2024 Poetry Challenge Discussion Thread

[JaySecrets]

Alec

I still think of you
with your black hair in ringlets,
skin like dark honey, velvet
brown eyes, generous smile
and oh lord the way you moved,
sinuous, palms beating rhythm,
deft, long-fingered hands almost
a blur on those conga drums.

I just meant to have you,
slide my hands on you,
cup your ass and wrap myself
around you so we could rock
that wild samba, pounding together,
in a hot sea of lust.

I put myself in your line of vision,
shook back my hair, cocked my hip
just so you could appreciate
my long waist and thighs, outlined
in low-slung jeans. Of course
you did.

We ended up in a study
in that old country house, far
from the party two floors below
and we fucked like animals in heat,
which we were, few words but moans,
gasps, sighs, rolling
on a Persian rug, the funk of sweat
and sex, the distant beat of music.

Did I see you again? Maybe once
or twice, but we just smiled
in passing. Sometimes it's best
to keep things simple.

From my perspective, Please do not change anything about this. That last line does not feel cooled down. It feels like contained heat. The smile I see in the context of what you wrote before is not a just hi there. How are you doing... It is far more seductive. It is far more secretive and there's far more heat to it. You want more but you know it ruins the memory of the heat before and it needs to be kept simple. There is nothing about that ending that is not perfect. In fact, that's my favorite part of it.

 

[JaySecrets]

Oh one more thing about that soul part of the poem, I knew I was about to do a palindrome spin around within it to create this... for lack of better term feeling of spinning, And I needed the contrast of the tripping and the clumsy thought and the struggle that trips into that.

 

[AlinaX]

These sheets still pulse, still whimper, still
move at memories of trembles.

I really wish 'tremories' was a word.

These sheets still pulse,
still whimper,
still memble with tremories

 

[vagrantx]

I really wish 'tremories' was a word.

This cunt is fanged!

I can't stop swapping fanged with fung in my head now.

Just to play with this a little:

I like the imagery but I miss my cadence the final 4 lines are lovely!

 

[AlinaX]

I can't stop swapping fanged with fung in my head now.

Ew, lol.

I like the imagery but I miss my cadence the final 4 lines are lovely!

It wasn't intended as a rewrite, but I was itching to mix up the images you provoked.

 

[JaySecrets]

I really wish 'tremories' was a word.

These sheets still pulse,
still whimper,
still memble with tremories

I once listened to an interview with one of my favorite poets and he was asked how he heard these lines and got these lines he was using that were just so offbeat but so perfect... His answer was that he intentionally misheard things. When he was out and about he would intentionally hear things wrong because hearing things wrong gave him great ideas of great lines.

That's what your comment here makes me think of. It's funny. But it's also brilliant.

 

[JaySecrets]

F

I remember
those honeyed words you wrote
Those pictures you sent
Especially the one of you in the white shirt

"Just to seduce you my dear" you said
and it did
lead me down a path I had no intention of going
Lead me down the path of lust and desire
For someone I could never have

I held you at bay for a long time
Trying not to fall
It seems you will always be a part of me
(remember the joke about the tattoo?)

Now, in calmer moments
I realise all we ever had were words
and even they were lies

I hope you are happy now
with the one you were meant to find
The one that's right for you.

S

I genuinely do like this piece, I'm a bit conflicted on it as well. To a certain degree, to a large degree even, the simplicity of language in it works well. On the other hand, it seems to have too many of what I call flat words. Words like the, and, it, to... The words that don't carry a lot of weight and are merely transition words. I'm generally not a fan of heavy use of those. Use them because they're part of the English language and I must, but they are the enemy. Maybe try to rework some of the lines and make them more fluid? Or would that mess with the simplicity of flow that you want on the piece? I don't know. Like I said, I really do like what you wrote... It just feels like it can use something. And I don't know quite what that something is.

 

[JaySecrets]

Who says the next Bard won't be discovered on LE. Make your own words. Your own rules. Tremories is lovely and henceforth (ooo I put it that a sentence) a part of my vocabulary.

