Would you like to discuss with me?

[LiterallyLiterate]

Hi all, fairly new writer here. I’ve been reading for years and wanted to try my hand at writing myself.
I have a series in the MC section called Would You Like To?

The reception I have received so far has been above any expectations I had, but I feel like there’s a lot of room for improvement.
English is not my first language, and though I’m confident in my grammar and vocabulary, I’m afraid I might come across as archaic or just plain weird, sometimes.

I would like honest feedback, if any are willing, on any and all aspects of my stories.

That said, I have some more specific questions, some for the MC crowd and some more general about story development, specific scenarios and such.

I will not waste time here on a synopsis of the series, simply because I want feedback from people who have read the stories and thus don’t need it.

First off, what does the MC crowd want? In my fifth chapter (I think), I had a ‘willing’ victim who didn’t need too much manipulation. This got some rather mixed feedback and a somewhat lower score. Is this something you’d rather not see? Is reluctance and subsequent exploitation more to your liking?

Second, and on a more general note, I consciously write all my general text without contractions (I’m/I am, don’t/do not), and use these only for dialogue. Is this ok, do people even notice?

When does a storyline grow stale? My main character is as of yet unattached and shamelessly exploits any and all women he interacts with. Does this grow old fast, or do people enjoy what is essentially the same story told any which way? For now I have kept most of my stories simple, without any larger, underlying plots or storylines, but I’m afraid that without any of this I’ll just be making a bunch of roughly similar one-off stories. Do you, the readers, want some kind of longer plot, one that can develop over time and flit in and out of the shorter storylines?

The main focus of my stories relate to the work/hobby as a photographer and ways to exploit this to catch women. Is there any interest in other stories where my main protagonist instead just uses his powers to gain favors, sexual or not, without the need for a specific photoshoot to frame the action?

Lastly, I’ve been writing on a couple of spin-off storylines that I’m a little unsure how to place. One spin-off follows the two lesbian sisters we meet, detailing their ongoing relationship. This one is clearly in the incest-category, especially since it’s almost completely separate from my main series. Is this something you want to read?


The other spin-off I have been toying with will be a darker theme, delving into bdsm and perhaps reluctance. This is the one that bothers me the most, since I don’t know if it should be an MC story with a bdsm theme, or if I should try to write it as a purely bdsm story without the mind control element. I think I can manage either, though these will come directly in between the main series chapters, like after the end of my latest one, where I ended the story with ‘Would you like to come with me to the basement’ (or something to that effect, I’m on mobile rn and don’t remember the exact phrasing.)

So please, if you have comments to any of the above, or something else about my stories to add, would you like to discuss with me?

 

[HaralLuhhan]

This isn't a category I read. I'm new as well.

You should include a link to your story. Maybe I'm a noob, but I dont see how to get to your stories from the forums

 

[AlinaX]

(From reading bits of Ch. 5)
You write in a measured, formal way and it's mostly a detached voyeurism. The mind control mechanism works in a subtle way, so that it almost doesn't seem like mind control at all.

What is Mind Control all about? It's about making people do what isn't natural for them to do, but without coercive threats or physical violence.

Why is it erotic? A variety of reasons, but mainly because there is eroticism in having the power to control others, and there is eroticism in someone else having power over you, i.e., in becoming the slut you never would be in real life.

It's not enough to just describe what happens. Your mind controller must revel in the power they have and delight in twisting others to their own whims, and the victim must be caught between confusion, denial and pleasure. ("Why am I doing this? I shouldn’t be doing this! This is do good...")

And sure, chuck in some family members, because that deepens the confusion, denial and, inevitably, pleasure...

 

[LiterallyLiterate]

Thanks for the replies, I’ve added a link now, didn’t think about that, but it makes sense.

As for your comments AlinaX, I like the idea of adding some more overt power play, though from a first person view, I’d have to add some more of ‘my own’ thoughts and conjecture.

I might try experimenting with a shifting pov, give some insights into the victim’s inner dialogue or something, I’ll keep it in mind.

For now, it’s been mostly about the first person and the current victim(s), but I think I can see some ways to add layers to that.

I have the next couple of chapters quite close to done, at least the first drafts are done, but I can perhaps add some minor twists to them.
An idea that I got when reading the comment was for a planned chapter I’m about to start writing, where the main character goes on an extended train ride. Perhaps he will be joined by a couple in his closed compartment, then set one of them up to start seducing the other and watch the ensuing chaos and drama.

‘Would you like to start feeling your girlfriend up when she comes back?’ Or something to that effect?

I leaned back in my seat, pretending to sleep. With one eye closed only halfway, I could watch the window’s reflection for when Jackie returned to her suddenly amorous boyfriend. She returned a few minutes later with some snacks and drinks for their extended trip.
I could see John getting handsy right away, his hands gliding up her arm and towards her breasts, trying to grab her. She silently brushed him off, giving him a stern look and a meaningful nod in my direction. John, however would not be discouraged so easily.
What’s gotten into you? Jackie hissed as he started sliding his hand up her thigh, exposing more and more of her legs as her skirt bunched up. He’s sitting RIGHT THERE! That last had been delivered with a frantic note of embarrassment.

Sssh, he soothed her, It’ll be fine, he told me he’d be sleeping for a bit, he even snored a little. C’mon, just let me have a little fun, you’ll like it!

Gah! You’re impossible, this is so out of character for you! Fine, you can fool around, but just a little, and only outside!

Jackie’s legs parted a tiny bit, and his hand slid up between her legs. Mmm, that does feel nice, though, it’s just so unlike you. What brought this on?

I gleefully watched as her mouth opened a fraction in a silent gasp, her nipples slowly denting her tight blouse.



John! She hissed, I said only on the outside! What are you doing? She writhed in her seat, fighting him a little but not really trying to get away from his groping fingers.



Jackie stiffened and moaned softly as his fingers apparently got past her first line of defense.

Aaah! Oh my! That’s cheating! I haven’t even shaved.

Still feels good though, doesn’t it, John murmured as he kissed her neck and worked his fingers farther past her panties.



You’re so bad! Her whisper had a breathy quality now, and her legs slid farther apart as she gave in to his determined assault. Oooh, right there! Yesss! If he wakes up and catches us, I’m gonna kill you before I jump out of the window in shame!



I turned my chuckle into a quite convincing snore and closed my eye to listen to their not-quite silent battle, enjoying the show as John tore into her dignity via her groin.’



Just a rough sketch, but something along those lines?

 

[AlinaX]

Could work.

Or: "Jackie, would you like to tease your husband a little by rubbing your clit whenever you think I won’t notice, and making sure your pussy is nice and wet for his cock? And John, would you like to encourage her to do more?"

 

[LiterallyLiterate]

Yeah, that would work as well, though I usually like to phrase the suggestions vaguely. While I have a somewhat mechanistic approach with detailed descriptions, I also want to leave some things up to the readers’ imaginations.

But regardless, I appreciate the feedback and the angle you suggest, I think it can work well within my style with some experimentation.