What to do?

[Fallenfromgrace]

This is the problem in a nutshell (as far as I can tell). The father is a complete ass-wipe and tells the kids amazingly horrible things about her (and some things I'm sure she wouldn't want me to share here). He lives with his parents and his mother hates her (even called her names while she was there, right in front of the kids). It's a horrible situation and there's absolutely nothing she can do. He refuses to be involved at all and undermines everything she tries to do. Trust me, she is an amazing mother who spends almost every moment trying to help them adjust. He's a dickless wonder who uses every excuse to not see them (some are too shocking to be believed), then spoils them shamelessly for the time he has them.

He would completely refuse any type of counseling, and even balked at the kids getting counseling, despite some pretty extreme symptoms. I agree with you that her SO should stay away from the kids for now. It's just too much instability. I can't offer any advice except to say keep trying baby. You're doing your best and it is helping. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

Christ...as if she isnt under enough stress *sigh* im sorry to hear that your ex is making it even more difficult for you Kiten i can't offer anything on that part, but it sounds like he's less immature than your son- perhaps even your youngest (who is how old i don't know...but you get my point). Regardless, you are being the bigger better person and at the end of the day you can only do what you can- and it sounds to me like you are doing your all, and i have no doubt your kids love you and respect you for holding the fort.

like i said, if you ever need

and for Des too, must feel heartbreaking to not be able to do anything *hugs*

 

[Guest]

My heart goes out to him, and to you Kiten. It sounds like you are trying to do all the right things against enormous push back from an ass-hole, mother clinging ex-. I wish I had more advice to add, but I haven't.

All I can tell you are kids are resilient and respond to love. Mine struggled against enormous things, and still does, but is turning out fine. He's a loving boy beginning to make his way as a young adult. Yours will do well too, but only after much worry and incredible love from you.

 

[kiten69]

Wow...all I can say is thank you...everybody the information here has really given me alot to think about!

I'm going to try my best to answer the questions that have been asked...



Selena ~ Thank you for the link...the subject he is struggling the most in is Math, reading(comprehension only), social studies(this one is the one he's not turning anything in for).

glynndah ~ I've had several conferences with his teacher and I give him similar quizes and tests here at home for practice. She is a great teacher and has done all the new classes that focus on the "newer" styles of learning...she does her best to accomodate each child and their style of learning. She really is amazing and ever so caring.

Huckleman2000 ~ As Des said there is no coming to an agreement with my ex...he could care less...he has them 6 days out of a month(sometimes more...most times less) so when he has them he doesn't see the issues I see here...he finds it easier to turn a blind eye to the subject. And counseling...HELL...he says he doesn't have the time.

jomar ~ He is being set up for an eval. with the school psychologist to determine if he does have a learning disability or if this is just a result of the issues that are going on in his life right now. He has a psychiatrist who he sees on average of 2 times a month, she put him on medication for ADD but it only made his behavior and lack of concentration worse...so now we are trying to figure out where to go...we are thinking a neuro eval. since he was born 3 months premature to check his brain and make sure all is well there. He aslo sees the school counselor 2 times a week...and the teacher talks with him once a week...I'm very well informed of what goes on while he is in school.

sophia jane ~ He is pulling Cs and Ds on tests...his other work ranges from a few 100% to 23%...with the 100 being few and far between. I praise him for the As...Bs...and even the Cs. But he knows that Ds and Fs are not acceptable grades...I don't get down on him for his grades...but we do discuss it and he does know what he needs to do...he just doesn't want to do it.

jakebarnes06 ~ I have both of my children enrolled in a "support" group outside of school. The sessions will be starting again next month. The only time I discuss my ex is if I it is late at night when they are in bed and I'm on the phone with my SO...or they are preoccupied and WAY out of earshot (outside playing)...I am well aware of the damage that will be done if I "trash" their dad in front of them. New person in my life...Yes...are my kids around that new person...No...I know that is something neither of my boys need right now. As for my time on the computer vs. time with them...they are never neglected for time...they have a set schedule that they follow every day with regards to homework...freetime...bathtime and so on. The only reason my ex and I argue over custody is because he doesn't take them like he is supposed to...broken promises...missed appointments...and he thinks the kids don't notice.

