A little understanding

[graceanne]

Just be glad you don't get it. Because if you did, and your husband didn't, you'd be asking another question that gets asked here all the time.

I love a scientific explanation thank you.

"As a child clinical psychologist, I have been recommending weighted blankets and lap pads for my patients for many years in order to help with sleep problems. Not only are the blankets useful for children with Autistic Spectrum Disorders and children with Attention Deficit Disorder, I have found them to help children with anxiety disorders as well as children who just have difficulty with falling asleep. These blankets are superior to others offered in that the weights do not shift, and the workmanship is outstanding".
Nancie R. Spector, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist​

Found Here.

 

[where]

smells like troll.

 

[geeraff]

smells like troll.

how so?

 

[geeraff]

because you're new, your fist post was somewhat inflamatory (though honestly not that bad) and you appeared to have vanished for a good chunk of the first page. It's possible she doubts the veracity of your story. Doesn't really matter, you came back, read up, and shared a bit. Another fifty posts or so and you'll be a "regular of the forum"

Don't mind Kybele, she's been hunting trolls to denounce all over the board lately (well... ok, a couple other threads anyway). Whatevers gotten her riled enough to tell off n00bs, she's essentially doing us a service, you incuded, for which I'm grateful. A little troll hunting is good for the forum, and I never seem to spot them myself.

actually this thread would've started with like my 50th post. My first post is asking about married couples inviting others in the bedroom and its a dream of mine. But I understand trolls are different on every forum. On the parenting forum I'm on they are either spammers or pervs (one asked for my friends 10 year olds step daughters dirty undies) or they start OMG I MIGHT ME PREGNANT threads. Oh and they have a lot of baby daddy drama if they get that far. 50 more posts coming up...youd be surprised how fast I can rack that up.

 

[00Syd]

I hate how many people on this board have been raped. It makes me sad everytime it gets talked about. The number of people on this board who have been raped should be 0.

 

[VelvetSin]

I still consider myself new to much of the BDSM world, so I'll leave the majority of the details to those far more experienced than me. Like gracie said though, all victims had different experiences, are left with different triggers, and find different ways of healing and handling the future.

For me, I "healed" by going through a period of nymphomania. Then when it clicked that wasn't a cure, I went through a period where I claimed to be lesbian. Then when I finally got up the nerve to try sex with a woman I was attracted to and didn't feel the "fix" I did from hetero sex, I went celibate to get my head on straight because sex just plain wasn't worth the fear and baggage.

Then I met a man who was patient and gave me time to work through my issues (maaany, many issues) until I felt comfortable doing the most basic things in bed. I knew from almost the start he was into BDSM, and like you, at first I was revolted by the idea anyone would want to willingly put themselves into that situation. He never argued, he just calmly mentioned each time there was a distinct difference between surrendering and submitting willingly versus having choice stolen. And there was a monumental difference between someone that would never harm you in a truly dangerous or lasting way, that wanted to ultimately nurture and build you up, and fostered trust, versus someone that did what they did with the intention to harm and didn't give a crap about trust or anything but their own power trip regardless of the damage it caused. He waited a looong time, and when I finally really listened to his words and started to internalize them, my curiosity amped up to eleven but I was still terrified. When I finally decided to try it, I decided to do it for him, which was probably flawed logic (I swore I wanted to do it, but I really had no desire) but I trusted him.

And after the first time, and especially after the first few times, I finally realized I had lived in fear for years of what someone else did and lived my life as if every person I met was that man. When I was still getting therapy for recovery, it's something I'd been told dozens of times but never really clicked until then. I avoided situations I would have enjoyed, and ran from people that did nothing wrong. Not saying it was a magical cure, but it helped me get over some of my fears. When I finally surrendered everything to someone I trusted and was worth the trust, I don't think I've ever felt so free. Like really, really free. That isn't to say that freak-out triggers magically disappeared from one or even a handful of sessions, but hell, I don't know if I could describe it. It's like I got my power back by giving it up. I still remember and still have buttons and triggers, and unlike many into BDSM, still don't think I could handle a rape fantasy without going completely out-of-my-head-whacko with frenzied gotta-go's (to borrow a gracie term, I like it!), but if I can (willingly) give up something so important to someone (I trust 100%), there is no reason to continue living in pure terror when the one that created that has been gone for so long. It finally beat into my head that there is a difference between living cautiously, and sheltering yourself to the point that life is hampered.

