Writers Loneliness

[Andreas_Kreuz]

I think it is a common occurrence that writing stories (Others themes too, but especially erotic) does not serve to connect with the people around us in real life. I often read in profiles, "I write here, but my spouse couldn't care less". It holds for me too.

To most people around us, writing erotica is cringey; they think all we do is describe porny orgasms and other unspeakable things, while in reality our minds are on grammar, POV, and dangling participles. And the most unspeakable thing that we go on about is verisimilitude.

However, there is this garden in the back of our mind, where we can go at any time. We can meet our characters there and have conversations about their future. But we can only enter this garden alone.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

I can't relate.

One reason that it takes me so long to complete a story is the review process that it undergoes, with my wife and several friends who provide feedback and valuable contributions to each as it is being written.

One or more may cringe at some of the content, but they have always been able to recognize that the stories and my own existence are separate. Some of this may be due to them knowing that I used to get paid to do contract writing, frequently involving topics that I did not advocate for or embrace myself. We sometimes do things that we get paid for which we wouldn't otherwise do, so maybe that made it more acceptable then and now.


"Honey, what are you writing?"

"It's a piece that some guy named BobbyBrandt asked me to write for him about a boy pleasuring his mom while she sits on his lap during a car trip. It's not my cup of tea, but I thought that I would give it a shot for him. Here, take a look."

"Go ahead and print out the pages and I'll look at them after dinner."

 

[Erozetta]

I have to admit that I am less lonely now because of my writing and the friends I've made through my writing than I was five years ago.

This has made it easier for me to connect to people.

Edited to add:

I should also say that I struggle hard to connect to people in real life because I can't always speak and people think I'm being snobby, when I'm really just absolutely fucking terrified.

My writing has never hindered my ability to connect to people in real life. My general weirdness and extreme shyness, however, absolutely does and did.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Yes. A bit. Back when I was into scale modeling (for most of my life) I at least I had a local club to meet with once a month on top of the online friends like I have here. But I also had local contests to go to and socialize at, least 4-5 times a year around the Tampa Bay area. Once in a great while, I would travel interstate for the big ones.
And like Andreas, my wife doesn't care any more about this hobby than that one, but she at least appreciates that it's low-buck and keeps me at home. She knows that I have to be creative or go crazy.
One the other hand, I don't know that I would enjoy meeting with other erotica writers without it feeling ... weird. At least here on the forums, the weirdness is offset by anonymity.

 

[JGittes]

...

I should also say that I struggle hard to connect to people in real life because I can't always speak and people think I'm being snobby, when I'm really just absolutely fucking terrified.

My writing has never hindered my ability to connect to people in real life. My general weirdness and extreme shyness, however, absolutely does and did.

I thought Covid lockdowns were the greatest thing since sliced bread, and that realization set me down the road of seriously looking at introvert vs. extrovert. I always knew I was an introvert, but I assumed the population was equally split between the two. It turns out only about a quarter to a third of the population is introverted, and I am at the extreme end.

Writing is great for me, especially at 3 in the morning after I've walked the dogs, with four hours until my wife gets up and the real day begins.

 

[NotWise]

I've never found anyone in real life that I could talk to about the challenges of writing smut. A few times I've been able to talk to people about writing in general. Then it gets awkward when they ask, "what do you write?" Most stories (at least mine) fall into categories in addition to smut, so I can answer "romance," "sci-fi," "suspense," etc. I just can't point them to the stories.

The problem with writing smut is actually only slightly worse than with other interests. A don't often find people to talk to about gardening or aquarium-keeping without going on line to find them.

 

[Erozetta]

I thought Covid lockdowns were the greatest thing since sliced bread, and that realization set me down the road of seriously looking at introvert vs. extrovert. I always knew I was an introvert, but I assumed the population was equally split between the two. It turns out only about a quarter to a third of the population is introverted, and I am at the extreme end.

Writing is great for me, especially at 3 in the morning after I've walked the dogs, with four hours until my wife gets up and the real day begins.

Same. But with a bit of agoraphobia. That shit validated the fuck out of my dread of leaving my house and being around people.