The_Darkness ~ The school has be very supportive in trying to find ways to help him...he is a bright kid and he knows alot of the information he needs...he just lacks the desire to apply himself. His teacher says he stays "zoned"...constantly has something in his hands...which she thinks is the result of him being a kinesthetic learner (she lets him have a stress ball at certain times of the day and says that seems to help him focus a little more). I don't think it is that he is bored...just with all that is going on I think he is overwhelmed and just doesn't care.

Fallen ~ Great ideas thank you...with my oldest it is not spelling or understanding written words...it is comprehension. That boy can read books that are 5th grade level(he loves to read)...but if you ask him to put into his own words what he just read about forget it...he can't give it back to you to save his soul. Anytime I ask him why his grades are low I get the same answer "I don't know". We also talk about the divorce, me and both of my kids, we have books and stories about the subject...my oldest even has a workbook that he has started that gets him to write/draw his feelings out. He has also started keeping a journal...but I've not looked in that book...he asked me not to.

Des ~ You know more about this subject than anyone. Even though you aren't here physically, you are always just a thought away. You've been a great support for me through this whole mess so never think for one second that you are helpless, I lean on you more than you know.

Again thanks to everybody...as Tom said you guys RAWK!!!

 

[jomar]

Sounds like you're doing everything possible. Good luck...

 

[jakebarnes06]

I echo jomar's comment and wish you the best.

 

[kiten69]

Sounds like you're doing everything possible. Good luck...

Well that is what everyone keeps saying...but the thing that keeps picking at me is this...

if I'm doing everything possible WHY isn't he getting better?

Just frustrating is all...but thank you

 

[angelicminx]

Well since I've talked with many people outside of my R/L friends, professionals I mean, psychiatrist...school counselors...the teacher. I've not found anything that is helping this situation as of yet, so I figured I'd give it a shot here and see if anyone has had similar experiences.

My oldest son is in 3rd grade and has been struggling all year with his grades. He is a very bright child, has received straight As since Kindergarten, but now seems to lack the motivation to do his work. Just last week I got a note saying that his last 2 subjects now have low grades, and he's not turning in ANY work in one of the other subjects. :frustrated smilie:

He does his homework here, so that is not the issue, it is schooltime. We drill the stuff he needs to know for tests, I help him study until I am comfortable that he knows what is necessary to get an A on those tests. However, to my disappointment and confussion when he takes the tests it is like his mind goes blank or something because he pulls Cs and Ds ?!

Now I've noticed that his self esteem is falling, he is constantly saying how stupid he is, and that he is a failure. It is breaking my heart to watch him struggle and not be able to do a damn thing to help.

Any advice would be greatly appriciated.

I have not read the full thread as yet, but I did get far enough by skimming to see that you are going through a divorce and are somewhat 'scattered'. From my experience with my own daughter, I'd say this is part of the problem.

My initial response was it sounds like he's needing some attention that he thinks he's not going to get unless he 'fails' or expresses that he's 'stupid'. I'm far from an expert, I've just had the experience myself and that was the conclusion I came to. With the exception of math, which she has always struggled with.

With the conclusion of my court nightmare, my daughter stopped turning in her homework. Since I only get to see her 5 hours, one day a week, there's not much I can do to help. The teachers at her school, however, have set up a reward program for her. When she turns in her homework for the week, she gets some small thing, like a free small coke at a fast food place. At the same time, when she misses me she can go talk to one of her teachers for a few minutes, get a hug and have her thoughts heard.

I'm sure you'll have plenty of helpful suggestions in the AH, Kiten. Good luck, and hug your son tight.