A poem called As I Read I Cum

[Rogueslady]

pardon me, for the soapbox spiel here
one of the quickest easiest way to improve is to read others
and then ask why did you like it, why did you not like it
why do others like it, or not
and steal copiously, not the words, the techniques

Thank you I will keep that in mind.

 

[Rogueslady]

to be perfectly honest, RL, i'm struggling with your writes - but that's down to me and personal preferences of content/styling. not everyone will like the same things, and almost everyone starts off just getting down the essence of what they want to say with little or no understanding of how best to say it.

there is something i'd suggest to try, just to see where it takes your thoughts as you write: try taking a step back from being so much 'in' the poem - just as an experiment. challenge yourself to write about it from another's point of view, or about a scene where there are no people involved - like a forest scene and a falling tree, that kind of thing. that's not to say personal writing can't be good, because it can. very. but it's hard to find the right balance, and all experimentation is worth it as a learning tool.

i would say there're some small improvements; you can build on these by writing again and again BUT, as importantly (if not more), read others and really give some thought as to why you like a certain phrase or line. by reading and commenting on the work of other people, it helps clarify things in your own head which helps when you write.

when you read others, look at where they break a line - sound it out, ask yourself (or the author) 'why there?' take a look at an image, and see if the image is a metaphor, or a simile. read lines aloud, listen for how certain sounds might run across several verses, tying them together - or how the sibilance of s's lends itself to the mood, or the hard sounds like A punctuate and draw attention in specific places.

when i first wrote, and for many years afterwards, all i cared about was letting the words out. maybe this is something we all go through. time, application, and thinking about why stuff works helps our writing as much as writing the words themselves.


above all, keep forging ahead.

Thank you very much I will try as you have suggested. Thank you for reading my poems.

 

[Rogueslady]

How you make me feel
byRogueslady©
How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
You make my heart sing,
You brighten my day,
Communicating with you is real,
Spending time with you is sheer bliss,
My feelings on a string,
That goes up and attaches to the sun’s ray.

How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
Being safe in your arms,
Cuddling and snuggling with you,
Keeps the nightmares at bay,
I will make you a deal,
For just one kiss,
You keep me from all harms,
I promise I will try to keep from being blue,
And do as you say.

How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
You make me happy,
You make me feel like a special someone,
You have my heart’s seal,
Without you in my life these times I will miss,
You make me peppy,
You are more special to me than anyone.

 

[Rogueslady]

Simply You
Ever since I met you,
my days have gotten brighter,
just because you are you,
feeling like our friendship has gotten tighter.

From the first time I seen the sparkle in your eyes,
Made me just want to smile,
Even Hugh Jackson pales in comparison to those gorgeous eyes,
For you I am willing to go the extra mile.

I like the way you wear your hair,
You make me smile when I am blue,
Maybe someday we can go to the county fair,
Thanks for being you.

 

[Setanta84]

Let's go through these.

How you make me feel, <-- When writing lines like this, ask yourself what work the line is doing, if any. If you want the speaker of the poem to convey feeling, don't go with the preamble. Demonstrate, don't tell. A narrative/epistolary poem, like a song in a musical, is similar to a one act play. In both instances, you develop an idea to its conclusion--and in both instances showing instead of telling is death.

Is simply this. If deleting a line from a poem does not affect the poem one way or another, it does not justify its existence.

You make my heart sing, <--This is kind of cliche. Think of another way to express this kind of sentiment, a way you may express it in speech--and only you.

You brighten my day, <-- Same deal here.

Communicating with you is real, <-- This is not only another purely expository line, it's an expository line that says nothing.

Spending time with you is sheer bliss, <-- How?

My feelings on a string, <-- Develop this in a separate piece of writing. Unpack it. It's the one thing in this stanza so far that seems like it might have something to say.

That goes up and attaches to the sun’s ray. <-- This actually has something going on--it creates an image--but I'm just not sure what the stanza overall does.

How you make me feel <-- Also, a line should be especially strong if you are going to use it as a refrain. A generic line of writing, regardless of form, is bad. Repeating it over and over is not going to do you favors.

Is simply this: <--You like the word 'simply.' It might be a benefit to you to work out why that is and how to use the word effectively by working that out in a separate piece that's just for you. The least it could do is get you to write more. Ideally, it would help you develop your voice as well.

