When Are We Old Enough for BDSM?

[catalina_francisco]

I have noticed a lot of posters saying they have been into BDSM since their early to mid teens and know exactly what they want, how to get it, how to play safe, and what is right for them. With the usual issues of becoming comfortable with oneself, dealing with the rush of unfamiliar hormones, and just trying to find a firm footing in the universe, is it possible to make an informed choice at such a normally tumultuous developmental stage?

I am not talking about experimenting as much as those who have declared they have made a fully informed decision to pursue BDSM as a lifestyle choice, perhaps already committing to someone permanently. When are we old enough to know this choice is right for us, not an opening for others to exploit our life inexperience, and fully aware of the possible impact it could have in our lives in all areas? And why?

Catalina

 

[Shadowsdream]

I have noticed a lot of posters saying they have been into BDSM since their early to mid teens and know exactly what they want, how to get it, how to play safe, and what is right for them. With the usual issues of becoming comfortable with oneself, dealing with the rush of unfamiliar hormones, and just trying to find a firm footing in the universe, is it possible to make an informed choice at such a normally tumultuous developmental stage?

I am not talking about experimenting as much as those who have declared they have made a fully informed decision to pursue BDSM as a lifestyle choice, perhaps already committing to someone permanently. When are we old enough to know this choice is right for us, not an opening for others to exploit our life inexperience, and fully aware of the possible impact it could have in our lives in all areas? And why?

Catalina

Some of us are mature at 12 others at 40..***** experiences know no bounderies...there is no answer that can fit this question. Mistakes can and will be made whether we are 20 or 50 when first pursuing a BDSM encounter or relationship.

you will find just by reading old threads here that age has little to do with maturity and or being ready for BDSM.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: When Are We Old Enough for BDSM?

Some of us are mature at 12 others at 40..***** experiences know no bounderies...there is no answer that can fit this question. Mistakes can and will be made whether we are 20 or 50 when first pursuing a BDSM encounter or relationship.

you will find just by reading old threads here that age has little to do with maturity and or being ready for BDSM.

http://www.logtenberg.info/kinderen/boymath.gif
I agree in part, though I think though some 12 yo's may exude a maturity based on the life they have lived, there is still a gap in fully understanding many life issues, especially those they have not been able to experience simply because of physical and emotional development immaturity. If that is so can they then make a decision as a child from an adult perspective where it could affect their whole life? And if they exuded the maturity due to being forced into early reponsibility or sexual and/or physical abuse, is the choice going to be made because it is right for them, or because of a number of other factors influencing their choices?

Catalina http://www.logtenberg.info/kinderen/david_goliath.gif

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: When Are We Old Enough for BDSM?

http://www.logtenberg.info/kinderen/boymath.gif
I agree in part, though I think though some 12 yo's may exude a maturity based on the life they have lived, there is still a gap in fully understanding many life issues, especially those they have not been able to experience simply because of physical and emotional development immaturity. If that is so can they then make a decision as a child from an adult perspective where it could affect their whole life? And if they exuded the maturity due to being forced into early reponsibility or sexual and/or physical abuse, is the choice going to be made because it is right for them, or because of a number of other factors influencing their choices?

Catalina http://www.logtenberg.info/kinderen/david_goliath.gif

I chose the age 12 simply because it is a number that is personal to My life choices...long story that would hold no value in discussing but short version...I left home when I was 12. My reasons were valid yet of course not a preferance. Soon after I met a man who was 21...wonderful...successful in his job and 100% submissive in his heart and soul. I took all control from him naturally simply because it felt right for both of us.
Today I am 53 and still naturally taking control...loving it as much today as I did all those years ago. he is still living a life of submission, still successful and content.
Do I recommend 12...of course not but that is not what I was implying. Age is an individualized perception and is not easy to identify by the number of years lived.
Still I also say that there is a gap in understanding of many in their 30's and 40's and 50's and on and on and on. Perhaps age and maturity have little to so with each other in some cases?

 

[sensuousgirl]

I was emancipated at the age of 15, meaning that the law, and most others recognized me as a legal adult, capable of making important life decisions, and being held accountable for them. I chose to become involved in this lifestyle at the age of 17, fully aware of the risks I was taking, but knowing full well, without a shadow of a doubt that it was, in fact, what I wanted to do. Of course I have made mistakes along the way, ironically, most of them being in recent years (I am almost 31).

