a sci-fi work in progress..

[twelveoone]

Blue, here I would start consolidating, toss out, or justify words, to frame a solid scene. A story from A to B to C.
i.e barren wasteland, neon skin, vigilant yet vacantI see no reason for barren in front of wasteland, see no reason for skin being neon. Explain how vigilant can be vacent.
This is a tough one, it largely lies outside the "hands" test. i.e can you touch it? The visuals are not common evocations.

These two sections are the most concrete, begin to work them out, build around them

to feel the hunger
and loose the
hands of her
stone cutter

once again she is a castaway
strewn to this barren wasteland
without the feathery touch of
his winged embrace

i.e what is the realtionship between stone cutter and pillars

 

[bluerains]

Blue, here I would start consolidating, toss out, or justify words, to frame a solid scene. A story from A to B to C.
i.e barren wasteland, neon skin, vigilant yet vacantI see no reason for barren in front of wasteland, see no reason for skin being neon. Explain how vigilant can be vacent.
This is a tough one, it largely lies outside the "hands" test. i.e can you touch it? The visuals are not common evocations.

These two sections are the most concrete, begin to work them out, build around them

 

[quietpoet]

ok:
worked a little bit today...still more to ponder...thanks qp..for the fish too...1201
really value your time....smiles/blue

winding through
paralyzing fear
she was stolen away
cast from
her terrace
toward a dark surf

vapor trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides
raged

held within stellar
pillars glowing
her eyes
captured glimpses
of a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

current and gravity
danced in metamorphosis
unshakled by time
a platform shifts
into the center
of a disk with
marble carved crystals
her outline spread
whirling with indigo rays

rushing headlong
into perilous energy
ignited by prisms
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

its distant hums
still stirring arcane
echoes of yesteryear
Rumination and
spiraling death
chants
still mark the
path to fields
born from Orbs
and Orca

here he had kissed her lips
imbued starstoned awareness
as llumined comrades
mocked by desire and wisdom
turning diagonal pendulum
with slanted sphinx eyes
tapping wind chimes in beat

through braids of light bled
she'd been forged from blue swirls
in his image descent
transitory vessels now
figments enshrined
in shadowed memory

intergalactic energy minds
collide as she clones
his spawn to animation
a protean soliloquy
claims her realm

waves rising from
the deep in curls
of kelp unlock
the caged voice
ancestors hum
in rhythm

moving beyond
colors of earth and sky
to feel the hunger
and loose the
hands of her
stone cutter
she lay down amist
woven songs of Luna
dreaming on wisps of
burnt passion

why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday

awakened by the side
of a cold sea
pulse raging
inside her head
skin naked in
the dawns mist

images of a winged
bird wrap around
her bruised shoulders
jeweled stare vacant

once again she is a castaway
strewn to this wasteland
without the feathery touch of
his winged embrace and splendor
of sexual serenade

here she must keep the secret
living beneath charged meridians
that transends the heart beyond
the bounds of human

for a mere mortal can only
drown in barren sea of tears
chasing his elusive dreams

This section is missing a response, the question seems a good one!

why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday

I would work a bit on the ending and find a word for sexual that isn't quite as common! It is going good!! QP

 

[twelveoone]

This section is missing a response, the question seems a good one!

why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday

I would work a bit on the ending and find a word for sexual that isn't quite as common! It is going good!! QP

sensual - I don't think you want the X sound, nothing wrong with common words, the more the better, at times it is even good to use near cliches. Here you are asking the audience to go into unfamiliar territory, it is easier for them if it is more familiar. Also begin to set up patterns, you have a lot of "sea" here, if you wish to continue this do so, ocean, sea, waves . Pillars, columns , you can get alot of play with waves, etc.
You grow roses? Prune, right? You want the big bloom.
I'll give you two examples, click on my Just link, count the number of times the word "just" is in that thing, not one of them has anything to do with justice. Angeline has a poem "nightengale" count the number of "I sang". It registers.Different intents. "just" is a ironic joke in mine, the bird singing is the whole purpose of her poem.
If I am reading this right, you may wish to do this with waves ,tides . In something like this you need threads running though it. Just a thought. i.e.

why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday

lets change this a little
why she had been lead
to eden unburdened (unseared?)
by the tide of tommorrow
or the frozen waves of memory
(don't really need yesterday, and these may be cliches, but done for illustration purposes)
thesaurus - wave

 

[bluerains]

lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday

lets change this a little
why she had been lead
to eden unburdened (unseared?)
by the tide of tommorrow
or the frozen waves of memory
(don't really need yesterday, and these may be cliches, but done for illustration purposes)
thesaurus - wave[/QUOTE]

sorry no can use unburdened here...has to be unburned or such...because of movement ...of spirit...ie past present future....but,,,I will find a better way to express...thanks...blue

