3 wise monkeys.... ( Locked for Heartofcourage )

[heartofcourage]

Joan was dead to the world as she slept. She was often a heavy sleeper, aided by various pills that were designed to zone her out and help her into dreamland. However, the downside was that it took her a long time to claw her way back to reality.

When she finally managed the next morning, it was nearing in on noon. She simply lay there in her bed for a long moment, staring at the clock as she willed herself to get up and shower. The voices were quiet so far, everyone seemingly as tired as she felt. It wouldn't last long, but for the moment, she was glad for the few moments of peace.

She hopped into the shower about half an hour later, standing under the spray of the water to try and clear more of the fog from her head. She could barely hear the pounding on her front door, but without really thinking about it, she responded.

"Come in!" She called out, not moving from her spot under the hot spray of water.

 

[CoSurvivor]

His morning had pretty much been a flash, after his conversation with Lieutenant Gavin, he got cleaned up and started moving about his house. He made a list of things for himself that he needed to do regarding Joan.

1. Talk to Joan about the project, about writing an article on their practices from an objective point of view. He'd have to sway her regarding the details of it all, but the real meaning would be to find out what she knows about the killer, the case and what her voices are telling her. It could be that someone close to her is taking advantage of her condition and feeding her info. It could be that Joan knows the killer without realizing it. What concerned Elli the more he thought about it was that Joan might be the final victim in some crazy set up. As if this killer was planning on all this set up.
2. Talk to her boss, get permission for her to work on a story regarding the department and it's practices.
3. See if he can find out who her support system is, While he was in her apartment he didn't see any photos of anyone really so Elli was guessing that her family wasn't very supportive. Which sucked. Katelyn had the best support system anyone could ask for, but she still became a victim of the disease.
4. If Joan was going to work with him, he'd have to be part of her support system. Part of him wanted this, but it was also concerning because he wasn't sure if he was ready to be that focus for anyone. he still broke down on a regular basis. But he hoped the stability he was finding in his work could extend to his own home life. But he was afraid of being that single pillar for Joan, if that's what happened. What if he stammered? what if he had a bout of his own depression, that wouldn't be good for her.

He was getting ready to leave, getting his keys, wallet, phone and essentials when he reached into the closet and found his heavy coat. The weather had turned cold over night, a frigged 36 degrees. His boot kicked something, and when he looked down at what it was he gave a weak smile.

"OK Maria.. I get it.. pull your boots on.. "

Elli pulled up the box and rested it on the sofa next to the front door and opened the brown packing box. Inside was the package, right where he'd left them..Inside were a pair of Sorels women's size 7. Elli laughed to himself and then actually let out a hearty laugh running his fingers across the printed sticker Joan of Arctic "Oh she's gonna think I'm nuts..totally crazy.."

Besides the boots were three pair of knee high socks he'd bought to go with the boots, He'd planned on giving them to Maria as a holiday gift, but when the accident happened he'd completely buried the box, forgetting the boots actually existed. Closing up the box he put it under his arm and headed out. He had about an hour before he needed to be at Joan's place.
---
Knocking on her door he could hear her call out. The walls were near paper thin, and he tried the lock, it was unlocked so he let himself in, closing and locking the door behind him. Making sure the door was locked he checked it, then pulled the door open. The door itself remained locked, but the door didn't latch properly.

"Now that's safe.." Elli muttered to himself The lock was pathetic, he was surprised it actually functioned.Taking survey of her apartment he set the box and bag he'd brought with him down on the floor, then turned back to her front door. It didn't look like anyone had messed with it. So, he gave it a hard shove and could hear the light click of the latch snapping in place. Trying the dead bolt he snapped that closed too but it didn't seem like it engaged correctly. He'd have to ask Joan if she'd always had issues with her front door. With the front door sort of secure, he walked farther into Joan's apartment and put the larg bag down on her kitchen table. "Hey, I'm here.. take your time, I'll have lunch ready for you when you get out...."

setting out two sandwiches, chips and a few cans of soda Elli tried to make things presentable with what he'd brought. Lastly he returned to the box and set it on her couch. When he heard the water turn off, Elli got nervous.. He wasn't sure why.. He'd been here before.. but the circumstances were personal today.. a touch professional but mostly personal.

