What are you missing in your marriage?

[ppete3]

One of the hardest things about sharing your life with another person is the fact that we continue to change for the rest of our lives. Sometimes we change in ways that bring us closer to our spouse, sometimes the change has the opposite effect.

What do you feel you're missing the most in your marriage?

 

[Thomas_Hardy]

OK I have thought about this a good while since coming to Lit. We all come for a reason after all.

What's the alternative to going with those changes of the other? This happens between any two human beings who have grown close to each other, lovers, family, friends, colleagues..none of us, for better or worse, stay the way we were. All we can do is try to cope, because often in my experience, change does not equate 'growth' here.

Once I put it to me that way, I became more tolerant of my wife, and me, changing. It's not the constancy that can hold us together, but the commitment to continue going through life together in spite of those changes. Yes this means we do not always, or even rarely, get all what we want or thought we could get or should have. That includes sex, and is true of many other things in life too.

There are limits to everything and we also need to watch out for our own integrity, ability to support an other, and ambition to grow with or beyond an other. This may mean that ways can part. What I have learned and come to accept is that parting points are not a given either but - in part - a choice, often at least. I have learned to remind myself that in moments of doubt, I am free to choose commitment and there is little else that can form the basis of a long connection. Call it love if you must, without the frills of courtship and seduction.

I say all this as an atheist. And I have that same perspective in respect to life in general. Every day, we must choose to live. One gets used to that after a while and it's not that hard from there. Is what I tell myself when I do my press-ups each morning. There is no reason whatsover to do No. 20 after one has done No. 19. And in many ways, life in that second would be better if I chose to stop.

I always do No. 20 though..

 

[Oldhorndawg]

One of the hardest things about sharing your life with another person is the fact that we continue to change for the rest of our lives. Sometimes we change in ways that bring us closer to our spouse, sometimes the change has the opposite effect.

What do you feel you're missing the most in your marriage?

Sex. I love my bride of 40 years, but life, nature, childbirth etc has robbed her of her once voracious sex appetite and has left me still as horny as I ever was. At 65, I still wake most mornings with a rampant erection. I have to wank several times a week to see me sane. I'm not lacking love or tenderness or companionship or anything. Just good quality sex.

 

[Prairie_witch]

Been with my husband for 26 years. I feel that I cannot honestly be my full sexual self with him, without hurting his feelings or being judged. It's a very lonely place to be.

 

[SensualEnergy70]

Married almost 25 years my wife has given up on any sex or intimacy. I can’t even get her to touch my back or hand as we pass in the house. She doesn’t cheat but I would be fine if she did. She is a good woman and I like our life together but sexually our desires and needs are miles apart.

 

[Melodi24]

For me it's responsibility and doing what needs to be done for your family. He would say sex and that is something I want but when you act like a shit husband and take care of yourself and friends first, kind of makes me not want be with you that way or any way sometimes

 

[SensualEnergy70]

For me it's responsibility and doing what needs to be done for your family. He would say sex and that is something I want but when you act like a shit husband and take care of yourself and friends first, kind of makes me not want be with you that way or any way sometimes

I am sorry for you. I’ve never understood men who don’t make sure their homes wives and families are not first.

 

[cadman7777]

Been with my second wife 4 years now.......she's just not passionate and doesn't care abut expressing herself sexually and I don't feel I can either......when I make the attempt it's shut down immediately......She's 13 year younger

 

[Mtnmike]

Married almost 25 years my wife has given up on any sex or intimacy. I can’t even get her to touch my back or hand as we pass in the house. She doesn’t cheat but I would be fine if she did. She is a good woman and I like our life together but sexually our desires and needs are miles apart.

So sorry brother I know the feeling, been married 39 year's and no sex or intimacy for the last 17

 

[curvyjae]

Emotional Safety. Common views on how to treat people. A proper balance of masculinity and femininity.

 

[Mtnmike]

Been with my husband for 26 years. I feel that I cannot honestly be my full sexual self with him, without hurting his feelings or being judged. It's a very lonely place to be.

I'm so sorry for you, I've been in the same boat for 39 year's and it sucks no pun intended

 

[cadman7777]

Been with my husband for 26 years. I feel that I cannot honestly be my full sexual self with him, without hurting his feelings or being judged. It's a very lonely place to be.

I get this

 

[Annabelle1990]

I've been married 13 years and have been in a relationship with his boyfriend (they are bi) for three. I have two boys - likely one from each although we agreed when Mark (hubby) and I decided to have children that our children would be his. I love both men dearly and they love each other, but I do miss the simplicity of just being Mark's wife.

