2 + 1 = 4?....Some of the Concerns of Additional Partners.

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: Re: 2 + 1 = 4?....Some of the Concerns of Additional Partners.

Poly does keep coming up again and again, doesn't it? I wonder why...

Each time, I say "poly relationships are hard work." This thread is kinda cool because you've uncovered one of the reasons why poly relationships can be stressful and worrying.

Thanks....I think the fantasy is great, but the reality takes a lot more work and stress to survive. On an on/off topic, do you remember the Aussi actor Jack Thompson and his years long before it was more heard of, of very publicly having two women (sisters actually) as his live in partners until one left and the other settled down with him and had his baby? From memory it might have been the advent of baby which was hinted at having broken up the trilogy. He was always very outspoken about their relationship and his demands at international hotels they be provided with a room and bed for 3.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

Can't say I remember the actor, but go him!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Having considered the issues that you bring up, I was very very uncomfortable with the concept of him having a baby with another woman. I could not have coped with the reality.

I can relate Des and it is one that bothers me if we ever go in that direction on a play basis. Playtime is fine and I don't think I will have an issue with it as long as the rules don't change and the primary relationship remains untouched, but things have a habit of happening outside what the best laid plans allow for.

I can't and wouldn't have a baby at my stage of life, he doesn't have any chuildren and is adored by them whereever he goes, and I am aware with his beliefs and sense of responsibility it would not be something he could take lightly or turn a blind eye to and hope would go away, nor would he advocate an abortion. How that would affect me and us would have a lot to do with how he handled it, the person we were involved with, and my ability to bury my own insecurities which I am sure would be challenged.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Can't say I remember the actor, but go him!

Has an extensive career both in our area and some overseas. He was in the Sum of Us with Russell Crowe too which is one of my fave movies for Rus baby....Russell played being gay very well as he does most things he approaches, and those love scenes worked for me. Jack was also in some of Star Wars, Garden of Good and Evil, Breaker Morant etc.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Good fodder to keep us hedonists up all night.

Condoms. Yeah, they can break, but in my experience that's more likely during an insanely hard ass fuck. We tend to play with guys who don't get out very often.

 

[Slut_loves_pain]

wow lol was this thread written for me?

I'm currently in a poly relationship with vanilla husband and father of my son and with Master.
Hokay this is complicated so if you get lost I'm sorry.
Husband does not want more children ever, never, no thanks, he lives with me but we are legally seperated and are not looking at a long term future but are enjoying our relationship.
Master is dying to have a child, wants to have a child with me.
Both are reasonably financially secure and stable.
I am now classified as infertile. I've been trying to get pregnant for 15 months now, and have in the last 3 months had treatment for Stage 1 Cervical Cancer and have been diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have decided to take the step of fertility drugs and have been taking them for 2 weeks, so the clock is now ticking, hopefully towards something good.
Quite frankly its me that wants another child for myself. I can support another child and either father whoever they are is happy to support a child. So theoretically I dont 'care' who the father is.
We are a mutually exclusive poly relationship so there's no protection being used at all, so it could be either of them.
Some days this bothers me, I'm so liberal I shock myself. I should really care, but why?? They're both good guys, they'll both be good dads to this child, and I'm their mum and I'm great so why should I be concerned???
It just doesnt feel quite right because I dont see myself in a 'forever' just mum and dad and the kids relationship with either of these men.
I'm a lesbian at heart, in time my 'forever' relationship will be with a woman.
So...... Lesbian + Infertility + Unsafe sex with two men??????
All I want is a damn daughter damnnit.
Any thoughts????
Cos I have no idea either lol.

 

[SweetDommes]

Looking at this from the Domme perspective, we actually had a scare where I thought I was pregnant with one of our potentials that didn't work out ...

We were open to taking care of the baby, if I had been (which, looking back, I'm very very glad that I wasn't). The sub in question did not want children, did not want to be involved in the life of the potential child at all ... which was actually ok with us, as we had ghosst already, and were looking for another boy (and really didn't want this boy to be involved with us at all, in any way, after getting to know him better ... too bad he didn't show that side of himself until after we started scening/playing with him *sigh*).

With other boys that we have talked to, they have said that they did/did not want to be involved in the lives of any potential children if we didn't work out (we do talk to them about this, because I would like to have a child/children some day). And at this point, we don't have to worry about it, because we only play with our boys - no one else.

And on the flip side - of one of our boys getting someone else pregnant ... not going to happen, because we don't share with anyone but each other.

This is a huge issue, that is life-altering in multiple ways ... but as with anything else, it's mostly a matter of communication.

