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Spread the leaves
around the yard
like a woman wed
hand at hem
dangling summer toes
as I carry her to bed,
we two berries
formed on one stem
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I obssessed over this poem last night, whether it should be "she's hand at hem" and "carry her to bed" or as is. Any opinions would be welcomed. Tomorrow is number seven, I want it to be the best of the seven. I'm gonna stay up past my bedtime to make sure.
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It's a really good poem. I love the last two lines especially.
ETA: And I'd lose the pronoun in the second place ("as I carry her..."), and just say "carry her to bed." You don't need the pronoun there, imo, so better to not use it. I'm still confused about how a woman wed is like leaves spread around a yard. I'd put something in there to connect the ideas better (if I'm understanding this poem correctly), like maybe use the word "lace" or something to suggest some aspect of a wedding.
Thanks, Angeline. I'll probably go with both of your suggestions if I ever show anyone else. The last two lines are good because:
"So we grew together,
Like to a double cherry, seeming parted,
But yet an union in partition."
"Two lovely berries moulded on one stem."
I'm jocking Shakey for the last two lines, but the whole thing was like a jumble of that and some songs, summer weather in fall, picking fall berries etc. like a woman wed/she's hand at hem -- is what I want to read in a poem, and the last berry lines were what I think my gf would like in a poem. It's disjointed but that's cuz the title gives the form and I didn't include it.
This is a late poem 7.
...Hanging, however
requires good posture lest one's hems
pool to mud.
Could you explain the hems pooling to mud? interests me.
I really like hem lines, not sure why. Could you explain the hems pooling to mud? interests me. I also really like your 'dispassionate' line, I probably like everything thru 'odd design', then it gets spotty for me. I didn't like 'deconstructionist' though, it's one of those words that has probably sounded dated forever. I do like poems about writing poems, they're notoriously difficult to pull off, alot like songs about writing songs.