What would you do?

[Epheme]

I don't know what her situation is. You said she was worried about adopting in case she got worse. Maybe foster? See where the road takes her. Best to you both.

 

[Jada59]

I never wanted kids, partially because of that. And I never planned for it.

But like... shit happens. Condoms aren't 100% effective. So for your daughter to be pissed about it like... she's here now and she's gotta deal with it. You have to be solution oriented. It doesn't really do any good to postulate on alternate realities where you decided to do things differently. It is what it is.

As far as whether or not she has biological kids, I think ANYONE who has biological kids on purpose is unethical. I've talked about this a lot. Every pregnancy should be a surprise that you worked to prevent. We have enough humans. We're at a stage as a species where we can pick and choose when to bring more humans into the world. As someone who doesn't have a uterus, I can help with this, but at the end of the day it's not going to be up to me to decide, I can only support the person making the decision.

As for adoption... It's not really like... just "I want kids" is NOT a good enough reason to have kids. It should be a, "I want to dedicate my life to helping someone else". Like having kids is a big thing, and I hate the way a lot of people pretend like it's not and get pressured into it. This is a major problem and I've noticed that more people are speaking out on it. Because once you've got that kid you can't send it back. And with adoption, sometimes you're getting somebody who really does not need extra bullshit- you're getting kids who have already been in abusive or neglectful situations. They need somebody who's going to be there. So just make absolutely sure you're ready for that. I don't know what her specific health problems are, but when you have a kid, self care really goes on a back burner. You have to know that and make peace with it. So if it's terminal, it really might not be a good idea to get this kid and put them in a situation where they think they've finally found a stable supportive caregiver- and then die and leave them. One could argue that that would be selfish, that you just wanted a kid.

If it's just a chronic illness, you're probably fine, you'll just hurt a lot. That's what I do. That's a decision only your daughter can make. It's her call. No one can make it for her. Especially not me, I don't even know the severity of her medical issues, if she has a supportive partner to coparent, what her social support system is like, etc. There's a LOT of factors that go into whether or not you're ready for a kid.

Also, only tangentially related, but why can't a kid have six fingers? Like what does that do that would mess them up? Why is that a medical problem instead of just like... a kind of shitty mutant ability? I just ask because when you mentioned it my first thought was "Why was there a surgeon?" Because I'd just let my kid have 6 fingers.

Edit: Also, when you have a chronic hereditary disease, you do get real hyper vigilant about it, or at least I do, because my mental issues could have been fixed at literally any point but every adult just ignored them for some reason, despite me begging them to fix them. So pretty frequently, at least once a week I check in like, "Hey are you seeing/hearing/feeling things that aren't real? Like are you ok?"

Because there is nothing worse than having something legitimately wrong with you, telling the adults in your life who are supposed to take care of you that there's something legitimately wrong with you, and being ignored.

Thanks for all of that! I grew up in a house where my mom would run me to the Dr. for the slightest sniffle which was usually a cold or allergies yet tell me there was nothing wrong when there clearly was. She said there was something wrong with my legs when I was born but she didn't know what the problem was. Only that the Dr. told her to put me into dance. That being said, my mother has always had a lot of issues and telling the truth has always been one.

I always thought it was weird that she told me as a baby, I was allergic to every milk known to man and yet she insisted I drink milk at every meal. I was constantly sick to my stomach. Finally at age 16, the Dr. told her to stop giving me milk. Things got some better but she was still using milk in cooking. I could go on and on here but I won't.

Now she is elderly and clueless about everything, including her medical stuff.

Anyway... I used to think maybe I would adopt. I never really felt the need to have kids as some people do. Did not want to be pregnant and go through all of that. Never thought I would get married either. I did and it was a mistake. But I digress. Once married, I decided to leave it up to the universe as to whether or not I would have kids. Then one time of unprotected sex and I got pregnant. I know that my daughter wanted siblings but childbirth almost killed me so more was not an option. And we had very dysfunctional home so I would not bring more kids into it.

 

[Jada59]

I don't know what her situation is. You said she was worried about adopting in case she got worse. Maybe foster? See where the road takes her. Best to you both.

Thanks!

 

[Jada59]

The decision to bring a child into this world is a very tuff one. With all the advancements that have been made an those that are being worked on now it is hard to say weather to bring a child into this world. You never know, there are not test for everything.
So do you or don't you, this is a question only for the individual and nothing will change that. Your daughter is a love, presses package and unique.

Yes! Thanks!

 

[oneblueye]

hey...

I realize that some of us are older so this wouldn't apply to us now. So it's more of a hypothetical question.

I have a daughter who is an adult. She has many medical problems, some of which run on both sides of the family. I have some similar medical problems as does her dad.

Thing is... I did not know of any of these medical problems before I had her. I did know that I had high BP and allergies and her dad had high cholesterol.

I had her at age 39 so it was considered a high risk pregnancy. We had to go through genetic counseling because of my age. And extra fingers and toes were common on her dad's side of the family. I had a special ultrasound and an an extra finger was discovered. It was not fully formed. No bones in it. A hand surgeon was there for the birth and that was easily taken care of.

I started developing health problems during the pregnancy. Diabetes, thyroid problems, rashes and swelling of my feet and legs.

The genetic counseling did turn up all sorts of medical problems on both sides of the family, including diabetes. I had no clue of this prior! People tend not to talk of their medical problems and we moved out of state when I was 7 so I was rarely in touch with most of my relatives.

More medical problems were diagnosed for me and her dad after the pregnancy, including a bleeding disorder for me at age 59.

So... Now, my daughter is questioning why I had her. She feels that I set her up for a lifetime of problems. I don't even know what to reply to this. She does know that neither of us were aware of most of these problems before she was conceived. I can't really say something like... Had I known of these problems, I would not have had you. That would sound cruel.

Her mindset is that she knows she has problems so she will not reproduce and potentially pass on medical problems to a child. But... She really wants children and is afraid to adopt because she fears she could develop more medical problems and be unable to care for the child. Sadly, her medical problems started for her at a young age.

Sorry for the novel! My question being... Would medical problems affect whether you have children or not? I do feel if I had known of these problems prior, I would not have had a child. But I'm not a psychic! I did not know how this would pan out.

What are your thoughts on this?

I was the product of a HUGE racially mixed family. On my Dad's side of the family ALOT of destructive mental health issues, primarily from drinking and drugs. And on my Mom's side, there heart and blood issues as well as horse thievery.
Fortunately neither of my daughters are horse thieves but the, mental health issues, i.e. alcohol and heroin did play as big a part in their lives as it did mine and my father before me.

If I had a do-over, would have those kids again...? YES

 

[4est_Trump]

You mean look how Luk turned out as a toys r us kid, right?

Obsessive stinky tranny arent you?

 

[notfeasance]

My intuition is it's a highly contextual problem. Was the pregnancy, if there is a pregnancy, planned or unplanned? What is the prognosis, if there is a prognosis? What can reasonably be expected for quality of life, both for the baby and parents (who have to care for the baby)? What is known about what can go wrong?

These are the sorts of questions that would be on my mind. It's hard to say any more, because my answers would probably be colored by my mindset at the time, of being a potential parent.

Yes, give Rob more personal details please.