Filling the silence, Elli called out "How'd you sleep?"

 

[heartofcourage]

The shower soon shut off and Joan was entering the room in her robe, her hair still soaking wet. She stared at Wake for a long moment, still slightly dazed from her medication and trying to ignore the voices that were getting louder again.

"Fine, I guess." She muttered, moving as if on autopilot towards the coffee pot to make something to clear out the last of the cobwebs from her brain. "I didn't hear the voice again, if that's what you want to know."

 

[CoSurvivor]

"It was just a question, if you didn't hear any voices last night, I'm glad to hear it. but if your situation is anything like my sister's was, she always heard voices. day and night. Some friendly, some loud, but they were always there."

Elli waved over to her small kitchen table as he did admire her 'girl next door' beauty. Joan was attractive, he'd have to be blind not to acknowledge that, but there was something about seeing an attractive woman fresh out of the shower that just screamed 'sexy' to him.

"I brought sandwiches, drinks, napkins and... a little something extra. I am never one to turn down a little desert before eating, so I thought you might be willing to share something with me."

Out of the bag Elli had left on the floor, he pulled out two good sized cookies.

"I rushed over from where I got them, they are still pretty warm. Figured you might enjoy one?"

He put two chocolate chip cookies down on her small kitchen table.

"I also wasn't sure what you'd prefer, turkey or ham, so I got one of each. I figured I'd give you first pick."

Elli kept his voice upbeat but he was a little nervous. and he really wasn't sure why.

 

[heartofcourage]

"They're always there, but the medication dulls everything out enough that I don't care." Joan said as Wake talked about his own situation with his sister.

She looked down at the table and everything that he had brought to her apartment that afternoon. He was talking enough for the both of them, explaining what he had gotten at the deli and wondering what her favorites were. Her large blue eyes looked up at him as he nervously stood there and she wondered if he was scared of her or something else.

"Ham is fine." She muttered as she moved past him to take a seat at the table, sitting there for a moment as voices floated around her brain. "You said your sister was the same? She went through this too?"

 

[CoSurvivor]

"Yea... Yes.. She did." Elli was thinking from a far away place, his mind had momentarily gone back to a happy time in his life. But that was before he'd met Maria. Before their daughter...

Emotions wanted to wash over him, Doctors, his therapist had said there would be times like this when little things reminded him of the big things, and that only with time would it get easier. The pain would never fade, but it would just get easier to deal with. Sometimes he believed them, sometimes he thought they were full of it. But now wasn't a moment for introspection. Elli was here for a reason.

With a measured uptick in his voice, Elli commented, and then followed with another question.

"Ham it is..and I appreciate you letting me ask you a few questions today..."

 

[heartofcourage]

"Did?" Joan asked as she took a seat at the table and looked at him with a tilt to her head. "I'm sorry to hear about that."

She knew that many people like her ended their lives when it got too much. It was a hard road, especially when you were young and scared. She had tried herself, but had been thwarted at the last moment when her sister had found her and called the cops in time. She had spent six months in the hospital, receiving help and counselling.

"Well, I can't promise that you'll like all of my answers, but I can try my hardest." Joan said as he thanked her for letting him ask questions, the plate placed in front of her looking appetizing.

 

[CoSurvivor]

Elli nodded, "It was a long time ago...and don't worry about your answers, just try and answer as truthfully as you can."

Elli thought about asking about her writing, asking about a few things to break the ice, but he thought that might just frustrate her. No, get to the point, don't make things confusing. Stick to one topic at a time. He tried to remember all the conversations he'd had with his sister and just got right to the point.

"You told me at the scene that you knew for certain about the knife wound. Was it something a voice told you? Did the voice tell you about the ones before?

 

[heartofcourage]

"Well, I didn't kill them myself if that is what you want to know." Joan said with a shrug of her shoulders as she bit into the sandwich and looked over at Wake. "How else would I know if I wasn't the one doing it? That's what all of the other cops can't wait to ask. If I knew about the wound, I must be the killer, right?"