/

Absolutely. Somebody needs to give Webster's and the Scrabble dictionary a call. We have found a new word! So evocative too.

bed's a'quaking
velvet and satin
'tis pink and red and scarlet

deeper she plead
and deeper she went
to lands where there be dragons

a life well lived
yet twilight settles
passion like embers flicker

Now this one really is the perfect kind of simplicity, with a hidden twist of depth to. Absolutely! Well done.

 

[JaySecrets]

Just to play with this a little:

deeper she falls
into velvet pink
into satin red
into scarlet yearning
into darkness
into the unknown and undiscovered
where the only signs that show the way
read
Here Be Dragons!

One of the most interesting and helpful exercises that I learned to do in the writing groups that I've been part of is to take pieces that were already written and rephrase them or rework them. One of my favorite assignments that I assigned in a writer's group I led was to take the same poem and I had a list of 8 or 10 different forms that were short poem forms... And the assignment was to take at least five of those forms and use the same poem and rework it to those different forms. Initially the guys that took the assignment on hated it until they realized what they were creating.

 

[JaySecrets]

I can't stop swapping fanged with fung in my head now.


I like the imagery but I miss my cadence the final 4 lines are lovely!

Fung it! That cunt fanged me!

 

[Angeline]

The tripping nature of the soul to soul to soul part of it is very intentional... Remember that at that point you're inside the narrator's mind and he's struggling with the memory even as he embraces it. It needed that moment of internal struggle and clumsiness. Too smooth and it comes across as contrived instead of genuine. And I really don't like to take something like I imagined at the beginning. I do get where you're coming from in you're not being sure about the. How did you put it? Anthromorphic sheets? But again, this is written from inside the narrator's mind, so everything takes on a life of its own. And those sheets with that wine stain start this whole chain of Attraction and struggle. Does that make sense?

Not discounting your input. Just painting a little bit of the picture of why that particular phrasing was used. If you can suggest a better way to do that than what I have there, I'm happy to take the suggestions.

I get what you're saying and respect that people know their own poems and what they want them to do. However my experience has been that readers often get something very different from the read than the writer intended. And that's fine. But, for me, any feedback that results in me (the writer) having to say what was intended with the words I chose is a sign that maybe something isn't working for readers. And if anyone besides the writer is going to see the poem that's important. Maybe I'm wrong: I'm giving critique, not criticism but, like I said, food for thought.

 

[JaySecrets]

I get what you're saying and respect that people know their own poems and what they want them to do. However my experience has been that readers often get something very different from the read than the writer intended. And that's fine. But, for me, any feedback that results in me (the writer) having to say what was intended with the words I chose is a sign that maybe something isn't working for readers. And if anyone besides the writer is going to see the poem that's important. Maybe I'm wrong: I'm giving critique, not criticism but, like I said, food for thought.

Tis why, dear lady, I said that if you have a suggestion as to how to create that effect better in that piece, I welcome the feedback. I realize that how I hear the peace and how the reader sees the piece is going to be two different things. And I'm conscious that as much as I try to hear from the reader's point of view sometimes I'm going to miss a beat. So if you can suggest something that would help me in that piece create what I'm trying to create. I love that feedback. I'm good with criticism. Constructive or otherwise.

 

[JaySecrets]

tongue

that mole just inside your hip,
your quiet little cries
as if seeing something beautiful

very far away

That is gorgeous in its simplicity

 

[JaySecrets]

the burning


stream beds silenced, joyless
whilst shriveled on their stalks
corn husks shiver in a hot wind
that agitates
sets them to whispering
in cracked voices
speaking of failed expectations
disappointments
& trees shed thin, pale leaves
too thirsty to hold them all close

Lust is the flicked thumb-nail
the flaring match
casually discarded
in sere landscapes
bringing kisses of colour
that exhale curls of blue
& tastes & takes
& takes
& takes
an orgy of fuel
feeds its noisy greed
& in shades of violence
sucks oxygen from lovers' mouths
leaves only smoking ruins
blackened, stark
& waiting for rain

Wow!!! This is stunning! I'm kinda reeling at processing all the well crafted brilliance here!
First, I am a huge fan of the word whilst. It's one of those older words that just flow that are rarely used and when I see it used it makes me smile. But the brilliance of setting out your palate in the first half of the piece, laying out all of the backdrop and the imagery that you need for the second half, and to do it in a way where nothing feels contrived. All feels just natural and flowing out of each other. There's a precision of language there but it doesn't feel forced. It just feels fluid.