Anyway, I'm not saying it would "heal" every victim, but for me, with someone I trust 100%, it helped (and is damned fun). B insists I 'had it in me' with everyday life and just refused to acknowledge it when it came to anything sexual, but that doesn't mean every victim would or does or should. Also very important is, even taking the rape victim issue out of the equation, different people like different things - like broccoli, or hybrid cars, or whatever - and what works for one person doesn't always work for the next. It doesn't automatically make it horrible or wrong.

 

[chy_girl]

I hate how many people on this board have been raped. It makes me sad everytime it gets talked about. The number of people on this board who have been raped should be 0.

But look at how many strong and courageous people we have, too.

 

[geeraff]

But look at how many strong and courageous people we have, too.

Yes we do as much as I wish rape would go away forever I look back and don't think I'd change a thing about 8th grade other than maybe letting him get away with it. It shaped a lot of who I am today and I know I wouldn't have dropped out of high school and dropped the military if being in a school building didn't stress me out so much and I wouldn't have my husband and I also wouldn't have my little boy.

 

[rosco rathbone]

BDSM is a safety valve for me.

I'd never actually rape anyone--that would be wrong to do. But I definitely want to, and this frustrated desire causes tension & stress to build up.

Rape play releases pressure and allows the mechanism to function properly again.

 

[bridgeburner]

"As a child clinical psychologist, I have been recommending weighted blankets and lap pads for my patients for many years in order to help with sleep problems. Not only are the blankets useful for children with Autistic Spectrum Disorders and children with Attention Deficit Disorder, I have found them to help children with anxiety disorders as well as children who just have difficulty with falling asleep. These blankets are superior to others offered in that the weights do not shift, and the workmanship is outstanding".
Nancie R. Spector, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist​

Found Here.

This is cool --- I love the weight of blankets. I'm thrilled because it's cold enough here to break out the cowhide for the season and I pile it over a couple of comforters -- one of them is down.

I've stayed with friends who have the lighweight but heavy-warmth down comforters and while I know that I'm warm, I'm unnerved by the lack of weight to the covering.

In summer the heat overcomes my need for the weight, but if I have my druthers, I keep the room down around arctic levels and then pile the blankets on anyway. '->

 

[bridgeburner]

I saw that. I meant your opening post. 50 posts IS new, some of the trolls around here rack up significantly more before disappearing. I know how 50 posts can flash by, though I personally tend to post much much less, most of the time. Actually, past patterns show that I tend to use Lit seasonally, with this year being something of an exception.

I was just noticing that you've been here longer and post even less than I do and yet I consider us both regulars even if we're scarce.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

This is cool --- I love the weight of blankets. I'm thrilled because it's cold enough here to break out the cowhide for the season and I pile it over a couple of comforters -- one of them is down.

I've stayed with friends who have the lighweight but heavy-warmth down comforters and while I know that I'm warm, I'm unnerved by the lack of weight to the covering.

In summer the heat overcomes my need for the weight, but if I have my druthers, I keep the room down around arctic levels and then pile the blankets on anyway. '->

I'm the complete opposite. I'd rather a warmish room and lightweight cover. I can't even stand using a top sheet with the doona, I feel all smothered and restrained in unsexy ways.

Yet I *do* rather like bondage. And being held tightly. Just not when I'm sleeping!

 

[graceanne]

This is cool --- I love the weight of blankets. I'm thrilled because it's cold enough here to break out the cowhide for the season and I pile it over a couple of comforters -- one of them is down.

I've stayed with friends who have the lighweight but heavy-warmth down comforters and while I know that I'm warm, I'm unnerved by the lack of weight to the covering.

In summer the heat overcomes my need for the weight, but if I have my druthers, I keep the room down around arctic levels and then pile the blankets on anyway. '->

Me, too. LOL I'd have a fan in the window all winter, and all the blankets piled on the bed if K would let me. I was researching this for my son, and combined with what I've learned about restraints in psych wards, it definitely made me look at strict bondage in a different light.