Being safe in your arms, <--I think this is the best stanza in the piece so far. Nearly every line does something to justify its being. It could use close reading, like the others, but this is improvement.

Cuddling and snuggling with you,
Keeps the nightmares at bay,
I will make you a deal,
For just one kiss,
You keep me from all harms,
I promise I will try to keep from being blue,
And do as you say.


How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
You make me happy,
You make me feel like a special someone,
You have my heart’s seal,
Without you in my life these times I will miss,
You make me peppy,
You are more special to me than anyone.


"Simply You"

Ever since I met you,
my days have gotten brighter, <-- Rethink the first two lines, for reasons similar to those stated above.

just because you are you, <-- No. Just--no.

feeling like our friendship has gotten tighter. <-- Unless you are nakedly creating a metaphor--and have a very good reason for doing that--words like 'like' and 'very' are best avoided. In verse, every word counts. If you were in a fight with words, would you want 'like' and 'very' on your side in that fight?

From the first time I seen the sparkle in your eyes, <-- This stanza has an obsession with cliche. Print the stanza out and break it down as a writing exercise. Are there different ways of conveying what you want to convey? Are there better, more concrete or vivid ways of doing that?

Made me just want to smile,
Even Hugh Jackson pales in comparison to those gorgeous eyes,
For you I am willing to go the extra mile.

I like the way you wear your hair, <--- Following suit with this stanza would not hurt.
You make me smile when I am blue,
Maybe someday we can go to the county fair,
Thanks for being you.

Hopefully, this hasn't come across as too harsh and comes across as encouraging you to ready our own work closely and ask questions. There are two exercises that might help you--or, rather, a two part exercise.

1) Commit to writing one poem a day. It doesn't have to be a substantial poem. It could be something like a cinquain or haiku. Just commit to writing one each day.

2) However, earn writing that poem. How? Think of established poets you like, collections those poets have published, poets who influenced those poets, their collection, and poetry journals you like. Use that to make your own reading list. Then, commit to reading at least 10 poems from those sources for every poem you write.

If you do that, by the end of a year, you'll have written 365 new poems and read at least 3650 poems new to you. It will make you a better reader and writer, which are connected..

 

[Rogueslady]

Let's go through these.

How you make me feel, <-- When writing lines like this, ask yourself what work the line is doing, if any. If you want the speaker of the poem to convey feeling, don't go with the preamble. Demonstrate, don't tell. A narrative/epistolary poem, like a song in a musical, is similar to a one act play. In both instances, you develop an idea to its conclusion--and in both instances showing instead of telling is death.

Is simply this. If deleting a line from a poem does not affect the poem one way or another, it does not justify its existence.

You make my heart sing, <--This is kind of cliche. Think of another way to express this kind of sentiment, a way you may express it in speech--and only you.

You brighten my day, <-- Same deal here.

Communicating with you is real, <-- This is not only another purely expository line, it's an expository line that says nothing.

Spending time with you is sheer bliss, <-- How?

My feelings on a string, <-- Develop this in a separate piece of writing. Unpack it. It's the one thing in this stanza so far that seems like it might have something to say.

That goes up and attaches to the sun’s ray. <-- This actually has something going on--it creates an image--but I'm just not sure what the stanza overall does.

How you make me feel <-- Also, a line should be especially strong if you are going to use it as a refrain. A generic line of writing, regardless of form, is bad. Repeating it over and over is not going to do you favors.

Is simply this: <--You like the word 'simply.' It might be a benefit to you to work out why that is and how to use the word effectively by working that out in a separate piece that's just for you. The least it could do is get you to write more. Ideally, it would help you develop your voice as well.

Being safe in your arms, <--I think this is the best stanza in the piece so far. Nearly every line does something to justify its being. It could use close reading, like the others, but this is improvement.

Cuddling and snuggling with you,
Keeps the nightmares at bay,
I will make you a deal,
For just one kiss,
You keep me from all harms,
I promise I will try to keep from being blue,
And do as you say.


How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
You make me happy,
You make me feel like a special someone,
You have my heart’s seal,
Without you in my life these times I will miss,
You make me peppy,
You are more special to me than anyone.