Then to take what you did in the first half of the piece and just start the second half with introducing what initially feels like a thought break: "Lust is..." To do that and then to effectively simultaneously bring life to the first half and at the same time burn it all down. There is nothing about this piece that I don't like. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is very well crafted and very well done.

 

[JaySecrets]

moonlit garden flowers bloom
precious lady silhouette looms
innocence, passion, beauties grace,
kneel before me take your place,
on my thigh rest your face,
avert your eyes, avoid my stare,
fingers twisted through silken hair,
heart rate quickens the warmth of skin,
in my heart youve always been..
bare for me your sacred soul,
the two of us become one whole,
close your eyes and find me there,
through the void our passion flares,
with eager touch embrace the rush,
my love for you shown by lust

I genuinely like imagery you're using, but there's a lot of cliche and a lot of sing-songiness to it. Try taking every line in there. That sounds like something you've heard somewhere before and if you can't completely replace it with something else at least try reworking it to something that sounds fresh. For example, one of my pieces I needed the concept of the pregnant pause, but that particular line has been hackneyed and overdone for way too long. So I spun the line and turned it into a pause waiting for its pregnancy. Same concept, slightly more poignant, and it sounds fresher.
Also try to have your punctuation breaks in the middle of lines, not at the end of lines. Even Shakespeare when you read his poetry, he doesn't drop the hard hard pauses, the commas and the periods and such, at the end of lines unless he is emphasizing something. He buries his punctuations and hard pauses in the middle of lines. So the Poetry is less sing-songy and more fluid. If you need to emphasize a certain part, absolutely do that hard break at the end of the line. But use that as a tool to emphasize something instead of just doing it on every line.

Like I said I do like the concept of it and the imagery of it, it just feels to me like it needs a lot of tweaking to get those little things that turn from being a good piece into being a phenomenal piece.

 

[Wonderer67]

I really wish 'tremories' was a word.

These sheets still pulse,
still whimper,
still memble with tremories

Make it so.

I love made up words and wordplay!!

 

[Broken_paladin]

I genuinely like imagery you're using, but there's a lot of cliche and a lot of sing-songiness to it. Try taking every line in there. That sounds like something you've heard somewhere before and if you can't completely replace it with something else at least try reworking it to something that sounds fresh. For example, one of my pieces I needed the concept of the pregnant pause, but that particular line has been hackneyed and overdone for way too long. So I spun the line and turned it into a pause waiting for its pregnancy. Same concept, slightly more poignant, and it sounds fresher.
Also try to have your punctuation breaks in the middle of lines, not at the end of lines. Even Shakespeare when you read his poetry, he doesn't drop the hard hard pauses, the commas and the periods and such, at the end of lines unless he is emphasizing something. He buries his punctuations and hard pauses in the middle of lines. So the Poetry is less sing-songy and more fluid. If you need to emphasize a certain part, absolutely do that hard break at the end of the line. But use that as a tool to emphasize something instead of just doing it on every line.

Like I said I do like the concept of it and the imagery of it, it just feels to me like it needs a lot of tweaking to get those little things that turn from being a good piece into being a phenomenal piece.

luckily I write the shit for me and not for you.. I wasnt aware this was a discussion board. Please leave your comments for someone who would appreciate them, but that isnt me. All you have done is make me want to not come here at all.

 

[Wonderer67]

luckily I write the shit for me and not for you.. I wasnt aware this was a discussion board. Please leave your comments for someone who would appreciate them, but that isnt me. All you have done is make me want to not come here at all.

Agree 100% with you.

Everything I write is for me or for
The person the poem may be directed at. I could scarcely give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

My poetry, is mine. It’s me pushing shit out of my head and on the paper. I don’t mind constructive feedback, but there are other vehicles for it., imo.

Having said that, I think you’re an excellent writer and appreciate your poetry. Keep it coming, brother.

 

[Broken_paladin]

Agree 100% with you.