 

[where]

how so?

see Stag's post.

because you're new, your fist post was somewhat inflamatory (though honestly not that bad) and you appeared to have vanished for a good chunk of the first page. It's possible she doubts the veracity of your story. Doesn't really matter, you came back, read up, and shared a bit. Another fifty posts or so and you'll be a "regular of the forum"

Don't mind Kybele, she's been hunting trolls to denounce all over the board lately (well... ok, a couple other threads anyway). Whatevers gotten her riled enough to tell off n00bs, she's essentially doing us a service, you incuded, for which I'm grateful. A little troll hunting is good for the forum, and I never seem to spot them myself.

Are you e-stalking me?

OK, I may be being cranky and spending too long on the GB may make me hyper-suspicious of noobs who make inflammatory posts.

If it's straight up, Geeraff, then I'm sorry for your experience and suspecting you of being a troll.

I saw that. I meant your opening post. 50 posts IS new, some of the trolls around here rack up significantly more before disappearing. I know how 50 posts can flash by, though I personally tend to post much much less, most of the time. Actually, past patterns show that I tend to use Lit seasonally, with this year being something of an exception.

On the GB, we notice that the worst trolls usually bang up a couple of hundred posts all over the boards before they get right into troll mode.

 

[geeraff]

BDSM is a safety valve for me.

I'd never actually rape anyone--that would be wrong to do. But I definitely want to, and this frustrated desire causes tension & stress to build up.

Rape play releases pressure and allows the mechanism to function properly again.

Ah I see its like the paradigm where the church goes around saying pedophiles look at kiddy porn and rapist watch porn all the time and all affairs start with porn and society likes to paint that picture. But you do your research and in actuality persons who look at child porn are less likely to molest a child. porn has no correlation with the rate of affair. And people who regularly look at porn and aren't told its bad are less likely to commit sex crimes (Look Japans nonexistent sex crime rate). Rape play while to the ignorant lot may seem indicative of a rapist in reality it prevents rape....well then play away.

 

[neci]

Ah I see its like the paradigm where the church goes around saying pedophiles look at kiddy porn and rapist watch porn all the time and all affairs start with porn and society likes to paint that picture. But you do your research and in actuality persons who look at child porn are less likely to molest a child. porn has no correlation with the rate of affair. And people who regularly look at porn and aren't told its bad are less likely to commit sex crimes (Look Japans nonexistent sex crime rate). Rape play while to the ignorant lot may seem indicative of a rapist in reality it prevents rape....well then play away.

first of all, i admire your courage to post here and your willingness to learn about a lifestyle which is hard for you to understand. i don't want to jump on you, but i do want to point out that there is a correlation between child porn and child molestations. numerous studies have been done in prisons with sex offenders - both incarcerated for child pornography and actual child molestation.

During their participation in the SOTP, subjects across all three of the groups reported additional sexual crimes that had not been detected by law enforcement. Sixty-two percent of the men convicted of noncontact sexual offenses (such as possession of child pornography) admitted to having committed undetected contact offenses in the past. The presentencing reports of these men revealed fifty-five prior sex offenses involving contact, but this study revealed an additional 1,379 sex crimes that had never been detected by the criminal justice system

Strong Medicine: Toward Effective Sentencing Of Child Pornography Offenders

i don't know of any studies about rape play and actual rape. pedophilia and BDSM are completely separate topics. be careful when grouping them together.

 

[geeraff]

first of all, i admire your courage to post here and your willingness to learn about a lifestyle which is hard for you to understand. i don't want to jump on you, but i do want to point out that there is a correlation between child porn and child molestations. numerous studies have been done in prisons with sex offenders - both incarcerated for child pornography and actual child molestation.


Strong Medicine: Toward Effective Sentencing Of Child Pornography Offenders

i don't know of any studies about rape play and actual rape. pedophilia and BDSM are completely separate topics. be careful when grouping them together.

oops. Wasn't my intent just citing examples.

