A Good Dominant

[Netzach]

Knowing what the hell you want.

Not knowing what you want is a fatal flaw.

 

[graceanne]

Knowing what the hell you want.

Not knowing what you want is a fatal flaw.

That's true in just about everything, though.

 

[Joe Schmoe]

My line of thinking is that if they are a good human being in general who has the desire to continue with their improvement in all phases of themselves and their life then you will have a good dominant. Simple as that. Everything else are accessories.

 

[Betticus]

My line of thinking is that if they are a good human being in general who has the desire to continue with their improvement in all phases of themselves and their life then you will have a good dominant. Simple as that. Everything else are accessories.

The thing that I am understanding is that no-one cares about that. They want a guarantee that they will be fulfilled and will fall for the first good used car salesman that comes along. No one cares much about long term substance at all but they do care a lot about the salesmanship.

 

[Joe Schmoe]

The thing that I am understanding is that no-one cares about that. They want a guarantee that they will be fulfilled and will fall for the first good used car salesman that comes along. No one cares much about long term substance at all but they do care a lot about the salesmanship.

...while the lemons keep rolling off the lot. Caveat emptor

 

[Betticus]

...while the lemons keep rolling off the lot. Caveat emptor

Your mileage may vary.

Mine was not the best example though. You have to be a well rounded person. Able to perform in all aspects of a relationship including the salesmanship part. A lot of people never develop skills that go beyond the initial seduction but at the same time a lot of people never work on the beginning part. Meeting people, communication, etc...

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Since I now have had the worldy priviledge of knowing 3 Doms, my answer would be:

Someone who takes his role seriously, knows what he wants, and how to achieve his desires thru me. Or perhaps I'm still wet behind the ears and don't know a thing. More practice, experiement, research...

 

[AmbrosiaCaress]

My opinion, most women who know themselves to be submissive would prefer a Man who is in control of His environment as well as Himself. Confidence is very sexy, most women would say..or so I am told. Undo cruelty is not necessarily a true sign of a good Dom. A Man who can temper firmness with tenderness is one Who will hold the key to the submissive woman who chooses to give herself to Him.

I agree with this... but wanted to add.. at least in my humble point of view...

Responsibility.....

The Dom/Master must be willing... and more importantly... ABLE.. to take the responsibility of a submissive/slave...

 

[Crimson Fire]

Need some help here !!

What does a girl do when her Master has been sidelined by RT problems and doesn't have time for her, sexually or otherwise. Does she just hang in there and wait, does she try to fix the problem (which is totally out of her control anyway) Does she try to improve herself hoping to stir his passions once more? Does she move on knowing the situation won't improve?
What was once an ideal situation has now become unbearable and very painful, I think for us both. Help I'm running on empty here and would appreciate some advice.

 

[FurryFury]

I'd say it depends. Sure you can wait a little while and a lot depends on the nature of the problem.

However in my opinion you also have to take care yourself. When you start feeling down, you have a responsibility to help yourself in any way that doesn't hurt others and hopefully yourself. (I'm talking pain unwanted by others and self destructive pain to yourself.)

If he or she can no long meet your needs. If you can't fix the situation. If there is no hope on the horizon that things will get better for your needs to be met. Then it's time to work through the loss and move on.

That's just my opinion. Waiting forever for someone is not really an option. Changing their mind is rarely an option. It is said that a man whose mind is changed against his will, if of the same opinion still. I have certainly found that to be true.

Good luck to you in your situation. I hope you find a way to what you want and need in your life.

Fury

 

[La Kajira]

Ahem, not to hijack or anything, but...

Graceanne, gorgeous avatar...

 

[shy slave]

What does a girl do when her Master has been sidelined by RT problems and doesn't have time for her, sexually or otherwise. Does she just hang in there and wait, does she try to fix the problem (which is totally out of her control anyway) Does she try to improve herself hoping to stir his passions once more? Does she move on knowing the situation won't improve?
What was once an ideal situation has now become unbearable and very painful, I think for us both. Help I'm running on empty here and would appreciate some advice.

Its not easy when real life intervenes.

It depends on the type of relationship you have with each other and where you think it has the potential to go.

Inside yourself you know the right answers, facing them is the hard bit, following them through is easier than you think.

If you know hanging in there is the right thing, you will have the patience to do it, if you know the right thing is to cut ties then you will find the courage.

Good Luck, there are no wrong decisions
xx

 

[graceanne]

Ahem, not to hijack or anything, but...

Graceanne, gorgeous avatar...

Thanks.

 

[La Kajira]

You are welcome.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

What does a girl do when her Master has been sidelined by RT problems and doesn't have time for her, sexually or otherwise. Does she just hang in there and wait, does she try to fix the problem (which is totally out of her control anyway) Does she try to improve herself hoping to stir his passions once more? Does she move on knowing the situation won't improve?
What was once an ideal situation has now become unbearable and very painful, I think for us both. Help I'm running on empty here and would appreciate some advice.

CF, is this an online relationship or face-to-face? I'm not certain because your phrase "sidelined by RT problems" would indicate to me that the _relationship_ is online. If you were in a face-to-face realtime relationship I would think you would use "health problems" or "employment issues" or "family problems".... See what I mean?

Giving advise is easy. Giving decent advice is hard. Without more specific information about the nature of the problem, the nature of your relationship, your commitment, his, the ability of both of you to communicate with one another... Basically, at this point, any advice anyone gives you is worth the pixels that they take up on your screen, no more, no less.