I feel that age, as a number, has very little to do with one's ability to make sound, and good judgements. Maturity, life circumstance and intelligence are more of what is needed to decide whether a decision is something truly right, or wrong.

JMHO

 

[Quint]

I was and am mature in some ways, but mostly untested. Easy to commit myself to thoughts and fantasies. Lacking a sense of my own mortality, having never faced it. Lusting for life NOW, my way, hard and scary and exciting.

God, I hope I can say that in 20 years. When do you guys get too old for BDSM?

Honestly, I can't believe that I'm capable of making a life decision that can't be backed out of. Learning about this was accidental. Pursuing it was natural. Where I go from here will be where I go from here--it's not irrevocable. If I'm not ready, I won't get there.

The factors that I feel I might be immature on are factors that make me immature for pretty much everything, BDSM included but not highlighted. I'll get over them. Experience is a marvelous cure for most faults.

 

[mellian]

iam not sure when is the best time to start getting into bdsm, but i do agree that it really depends on the person and wether they feel that are ready. For others to see a newbie getting in bdsm, i would hope they provide information if the person ask for them, and to ask them questions to find what they are getting into and etc.

as for me, i started to learn about bdsm, mainly the D/s aspect of it, at 16. ever since, i got myself educated in the matter.

-mellian

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, Shadowsdream as I was going to come in and post that some of our most respected and prominent posters, past and present began real life BDSM while in their teens.

As with almost any question asked on this forum, the truest and most correct answer can only be found within. It may take some deep soul searching and a very honest look in the mirror, but most of us know when and when to say "when."

And Q?
As for when we might become to old?
I imagine myself 40 years from now in an old rocking chair, crochetting and wrapping my scooter on the bottom with my cane at every opportunity. On a good day, I may even tie him up in verigated yarn!

 

[sunfox]

I have to agree with Shadowsdream, and say I don't think that there is a specific age at which one is ready for BDSM, any more than there is a specific age at which one is ready for motherhood, serious relationships, marriage, or any other life altering choice you may make in your life.

Every person is different. How I handled decisions at 16 wasn't how my significant other handled them, and we are still very different now, at 27 for myself, and 25 for him. Some people are practically born capable of making informed, intelligent, rational decisions, even at what could be considered a young age. Others will never be capable of it, even at 40-50, or later still.

That's just the nature of the mind.

 

[redelicious]

I would also have to say it's an individualized thing.

I think I was more responsible and independent as a teen due to life's circumstances, and I like to think I was mature. I started having sex at a young age. But, truthfully I wasn't ready for even the most vanilla of sex until I was finishing college. I think some young girls have a hard time not equating sex with love and I fell into that category for a while. Submission at that time in my life would have been unhealthy. I was already of the mindset that I needed to give guys sex to please them and that made me vulnerable. I'd like to think I am unusual in that respect but the more I am around adolescents the more I realize how many other girls go through the same thing.

And then there are those who know exactly who they are from day one, or are at least in a position earlier to start learning.

Fortunately I *discovered* BDSM at a time when I started to develop some self-awareness. Funny how that happens.

 

[bunny bondage]

there's more to being "bdsm" than commitment, dedication, and decisions. when i was a child, i knew that certain things excited me. regardless of the reasons, i am hardwired this way. true, i could choose to ignore these very natural feeling urges, but they would still exist.

as for an age to start practicing, well i'm not a parent so i'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.

 

[esclave_PP]

I would say I was a more mature 18 year old. Definitely due to life's circumstances. I had been reading about it for some time, and my first Master kinda drew me in, we talked about it and then one night he just claimed me. Yes I was young for sure. I guess to answer your question I would say old enough to be aware of what the lifestyle is, whether or not it is full-on committed relationship or just dabble, and what the responsibilities are. So old enough to be responsible for one's actions.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Too old?

When I close My eyes for the last time just to keep the dirt out I hope.

When My body is completely broken and My mind can no longer formulate the will power to rise.

My grandmother lived to be 102...her body broke long before her mind and the day that she could no longer assert a physical power to back up her passion, she stopped dominating. She was well into her 80's at that time.

My grandmother was My first role model in the attitude of Domination and submission.

 

[sunfox]

I hope I'm never too old to enjoy some kink in my everyday life.

I'd be too old to be alive, imo, when that day came. It'd be like losing my sense of humor... I'd be missing a major part of the things that make me into the person I am.

 

[Mr Blonde]

5-10 years from the time you first consider it!