 

[where]

Ah I see its like the paradigm where the church goes around saying pedophiles look at kiddy porn and rapist watch porn all the time and all affairs start with porn and society likes to paint that picture. But you do your research and in actuality persons who look at child porn are less likely to molest a child. porn has no correlation with the rate of affair. And people who regularly look at porn and aren't told its bad are less likely to commit sex crimes (Look Japans nonexistent sex crime rate). Rape play while to the ignorant lot may seem indicative of a rapist in reality it prevents rape....well then play away.

there is actually some evidence supporting the idea that pornography reduces sexual assault, but you are completely wrong to use japan as an example.

japan has a 'non-existent' sex crime rate because it is extremely proscriptive in how it defines sexual assault. It has to literally be cock in cunt and the victim has to be able to demonstrate that she physically resisted. Her name is made public (or used to be... I do think they have changed the law on that one) and she can expect to be interrogated about her sexual history. Additionally, it has to be proved that the rapist actually intended to harm the victim. so even if the victim is not consenting and is raped in HER mind, if the rapist claims he believed the victim wanted to be have sex with him, even violent sex, then no rape occurs. This makes women reluctant to report rapes. Even when perpetrators video the rapes and post them on the internet, they are very seldom charged.

 

[YourCaptor]

Why, because it makes emotions run high, adds more excitement.

This is like someone with a fear of heights wondering why people get on roller coasters.

 

[o2bebd]

Understanding?

I am new here and would not usually post and have thought long and hard about replying to this one, but I feel I can no longer let this woman rattle on with out a comment from fe. I am normally quiet and reserved, but this thread had me pissed off.
Point 1. You entered a fetish website that had a warning label of its content, ignored the label and entered. You joined the website and posted 57 times and started this LAME ASS thread and then want understanding because you do not understand our choices. Uh huh.
Point 2. I never thought I would disclose this about myself on this website, but if if helps one, just one LIT member, then I am happy. When I was 18 I was kidnapped and gang raped. I did not go through therapy when it first happened, because I had a severe head injury and was drugged. I justed wanted to get on with my life. I went to therapy when I was about 35 because I started having nightmares. I have always been blessed with sleep. I could not sleep. Then, the nightmares started happening while I was awake (flashbacks). I immediately sought help. I went to the library and checked out every book I could get my hands on, I went to individual therapy, group therapy, art therapy, you name it. And the best part, the majority of it was free. You can look it up in the phone book. I am in St Louis. We have the YWCA and Safe Connections. I have went to programs at both. They are funded by United Way. Basically, what I am saying, is it was a hard time for me and I am MUCH better emotionally and a better person for it. I don't regret it.
Point 3. You have basically scared off visitors and newbies to our site who don't have the confidence yet to know that what they feel, want and desire is normal. And what we feel, want and desire is normal. If you can not see that there is a lot of us out here, look around.
Basically, get some help. From what you have described, you are suffering from PTSD from rape and you need professional help. You have maladaptive coping stratigies and have just angered a whole community that is based on love, support, and understanding on another.

 

[o2bebd]

The number should be 0

I hate how many people on this board have been raped. It makes me sad everytime it gets talked about. The number of people on this board who have been raped should be 0.

The national average is that 1 in 4 women in their life time will be sexually assaulted. Think of it, that is your grandma, your mom, your sister, your wife, your daughter, etc.
The national average is that 1 in 10 men in their life time will be sexually assaulted.

Just thought everyone would like some numbers this morning. That is why we see so many. We are just within the national average and we talk about it.

Hugs and kissses

 

[geeraff]

I am new here and would not usually post and have thought long and hard about replying to this one, but I feel I can no longer let this woman rattle on with out a comment from fe. I am normally quiet and reserved, but this thread had me pissed off.
Point 1. You entered a fetish website that had a warning label of its content, ignored the label and entered. You joined the website and posted 57 times and started this LAME ASS thread and then want understanding because you do not understand our choices. Uh huh.
Point 2. I never thought I would disclose this about myself on this website, but if if helps one, just one LIT member, then I am happy. When I was 18 I was kidnapped and gang raped. I did not go through therapy when it first happened, because I had a severe head injury and was drugged. I justed wanted to get on with my life. I went to therapy when I was about 35 because I started having nightmares. I have always been blessed with sleep. I could not sleep. Then, the nightmares started happening while I was awake (flashbacks). I immediately sought help. I went to the library and checked out every book I could get my hands on, I went to individual therapy, group therapy, art therapy, you name it. And the best part, the majority of it was free. You can look it up in the phone book. I am in St Louis. We have the YWCA and Safe Connections. I have went to programs at both. They are funded by United Way. Basically, what I am saying, is it was a hard time for me and I am MUCH better emotionally and a better person for it. I don't regret it.
Point 3. You have basically scared off visitors and newbies to our site who don't have the confidence yet to know that what they feel, want and desire is normal. And what we feel, want and desire is normal. If you can not see that there is a lot of us out here, look around.
Basically, get some help. From what you have described, you are suffering from PTSD from rape and you need professional help. You have maladaptive coping stratigies and have just angered a whole community that is based on love, support, and understanding on another.