"Simply You"

Ever since I met you,
my days have gotten brighter, <-- Rethink the first two lines, for reasons similar to those stated above.

just because you are you, <-- No. Just--no.

feeling like our friendship has gotten tighter. <-- Unless you are nakedly creating a metaphor--and have a very good reason for doing that--words like 'like' and 'very' are best avoided. In verse, every word counts. If you were in a fight with words, would you want 'like' and 'very' on your side in that fight?

From the first time I seen the sparkle in your eyes, <-- This stanza has an obsession with cliche. Print the stanza out and break it down as a writing exercise. Are there different ways of conveying what you want to convey? Are there better, more concrete or vivid ways of doing that?

Made me just want to smile,
Even Hugh Jackson pales in comparison to those gorgeous eyes,
For you I am willing to go the extra mile.

I like the way you wear your hair, <--- Following suit with this stanza would not hurt.
You make me smile when I am blue,
Maybe someday we can go to the county fair,
Thanks for being you.

Hopefully, this hasn't come across as too harsh and comes across as encouraging you to ready our own work closely and ask questions. There are two exercises that might help you--or, rather, a two part exercise.

1) Commit to writing one poem a day. It doesn't have to be a substantial poem. It could be something like a cinquain or haiku. Just commit to writing one each day.

2) However, earn writing that poem. How? Think of established poets you like, collections those poets have published, poets who influenced those poets, their collection, and poetry journals you like. Use that to make your own reading list. Then, commit to reading at least 10 poems from those sources for every poem you write.

If you do that, by the end of a year, you'll have written 365 new poems and read at least 3650 poems new to you. It will make you a better reader and writer, which are connected..

It is not too harsh I am trying to become a better writer, and I do like reading however I don't know a lot about poetry. I think that I understand what you are saying. Can you tell me if these are wrote okay for the examples you suggested?

cinquain:

Cock
hot, hard
kissing, licking, sucking
in and out of my mouth
irresistible


haiku:

I like sucking cock
it brings me and you pleasure
bringing us orgasms

 

[nicknude]

Let me know what ya'll think please.


You write things and I read it,
the more detailed you get,
the more excited I become.
You write about stroking to keep fit,
the more I wonder what would happen if we ever met?
Still I stay home.
The dirtier you write,
the more I play,
Do you ever drink rum?
you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,
With my pussy I play as I read I cum.

I just came. To your words. To you. Thank you.

 

[Rogueslady]

I just came. To your words. To you. Thank you.

Thank you for reading it.

 

[dream33_2]

Wow really hot and to the point ..

 

[Rogueslady]

Wow really hot and to the point ..

Thank you very much!

 

[Rogueslady]

Life is always changing,
From good to bad,
From bad to good,
Situations very,
As days go by,
Range from awkward to very forward,
Love once it is achieved,
It is given and received freely,
No strings attached,
Although it comes with commitment and obligations,
That is not yours,
But if you choose to take on these burdens,
As some might see them as,
Things no longer are a burden,
Love is mine to give freely,
With no expectations and no commitments,
Just a true friend for life,
In order to live and survive,
You can’t not accept what is given freely and in whole.

 

[dirtyolman68]

How you make me feel
byRogueslady©
How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
You make my heart sing,
You brighten my day,
Communicating with you is real,
Spending time with you is sheer bliss,
My feelings on a string,
That goes up and attaches to the sun’s ray.

How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
Being safe in your arms,
Cuddling and snuggling with you,
Keeps the nightmares at bay,
I will make you a deal,
For just one kiss,
You keep me from all harms,
I promise I will try to keep from being blue,
And do as you say.

How you make me feel,
Is simply this:
You make me happy,
You make me feel like a special someone,
You have my heart’s seal,
Without you in my life these times I will miss,
You make me peppy,
You are more special to me than anyone.

I really enjoyed this one. As in your stories, there is a passion that you present that reads between the lines. Words alone don't tell a story. Your arrangements are truly unique. Your signature is your passion. It's the same in all that i have read by you thus far. Poetry is a beast to conquer. My hat is off to you. I would not personally try to take on this task of publicly displaying poetry. Well done! Keep it up!