This is my private little theory and it applies to "first times" for anything. This range just seems to fit what has happened in my life. Things don't go well if I do it too soon. And things never click when I wait too long.

 

[lark sparrow]

5-10 years? I wouldn't have learned to ride a bike until I was 8-till a teenager.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I think it is more than what age you can start being responsible for yourself. The other aspect is that the person you are at 16 is NOT the person you will be at 18, or 20, or 22, and so on. Well, unless you are emotionally stunted, but that is a whole other story. My personal viewpoint is that you shouldn't expect too much in the way of serious relationships of any type until your mid 20s. You can date and play, and you really should date and play, for years before settling down to just one thing, or one person.

I remember describing my idea about first times and committing in another thread, and it went something like this: You wouldn't buy the first car you looked at when you were 16 without test driving other cars first. You wouldn't marry someone on a first date. Why would you dive headfirst into a lifestyle before exploring all the options?

 

[incubus_dark]

Johnny's opinion makes sense to me. I think that you're old enough to try it when you're old enough to decide you want to try it and stand by the courage of your convictions whilst taking some measure of responsibility for the outcome. The numeric value is pretty meaningless except at an individual level (and in the eyes of the law of the state in question if we're talking low numbers, when it comes down to it).

 

[Limbhugger]

Well lets see...left home at 15 and moved onto a cattle ranch. No pay, work for a roof and food. True story. At 16 I got a car and a full time job. Up in the morning to work the ranch, off to school, then to work, then home for night feed and chores. Then all weekend working the ranch.

At 18 i joined the military and at 19 was married.

By 21 I had one child and served in a war.

By 30 I had been a leader of men, had seen all the horridness a life of law enforcement (military and civilian) can bring, and stood on four continents.

I've been scud attacked, kicked, punched, but, puked on, shot at, mauled by a dog, trampled by cattle, held death in my hands, walked face to face with a nine foot Alaskan brown bear, been called names you can't even imagine, toured the great pyramids, and ate kimchee from a back alley cart in Korea. In short, I've done a lot and had lots of expriences.

Today I'm the father of two (one a teenager, yikes) and am still married to that same wonderful woman. And we are just beggining the journey.

While I've always been told "you're so mature for your age" I don't think I personally had the right kind of maturity to commit to this life until now. The kind of maturity that has taken a lifetime to develop. Like canyons forged by the river and winds over time.

There's my dibble.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I, too, feel that age is immaterial. Life experience & maturity can only be gained by learning to make decisions, learning from mistakes made & accepting the consequences of our choices be they good or bad. Levels of intelligence & individual circumstances aside, I would expect this process to be well underway by the early teen years.

We should remember that those who respond to questions on this board regarding the age they started are those who have chosen to continue with BDSM. There would be vast numbers of other people who have experimented in their teens and found that it wasn't for them. For these people BDSM was not a life changing or even an important experience, we just won't hear from them here.

Sexual orientation, which is how I view BDSM, is usually known from an early age, therefore I don't find it surprising that for some, experimentation also began at an early age. In fact I find it annoying that I didn't have the opportunity to do the same.

Sexually I am submissive. It is not a choice I deliberately made. I didn't choose "The Lifestyle" as I would perhaps choose a religion or a political party. I am committed to My Master because of who we are and that choice was made on a human level rather than a decision to embrace BDSM as such. It is just us and the things that turn us on happen to have a label.

 

[FungiUg]

I was a late started -- had a huge interest in sex from about the age of 14, but it didn't go beyond just an interest until I lost my virginity at the age of 22. (I think I dropped it under the couch, or perhaps behind the fridge...)

Anyway, that was a fairly "normal" unkinky relationship -- monogamous etc. The wake up call was when my (now ex-) wife left me for another woman.

Suffice to say my heart was broken etc. But it did make me go through a re-evaluation of what I wanted from relationships, life, and sex. And that, by fits and starts, led me to D/s. By which time I was in my early 30s.

So I am amazed at those who know BDSM is for them from the early age of 12 or thereabouts. But for me, it was more a gradual self-learning process that led to it, and that couldn't have happened without a great deal of time and experience.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thanks everyone for the responses. They have been wonderful and interesting on shedding light on this discussion. Perhaps in posting this thread I needed to be more clear, though as in most things the ideas are in my head and I don't always express them as clearly as I could. For me age and maturity are not the same, though have always had an association of sorts in that though some are born with an inbuilt sense of knowing in some instances, often seen as maturity, for that maturity to reach full development there needs to be a number of years life experience added on top. For this reason I did not include maturity, just assuming it be understood. I am also of the thought maturity advances throughout life, hopefully, with views and perspectives changing with the additional information and experience added.