No one ever believed her about the voices telling her things about the crimes. Even if she could tell them things that they hadn't discovered yet, they would still try to pin things on her in order to tie up all the loose ends easily.

 

[CoSurvivor]

Elli could tell this could get out of control quickly, he spoke to her in the calmest voice he could find. He spoke to her courteously, not condescending but confident and he tried to swing his voice and his mannerisms in a way that could convey trust. He went to the extent of leaning forward in the chair he was sitting in, not invading her personal space, but he definatly did not want to convey that he 'didn't' trust her. Joan was a stranger to him, he didn't trust her really, no more than he could trust a stranger off the street that he'd said hello to. Each person who he interacted with was given a measure of trust, depending on their actions he'd expand his interactions, and he was hoping by the end of this conversation both of them could come to the conclusion that they could trust each other.

"Joan, please understand, I'm not accusing you of anything. I know you didn't kill these people. Certain things that are on the bodies and the manner in which they were found means they knew who killed them. What the connection is, I don't know. Now you're gonna think I'm crazy when I make my next suggestion. so bare with me."

"I'm sure your voices are real. As real as the sun rises and sets.. But you know things that nobody else knows, things that we've not released to the public. So you have to understand why people have looked at you as a suspect. I don't."

Elli paused, then continued.

"I think someone is using you. Could it be possible that the voices you hear, or the voice you hear which is telling you everything is someone planting thoughts... to possibly stay one step ahead of all of us?"

Elli gave her a few minutes to process what he'd said. then followed up with one last thing.

"I need your help Joan. I need you to work with me. Help me catch this killer..."

 

[heartofcourage]

Joan was very quiet as he spoke, staring down at the table as he posed his suggestion to her. He wanted to work with her. Why? She had no idea. Her information came from an unreliable source, one that most law enforcement would lock her up for. He was practically begging her for help, to bring in a killer.

"I don't know." Joan said as she finally looked up at him, considering his plea for a long moment. "I might not be able to give you the answers that you're looking for. It doesn't happen all of the time and I don't have any control."

She went very quiet for a long moment after she said that, the voices in her head all talking at once. It made her wince slightly, the storm making her ache in the fiercest way.

"Who is Maria? She hasn't shut up since late last night." Joan suddenly muttered, looking at him as if he might know who this new voice in her head was.

 

[CoSurvivor]

Elli nodded, he knew her information would be 'compromised' in a certain way. but he certainly hoped that this might give her focus, and also.. well help catch a killer.

"I don't expect you to have all the answers. But I'm hoping that between you and I we can figure this out, save some lives... catch the bad guy, or bad girl as the case might be, whomever they are."

It was an interesting thought, could the killer be a woman? Sure.. currently none of the victims had been moved, so it didn't take any physical effort.. and it was a person that they all trusted. At least that's what Elli thought. He took a good sized bite out of his turkey sandwich and was mulling over another idea, another question to ask Joan when she asked about Maria. He knew his face would betray him, betray his raw emotion at the inquiry as to who she was. Elli immediately felt like he was getting played... He wanted to get angry, shout.. and accuse her of invading his privacy. But he thought he'd be over reacting.

Quickly he went over his actions, his words last night, had he spoken her name in her presence? Had he left something out in the car last night with her name on it? No.. he'd been careful. The rose had no name on it, neither did the duck. Elli decided to be honest, and his words hurt, even as they came out of his lips. It was like an admission of his own weakness, his failure to protect his family.

"Maria was my wife's name..."

Elli didn't believe in ghosts, didn't believe in the afterlife. Joan must have read something on him. Maybe the article in the paper, about her death and noticed his last name. She was a reporter, after all.

 

[heartofcourage]

"Well, she needs to shut up." Joan grumbled, taking a drink from her cup as she noticed the way that Wake looked like she had just punched him in the jaw. "She keeps saying "tell him, tell him, tell him". I don't even know what she wants me to tell you."

Joan was often abrupt and to the point, bristled around the edges and she made no excuses for that. It came from a deeply wounded place in her soul that she probably would never be able to heal. She was a freak to most people, the one that needed to be avoided. It wasn't really something that she cared to open up to others about since she had been burned so many times in the past.