 

[Midnight_Voyager26]

Been with my husband for 26 years. I feel that I cannot honestly be my full sexual self with him, without hurting his feelings or being judged. It's a very lonely place to be.

I think this is a common reason for a lot of us too.

 

[Carson19820]

I am a paycheck, plain and simple. We do go out and eat, go to flea markets, antique stores... but as far as intimacy it's an inconvenience to her. I'm sure I have some blame for it, I just don't know what I did and when.

One thing, she was brought up in a "sex is for procreating and nothing else" household.

 

[DravenCrow13]

Married 26 yrs more like roommates no playfulness always initiating everything

 

[Cdp1979]

I've been married 13 years and have been in a relationship with his boyfriend (they are bi) for three. I have two boys - likely one from each although we agreed when Mark (hubby) and I decided to have children that our children would be his. I love both men dearly and they love each other, but I do miss the simplicity of just being Mark's wife.

That is a powerful thing to share and open up on - i wish you all the best x

 

[Annabelle1990]

That is a powerful thing to share and open up on - i wish you all the best x

My problem is that my ideal man would have elements of Mark and elements of Joe.

 

[Cdp1979]

My problem is that my ideal man would have elements of Mark and elements of Joe.

I can imagine that. Which becomes an impossible paradox of a situation always leaving you with a sense of longing for that which cannot be fulfilled.

Is it possible to reframe the situation or yearnings?

 

[Annabelle1990]

I can imagine that. Which becomes an impossible paradox of a situation always leaving you with a sense of longing for that which cannot be fulfilled.

Is it possible to reframe the situation or yearnings?

It is possible that mine is a good problem to have.

 

[pumper71]

More of the right time to fuck. We fuck frequently but really need the time when we want it rather than fucking when we can. The issue comes about because we are busy doing jobs we love.

 

[BlondeWifeKaitlin]

Enough time together. We both love our jobs but our schedules can be brutal and often don't line up in ways that allow us to spend as much quality time as we'd like around each other.

 

[Peony77]

Been with my husband for 26 years. I feel that I cannot honestly be my full sexual self with him, without hurting his feelings or being judged. It's a very lonely place to be.

Same!!!

 

[Justaguy6022]

30-some years of marriage have been great, but for the typical reasons there's been no sex for the last eight or more years.

Everything else is perfect, I just really need sex.

It's a damn shame, I have married friends that still have sex, but they need lil' blue pills to do it. Here I am still able to get hard with no medication, but I have nowhere to go with it

 

[WriterJane321]

I can relate to many people's experience here.

Out of our 'newly married' era, moved places, lots of hardship just to get situated, finally some peace and quiet. But I'm not used to that. It's hard to let go of the battle-axe, and settle for the wooden ladle;
From racing towards stressful deadlines to baking yummy cookies;
From navigating the minefield of office politics to living the mundanity of everyday life;
From being the grounding force in your team to hardly being seen at home.

It's been isolating. Humbling.

I've often questioned my worth in the absence of turmoil. Will the world value a woman who just exists? I've worked long and hard to make something, to be of value, to have a positive impact. And now, I'm researching fibre-rich recipes for weeknight dinners. It's a very strange experience to have your entire existence revolve around one person, their happiness, joy, fear - impacts your life.

I miss the connection and hunger. The unfiltered desire.
Work stress is the big factor. He is putting on weight, doesn't feel attractive, and that gets him down.
Going to the gym has helped reverse some of that. Not completely hopeless, for sure.

Since I stay at home, sex happens on his schedule. Naturally. I wish that weren't the case, but i can grudgingly come to terms with it. Though I feel super smug when I make him cum fast and hard on the living room couch just with my mouth and fingers, when it is not reciprocated - I feel gross and used. Like all I am is a sex-bot that cooks and cleans.

So the main thing I miss is the connection. That I am treated as a person, not just a thing of convenience.

I have talked to him about this and we are working on it. I know I have my own issues and hang-ups as well.
Growth is hard.

That's one of the reasons I wanted to start writing - personal stories, experiences, fiction, fanfiction - anything creative, anything that will help me enjoy this phase of peaceful life, instead of longing for a chaotic, toxic past. And if I find that peace within myself, maybe I can be of more constructive help to him? and others?

For all the doom and gloom, I am hopeful. Of making my own circle of friends and connections (that are not his friends!), finding my footing, hobbies, interests, maybe retaining the nicer parts of my chaotic, toxic past.
Wish me luck! (I wanted to end on a positive note )