Miss Karen
Miss Holly

 

[Etoile]

Re: wow lol was this thread written for me?

I'm a lesbian at heart, in time my 'forever' relationship will be with a woman.
So...... Lesbian + Infertility + Unsafe sex with two men??????
All I want is a damn daughter damnnit.
Any thoughts????
Cos I have no idea either lol.

I didn't realize you considered yourself a lesbian. Do you not feel that your relationships with your husband or your Master could be "forever" relationships?

 

[Slut_loves_pain]

well no.

especially since last night after I posted this dh came home and announced he wanted a divorce because he couldnt handle the poly situation anymore.
Which in some ways makes my life simpler and in some way is very very sad. Its been a hard day.
Do I see myself being with a man forever??? NO way. Men have their uses and they are nice company. Being in a loving caring mutual relationship with one of em for life??? Over the last year I've figured out that isnt me.
But its nice while its lasting, I while lesbian cannot sub to a woman so I need a male Master. He's good friend, lover, Dom and potential father, but forever??? no.
I do dream of finding happiness with the perfect woman. I want to wake up next to soft skin and breasts till I die.

 

[h_i_s]

i've not been involved in a threesome ....... yet. However, Master and i have discussed the possibilities, and while we will enjoy the experience eventually, it's a female who will join us. No possibility of pregnancy there, as He has stated that He will not be the one to play with Her. His interest is with watching me as i play with her.
Regardless, were it a male ... slim chance to none of my becoming pregnant ---IUD. As i know there is always a slim risk of pregnancy involved with any form of contraceptives, and in that Master understands that i do not wish to have additional children (have 2 already) i can only guess that i would exercise my 'rights' as a 'pro-choice' slave if need be.
Of course STDs must always be concidered as well, and therefore, they will be guarded against at all times.

¸,ø¤º°sinn0cent1°º¤ø,¸ (proudly owned by, and devoted to INSIDEYOURMIND)

 

[Mr Blonde]

What do Dominants see as their role in this scenario if it happened to them? Would they want things to change? Would they feel trapped? What if another male were involved and the female sub became pregnant? Would it matter to the sub or Dominant whose child it was? Would it harm the primary relationship? How would you deal with these events and more?Has anyone had to deal with these issuaes and care to share? Are there any other situations anyone cares to introduce to discuss here?

Whew, this would be extremely hypothetical...

Let me fast forward my current relationship and assume things progress to cohabitation. At that point, we are beginning to sort out our own family plans (if any). I have zero interest in M-M-F threesomes or "forcing" my submissive to be with another man. I have experience with M-F-F threesomes but they did not appeal to me so much...but if anything, for the sake of this question, we can assume a M-F-F threesome.

I am not interested in having a baby with a woman who I am not in a long term relationship with. But if by accident a woman became pregnant by me from a casual encounter, then she can bring the baby to term and I am legally obligated to pay for support. In that case, I would have visitation with this child and my girlfriend would have to deal with being a part-time step mom for it. Which would probably hurt our primary relationship.

In terms of dealing with such situations, two of my previous girlfriends have terminated unplanned pregnancies. It is not anything to take lightly, there are consequences to such decisions, but in hindsight those decisions were for the best.

Edit: Obviously I have had discussions with my girlfriend about what would happen if she became pregnant right now. These are basic things that are hashed as you move to a more serious relationship.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Bump...

 

[EmpressFi]

This is a concern for us, but we're more concerned about STD's really. Call me naive, crazy..whatever..but honestly..right now I'd feel a blend of jealousy and relief.


Yes, I said relief.

The jealousy isnt what you think, probably. I would be jealous that someone was doing what I wanted to do and couldnt and that is that someone would be giving either or both (depending on freakish timing) of the men I love a child when I cant.

And that, therein, is the relief.

Both Malin and my Master want children or would have loved to have children. And I would love to have children with them (hence the naive part). However, I'm broken. For some reason known only to God or The Fates or whatever cruel force that governs the universe, my fallopian tubes ~ both of them ~ are scarred shut. I've never had ectopic pregnancies, I've never had STD's. No one can tell me why. I was pregnant once, and miscarried at 6 weeks, so at one point, it wasnt impossible...

But it is now.

So, if either Malin or my Master loved someone enough or cared enough to sleep with them and that person got pregnant... I would die inside... from the jealousy of not being the one to do it... of wanting to be the one to do it... of worrying if i'd lose my place in their eyes. But I'd also feel relieved that the one dream I'd love most to give them ~ someone was able to give.

