Writing Exercise no. 6: A party from the past

[StillStunned]

Pretty interesting to imagine it. I figured I'd keep the dialogue very simple, since whatever language they'd use would likely be simple and unsuited to conveying complex concepts. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't be able to entertain some more complex thoughts; after all, the human brain barely changed over the last few dozen millennia. They just wouldn't be used to it, so the narration is this jumble of simplistic and slightly more elaborate sentences.

Wait, did I just do a WIWAW for my piece?... Curse you! It's catching on!

I particularly liked the names you chose. It's tempting to call all Stone Age people things like "Ug" and "Bog". These were simple, but still plausible.

 

[TheLobster]

I particularly liked the names you chose. It's tempting to call all Stone Age people things like "Ug" and "Bog". These were simple, but still plausible.

Believe me, I was this close from going on a whole research trip through Wikipedia etc al., to try and figure out what's the linguistic consensus on how the consonants developed and in which order. But thankfully I figured it would be an overkill, and I just trusted JRR Tolkien. After all, he was an English professor who modeled the language of his orcs to be crude and primitive, so I just went with what he wrote. Which basically meant short names based on throaty sounds, most importantly the hard g.

I also figured the common pattern of sex-based name endings (-a and -e for female, consonant for male, -o for both or neuter) had to come from somewhere so why not use it, too? Worked well enough, I'll say

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Have the product of my lunch break. I'd need to put a lot more effort in on the vocab, and flesh the drunken scene out more, but this could become a decent story - even on Lit if the guys start some boastful anecdotes.

The word fucked was commonly used in Elizabethan times to describe sex, and wasn't nearly as offensive as god-based swearing. The first confirmed use of it to mean 'in a terrible situation' isn't for a while, but I figure it would have been used metaphorically before ending up in writing.

Why yes, you say 'party' and I think 'people getting together to play board games'...


Kit looked round the low-ceilinged pub, avoiding the guttering lantern hanging from a central dark oak beam. In a dim corner he spotted his friends, already throwing the dice. He supposed they were friends, though Frizer, currently losing coins, was more of a secret colleague. A mere acquaintance, should he ever be pushed to clarify their connexion. Nicholas was a mate, for sure, and Robert a close confidante.

"Ah, sweet Kit! You deign to join us in these nefarious depths of Deptford!" Nick swung his goblet high, the short man already clearly in his cups.

"Not so loud," Bob Poley groaned. "Do you yearn so much to piss off the local men?"

"Surely, if these are demonic depths of the country, I'm the man to plough them?" Kit thrust velvet-covered hips forward, hammering home the point. Nick and Bob laughed, Frizer groaned.

"Aye, cut your prating, thou foul knave! Sit, and let us pair for the gammon boards."

Taking his seat on a wooden stool, Kit rolled in his turn to assign pairings. Bob and Nick set up one backgammon board, he and Frizer the other. As if noting Kit's dissatisfaction with his partner, Bob called for more ale. A gallon pitcher was brought.

"Ha! A fair win! A gammon win!" Kit called for Frizer to pay over his debt. The man shoved two coppers and a small silver coin towards Marlowe, with bad grace.

"Be you willing to purchase the next round?" Kit asked Frizer, rubbing it in.

"Ah, call for it yourself, now you be in profit!" Nick was still concentrating, trying to avoid his own loss to Poley.

"Wench! More ale! And a gill of aqua vitae, to sooth our poor Scotch friend," Kit called aloud. He was warm and feeling the first few pints, so had no wish to stand before the bar himself.

The barmaid grumbled, but brought two jugs. Frizer downed most of the contents of the small one, to Poley's objections. "Thou art as rough a ruffian as is that whisky." Awaiting Nick's loss, Poley exchanged information into Kit's ear.

"Ah. Good Bess will be pleased," was all Kit said. After more whispers, Kit agreed, "Aye, I will."

"Ooh, the shine in our Queen's eye, be you now?" Frizer jibed. "I'd heard your charms were aimed in quite different directions, and I don't mean Holland..."

"Soft!" Nick requested peace. "Let us try the cards. Sant?"