"Tell him what?" She murmured, rocking back and forth in her seat slightly as she seemed to lose touch with reality. "What? What is there to tell him? I don't know him. I don't know you. Why do you keep talking?"

 

[CoSurvivor]

"M, was always pretty persistent. But I don't know if she's trying to tell you to say something for her, or if she's trying to tell you.. to tell me something."

It did give him the opportunity to smile slightly, he remembered back that morning, it had been like so many others, he could remember every detail, what she wore, what his daughter was wearing, every inch of the memory welled inside him, begging to come out. He'd cried every night, every time he thought of things he wanted to say, should have said to both of them. it fucking sucked just sitting here in this room with Joan as if she was some sort of messenger. He wanted to believe in something more that maybe M was indeed talking through Joan. but that was believing in the impossible. No, this was another of Joan's voices.. part of her subconscious trying to speak out. He had to refocus their conversation before it went completely off the rails.

"Do you want to help me Joan? Do you want to help me catch this killer?"

 

[heartofcourage]

Joan looked over at him suddenly as he asked her if she wanted to help him. She didn't know. If she did, it would be something that she had never done before. It might also mean going back to a hospital if someone thought that she was truly crazy.

"Only if you promise that no one will take me to a doctor." Joan said suddenly, snapped out of her conversation with the voices in her head. "Not you, not another cop, not anymore. I don't want to go back."

 

[CoSurvivor]

The gravity of her words hit him, but he knew in his heart and mind that he'd have to follow through on this. if they were going to catch this killer they were going to have to try things differently. That was why he was here to begin with. Elli was asking a lot from Joan, to go down this rabbit hole with him. So, it was only fair that he be asked to give a concession.. she'd lost trust in so many it would seem. Her rightful fear of doctors probably came from the massive dosing that doctors would give her, pump her full of drugs and fill her head with fog. That was no way to live. It would be like walking through life with goggles and ear muffs on. No way to live.

"No doctors. Unless you ask, and on your terms."

Elli looked into her eyes. hoped his own conveyed his sense of empathy for what she was asking. Joan was a beautiful young woman. If things were different, if he wasn't still torn in half he could easily see the attraction to her. But his own grief made it hard for him to see anyone 'that' way.

"Deal?"

Elli reached across the small table his hand extended palm upturned and open.

 

[heartofcourage]

Joan hesitated for a long moment as Wake offered her his hand, promising that she wouldn't have to go to a doctor if she didn't want to. Carefully, she took his hand and shook it, giving him a promise that she would help him to catch whomever was doing this.

"Deal." Joan said softly, finally pulling her hand back after a few seconds. "I suppose you'll want to see my notes on everything."

 

[CoSurvivor]

Her hand was warm, but a good kind of warm. It might seem odd to a lot of people but the genuine touch of someone else's hand in his own, if only for a moment was a wonderful thing. Elli held her hand for only as long as she'd allow him to, and when her fingers slipped from his, he felt cold again. Alone again.

Why? Why was this simple thing effecting him so much? was it the thought that he was subtly touching Maria? Maybe in some unknown way? He didn't think there was any way Joan could 'truly' be talking to her? No. He had to shut that back out of his mind. Dreams of having one last word with her was out of the question. He lived in the here and the now, not in the what could have been. But the thought of seeing his daughter one more time kissing her hair one more time, made him cold on the inside because Elli was a realist, that could never happen. Maybe it was effecting him so much because he was a broken man, finding company with someone else who was just as broken as he was. That had to be it. Or.. was it that he felt she'd want to catch this person, the killer just as much as he did.. that kindred need to solve this made it all the more reasonable that they'd bond. at least that was a hope, an idea that he could hold on to in the here and now.

"I was hoping you'd share, and I'd do the same. There are police records into the murders, stuff nobody has seen. Which I have permission to show you. 'Partner' If this is going to work, you have to know I won't hide anything from you. that anything I know, I'll share."

Elli took another bite and raised an eye brow. "Which reminds me..."

Getting up from his seat, Elli walked back to her living room and picked up the box he'd brought in.