Everything I write is for me or for
The person the poem may be directed at. I could scarcely give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

My poetry, is mine. It’s me pushing shit out of my head and on the paper. I don’t mind constructive feedback, but there are other vehicles for it., imo.

Having said that, I think you’re an excellent writer and appreciate your poetry. Keep it coming, brother.

thank you

 

[JaySecrets]

luckily I write the shit for me and not for you.. I wasnt aware this was a discussion board. Please leave your comments for someone who would appreciate them, but that isnt me. All you have done is make me want to not come here at all.

Part of what happens on this board is critiquing on another's writing. You only learn to be better as a writer by taking constructive criticism as a writer. If all you want to do is stay where you're at as a writer and never grow, That's fine. That's all you. But if you want to grow as a writer, You have to learn, as all of us on here have had to learn, how to take critiques and comments on your work and grow from those.

 

[JaySecrets]

luckily I write the shit for me and not for you.. I wasnt aware this was a discussion board. Please leave your comments for someone who would appreciate them, but that isnt me. All you have done is make me want to not come here at all.

And by the way, just so you understand how critiquing tends to work... If people don't see value in what you wrote, You won't get comments back at all. Or all you'll get is comments that are generically praising you. If you are getting critiques that actually get into the meat of what you wrote, that means that person is seeing gems and value in what you wrote, And would like to see those gems shine. To get critiques like mine and like others that may happen on here, That's a compliment.

 

[Wonderer67]

Part of what happens on this board is critiquing on another's writing. You only learn to be better as a writer by taking constructive criticism as a writer. If all you want to do is stay where you're at as a writer and never grow, That's fine. That's all you. But if you want to grow as a writer, You have to learn, as all of us on here have had to learn, how to take critiques and comments on your work and grow from those.

And you have to learn how to give feedback so it’ll be heard.

Not everyone likes or appreciates it.

I personally, could give a fuck what anyone thinks. Like I said above, I write for me, and only me.

I don’t think of what I do as a craft, it’s 100% self expression.

I’m not speaking on behalf of broken paladin, just myself.

Perhaps we should have a discussion thread to accompany our monthly challenges.

 

[JaySecrets]

Lying Awake

In the pale light of the full moon
Her rising breasts
Crossed by the shadows of the ornamental scrollwork
On the headboard

I feel her heartbeat
Listen to her shallow breaths
Of early sleep
Her mouth still slightly open

It was the most amazing session

I seem to say that every time

But this time
She must've cum
Eight, nine times
We strive to keep the orgasm gap
To 150:1

She controls me
Keeps me from erupting
Cumming is all for her
And her pleasure
I stave off my own eruption
Roiling in joyous misery for her

It's been sixteen years
And I still want
Need
And desire
This woman
So badly

Like day one

At first, I wasn't sure how much I liked the more straightforward phrasing and wording in the middle... I always tend to go to the concept of show not tell... But once you got to that last stanza and last line, there's no other way you could have done it. This is a very beautiful and well-written piece about eroticism and intimacy that lasts through decades. Amazing piece.

 

[JaySecrets]

And you have to learn how to give feedback so it’ll be heard.

Not everyone likes or appreciates it.

I personally, could give a fuck what anyone thinks. Like I said above, I write for me, and only me.

I don’t think of what I do as a craft, it’s 100% self expression.

I’m not speaking on behalf of broken paladin, just myself.

Perhaps we should have a discussion thread to accompany our monthly challenges.

I understand writing for yourself. I do that as well. And I have pieces that are pure self-expression and that have no purpose other than self-expression. But those are the pieces that generally don't get seen except by those who are closest to me. The pieces that I put out for others to see, those are the pieces that I write, yes, in expressing myself, but also in knowing that there's a craft here that I am bringing to the table. That I am creating art for others to enjoy.

I think that my critiques and my comments on here have been pretty consistently fair and complimentary. But I love the craft of poetry. I love the craft of riding. I love the craft of words. And I always want to see people become better at crafting them even when it's just self-expression. The more you work at the craft of the wordsmith, the craft of the writing, the more pure and poignant the self-expression gets.

 

[butters]

*poof*