 

[SimonDoom]

The act of writing itself is a lonely enterprise for me, because I don't share what I do with anyone in the real world. But I think this community is enjoyable. I'd say, on the whole, it's a net positive, especially since the pleasure of writing and publishing so outweighs whatever brief pangs of loneliness I get plucking away at my keyboard writing stories.

 

[SimonDoom]

I thought Covid lockdowns were the greatest thing since sliced bread, and that realization set me down the road of seriously looking at introvert vs. extrovert. I always knew I was an introvert, but I assumed the population was equally split between the two. It turns out only about a quarter to a third of the population is introverted, and I am at the extreme end.

Writing is great for me, especially at 3 in the morning after I've walked the dogs, with four hours until my wife gets up and the real day begins.

I'm a mild introvert, so I wouldn't go that far in my reaction to Covid, but it was obviously a lot easier for me than it was for many. Many young people suffered terribly during the lockdowns. I feel sorry for that generation of high school and college students.

I think it's very helpful to know this about yourself and come to terms with it. The Covid lockdowns were probably illuminating for many people in that respect.

 

[crookedletter]

I'm lucky in that the place I live has a very active and supportive writing community. And also that, while I enjoy writing erotica, it's not all I write. I have writing groups, I take occasional classes, join workshops, I go to writer talks and events. Not necessarily as an erotica writer, but just as a writer. It can be nice, to share this very solo hobby with like-minded, or almost like-minded, people. To feel like I'm a part of something just by scribbling my weird little stories.

It's easier to opt out of social life these days, and when you're an introvert (check), maybe work from home (check), have interests and hobbies that can keep you busy without necessarily engaging directly with other people (check, check, check), it's especially easy to conclude that you're good just plugging away by yourself, writing out your little fantasies or whatever.

But we're a social species. We need to be around each other. It took me awhile, in the post-pandemic, working from home world, to realize I was missing something by not being forced out there to have to talk to people I didn't necessarily want to talk to. But I think it's important for staying relatively sane.

 

[Voboy]

Same. But with a bit of agoraphobia. That shit validated the fuck out of my dread of leaving my house and being around people.

I feel seen. Lol.

I interact with people because I have to. I've practiced enough that I can do it pretty seamlessly. But each and every time, it's a performance and I dread it.

 

[JGittes]

I'm a mild introvert, so I wouldn't go that far in my reaction to Covid, but it was obviously a lot easier for me than it was for many. Many young people suffered terribly during the lockdowns. I feel sorry for that generation of high school and college students.

I think it's very helpful to know this about yourself and come to terms with it. The Covid lockdowns were probably illuminating for many people in that respect.

Our neighbors are extreme extroverts, and they nearly went insane during lockdowns. There were more of them, and they lasted longer here in the UK than in most places in the US. We ended up having twice-a-week Zoom calls with them so they'd have someone to talk to face-to-face (so to speak). We also talked from our respective back gardens, but the fence was in the way.

 

[Erozetta]

I feel seen. Lol.

I interact with people because I have to. I've practiced enough that I can do it pretty seamlessly. But each and every time, it's a performance and I dread it.

Very fucking much so.

 

[CalBishForNow]

I can relate. My significant other knows about this stuff but isn't too interested in it. Other than that?

I have friends and family I see every few weeks (or months or less than that depending on details), I have coworkers I see online but I work from home so I've never even seen most of them in person, I have 2 other hobbies that are largely solitary or involve other people I don't really get to know outside those hobbies, and I write stuff destined for Lit. When I put it like that there isn't exactly anything wrong with my life, but it's kind of sad that the one at the end there takes up so much of my time and creative effort and can't be discussed with any of the rest.

And not to make it weird, but sometimes I feel like I'm left out around here too. I shouldn't overthink this for many reasons and I'm definitely not complaining about it being cliquish or anything juvenile like that, the AH is very friendly and helpful, it's more like I don't even know how to do the "friendly" part of that myself.

