March 2024 Poetry Challenge B: Epistles - letters in poetry

[Hotcoffee123]

I love this one. Simplicity and storytelling shown not told. One minor suggestion, and it may be just a peeve thing for me. If you reworked the "followed you around like a lost puppy", a rather overused line, and instead reworked it into something that sounds less familiar? For example, "a pregnant pause" could be made fresher by "a pause awaiting its pregnancy". But I may be nit picking. I really do find this one beautiful for the story it tells.

Thank you for the feedback..I’m a bit new to writing and love your suggestion. I am going to think about this and see what I can come up with. The truth is I did follow him around ..I didn’t want to use like a dog in heat lol which improbably is also over used.

 

[JaySecrets]

I find ending a poem difficult. All the way through there are two internal voices. The art would then be to entwine them, rather than disapear one. I think that’s the missing feeling you’re seeking. Thank you for your feedback.

Usually I try to bring it full circle. It's not uncommon for me to have my closing lines be a rework of my opening lines or the actual lines with a different meaning because of everything in between. I sort of do it on this piece, but it still needed one more line to bring it home. Endings aren't usually a problem for me. They usually flow. This time it just needs something a little more. Just not sure yet what it is.

 

[JaySecrets]

I find ending a poem difficult. All the way through there are two internal voices. The art would then be to entwine them, rather than disapear one. I think that’s the missing feeling you’re seeking. Thank you for your feedback.

So question.... What if I just killed the last 2 lines and ended with "my own found life again"? I think maybe my brain got in the words' way at the ending.

 

[JaySecrets]

The parting call, the farewell fuck.
Then the slow drip of separation.
It was sweet, it hurt. Farewell

Those lines! Raw. Real. Poignant.

 

[Wand3rlust]

P.

Seven months have passed since your appearance in my life.
As unexpected, as surprising as seeing a rose bloom in the snow.
The hold you have on my heart and my soul is unmatched.
My head is filled with thoughts of being with you.

I wish I could tell you completely how I feel.
Oh, I hint at it, and allude to the thoughts in my head.
But it’s never really spoken, never verbalised properly.
My fear of total rejection paralyses me into inaction.

I tell you that I want to see you. To touch you.
I send you messages and pictures and my thoughts and fears.
You listen and respond, and I pour over every message.
Over every possible hidden meaning.

I tread carefully, treating our connection as a delicate fragile flower.
Needing gentle and tender care, space and nurturing, time and love.
I live in hope that you will come to me, allow me in your life.
Until that time, I remain, as always, forever yours from a distance.

W.

 

[Wand3rlust]

Dear Panel of Judge.

I tried to be kind and make you more funny.
However, you resisted my help.
Therefore, I wish you to be covered in honey.
And pelted, from afar, with kelp.

Regards

Wanker of the Week.

 

[Broken_paladin]

P.

Seven months have passed since your appearance in my life.
As unexpected, as surprising as seeing a rose bloom in the snow.
The hold you have on my heart and my soul is unmatched.
My head is filled with thoughts of being with you.

I wish I could tell you completely how I feel.
Oh, I hint at it, and allude to the thoughts in my head.
But it’s never really spoken, never verbalised properly.
My fear of total rejection paralyses me into inaction.

I tell you that I want to see you. To touch you.
I send you messages and pictures and my thoughts and fears.
You listen and respond, and I pour over every message.
Over every possible hidden meaning.

I tread carefully, treating our connection as a delicate fragile flower.
Needing gentle and tender care, space and nurturing, time and love.
I live in hope that you will come to me, allow me in your life.
Until that time, I remain, as always, forever yours from a distance.

W.

good work on both W.

 

[Ashesh9]

Fellow Citizens
Judge well......
Judge carefully....
Elections approach
Out jumps politico lizards'n cockroach....
If U skip polling booth on Election Day
Your Conscience will bitterly reproach!!?
Choose well.....
Choose carefully....
But exercise:
Your Right!!!!
-----ash9

 

[SlowHiker51]

What I can't say

Every time I look into your eyes
I feel my emotions
show through my skin.
I try to hide them
because you think of me
only as a friend.
But this isn't easy,
and I dream every night,
and I cry inside
for what I can't say.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Dear B.

you know, I thought of you
at first, your life out of a box
seemed all you were made of
ever pretty in pink
like you live out of the box
a plastic dream come true
but things changed
from the stove to the stars
and back
in this BroKen world
everyone is looking for you
sharon your moment
but all these years
you never bent
to the bombshell image
and I'm sorry
in this race for destruction
they're giving you
not prize bags
but price tags

Don't give up
the glitter or glam
a role model still
needs some life.

 

[Lyricalli]

To the One Who Left Me Behind


Hey you...

