2013 Poem a week comment thread

[Angeline]

Thank you, of course, Angie, but I'm curious why you say that. The poem is, in my opinion, trash. Just me writing something to satisfy the challenge requirement.

I've been preoccupied all year, taking courses in other, or similar, things: film history, creative writing. I've been trying to write fiction the last few weeks. Boy, is that a train wreck.

I might be better for a bit because we're on the poetry segment now. Or I might be worse. Writing for class requirements is not something that often inspires good poetry.

My suggestion is y'all read greenmountaineer and Ange and Tess and bogus and Harry and Desejo, wherever she's gone, for the next several weeks. They all actually do know what they're doing.

Me? I'm cadging for tips in a parking lot.

No sir, no, I did not scuff your fender.

I didn't say I thought it was a perfect poem. I could (but won't) nitpick over where it doesn't seem to work. I do recognize that there are snippets that are decidedly clunky, especially that fifth strophe. I also think that in comparison to some of your other recent offerings, it looks pretty good. Are you wondering where the compliment went?

It does have a distinctive narrative voice. I can imagine that guy ruminating over a drink, analyzing like Hamlet (sorta: forgive my hyperbole) his simultaneous revulsion and gratitude for a woman with whom he has a sexually thrilling but (emotionally? spiritually? intellectually?) empty experience. There are some excellent double meanings ("open," "lie"), phrasings ("to gutter myself"), a really good metaphor ("besmirched"), some line breaks I also like because they support dual meanings. I love the last strophe where the narrator stutters his confusion to end on a whore/Madonna image.

Say, maybe I like it because it made me think of this song, which I love.

Or maybe I've just missed you and am enthusiastic about your poetry overall. But I do think I'm right about what I see in the poem. It worked for me.

We should definitely have a good cry together sometime about the fiction thing.

 

[Angeline]

Mr. Mountaineer your latest poem is, frankly, delightful.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Mr. Mountaineer your latest poem is, frankly, delightful.

Thanks. I must have edited this six ways to Sunday.

 

[HarryHill]

Twenty-One Lines Heading toward Puberty

Spot on, Tzara.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Ange, this is so good............

.........I smile and toast, schmooze
and coast till dear familiar
ghosts drift in beloved consolation
prize.

The cherry on the top of a very tasty poem.

 

[Angeline]

Ange, this is so good............

.........I smile and toast, schmooze
and coast till dear familiar
ghosts drift in beloved consolation
prize.

The cherry on the top of a very tasty poem.

Thank you Tess. I haven't felt quite "on" with my writing for a few days (prolly cause we have a houseful of kids at the moment), but that poem seemed to come effortlessly. (Apparently I'm better at shutting out the sports-a-thon in the next room than I thought lol.)

Also agree with Harry that Tzara's poem is a winner.

Glad to see you back btw.

 

[HarryHill]

Thank you Tess. I haven't felt quite "on" with my writing for a few days (slice)

..
You have consistently been hitting the mark Ms. Angie. In fact both of you are. Was going to post in the challenge today, but after reading the new treats I decided to submit to NPs and save you all my meanderings for another day.
P.S. Did I see a small glimpse of a W.S. influence in your writing recently?

 

[Angeline]

..
You have consistently been hitting the mark Ms. Angie. In fact both of you are. Was going to post in the challenge today, but after reading the new treats I decided to submit to NPs and save you all my meanderings for another day.
P.S. Did I see a small glimpse of a W.S. influence in your writing recently?

Thanks Harry.

Yeah I think there is a little WS influence in there. I've certainly been reading enough of him lately. I definitely like that his poetry is semantically complete and grammatical but wholly metaphorical. I'm trying to move more in that direction in my own writing.

I've been impressed by what you are putting in that thread, too. I love when a group of us writes together like this: I find it very inspiring.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Spot on, Tzara.

I'll second that. Loved the second stanza, in particular, and "boisterous" at the end.

 

[Tzara]

I'll second that. Loved the second stanza, in particular, and "boisterous" at the end.

Thanks gm (and Angie and Harry) for the comments. That poem was written for a class exercise that I originally wasn't too enthused about. Worked out better than I expected.

 

[butters]

when i read the poem thread, it blows me away. seriously. some poets saying 'real' stuff with their writing, not just a case of words arranged prettily on the page. too often i'm left with nothing to say, just doing this --> which is no feedback but when you dudes blow my head that way the words elude me.

harry, there's so much growth in your writing. it gets stronger with every post.

gm, ang, tess, tz - you all offer so much to the reader.

but this one, by bogus, illustrates my resorting to this -->
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=44403037&postcount=147

it has meat, bones, AND a nervous system.

my own inspiration's an empty book of empty pages riffling in the breeze of you lot. but reading you all makes it all painless.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Angeline,

re: "Sundays"

a little bit of Stevens?

Good poem.

 

[Angeline]

Angeline,

re: "Sundays"

a little bit of Stevens?

Good poem.

Thank you.

A little bit of reading his poem Sunday Morning and a little recalling Robert Browning's The Bishop Orders His Tomb. The Stevens poem reminded me of the Browning. They are different stylistically of course but thematically there's a lot of similarity.

 

[butters]

i clicked onto the last page of the 2013 thread and read harry's (he's getting so neat with his styling!) and began scrolling up. the last half of sunday'sII was revealed - and i knew immediately this had to be angeline's writing. scrolled up further and sure enough it was. read the entire piece and love it. the second half feels infinitely more at one with the beauty of creation.