 

[catalina_francisco]

However, I'm broken. For some reason known only to God or The Fates or whatever cruel force that governs the universe, my fallopian tubes ~ both of them ~ are scarred shut. I've never had ectopic pregnancies, I've never had STD's. No one can tell me why. I was pregnant once, and miscarried at 6 weeks, so at one point, it wasnt impossible...

But it is now.

Sorry you have had to go through this pain. I also had the same problem, and also with no explanation for why. I went for a laparoscopy before my first marriage to check out the possibility of my ever having children and was told after the operation that the dye they had put into me had never made it through so my chances were one in a million and probably not even that. I was on the pill in the beginning of our marriage, for other problems, but 9 months into the marriage found myself pregnant anyway. Took me a couple of years to conceive my second child, but it did happen again. The medical world could not explain how I had beat the odds and all I can think of is that I had been going to a Chinese GP who also practiced acupuncture and had a few sessions with him for female related problems and that possibly a side effect had been to somehow improve my odds. I consider myself to have been blessed in that way and wish more people could also have such an unexpected turn of events.

Under the circumstances I can see why you would feel the emotions you expressed. It is sort of a double edged swrd so to speak and it is good you are able to feel you could feel happiness that the men in your life were able to live their dream despite your own desire to be the one who made that possible. It is not easy to put your own feelings aside for another in such circumstances.

Catalina

 

[LadyAria]

If my alpha were to get the girl pregnant we play with, then it is our child conceived when we were all having sex. I would want her to move in with us and raise our child together. I do not believe in abortion. So, I would hope she would not take that option. We would be here for her. It would hurt me for her to be alone in such a beautiful and special time in her life. I think I would have a hard time if she would not let us take care of her.

If I were to get pregnant, then I would be seriously concerned since I have an IUC. I would check to make sure it didn't harm the baby or was a tubal pregnancy and get the device out immediately. Then, I would start preparing for another baby. The offer would be extended to the father of the child just as it would be for a mother to move in with us.

I would love a large family though. My house is always filled with friends, family members and lovers. I can not think of wanting it any other way.

 

[Homburg]

I been snipped. Pregnancies are just not gonna happen without a WHOLE LOTTA WORK on my part. And I really just don't see going through a testicular biopsy any time soon, sooo...

 

[Bandit58]

While we have played together with another woman a few times, Sir has never had intercourse with her so pregnancy would never happen (she told us she was infertile anyway). I have had my tubes tied and am also on the pill so any baby would be a full-on miracle I would never be shared with a male so that part is moot.

If we did take our sharing to include Him having intercourse with others, condoms would definitely be used.

 

[intothewoods]

Yet another reason we wouldn't have sex outside the relationship. Actually, we don't do it know either, but anyway.

We use birth control ourselves, but it would be kind of nuts if I got knocked up right now. Still, much less nuts than him knocking up someone else.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't want children. Ever.

My last relationship was with a sterile man. I was on birth control (Depo) up until that point. It screwed with my emotions so much that I ended up coming off of it, but he was the only man I was having more than incidental sexual contact with. I used condoms with the others.

Now that I'm tentatively putting myself back out there in the BDSM dating world again, I've gotta decide what to do. I hate condoms, really. I detest the way the Depo shot made me feel, but it was the cheapest and most reliable form of chemical birth control because I only had to remember to get it once every three months. I could never remember to take a pill like I'm supposed to. I don't think I could remember to change the damn patch once a week, either. The Mirena IUD is a definite possibility, if I can save up enough money to get one.

I sincerely hope that I'll be able to afford to have a tubal ligation as soon as possible, so it won't be a concern anymore. However, I'm lacking health insurance at the moment. I simply do not want children, and since I always have been and always will be poly, I don't want to have to worry about it.

 

[Netzach]

Is this really a concern more with poly than any other non-marital fucking in the world? The same questions and concerns come up, and you either take the same risks, minimize them, or don't. Hopefully I'd be just as freaked by becoming pregnant period as I would be about becoming pregnant in the course of hot PIV meaningless sex with whoever I felt like it with.

God I love condoms. I haven't a bad word to say about the things. Maybe it's magical thinking on my part, but honestly I think it's the rigor and paranoia of coming into sex post-AIDS and the normalizing of very medical, safe-sex approaches to hot sex with various people that's so far kept me clean and sans-spawn. Also, the fact that my relationships are *structured* in a very open fashion versus how slowly carefully and rarely new people are added to the mix is another consideration.