Two turns of the glass later, Marlowe was up a few coins. The flagon of fortified malmsey was empty, as was one of sack. "I must away," Poley said, always a man of business. "Let us settle the reckoning." He belched. "Frizer, pass us those coins."

"Ah, a reckoning? Kit can reckon for us all." Frizer leaned over the table. "For so it is ordained."

"What?" Nick stood, swaying and confused, as Frizer's knife sank into Kit's chest. "Who has ordered this? Sweet Kit?"

Poley paled. "God's bones! Come, Frizer, away with me, lest we all be fucked."

 

[StillStunned]

Are you getting literary on us?! I take it this is about Christopher Marlowe.

Edit: Duh, I just noticed you refer to him as Marlowe a few times.

 

[StillStunned]

Believe me, I was this close from going on a whole research trip through Wikipedia etc al., to try and figure out what's the linguistic consensus on how the consonants developed and in which order. But thankfully I figured it would be an overkill, and I just trusted JRR Tolkien. After all, he was an English professor who modeled the language of his orcs to be crude and primitive, so I just went with what he wrote. Which basically meant short names based on throaty sounds, most importantly the hard g.

I also figured the common pattern of sex-based name endings (-a and -e for female, consonant for male, -o for both or neuter) had to come from somewhere so why not use it, too? Worked well enough, I'll say

Very good idea. When in doubt, do what Tolkien does.

For my own snippet, I spent far too long researching the Restoration, only to have my idea form as soon as I read about Oak Apple Day.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Are you getting literary on us?! I take it this is about Christopher Marlowe.

Edit: Duh, I just noticed you refer to him as Marlowe a few times.

"It's a clue! It's a blatant clue! Blatant!"

I thought about not giving his surname at all, but figured Forrin Types might not be familiar with Shakespeare's top rival. And you don't get much buildup in 500 words and 45 minutes.

 

[StillStunned]

"It's a clue! It's a blatant clue! Blatant!"

"SS Esperanto! Hope defeats despair! Blatant!"

 

[Kumquatqueen]

t's flat," she said, looking puzzled herself. "But it's also... round."

I understood even less. "Round?"

She made a sign with her hand, joining the thumb with the long finger. It made a round hole. She then put it to her right eye and flicked the wrist to and fro several times. Her fingers moved, and yet they didn't. They stayed around her eye as they moved.

"It goes like this. And it goes fast."

OK, I don't get it. What is the stone?

 

[StillStunned]

OK, I don't get it. What is the stone?

I assumed it was a proto-wheel.

(And very politely refrained from pointing out that wasn't invented until the flourishing of the Mesopotamian cultures, and that the consensus nowadays seems to be that is developed from the pottery wheel.)

 

[Lifestyle66]

I edited this scene to 250 words. It's at the end of a company holiday party, from my story "Trusted Employees On The Job"

***************************************
“The party’s ending, let's have one more dance," Jan said as she took my hand.

At the end of that slow dance, she glanced up at me with a curious smile. Jan reached to my neck, grasping the end of my tie and pulled. My bowtie fell open and she started walking toward the ballroom door, her signal that she now wants to play. In the elevator, Jan pressed the button for the penthouse suites.

"That's not our floor," I said. "We're on the seventh floor," as I reached to press the button.

Stopping my hand, she pulled out a hotel room keycard from over her left breast. "I ran into the V.P., when I went to the lady's room. He suggested we join them for ... a drink?"

Entering the suite, we heard sounds of a leather strap on bare skin followed by a whimper, coming from the master bedroom.

Jan chuckled, saying. "Let's see if we can have some fun."

She stepped out of her heels and removed her gown, tossing it onto the back of the couch. She was now naked, turning toward the master bedroom.

She was wearing panties when we left our room earlier, so I asked, "Where are your panties?"

"Oh, they're in his jacket pocket. I traded them for the keycard, when he took them off me."

"Did he fuck you?" I asked.