 

[Angeline]

i clicked onto the last page of the 2013 thread and read harry's (he's getting so neat with his styling!) and began scrolling up. the last half of sunday'sII was revealed - and i knew immediately this had to be angeline's writing. scrolled up further and sure enough it was. read the entire piece and love it. the second half feels infinitely more at one with the beauty of creation.

Thanks butters. It was a sort of experiment, that poem. I meant for the two parts to be jarring together: one part discomfiting and the other more comfortable. Not sure why I wanted it that way, just felt right.

I am very impressed with GM's "Holes," which is about a historical event I am not really educated on (WW1), but it's a very moving piece to me and I love that he helped explain it with a musical link in the Poetry in Song thread. Very crafty is that GM.

Actually I am impressed with everyone's efforts here of late. Sometimes on this forum this weird thing happens where everyone is getting bits and pieces of each others' inspiration and everyone benefits from it. I think we are in one of those periods now. I just hope that, for me, it extends to molluscs.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thanks, Angeline, for the mention of "Holes." More importantly, any poem I could write about WWI pales by comparison with "The Green Fields of France" I posted in the "Poetry in Song" thread.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Shortcuts to Sanity

Tess2's recent submission, is remarkable for how much it says in so few words.

"By way of explaining
the map and pattern of damage
on her bare arms
she told them bravely
that to feel pain was better
than to feel nothing,"

If that doesn't hit the reader over the head with this woman's pain, I can't imagine what would.

The contrast of that with medical students completely missing the point creates such a tension that's almost unbearable in its imagery.

To be honest, I experienced that first hand in my career once as an observer, but the craft of the writing speaks for itself, particularly when "purple void and "corrugated sleeves" are added.

 

[butters]

Thanks, Angeline, for the mention of "Holes." More importantly, any poem I could write about WWI pales by comparison with "The Green Fields of France" I posted in the "Poetry in Song" thread.

There's little to be gained, imo, from comparing ourselves to other poets renowned for writing specific to certain eras/events. Owen's writing makes me deeply sad, deeply uncomfortable, and glad for that considering the topic of his writing.

your own most often chase my own words away, so caught up am i in what you're making me see and feel.

Tess2's recent submission, is remarkable for how much it says in so few words.

"By way of explaining
the map and pattern of damage
on her bare arms
she told them bravely
that to feel pain was better
than to feel nothing,"

If that doesn't hit the reader over the head with this woman's pain, I can't imagine what would.

The contrast of that with medical students completely missing the point creates such a tension that's almost unbearable in its imagery.

To be honest, I experienced that first hand in my career once as an observer, but the craft of the writing speaks for itself, particularly when "purple void and "corrugated sleeves" are added.

you've expressed my own reactions to this one of Tess' eloquently. all i can add is 'ditto'. . . and that the phrase 'corrugated sleeves' is vivid, awful, tactile and absolutely new to my eyes.

 

[greenmountaineer]

.......you've expressed my own reactions to this one of Tess' eloquently. all i can add is 'ditto'. . . and that the phrase 'corrugated sleeves' is vivid, awful, tactile and absolutely new to my eyes.

I hope I don't embarass her, but I'd like to add my earlier mention of "purple void." It's not often that just two words, one right after the other, pack such a powerful wallop (at least for me). In "purple" I saw the physical abuse; in "void" I saw the pain in the mind the medical students didn't see or at least didn't see the way it should have been seen.

 

[Angeline]

I hope I don't embarass her, but I'd like to add my earlier mention of "purple void." It's not often that just two words, one right after the other, pack such a powerful wallop (at least for me). In "purple" I saw the physical abuse; in "void" I saw the pain in the mind the medical students didn't see or at least didn't see the way it should have been seen.

I agree about this poem. It's quietly spectacular. I had to read it a few times to let it sink in. I liked your comment about the tension between the woman's intimate revelation and the students' indifference to it. Those are two distinct things but one follows the other seamlessly in the poem. And I had not considered the impact of "purple void" the way you explained it, but it makes perfect sense. (I'd got the bruise association, but not void as an example of indifference.) Thanks for sharing that. It helped me understand better.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

You guys! Thank you all.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Origami

I spoke of swans......

......... Maybe
I am really a paper airplane.

Nice one poetry girl! Love the title/poem combo.

 

[HarryHill]

Nice one poetry girl! Love the title/poem combo.

Loved it Angie, it wrinkled me
..
Then you came right back with 'Mistah Morton' "..a fashion faux-pas curls his hair... ...and even plain girls pretty." I'm punch drunk. You two are knocking me out.

Tzara. 'Marital Arts Movie' I see your creel stays rather full. Enjoyed it a lot.


*Sigh* I'm falling behind.

 

[Angeline]

Nice one poetry girl! Love the title/poem combo.

Loved it Angie, it wrinkled me
..
Then you came right back with 'Mistah Morton' "..a fashion faux-pas curls his hair... ...and even plain girls pretty." I'm punch drunk. You two are knocking me out.

Tzara. 'Marital Arts Movie' I see your creel stays rather full. Enjoyed it a lot.


*Sigh* I'm falling behind.

Thanks Tess and Harry. It was originally written about five years ago. It's submitted here under the title "Unfolded." I always liked it but felt I had overdone it so this is an attempt to pare it down.

I'm thrilled by what you're all putting in that thread: everyone is inspiring me.

 

[Angeline]

Woah! I just read Mistah Morton. Tess, you know how to make me smile. That's right in my wheelhouse! I love how you wove all the info into it and the ending is wonderful. I haven't written a jazz poem in a while, but yours makes me want to: Jazz Mollusks, anyone?