 

[cati]

re: Need Help (Crimson)

CF...

I would have to agree with Geoff. The information that you have provided is very general indeed. Living the D/s BDSM lifestyle in RT can be difficult. If your "needs" aren't being met then you should think long and hard about the future and where the relationship might be say 3 years from now. If you went into this relationship with certain expectations that haven't materialized or the relationship is very onesided (with your giving and his taking) then you are going to become emotionally and physically drained. If you truly love your Dom/Master and wish to wait it out, I would suggest finding a support network within the lifestyle where you can find someone to talk with on a regular basis. One question: are you two married? If so this adds another complication to your situation. Seriously, how much are you really willing to give? "Real" slaves, and I use the term loosely are supposed give all to their Masters and from what I understand don't necessarily "get" in return. Your needs are secondary to his.
Still, being what we are, "human" we are entitled to love, warmth and tenderness from our partners, no matter what our lifestyles, otherwise we become ill.
Look to your friends for consolation and advice.

 

[Marquis]

What does a girl do when her Master has been sidelined by RT problems and doesn't have time for her, sexually or otherwise. Does she just hang in there and wait, does she try to fix the problem (which is totally out of her control anyway) Does she try to improve herself hoping to stir his passions once more? Does she move on knowing the situation won't improve?
What was once an ideal situation has now become unbearable and very painful, I think for us both. Help I'm running on empty here and would appreciate some advice.

Personally, I think self improvement combined with a realistic mindset is the way to go. That way if things work out, you will be even better for him, and if not, you will be even better for yourself or whoever you choose to serve next.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Personally, I think self improvement combined with a realistic mindset is the way to go. That way if things work out, you will be even better for him, and if not, you will be even better for yourself or whoever you choose to serve next.

Have to agree with Marquis and add to think of trying to fix your Dominant's RL problem situations, unless asked to, is not going to please many as it can be seen as trying to take control, thinking they are not able to do it themselves, or just overstepping the boundaries.

Catalina

 

[La Kajira]

I had an old boyfriend once who kept dodging and ducking, claiming RL this and that as an excuse for missed date after missed date.

After about a month of it, I finally got nosy and tagged along after him when he left work. Turns out he was dating another girl the whole time, yet didn't want to dump me and lose the bird he had in the hand just in case things didn't work out.

Good luck Crimson...

 

[cati]

Playing RT Dodgeball

O.K I'm curious Kajira what did you do when you found out?

cati

 

[mitchell67]

re: femspeak

I agree with this... but wanted to add.. at least in my humble point of view...
Responsibility.....
The Dom/Master must be willing... and more importantly... ABLE.. to take the responsibility of a submissive/slave...

Is responsibility a new euphemism for luchre? Your thoughts, Betticus?

If not, does it even make sense to take responsibility OF anyone?

 

[Miss Trickery]

I think we can say our versions of what makes a good dom, but since no one is wrong in what they say... I feel that a good dom/me is:

1) Considered 'good' by their sub/slave

When it boils down to the very bits and pieces... that's really all that matters. As people, we are unique, which carries over to who we are in the lifestyle... dom/mes, subs, slaves, switces, bananas... we each have our own wants, desires, likes, dislikes, etc. While some may find us 'good' other may find us 'bad.' So ultimately we seek out a partner - and if that partner (for you dom/mes) considers you a good dom/me - then bottom line, you're a good dom/me.

 

[landcruisergal]

Knowing what the hell you want.

Not knowing what you want is a fatal flaw.

Best advice I got when I started playing with my pyl was this.
That way I can maintain a focus.I found it really difficult because I started my experiences as a sub.
What I want as a submissive has always been irrelevent to my PYL. If my needs weren't met I would have walked a long time ago.

*The ability to communicate clearly.
I know this goes for any relationship, but if we can express what we like, or wish to explore then my PYL can decide which of my desires he wishes to fulfill and I can decide which desires of my pyl's I can toy with. Pressing buttons.
Plus sometimes the sub can come up with great suggestions for play that the dom hasnt considered.Unless you can discuss it, you may never get it. Quite a few subs I know wont suggest anything as they think its not appropriate.

*To accept imperfections and failings, my own and those of my partners.
*To admit error when it occurs.
My PYL says I punish myself more harshly for my weaknesses than he does.
Once when I nearly fainted and was apologising for interrupting play, his response was " its about time you realised you are human after all"
I have a tendency to put my PYL on a pedestal and when he (rarely, thankfully) makes a mistake I have to remind myself that he is human also.

* to know basic first aid.
* to always remember where the keys are

 

[sweetnpetite]

I think that it has something to do with money. I get the feeling that a lot of "subs" are just little whores looking for a ride to easy street with a well off or rich man.

Not saying that anyone here is of course.

why didn't I think of that?

 

[Richard49]

There are four things that make a good dominant.

Confidence. I hate a guy who tries to bill himself as a Dom but comes off as a wimp.

Creativity. A dom controls how a scene develops, so a good dom has to have a sense of style and direction and be willing to make the first move.

Patience. I hate a guy who tries to bill himself as a Dom and then immediately tries to get me in the sack. A good dom has a sense of rhythm and sensuality and takes time to drive me wild and actually dominant me.

Insight. Most subs suck at communication, so the quality that really sets a brilliant dom apart from a good one is the brilliant doms are excellent at reading a sub's body language and tells and working from that.

I would add honesty/loyality and a good handle on duty