"I..I thought, if we were going to work together, you might need these."

 

[heartofcourage]

Joan watched as Wake stood and went to get a box that he had placed aside temporarily. She looked suspicious as he handed her the item and told her that it was something for her. She wasn't used to gifts and she simply stared at it for the longest moment before she pulled the lid off. A pair of boots were nestled in the paper, brand new and just her size.

"You bought me boots?" She asked, looking up at him confused as to why he would spend so much money on something like that for her. "Why?"

 

[CoSurvivor]

Elli knew it could go over badly, how do you explain to someone that the boots you'd just given them were intended for someone else, but you never had a chance to give them to her. Best answer... you don't. You come up with another 'true' answer.. and then wait till the time is right to tell her how you had them in your possession. Of course. Elli was a horrible liar. he'd always sucked at it which was one of the reasons that Maria had loved him so much. It was also one of the reasons why he became a cop. to stop the liars from getting away with doing bad things.

Elli took a deep sigh. then spilled his guts. His face grew flush, nearly red...

"I...I noticed you nearly got frostbite last night standing out in the cold wearing your sneakers. When we got here last night I couldn't help but notice how hard it was for you to walk around with your feet nearly frozen solid. So, when I left and had to move your soaking wet shoes out of the way I noticed your shoe size. I'd bought those as a gift. But they never got them."

He was trying to make eye contact, and couldn't without, without looking like an ass. He already felt like an ass for bringing them to her, for even offering them. Elli knew he was babbling, but he had to get it out before he couldn't say it.

"That box has been in my closet for 18 months. I'd thought a half dozen times about giving them away, putting them in a salvation army donation bucket and just being done with it. I was going to, but each time I couldn't. M would have told me that I should give them to someone who could use them. They were intended as a gift. So, I'm giving them to you as a gift. Besides, they'll keep your feet a whole hell of a lot warmer than what you were wearing yesterday.If you are going to work with me, then you are going to need something a whole hell of a lot better on your feet than the summer kicks you were wearing. I want you to have them, Maria would want you to have them."

"Hell if you don't believe me, ask Maria. Ask her.. she seems to be talking to you, ask her if she'd want you to have them.. "

He said it, yup.. he was now believing that Joan was communicating with the dead...

 

[heartofcourage]

"I'm crazy, not psychic." Joan said as Wake alluded to her talking to his dead wife. "She's a figment of my imagination. "

Joan stood up with the shoes, looking them over again as she thought over what he had just said. It didn't really mean anything. He was just looking out for her. With a nod, she turned and made her way to her small bookshelf, picking up one of the red journals there. It was filled with her scrawled writing, sometimes sane and sometimes manic. Handing it to Wake, she turned towards her bedroom.

"I'll get dressed while you look that over. You might find something worthwhile there." She said with a shrug of her shoulders.

 

[CoSurvivor]

When Joan walked to her bedroom, Elli looked at the well worn cover of the red journal that she gave him and wondered if he was about to dive into black waters..Once he was in, he'd be stuck, he wouldn't be able to get his barrings, or find his way to the surface. But it was worth the risk if they could stop the bloodshed.

"At the end of this Joan... I may be the crazy one" Elli thought to himself. He did admire the subtle walk she made to the bedroom and start to get changed.

Elli took a drink from his glass and started in on the journal. It felt, not like he was in dark water, but that he was reading some grand conversation in story form splayed out on the pages of the journal. He couldn't tell if he was reading a diary entry, or if he was reading a conversation, but there were comments in there that seemed to be coming from different people. Joan it seemed was writing down her thoughts, expressing her schizophrenia through writing giving the voices written word. The prose, and the font changed between comments, one voice seemed to be screaming with larger text, always in caps, always threatening. This must be 'him' that she'd commented about last night. The ideas and threats were vile... not only were there threats in there to Joan, but descriptions of what were done to the bodies, a male victim was found in his apartment, he'd been found after 3 days, he was planning on going on a weekend vacation, but when he didn't return for work the following Monday, people got worried.