Being poly doesn't mean fucking the new fuck du jour, and I know people in serial monogamy who are MUCH more freewheeling, with much larger fucking rolodexes, and who are very "whoops oh shit" about their BC.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For me the reason it becomes a more complex problem when in a poly type arrangement of any type than other out or marriage sex resulting in pregnancy is because there is more than one person or couple involved. Simply getting pregnant while having sex with another can go several ways...it can be shared and dealt with together; it can be dealt with without the father ever being involved or knowing (abortion, adoption, or keeping the baby); etc. When it is in a relationship where poly is involved and perhaps it is not the primary female who finds herself pregnant (or does by another male), there are more people's lives and emotions involved and needing consideration, and those decisions can affect far more people than those directly involved, and for a long time. The decision can become very complicated if not all people involved share the same view as to what choices and decisions should be made, and how. It also has the potential to complicate all the lives involved far more than they were, even if in agreement.

It can also add complications to the child's life which would not necessarily be there if they were the child of one couple or a single parent. I also as a parent feel responsible for how my actions and decisions are going to affect my child/children and their life...while poly can be an adult decision of choice, if children are involved it is also only fair to consider how that arrangement is going to affect them as in this situation they would nat have been given a choice...not all children share their parent's choice on many things, including poly, so to not give thought to how it would impact on a child who may not feel comfortable explaining it to people, or be singled out for bullying if it became common knowledge in some way, is my responsibility as their parent to consider before making any decisios which could bring this into their lives. To me it would seem to be far more complicated and stressed than I wish to have my life these days.

Catalina

 

[SweetErika]

Is this really a concern more with poly than any other non-marital fucking in the world? The same questions and concerns come up, and you either take the same risks, minimize them, or don't.

It's more of a concern for us in one area: the possibility of having a child with someone else.

If I got pregnant by another man (like you, I think this is unlikely given how well condoms have always worked for me, plus I WOULD do Plan-B should a condom fail), I'd have to terminate or go through with it knowing my husband wasn't on board with raising another guy's kid. I don't like either of those options at all, but we've agreed to take the risk with the very few other men I choose to get involved with.

I wouldn't be cool with my husband getting another woman pregnant either. If she chose to raise the kid, it'd affect me, our relationship and our finances. It's risky and very scary for me - she'd control whether she's really using another form of birth control, would take the morning after pill if the condom were to break, and to have the kid, if she wanted. However, I'm willing to let him take the risk when I'm comfortable with the situation presented to me, provided he keeps the potential problems in mind and acts carefully (e.g. not hooking up with a needy woman, liar, manipulator, etc.).

If I wasn't married/poly, I wouldn't have the added element of having to choose between two evils if I got pregnant unintentionally by someone I wasn't terribly attached to. A few years ago, I would have said I'd have an abortion in that situation, without question. Now, I don't know...it'd be very hard to give up the possibility of a child I've wanted for a long time since I have fertility issues and that might be my only chance to have one.

Likewise, my husband wouldn't have the added pressure of wondering what would happen with us if his sperm somehow connected with another woman's egg. He'd have the opportunity to raise that child with that other woman full-time, if they wanted. He might have more of a say in the decision if he were single, too (we've always made fertility decisions together).

So, you're right, a lot of it isn't that different, but in our case at least, poly adds another big layer of complexity, so this is something we've thought and talked extensively about.

 

[Netzach]

So basically we're saying that it's wrong to put one's child in a position of awkwardness and social stigma or to make them unhappy.

Cross moving, dating outside your race, or divorcing off the list of things you should consider doing then. No matter how much you want to or need to, they're just too traumatic a way to bring up baby.

People bring up the "dangers inherent" in a certain *kind* of sexuality when they want to marginalize it further.

For the longest time, "you'll get pregnant" was the stick waved at women, period. Post pill even.

I think selfish decision making and bad parenting is that, just that, wherever you find it. It's going to take a different shape depending on circumstances, so yes, those things will *look* a particular way in a poly situation. I don't see an element of "worse" though. You're gambling with more lives than just your own? Well, most people don't exist in a vacuum, I'd say you're often doing that when you fuck.

Parenting as martyrdom is just another selfishness, BTW, I'm the product of that and it doesn't endear or create closeness with me and my mother. She's happy to remind me how she didn't even have sex again till I was seven. That's a horseshit load of deprivation to stick your kid with, do what you want but own what you do. I certainly wasn't *making* her do any of the things she decided to do at that age.

I don't think that the liability for friction heartache and confusion makes my sexuality more dangerous than any other. They all have that in common.