To most people around us, writing erotica is cringey; they think all we do is describe porny orgasms and other unspeakable things, while in reality our minds are on grammar, POV, and dangling participles. And the most unspeakable thing that we go on about is verisimilitude.

This is a big part of the problem for me when it comes to talking about my writing in real life. I am, in fact, describing porny orgasms!

My work isn't that unspeakable by the standard of this site (I have a few out-there WIPs, but I have no R/NC or Fetish published so far and only one T/I story out of 37), but still, I can't tell people I'm writing sci-fi or horror or mystery and have a conversation about that and simply be evasive when they ask to see it, I'm writing stories about people whose main character trait is swinging. I've complained about this before in terms of a series I'm bored with but feel obligated to finish and should probably do something about that, but that might be worth starting another thread entirely.

 

[BeechLeaf]

However, there is this garden in the back of our mind, where we can go at any time. We can meet our characters there and have conversations about their future. But we can only enter this garden alone.

I love this idea of a garden. The Secret Garden, Tom's Midnight Garden, The Garden of Live Flowers. We wander there and we meet them. It is difficult to invite anyone else in. Only you know about it, only you have had the dream. And there they are, waiting to talk to you. Writing is a long dream.

 

[SmilingLez]

All of my friends and family know that I write erotic and non-erotic stories and free verse. They have also read my work. I once replied to a similar thread, that being honest with family and friends as to what you write, is similar to coming out as lesbian or gay. It is a freeing experience, after you've identified and realized there's no need to be ashamed of who you are. YMMV

 

[Andreas_Kreuz]

I am, in fact, describing porny orgasms!

Yes, of course we do. But the amount of time I ponder the sex scenes is negligible vs the plotting, structuring, writing, and editing. This I found so hard to explain–that writing erotica is mostly about writing and a lot less. And my own stories don't make me horny.

 

[OddLove]

There's a type of loneliness I've been coming to grips with lately, and I think the reason I've been okay sitting in it is because I have the vibrant and weird world in my mind. I have characters in my erotica that I love and adore. They're my friends and I deeply care about them.

And I think I'm okay with being the only one who gets to visit and talk with them. They're everything I aspire to be, they're kind, loving, romantic, intimate, adventurous, bold, and perfectly flawed. When I'm writing a new story to the series, I feel like I'm growing with them, and we're all in this together.

I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure if I care why anymore, but I'm not willing to share my internal world with people I know. At some point, without even noticing, I just stopped trying. Outside of my private writing, I'm asexual. I don't discuss sex or romance with anybody, and when the 'bros' talk about how hot someone is, or past sexual experiences, I simply sit and listen.

My sexuality feels like a massive piece of who I am, and I'm unable to share it with anybody IRL.

That "Garden" I enter alone is beautiful and full of strange love, and it never feels lonely.

 

[AStrangeDesire]

It's interesting to read about the different approaches and experiences. Especially as someone who didn't grow up 'writing'.

I like the 'secret garden' analogy, since for me, writing is an escape. They're my little worlds, that I get to create and--theoretically--make all the decision in. Even if it sometimes feels like the inmates are running the asylum when I'm heads down and the characters seem take on a life of their own.

I would struggle with it more if my wife wasn't supportive, but she didn't read much of my writing for the first 15+ years or so, and I was definitely worried about showing her more. And I'm grateful that she's been supportive. I also don't need or want anyone else in my personal life to know what I write--or god forbid, read it--anymore than I want my friends to share their sexual fantasies with me. That's some potentially super-cringy stuff

So, I don't think of it as 'Writers loneliness", but as "Solitude".

 

[BeechLeaf]

Not the small amount I've posted here in the last few months, but my main writing - 25 years of building it up, most of it never seen by anyone else. These people are my dear friends, they're as real as anyone I've ever met in the flesh, they're a private pleasure I'm going to take with me to the grave. A garden, a pub, a bench in a wood, a long walk across a moor: I interact with them, I gradually build up their stories, make them ever more real, more important to me. No-one else can experience it, but I'm immensely enriched by knowing them.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Not the small amount I've posted here in the last few months, but my main writing - 25 years of building it up, most of it never seen by anyone else. These people are my dear friends, they're as real as anyone I've ever met in the flesh, they're a private pleasure I'm going to take with me to the grave. A garden, a pub, a bench in a wood, a long walk across a moor: I interact with them, I gradually build up their stories, make them ever more real, more important to me. No-one else can experience it, but I'm immensely enriched by knowing them.