When the police got the call for a 'welfare check' the call had gone to Elli, he'd looked through windows, checked the front door, then the back. The back door to the unit was through it's attached garage, which was a shared space. As soon as Eilli passed into the back of the home and into the kitchen, he'd seen the body. sitting at his kitchen table as if about to have dinner. The victim had his eyes closed, sitting completely upright in his chair. Once he'd gotten closer, Elli noticed the man actually had his eyes removed, his eye lids had been glued shut.

When CSI investigated the body, they found the left side chest wound which was the only 'tell' that the killer had been leaving behind. Regarding the man's eyes, they found found those cupped in his hands, resting in his lap. It was the first body discovered, but not the first victim. The voice, 'him' who ever it was stated what only a few knew, that in fact the 3rd victim had been the first. he'd just been put on ice.

"Joan... How long have you been hearing 'him' "??

 

[heartofcourage]

Joan peeked back into the other room as he asked her how long she had been hearing the dark voice. She was buttoning a flannel shirt, glimpses of bare skin underneath visible as she paused and really thought about that question.

"Since this all began, I guess. He was the first voice behind Mary that appeared." She said, not really remembering a time in her adult life that the dark male voice hadn't taunted her and told her to do dark and disgusting things.

 

[CoSurvivor]

Elli looked up and could see a glimpse of her upper chest, and her navel. Why was he having these thoughts? Yes Joan was attractive but they were supposed to be working together not him thinking about if she was wearing a bra under the flannel shirt or not, if her belly button was pierced, or what she might look like in just the boots and her winter jacket. He tried to sweep all of these ideas out of his head. Even... other thoughts came to mind.. but none of them save for a professional working relationship.

"Has it always been so explicit? If what you are writing down in your journal is what 'he' is saying to you then this is must weigh on you. I'm sorry..."

He apologized for a reason that wasn't normal. Normally he wasn't much for apologizing for anything. Things would work themselves through and if you said what you meant and did what you said, then there was really no reason to apologize to anyone if they misinterpreted what you'd done. Police work hadn't 'not' made him empathetic, but it did harden him a bit when it came to people. Joan was different, in that she'd just lay it out there. take it or leave it, and for once, 'crazy' might actually be refreshing. The fact that he was apologizing to her for the pain she must be in just wasn't his normal response to anything.

Elli closed the journal and sat back in her couch, he'd been trying to think of how best to move forward with Joan, what exactly should they do first. They had options, he could take her to the station, but that probably wouldn't go over well with some, especially her after her last run in with Lewis. He'd have to figure out a way to get copies of the records, and access to files. Some they'd end up doing at night, during his normal shift. Other stuff such as coroner files.. he'd have to see about what info he could get quietly. Then there was revisiting the scenes, some have been released to the public, others no. For certain, he'd have to get Joan to talk to her editor, and make sure it was ok for them to work together.

"You must have some ideas as to who the killer is, you've been the to scenes, you are hearing 'him' in your head.. so you've got have at least some opinion.. Also, are you going to be ok with this? Working with me? A Cop? I mean, normally journalists and police don't work together. In this town the relationship is pretty respectful, but still it's a 'keep your distance' kinda thing. Figure if your editor finds out you are working with me and it's not ok'd it might cause an issue. And I don't want to make trouble for you. I've talked to my Lieutenant, and honestly he thinks this is a long shot. but he's willing to try, he trusts me that much. Hopefully your editor will be willing to let you do it..."

 

[heartofcourage]

"He's not kind, if that's what you want to know." Joan said with a shrug of her shoulders as she finished buttoning up her shirt. "And there's no need for you to apologize for something that you can't control. You didn't put him in my head and you can't stop him from saying all of those awful, vile things."

"Just because I hear a voice doesn't mean I know anything beyond what they want to share. I've...seen...some things. Mostly heard descriptions. Of course the police would never let me near the crime scene. They've also outright accused me of the murders a few times." Joan let out a sigh as she sat down on her sofa to pull on her socks.

"My editor would just as soon fire me as keep me on, but they can't because they can't figure out if I would have a lawsuit on my hands." Joan looked up at Wake. "They're scared of me. It seems to be a common theme in my life."