 

[RunningJib]

Please explain

Let me know what ya'll think please.


You write things and I read it,
the more detailed you get,
the more excited I become.
You write about stroking to keep fit,
the more I wonder what would happen if we ever met?
Still I stay home.
The dirtier you write,
the more I play,
Do you ever drink rum?
you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,
With my pussy I play as I read I cum.

Please explain "Do you ever drink rum?"

 

[Rogueslady]

I really enjoyed this one. As in your stories, there is a passion that you present that reads between the lines. Words alone don't tell a story. Your arrangements are truly unique. Your signature is your passion. It's the same in all that i have read by you thus far. Poetry is a beast to conquer. My hat is off to you. I would not personally try to take on this task of publicly displaying poetry. Well done! Keep it up!

Thank you kind sir not only just reading my poem, but your kind words.

 

[Rogueslady]

Please explain "Do you ever drink rum?"

Simply because I wanted to know and it rhymed with the rest of the lines that ended in the um sound.

 

[dirtyolman68]

Thank you kind sir not only just reading my poem, but your kind words.

As always, a pleasure mlady.

 

[Rogueslady]

As life passes us by,
As fast as cars and trains,
Almost to the point where it could fly,
Sometimes as light as the air around the airplanes,
We should take the time,
To enjoy life,
To take and enjoy our delights but not crime,
Deny evil and strife,
Time on a busy day,
To stop and smell the roses,
In the country where the horses gallop and neigh,
To show love in a simple way as rubbing noses,
Express your love,
With tenderness and care,
peaceful like a dove,
Fill your heart with as much as you can bear.

 

[Rogueslady]

As I sit here waiting patiently,
Watching and taking in what I see,
I am not easily fooled,
As things may be hard to do,
In the long run I know what is good for me,
My heart will not be fooled,
In the end that is what I need to do,
I gotta live my life,
Happy and carefree.

 

[dirtyolman68]

I like the direction these last 2 entries take. They have good rhythm. They feel good.

 

[Rogueslady]

I like the direction these last 2 entries take. They have good rhythm. They feel good.

Thank you kind sir.

 

[dirtyolman68]

you're very welcome mlady!

 

[Rogueslady]

you're very welcome mlady!

blushes

 

[Rogueslady]

Your Cock
Nervous at first,
When I seen it,
Your cock was standing there,
So proud and tall,
I knew I just had to,
I dove for it,
Licking your piss-hole,
Around the seam,
Of your thick cock head,
Making you smile,
Taking it in my mouth,
Sucking nice and slow,
Working just the head,
Of your throbbing cock,
Licking down the smooth side,
Down to your balls,
Licking them making them wet,
With my tongue,
Sucking each one into my mouth,
Rolling it around with my tongue,
Giving your balls,
The proper greeting,
Leaving them wet,
As my tongue leaves,
My hand comes to play,
While my tongue travels,
Licking up your stiff cock,
Teasing your cock head once again,
Slowly sliding your cock,
Into my hot mouth,
Working my way,
Down a bit,
Then to the top,
Over and over again,
Inching my mouth,
Farther down on your dancing cock,
Until I am at the base,
Deep throating your cock,
Then to the tip,
Zooming down,
Slowly up,
Again and again,
Speeding up,
Sucking harder,
Going deeper,
Til your cock,
Explodes in my mouth,
Giving me the reward,
I seek,
Quenching my thirst,
Still I go,
Not wanting it to end,
I could suck,
Your cock,
Over and over,
Every day if I could,
Knowing stolen moments,
Are the best,
More tempting,
Never doubt,
This I tell you,
I will never tire,
Of sucking,
Your cock.

 

[daddymean]

Create images which illustrate your emotions or what is happening.

you dick as hard as a high kite,
wanting just a great lay,

His dick isn't as high as a kite, you are, his dick is like a forged canon or something, invading your citadel, his weight pressing down on you, forcing you to surrender and like Waterloo (remember the song), you feel like you win when you lose.

I disagree. I think the poem used a good mixed metaphor as poems are wont to do

 

[bronzeage]

I disagree. I think the poem used a good mixed metaphor as poems are wont to do

you dick as hard as a high kite

It's not a mixed metaphor, it's not actually a metaphor.

This is a simile.