winter contest time travel

[mia_erotica]

I'd love some constructive feedback on my new story for the Winter Holiday contest. I'm planning to expand it into a novella. This story is about time travel, a whore, and Jesus. It's Sci-Fi. It's called Fucking Jesus. (If sex w/ the Lord isn't your thing then please do not read it.)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=450487

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I'd love some constructive feedback on my new story for the Winter Holiday contest. I'm planning to expand it into a novella. This story is about time travel, a whore, and Jesus. It's Sci-Fi. It's called Fucking Jesus. (If sex w/ the Lord isn't your thing then please do not read it.)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=450487

mia, you sure set the bar high for yourself.

Don't worry, literoticans are very religious and often pray as they conjoin, 'Oh God! Oh God! Fuck me harder'.

I'm a bit shocked as I popped in for a quick smutty story and solved the enigma of the Da Vinci Code. Does Dan Brown know about divine contraception?

Serious, I enjoyed your writing and the story, although I didn't think it was (or meant to be) erotic - more the fantasy side - and you have great imagination. Any discussion of Mary Magdalene and Jesus has got to consider prostitution, love and sex. DB's a multimillionaire by exploiting just that.

For me, you got the balance of the story a bit lop-sided. I was waiting for Jude to morph into Jesus and thought you dwelt too much on the intro and not enough on the Galilee scene. That is what your title focusses on, but it seemed a bit rushed.

If you're taking the series forward, I would suggest limiting the topping and tailing sections and concentrating on the time travel section.

Love your use of description, simile and metaphor

His voice penetrated her eardrum like a velvet dildo,

His lips were a powerful vacuum clinging to hers.

Mia thought that this was some sort of British foreplay, both formal and mysterious

His cock entered her cunt like a steam train pushing its way into her dry tunnel creating its own juice to slide towards her womb.

Mr. Remington's cock became a cork to her memories.

His cock felt like a dagger shredding her mucous membrane.

He pulled his cock from its position inside its cunt nest and it dribbled sparkling semen on her dress on its way into her mouth.

Dress or cock into her mouth?

Thanks for sharing.

 

[mia_erotica]

mia, you sure set the bar high for yourself.

Don't worry, literoticans are very religious and often pray as they conjoin, 'Oh God! Oh God! Fuck me harder'.

I'm a bit shocked as I popped in for a quick smutty story and solved the enigma of the Da Vinci Code. Does Dan Brown know about divine contraception?

Serious, I enjoyed your writing and the story, although I didn't think it was (or meant to be) erotic - more the fantasy side - and you have great imagination. Any discussion of Mary Magdalene and Jesus has got to consider prostitution, love and sex. DB's a multimillionaire by exploiting just that.

For me, you got the balance of the story a bit lop-sided. I was waiting for Jude to morph into Jesus and thought you dwelt too much on the intro and not enough on the Galilee scene. That is what your title focusses on, but it seemed a bit rushed.

If you're taking the series forward, I would suggest limiting the topping and tailing sections and concentrating on the time travel section.

Love your use of description, simile and metaphor



Dress or cock into her mouth?

Thanks for sharing.

Thank you Elle.

Thanks for the thoughtful critique. The title was meant to be provocative. I may change it to The Time Lord's Whore. There's more to the story, more time travelling with Mia finding her way back to Jesus and each time finding herself until finally she confronts her fears and her desires and makes a decision to take control of her life- if that makes any sense. The whole thing is in my head, dialogue and all. I'll work on making it more erotic.