Agree totally. My fictional world is the same, conjuring a mood, an essence. Previous lovers, current fantasies, they all find a place of permanence in my mind.

Comments capture it too - other words are better than mine, in a way, because I've transmitted my intent, which is always gratifying:

by Anonymous user on 09/08/2025
I really like how you write. It’s a trite thing to say maybe.
But there’s a sense of being present within the text that I can’t shake after reading, and I don’t come across writing like that very often.

by mildlyaroused on 12/14/2025
This is a lovely piece of writing. I particularly like both the first mention of Veronica (coupled with the idea that we're often aware and unhappy of time passing, yet comforted by the consistent aspects and routines of that fact), and the meta awareness in the mention of the 750-word format compared to longer projects, which reflects my own perspective on the strange cadence of being a writer...

In all, a beautiful piece that evokes many emotions and much personality in so few words!!

by SomaSlave on 06/05/2026
For some reason, the word that comes to mind when reading this is "calming." It's impressive writing.

 

[anthrodisiac]

One person knows that I write erotica at all, and she was kinda like "cool," and never read anything when I sent her links. But, like a few of you, I've found a community of people who are far more open and interested than anyone I can think of in my real life ever would be. I've found friends who were able to help me with things, who helped me push myself and become a better writer as I shake off six years' worth of rust, and the loss of my previous writing group has been replaced with the people here, and elsewhere, that I've connected with over my writing.

Writing can be lonely, and the first few years I spent writing were primarily in isolation, with maybe one or two people ever having read what I wrote, but it is such a joy to find people with whom to discussion the craft, the characters, the twists and turns, who can help you work through problems and who I can help with theirs. I love giving back to the community and providing my decades of experience to help out those starting out as best I can, because everyone ought to have the opportunity to have people willing to support them and answer their questions.

 

[deathlynx]

At work, I interact with people in bite-sized portions. I see them, I greet them pleasantly, they hand me money, I give them change (if due) and thank them. It's over, it's easy and it's a mask. I'm also a supervisor, so I have to interact with my employees a bit more completely, but even there it's a mask of professionalism.

I'm good with a person, one-on-one, if there is a common connection (shared interest or the like) but small talk or general socialization drains me very quickly. Probably because (without the aforementioned common connection) it means I'm maintaining yet another mask. I studied theater in school. I'm a performer and my life is the performance.

When I'm writing I'm interacting with a scenario and the characters inside of it.

I have written a good many chain stories at this point. Twenty years ago, the AH regularly put them together. Some authors just wanted to write their own little piece(s) of the overall story while others got together and came up with grand story arcs (check out the Laresa series). Lit in general, and AH in particular, allow us to be more open about what we do. Of course, the anonymity inherent in the internet helps with this, as @Rob_Royale mentioned.

 

[PennyThompson]

IRL I'm an introvert who puts on an extrovert mask professionally. People at work are usually surprised if I ever mention that I'm highly introverted.

"But Penny, you're so good at talking to people!"

Thank you, it's a skill that I've trained myself to perform, I'm actually looking at an imaginary point in space about six inches behind your head so that it looks like I'm making eye contact!

I also have friends and relationships IRL, and I love them very much. But nobody in my real life knows about my erotica hobby.

I've made a number of connections on Lit via writing and talking about writing that I consider to be my friends, though we only ever communicate through a veil of anonymity via messages and emails, and I'm very content with that! They visit my garden, and I visit theirs

I'm of the opinion that it's good and healthy to have a variety of hobbies and interests in different spheres, and it's okay for those spheres to be separate and independent of each other.

In the same way that I believe monetizing hobbies kills joy, I think insisting on connecting and integrating all aspects of your life is not necessarily healthy or desirable.