 

[twelveoone]

nothing wrong with unburned, me missreading intent
blue, I aplogise, just the way I work, poke here, poke there, walk around with it, then I begin to see (if I do) then it begins to come together, writing by fermentation

 

[bluerains]

thanks! 1201

nothing wrong with unburned, me missreading intent
blue, I aplogise, just the way I work, poke here, poke there, walk around with it, then I begin to see (if I do) then it begins to come together, writing by fermentation

worked some more in ...when you see where its going let me know..for am shifting the muse in four directions....blue

 

[quietpoet]

maybe a few edits?

through braids of light bled
birds of prey emerge
from blue swirls
in mystical descent
transitory vessels devouring
figments enshrined
in shadowed memory

"bled" and 'emerge' both have different meanings, you can't really have both in that phrase (I like "bled")




images of a winged
bird wrap around
her bruised shoulders
chilled in a
jeweled vacant stare

Not sure if i like the last line here. Vacant implies empty, yet there are images there, why jeweled?

It is coming along really well!!!

QP

[/QUOTE]

 

[Zanzibar]

worked some more in ...when you see where its going let me know..for am shifting the muse in four directions....blue

why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday or
had she risen from ashes
of today awakened inside
an unknown pulse raging
by a cold calm sea
desperate to shed this
foreign husk glowing
through dawns mist

A really interesting work. I worked my way through the last few pages and saw something that jumped out at me. I saw you've been embracing the challenge associated with this strophe and I thought I'd offer a comment.

unburned by the heat of tomorrow or frozen by memories of yesterday isn't consistent in it's effects. Is it that way by design. Unburned and frozen conflict with one another, unburned and unfrozen, or perhaps

...unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
and unscathed by frozen memories (or freezing/frigid memories)
of yesterday....

I'm working to not offer direct rewrites, but I couldn't come up with a way to get my impression across any other way. One of my foibles...

Looking forward to seeing this in it's final form!

~Z

 

[bluerains]

through braids of light bled
birds of prey emerge
from blue swirls
in mystical descent
transitory vessels devouring
figments enshrined
in shadowed memory

"bled" and 'emerge' both have different meanings, you can't really have both in that phrase (I like "bled")
I was just feeling out the word..I may just poof it..thanks



images of a winged
bird wrap around
her bruised shoulders
chilled in a
jeweled vacant stare

Not sure if i like the last line here. Vacant implies empty, yet there are images there, why jeweled? yeh...I am workin on that too...maybe this evening thanks... blue

It is coming along really well!!!

QP

[/QUOTE]

 

[bluerains]

unscathed

or such would be right in there...I just could not wrap my mind around another word other than frozen...its opposite of burn...you know how creatures of habit just can't get it going some time.. this will change my flow now...I was stuck ..thanks so much ...big smile...
blue

worked some more in ...when you see where its going let me know..for am shifting the muse in four directions....blue

why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
or frozen by memories
of yesterday or
had she risen from ashes
of today awakened inside
an unknown pulse raging
by a cold calm sea
desperate to shed this
foreign husk glowing
through dawns mist

A really interesting work. I worked my way through the last few pages and saw something that jumped out at me. I saw you've been embracing the challenge associated with this strophe and I thought I'd offer a comment.

unburned by the heat of tomorrow or frozen by memories of yesterday isn't consistent in it's effects. Is it that way by design. Unburned and frozen conflict with one another, unburned and unfrozen, or perhaps

...unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
and unscathed by frozen memories (or freezing/frigid memories)
of yesterday....

I'm working to not offer direct rewrites, but I couldn't come up with a way to get my impression across any other way. One of my foibles...

Looking forward to seeing this in it's final form!

~Z

 

[bluerains]

well it just gets bigger..

too many chains

 

[quietpoet]

Getting there oh hot one!

Still need to do something here... emerge is redundant

through braids of light bled
birds of prey emerge
from blue swirls
in mystical descent
transitory vessels devouring
figments enshrined
in shadowed memory

I would change the following "here" to forever or something that refers to time instead of place...

here she must keep the secret
living beneath charged meridians
that transcends the heart beyond
the bounds of human

Surley or surely?

for mere plebeians would surley
drown in stagnant tears
chasing such rainbows of imagination

Looking great!

QP

 

[twelveoone]

unburned by the heat of tomorrow or frozen by memories of yesterday isn't consistent in it's effects. Is it that way by design. Unburned and frozen conflict with one another, unburned and unfrozen, or perhaps

...unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
and unscathed by frozen memories (or freezing/frigid memories)
of yesterday....

I'm working to not offer direct rewrites, but I couldn't come up with a way to get my impression across any other way. One of my foibles...

Looking forward to seeing this in it's final form!

~Z

Here I disagree, heat is assigned to tommorrow, frozen to yesterday, I see no conflict.