I am sorry this angered you but read the read the thread there were plenty here who were not angered and answered my questions. This isn't a fetish site its a site where you can talk about sex the majority of my posts are in GBLT This is my only post in BDSM. The posts made from people who were not angered were helpful and helped me to see things from their point of view. I know I have PTSD I don't have flashbacks anymore thanks to therapy. I still have a long road of healing and this was a step for me. To accept the people who willing play like what I went through. I am much wiser because of Stag and ravenwoods replies in particular. I see this as no different than if someone posted in the GBLT that they didn't get the whole gay thing or how someone could be bi. I would explain it to them from my POV. If it angers you then don't respond. Or at least read the thread as you will see several points where I find myself more and more accepting.

 

[JMohegan]

And more for the people who have Dom/ master fantasies do you dream of doing these things for real?

I have had violent rape fantasies ever since puberty hit.

More sustained, lock her up and keep her against her will, slave fantasies don't interest me.

Would you if it was legal?

No. If it were legal, I would be spending all my time and energy working to change the law.

 

[o2bebd]

I am sorry this angered you but read the read the thread there were plenty here who were not angered and answered my questions. This isn't a fetish site its a site where you can talk about sex the majority of my posts are in GBLT This is my only post in BDSM. The posts made from people who were not angered were helpful and helped me to see things from their point of view. I know I have PTSD I don't have flashbacks anymore thanks to therapy. I still have a long road of healing and this was a step for me. To accept the people who willing play like what I went through. I am much wiser because of Stag and ravenwoods replies in particular. I see this as no different than if someone posted in the GBLT that they didn't get the whole gay thing or how someone could be bi. I would explain it to them from my POV. If it angers you then don't respond. Or at least read the thread as you will see several points where I find myself more and more accepting.

The reason your thread angers me is that you came to us looking for understanding, but instead of simply asking a question, you blasted us out of the water and told us that we disgust you as an entire group of people. And, yes this is a Fetish website. You have to be over 18 to enter and we talk about sex that is out of the "vanilla" form. But, seeing as you don't know what that is, I am not going to explain it to you, it would only disgust you. To say that I am anger, is an understatement. I don't get angry. It took me this long to post a reply. You are not accepting of others or of the way that we chose to live our lives. I am sorry. Also, If you have been through therapy for PTSD and/or rape, you would know ways to reduce your anxiety in the bedroom when your husband is trying to try a different position. I have been there, done that. You can not fake me out on this. Sorry.

 

[where]

The reason your thread angers me is that you came to us looking for understanding, but instead of simply asking a question, you blasted us out of the water and told us that we disgust you as an entire group of people. And, yes this is a Fetish website. You have to be over 18 to enter and we talk about sex that is out of the "vanilla" form. But, seeing as you don't know what that is, I am not going to explain it to you, it would only disgust you. To say that I am anger, is an understatement. I don't get angry. It took me this long to post a reply. You are not accepting of others or of the way that we chose to live our lives. I am sorry. Also, If you have been through therapy for PTSD and/or rape, you would know ways to reduce your anxiety in the bedroom when your husband is trying to try a different position. I have been there, done that. You can not fake me out on this. Sorry.

whilst I appreciate your views on this, I'm not sure I appreciate there being an 'us'. this is a diverse forum made up of diverse views and whilst I'm not entirely convinced by the OP, she has neither offended nor angered me, so please do not presume to speak for me in your arguments.