There are days I think about apology
consider if I should feel sorry
for loving you the way I do
with sanctuary and forgiveness
you leaned into
but never really understood

Maybe we opened a door better left locked

I suppose it was silly
to be surprised by all the lies
when I never gave you reason
to hide

It took too long to realize
that it's hard to be honest with someone else
when you're working so hard
to bullshit yourself

You think you've only chased the one
but you've been running after
something all your life
that you'll never find in carefully crafted words
or lurking under fuck-me skirts

Being enough for somebody
is an unsustainable novelty
when you're unable to feel it

And you doubt the value
of anything (or anyone) that's not a fight
trading validation for affection
wrapped in threats and chaos
you don't enjoy but seem to need
seeking it by instinct
puzzled why you keep finding it

All this to say that I see
more now than ever before
and my love isn't diminished
or less fierce
but it has changed shape and texture
just as we have
over all these years

It's not without heartache
and I miss you every day you're away
but I'm okay

Pain is a process
and I've learned to be less afraid

Truth is sometimes I am sorry
for so many things
but never for myself

 

[Lyricalli]

When I came up with this challenge, there were two things I wanted, intended to write, and they were rough sketches in my head. They've both been fighting me. I may get the other one into some sort of order soon, but the month is nearly over, so one of them had to be sacrificed to the thread, ready or not.

I've finally had the chance to read through all of your poems, and with misty eyes, I think all of you who added to this thread.


@JaySecrets, a special thank you to you for adding conversation, commentary, and encouragement here. It was lovely to see that. Also:

I think this ending may be stronger. Sorry you guys are seeing my draft work.

Please don't apologize or worry about posting draft work around here. It's quite nice to see someone working on a piece, asking for feedback, and seeing the changes they've made. My apologies for being quite the absent thread starter when it comes to that. When my mind is a little more clear, I want to take a closer look at your poem; I found it compelling.

 

[JaySecrets]

To the One Who Left Me Behind


Hey you...

There are days I think about apology
consider if I should feel sorry
for loving you the way I do
with sanctuary and forgiveness
you leaned into
but never really understood

Maybe we opened a door better left locked

I suppose it was silly
to be surprised by all the lies
when I never gave you reason
to hide

It took too long to realize
that it's hard to be honest with someone else
when you're working so hard
to bullshit yourself

You think you've only chased the one
but you've been running after
something all your life
that you'll never find in carefully crafted words
or lurking under fuck-me skirts

Being enough for somebody
is an unsustainable novelty
when you're unable to feel it

And you doubt the value
of anything (or anyone) that's not a fight
trading validation for affection
wrapped in threats and chaos
you don't enjoy but seem to need
seeking it by instinct
puzzled why you keep finding it

All this to say that I see
more now than ever before
and my love isn't diminished
or less fierce
but it has changed shape and texture
just as we have
over all these years

It's not without heartache
and I miss you every day you're away
but I'm okay

Pain is a process
and I've learned to be less afraid

Truth is sometimes I am sorry
for so many things
but never for myself

This really is a stunning piece, and the gems of wordplay here are way too many to list. Suffice it to say that your writing takes what could have been, and often is, painfully cliched, and instead made it POP! And I particularly love the use of line and stanza breaks to tell the story so well. I'd actually like to see you play with the breaks a bit more. I suspect you may discover new things in this by simply doing that. Not saying you would ultimately change anything, or that you even should. Just saying that you could use that simple switch to examine new facets of this gem.

 

[BernadetteRochelle]

To Mr. Jones (With all due apologies.)

I watched you fall to Earth
Byronic star, modern-day Prometheus
to darken swiftly on the vine.
Byronic star, modern-day Prometheus

You broke the sky in two
Byronic star, modern-day Prometheus
putting out fire with gasoline.
Byronic star, modern-day Prometheus

You taught me how to sing,
you taught me how to scream,
how to kick like a mule -
I was such a real mean teen

I watched you fall to Earth
Byronic star, modern-day Prometheus
You dared us to care for
the people on the edge
And then you were gone.

 

[Lyricalli]

This really is a stunning piece, and the gems of wordplay here are way too many to list. Suffice it to say that your writing takes what could have been, and often is, painfully cliched, and instead made it POP! And I particularly love the use of line and stanza breaks to tell the story so well. I'd actually like to see you play with the breaks a bit more. I suspect you may discover new things in this by simply doing that. Not saying you would ultimately change anything, or that you even should. Just saying that you could use that simple switch to examine new facets of this gem.

Thank you. It turned into a bit more of a struggle than I anticipated, so it feels drafty to me, and if/when I get back to it, I'll keep your comments in mind. Much appreciated.

 

[Ashesh9]

Letter to myself.....
----‐--------------------------
Today all objectives covered...
All problems got thankfully resolved:
But tomorrow the struggle continues
Incessant warfare renews
As I struggle with my demons
Apples, oranges and lemons ......