It is a little overblown for saying I'm here now, unscathed. It may have been put in for emphasis of that fact..

 

[twelveoone]

kinda like a..hum...ouy...



winding through
paralyzing fear
she was stolen away
cast from
her terrace
toward a dark surf

vapor trails
suspended her
spirit
screaming
silently as
as tides
raged

held within stellar
pillars glowing
her eyes
captured glimpses
of a phantom sun
rising from a
swollen sea

current and gravity
danced in metamorphosis
unshackled by time
as a platform shifts
into the center
of a disk with
marble carved crystals
her outline spread
whirling with indigo rays

rushing headlong
into perilous energy
ignited by prisms
blue rivers of flame
quicken neurons
in beaming plasma
bursts
she knew this place..

its distant hums
still stirring arcane
echoes of yesteryear
Rumination and
spiraling death
chants
mark patterns
in webbed fields
born from Orbs
and Orca

He haunts this place
in gathered shadows
of his blue-black lair
here he had
absorbed her mirage
in beguiling passion
imbued star stoned awareness
as summoned comrades
mocking her desire and wisdom
turning diagonal pendulum
with slanted sphinx eyes
tapping wind chimes in beat

through braids of light bled
coiling from blue swirls
in mystical descent
birds of prey emerge in
transitory vessels devouring
figments enshrined
in shadowed memory

intergalactic energy minds
collide as she clones
his spawn to animation
a protean soliloquy
claims her realm

waves rising from
the deep in curls
of kelp unlock
the caged voice
ancestors hum
in rhythm

moving beyond
colors of earth and sky
to feel the hunger
and loose the
hands of her
stone cutter
she lay down amidst
woven songs of Luna
dreaming on wisps of
burnt passion

why had she been
lead to eden unburned
by the heat of tomorrow
cloaked in black and
unmarred by memories
of hyperborean incantations
as she arose from ashes
of today awakened inside
an unknown pulse raging
by a cold calm sea
desperate to shed this
foreign husk glowing
through dawns mist


images of a winged bird
unleashed from Oceania
wrap around
her bruised shoulders
eyes benumbed
scanning its mortal coil

again she is castaway
strewn to this wasteland
without the feathery touch of
his winged embrace that held
her captive with dulcet serenades
risen above élan

here she must keep the secret
living beneath charged meridians
that transcends the heart beyond
the bounds of human

for mere plebeians would surely
drown in stagnant tears
chasing such rainbows of imagination

she was stolen away, stellar pillars suspended her above the swollen surf
her eyes glimpsed gravity in metamorphoic dance of unshackled time
her fear paralyzing her in the center of the current as the platform shifts...

blue, I did a little rearranging here are some of my reasons:
I increased the line lengh, pet peave of mine, short lines tend to dissapate the story, and after reading these after awhile I start to feel cheated.
I changed the first line "winding through paralyzing fear " is not going to arouse much interest, "she was stolen away..." at least begins to impart a question in the readers mind, if followed by "stellar pillars suspended her above the swollen surf" I think it is enough to drive interest.

blue, what do you think, should I continue?
Zanzibar, quietpoet, it would be of interest to have your comments on this, I can only see what I see and I do not want to hinder either the progress or the direction of this.

 

[quietpoet]

thoughts on 1201's changes

I like the wording there (your edits). The only issue i have is that her personal style is the shorter lines. That would change her style and I don't know if it would really help the flow. That seems to come from some unknown place deep within the recesses and is a part of what makes her poems hers.

QP

 

[Zanzibar]

Here I disagree, heat is assigned to tommorrow, frozen to yesterday, I see no conflict.

It is a little overblown for saying I'm here now, unscathed. It may have been put in for emphasis of that fact..

The conflict was that she was unburned (or uneffected by heat) but seemed frozen by the cold. Thats how I percieved it, anyway.

The points mute though, as that entire strophe has been reworked even more and a whole new vista of words to delight and astound awaits!

 

[Zanzibar]

she was stolen away, stellar pillars suspended her above the swollen surf
her eyes glimpsed gravity in metamorphoic dance of unshackled time
her fear paralyzing her in the center of the current as the platform shifts...

blue, I did a little rearranging here are some of my reasons:
I increased the line lengh, pet peave of mine, short lines tend to dissapate the story, and after reading these after awhile I start to feel cheated.
I changed the first line "winding through paralyzing fear " is not going to arouse much interest, "she was stolen away..." at least begins to impart a question in the readers mind, if followed by "stellar pillars suspended her above the swollen surf" I think it is enough to drive interest.

blue, what do you think, should I continue?
Zanzibar, quietpoet, it would be of interest to have your comments on this, I can only see what I see and I do not want to hinder either the progress or the direction of this.