ANY kind of sexuality and ANY kind of relationship is "gee hard work" when you scratch the freaking surface. This is the kind of headache I choose because it has the largest gratification in it and the only one I can accept for myself. Not having this sexuality would be tantamount to not going outside because there are cars that could hit me and lightning that may strike. I have my discussions, have my plans and philosophy, choose people who mesh with it in some way and cross bridges when I *get* to them. Having been raised to start screaming in fear at the mere mention of a bridge, I think this is something approaching sane behavior.

 

[intothewoods]

So basically we're saying that it's wrong to put one's child in a position of awkwardness and social stigma or to make them unhappy.

Cross moving, dating outside your race, or divorcing off the list of things you should consider doing then. No matter how much you want to or need to, they're just too traumatic a way to bring up baby.

People bring up the "dangers inherent" in a certain *kind* of sexuality when they want to marginalize it further.

For the longest time, "you'll get pregnant" was the stick waved at women, period. Post pill even.

I think selfish decision making and bad parenting is that, just that, wherever you find it. It's going to take a different shape depending on circumstances, so yes, those things will *look* a particular way in a poly situation. I don't see an element of "worse" though. You're gambling with more lives than just your own? Well, most people don't exist in a vacuum, I'd say you're often doing that when you fuck.

Parenting as martyrdom is just another selfishness, BTW, I'm the product of that and it doesn't endear or create closeness with me and my mother. She's happy to remind me how she didn't even have sex again till I was seven. That's a horseshit load of deprivation to stick your kid with, do what you want but own what you do. I certainly wasn't *making* her do any of the things she decided to do at that age.

I don't think that the liability for friction heartache and confusion makes my sexuality more dangerous than any other. They all have that in common.

ANY kind of sexuality and ANY kind of relationship is "gee hard work" when you scratch the freaking surface. This is the kind of headache I choose because it has the largest gratification in it and the only one I can accept for myself. Not having this sexuality would be tantamount to not going outside because there are cars that could hit me and lightning that may strike. I have my discussions, have my plans and philosophy, choose people who mesh with it in some way and cross bridges when I *get* to them. Having been raised to start screaming in fear at the mere mention of a bridge, I think this is something approaching sane behavior.

Really good points, Netz. First of all, you certainly can't dangle your decisions over your kid's head and say, see what I did for you? This can be tough in some areas - hell, I feel tempted to say, but I made this from scratch! So, he didn't ask for it, and frankly, he didn't ask to be born. Don't put that shit on your kids.

You can have pretty damn safe sex these days though. If you're having sex with someone with whom you don't want to have a kid, you can do a lot of other things besides intercourse, be on the pill plus use a condom, etc. Go see planne parenthood. There are a lot of bc options.

I suppose the main issue in terms of whether or not to bring a child into this world is not whether you're poly, but whether you've picked a stable and loving partner, and are bringing a child into a stable, loving situation. Frankly, though I have concerns about plenty of poly situations, there are also plenty of selfish parents who treat their kids like shit. In light of that, the poly issue seems less important.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Parenting as martyrdom is just another selfishness, BTW, I'm the product of that and it doesn't endear or create closeness with me and my mother. She's happy to remind me how she didn't even have sex again till I was seven. That's a horseshit load of deprivation to stick your kid with, do what you want but own what you do. I certainly wasn't *making* her do any of the things she decided to do at that age.

Yeah. I have to admit that I had this. My parents split when I was young and my mother often lamented over the things she could have done if she hadn't been 'dumped in a town she hated with 2 kids.' She often said that she wished she never had kids. We both knew she loved us but there was little closeness there most of the time. We both knew that our job was to grow the fuck up and get independent asap. Later we learned she had other reasons for that approach but it was a headfuck when we were young.

Master and I have been monogamous so far but that's likely to change in the future. If he were to get another woman pregnant it would not be a poly or equal counterpart (for want of a better word.) That would be down to her I guess but condoms would be used and he's pretty good at keeping an eye on them rather than bagging up and fucking with gay abandon.

If I were to fall pregnant it'd be highly unlikely as I'm on the pill and would use condoms with another man. I know that I couldn't personally go through with an abortion but I have health problems that would make pregnancy complicated so in all likelihood I wouldn't carry anyway. We would have to own our 'mistake' as Netz put it and raise the child but I wouldn't make financial or parental demands on a casual playpartner. If he wanted to contribute and be involved, that'd be great but I'm not going to set the child support bloodhounds on a casual encounter who used a condom and knew I was on the pill. I think it'd be grossly unfair.