“OK,” Tracy said. “Need to go easy, but I will try a bite or two.”

The cake was delicious. We shared a piece, feeding each other bites for fun. Tracy was smiling now, but I could see the emotion of the last hour had really exhausted her. After we’d finished the piece, I put the cake back in the fridge and cleared away the dishes.

Tracy walked up, hugged me warmly, reached up to give me a light chocolate flavored kiss, and said, taking me by the hand:

“Well, Mr. I’m Not Going Anywhere, I am really feeling sleepy right now, so maybe we could go cuddle up in that nice big bed in the other room? I’d really like that.”

We walked together into the bedroom, blew out most of the candles, and got under the covers together. I lay on my back and Tracy cuddled up next to my right side. I wrapped my arm around her and she nuzzled in. She was asleep within a minute. I held her close and drifted off….