As a child I was always told by adults I was mature beyond my years, and many shared confidences with me and asked my opinion. My children were the same, my son more so with his 2nd grade teacher finding herself in a personal tizz as she said no matter how hard she tried she found herself discussing world famine, pollution, bigotry, the environmant, civil rights, and politics with him regularly because for one thing they were topics he loved and for another, and in her words 'more embarrassing' she actually learned more from him about such issues than most adults. Regardless, in the maturity levels of being able to survive and independently of influences make important life changing decisions it is evident none of us were equipped at a tender age to successfully chose our paths. There were paths we chose, but they were more for other reasons other than freedom of choice devoid of other influences/demands, maturity and a knowing beyond all else they were right for us.

As a child and later a teen, I had always fantasised about D/s themes even before I knew what sex really was. The drive was strong and occupied a good amount of my musing time. Francisco laments we did not meet 10 years ago. Despite these early desires, and the search for me as an individual, I do not believe I had the maturity at any of those 3 life stages to have accepted this lifestyle simply for what it is and what it means to me and my happiness. I may have believed it were so and been exploited in the meantime, or gone for the shock factor, or the taboo closet factor, but to realistically reach the deep commitment of TPE, no limits relationship I have without any other influencing factor I think I needed to go through a lot of life's crap for want of a better term, face multiple challenges, grow as an adult, and feel secure in the knowledge I was in charge of my own life before I could honestly give 100% control of it to another. Just my experience and I know others may have differed IMHO I tend to go with the thought though there is not a magic figure, there is an age when it is hardput for a person to have full knowledge and control of their decisions independent of other influences.

Catalina

 

[angela146]

Let me re-frame the question for a moment: Is the age at which one can make a fully informed decision about BDSM any different from the age at which one can make a fully informed decision about having intercourse?

One could argue that BDSM requires more maturity. On the other hand, one could argue that exploring mild SM might be safer than taking the risk of getting pregnant...

Perhaps part of the answer is, "It depends on how far you're going."

 

[catalina_francisco]

Let me re-frame the question for a moment: Is the age at which one can make a fully informed decision about BDSM any different from the age at which one can make a fully informed decision about having intercourse?

One could argue that BDSM requires more maturity. On the other hand, one could argue that exploring mild SM might be safer than taking the risk of getting pregnant...

Perhaps part of the answer is, "It depends on how far you're going."

That is why I emphasised 'people who were not simply experimenting, but were committing to it as a lifestyle choice on a permanent and serious basis'. I felt there was a difference between experimenting with spanking, flogging, or any number of physical actions involved, and committing on a mental level to a relationship long term and/or permanently which goes beyond casual or exploratory. As in all things, it is not all one or the other, but deep, binding emotional commitment is difficult without some basis of knowledge.

Guess some of it comes back to knowing people who have met as early/mid teens and committed to a vanilla marriage with that partner, lived a happy life, but also in conversation admitted they might not have done the same if they knew then what they know now....those experiences in between while growing often change us as people and what we desire in a realistic sense. If it is exploratory it need not be such a serious issue, but for instance if it is a TPE, no way out relationship, perhaps complete with branding etc., the choices may have a longer lasting effect.

Catalina

 

[angela146]

That is why I emphasised 'people who were not simpky experimenting, but were committing to it as a lifestyle choice on a permanent and serious basis'. I felt there was a difference between experimenting with light spanking or such and committing long term and/or permanently. Catalina

Yes... I'll agree.. making a permanent or at least long-term committment to BDSM might be of a "similar order of magnitude" to getting married, moving in with someone etc.

Whereas experimenting with BDSM (in various forms) is maybe more along the lines of having sex (in various forms).

Making long-term committments is one of those things that marks one as an adult. In most countries, children can't buy houses, get married etc. until they reach a particular age.

On the other hand, it is possible for kids to get pregnant, contract STDs or suffer long-term damage from getting into sex or SM too early.

So, (and I'm sincerely asking this as a question) is there a valid comparison to be made between making a long term committment to the BDSM lifestyle and say... getting married?

If so, if that is a valid comparison, does it make sense for the ages of making those choices to be about the same?