"Not yet. That's why we're here!" Jan said. "Let's go see what fun his wife has in store for you."
***************************************

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

I edited this scene to 250 words. It's at the end of a company holiday party, from my story "Trusted Employees On The Job"

***************************************
“The party’s ending, let's have one more dance," Jan said as she took my hand.

At the end of that slow dance, she glanced up at me with a curious smile. Jan reached to my neck, grasping the end of my tie and pulled. My bowtie fell open and she started walking toward the ballroom door, her signal that she now wants to play. In the elevator, Jan pressed the button for the penthouse suites.

"That's not our floor," I said. "We're on the seventh floor," as I reached to press the button.

Stopping my hand, she pulled out a hotel room keycard from over her left breast. "I ran into the V.P., when I went to the lady's room. He suggested we join them for ... a drink?"

Entering the suite, we heard sounds of a leather strap on bare skin followed by a whimper, coming from the master bedroom.

Jan chuckled, saying. "Let's see if we can have some fun."

She stepped out of her heels and removed her gown, tossing it onto the back of the couch. She was now naked, turning toward the master bedroom.

She was wearing panties when we left our room earlier, so I asked, "Where are your panties?"

"Oh, they're in his jacket pocket. I traded them for the keycard, when he took them off me."

"Did he fuck you?" I asked.

"Not yet. That's why we're here!" Jan said. "Let's go see what fun his wife has in store for you."
***************************************

Delicious. My mind is spinning with images and possibilities...

 

[TheLobster]

I assumed it was a proto-wheel.

(And very politely refrained from pointing out that wasn't invented until the flourishing of the Mesopotamian cultures, and that the consensus nowadays seems to be that is developed from the pottery wheel.)

Yup, it was meant to be a wheel, or at least something that rolls downhill. I tried to describe the narrator’s understanding of it, which would not include concepts like rolling or spinning, so it comes off as a little bit of a puzzle for the reader.

 

[StillStunned]

Yup, it was meant to be a wheel, or at least something that rolls downhill. I tried to describe the narrator’s understanding of it, which would not include concepts like rolling or spinning, so it comes off as a little bit of a puzzle for the reader.

That's probably one reason why Dago's invention didn't catch on.

"So what does it do?"
"Well, you could... if you have a cart... or a saddle and a pair of pedals... uhm, perhaps if you need to power your papermill, or... You know what, let me show you how this thing skips across water, you're going to love it!"

 

[StillStunned]

I edited this scene to 250 words. It's at the end of a company holiday party, from my story "Trusted Employees On The Job"

Hot! And I suppose "past" includes "very recent past".

 

[Lifestyle66]

Hot! And I suppose "past" includes "very recent past".

Yeah, the story was from when we met the V.P. at my wife's company Christmas Party about nine years ago.

 

[StillStunned]

Yup, it was meant to be a wheel, or at least something that rolls downhill. I tried to describe the narrator’s understanding of it, which would not include concepts like rolling or spinning, so it comes off as a little bit of a puzzle for the reader.

It's 4am here, but a thought just struck me: this must have been the very first rock'n'roll party! Hahaha, that's hilarious, and I'm not pathetic at all.

 

[Norway_1705]

Beware about names. Akira and Tetsuya like many male Japanese names, ends with the letter A, which in Latin we associated with the feminine (but Japan is too far away).
Dido (or Calypso since Homer to John Denver), of course, is a female even if it ends with an -O; and so are many asian girls like Yoko (?) and Cho from Harry Potter, and then Juno, Callisto, Rosario, Lilo & Stitch.
The only way I find effective is to present each character with explicit feminine or masculine pronouns; unless (for a mystery or detective story) it is preferable that no reader understand whether "Chris" or "Lou" is a male or a female.

 

[StillStunned]

Beware about names. Akira and Tetsuya like many male Japanese names, ends with the letter A, which in Latin we associated with the feminine (but Japan is too far away).
Dido (or Calypso since Homer to John Denver), of course, is a female even if it ends with an -O; and so are many asian girls like Yoko (?) and Cho from Harry Potter, and then Juno, Callisto, Rosario, Lilo & Stitch.
The only way I find effective is to present each character with explicit feminine or masculine pronouns; unless (for a mystery or detective story) it is preferable that no reader understand whether "Chris" or "Lou" is a male or a female.

Very good points.