I think much of the effect of the work in her style would be lost if she changed from her current format. To me, it's designed to be an epic work, and that wouldn't be the feel of a 20 line poem. (making each strophe a line).

I haven't had time to go back through the whole thing for comments, hopefully this weekend. I am definitely enjoying the poem though!

 

[bluerains]

this is what I would like to write but!!

here is an example of me trying to write the longer lines....and qp is the one wanting the change into longer length ...whats up John..you said make it longer...ok...this was what I scraped a while back...you can see the sentence goes on and on...
I see thinks in the mind in small bits ..when I try to blend ...I get lost..that s why I am here to break that pattern of chopping...right qp...luv the way you edit 1201..I will watch how you change mine into yours...I really am learning from your perspective as well...thanks Z for the feedback...really...smiles/blue

she was stolen away, stellar pillars suspended her above the swollen surf
her eyes glimpsed gravity in metamorphoic dance of unshackled time
her fear paralyzing her in the center of the current as the platform shifts...

blue, I did a little rearranging here are some of my reasons:
I increased the line lengh, pet peave of mine, short lines tend to dissapate the story, and after reading these after awhile I start to feel cheated.
I changed the first line "winding through paralyzing fear " is not going to arouse much interest, "she was stolen away..." at least begins to impart a question in the readers mind, if followed by "stellar pillars suspended her above the swollen surf" I think it is enough to drive interest.

blue, what do you think, should I continue?
anzibar, quietpoet, it would be of interest to have your comments on this, I can only see what I see and I do not want to hinder either the progress or the direction of this.

 

[twelveoone]

here is an example of me trying to write the longer lines....and qp is the one wanting the change into longer length ...whats up John..you said make it longer...ok...this was what I scraped a while back...you can see the sentence goes on and on...
I see thinks in the mind in small bits ..when I try to blend ...I get lost..that s why I am here to break that pattern of chopping...right qp...luv the way you edit 1201..I will watch how you change mine into yours...I really am learning from your perspective as well...thanks Z for the feedback...really...smiles/blue

a strangers voice speaks unto
the stasis of my breath and quietly
reminds me of an ancient past where
once our echoed songs were in harmony
as we sang together along the edge of
the garden and our hearts softly danced
as one filling the great spirit with
the joy of our love . What great
sorrow dwells in that space as our
memory now erased by time is but a
quiet echo in our mind..but,
Know that when my heart is opened to
the joy of your painted paradise
I ride the waves
of endless time and forever spaces of
boundless reserviors of light flooding
thru channels of pure crystal diamonds
hardened by the tears of joy and pain
emptied into the great dam of creation
where only star creatures have entered
by the gates of the garden where once
the dolphins played and I still swim
with seaweed in my eyes...

this is the scrap...

blue, they are your words, if I change it to mine, you can always change 'me back. Phrase subsitition. Sometimes I use puncuation, sometimes I don't, sometimes, I get reemed (Tara, I love you) because I'm inconsistent.. let me do a little surgery; these are good words BTW


hardened by tears of joy and of pain
emptied into the dam of creation
which only the star creatures have entered

by the gates of the garden
where the dolphins once played
I swim with the seaweed of eyes

You want as many cool words as possible at the end, not to, a, of, unless you have a really good reason
Keep writing, use as many the's, once's, now's, etc. as you want, you chop them out later for flow.
Keep writing, you edit out what you don't want, you rearrange, you change


If you really want to write long, read, er, Longfellow, long with shorter line lengh
Cooleridge, Modern non-rhyme with variation Eliot's Wasteland.

If you don't mind me playing with this, always remember they are your words, you have to readjust them back to your meaning.

 

[bluerains]

blue, they are your words, if I change it to mine, you can always change 'me back. Phrase subsitition. Sometimes I use puncuation, sometimes I don't, sometimes, I get reemed (Tara, I love you) because I'm inconsistent.. let me do a little surgery; these are good words BTW
although they are my words ..I wish to see through the eyes of another perspective in finding how the patterns change and this is just exercise for me to stretch inside and find that story hiding in that little fairy of my mind who holds the key..thanks so much...like the changes and I will incorporate them and play...luvs to the 12..o))blue


hardened by tears of joy and of pain
emptied into the dam of creation
which only the star creatures have entered

by the gates of the garden
where the dolphins once played
I swim with the seaweed of eyes

You want as many cool words as possible at the end, not to, a, of, unless you have a really good reason
Keep writing, use as many the's, once's, now's, etc. as you want, you chop them out later for flow.
Keep writing, you edit out what you don't want, you rearrange, you change


If you really want to write long, read, er, Longfellow, long with shorter line lengh
Cooleridge, Modern non-rhyme with variation Eliot's Wasteland.

If you don't mind me playing with this, always remember they are your words, you have to readjust them back to your meaning.

 

[bluerains]

off line...

this was a work just for practice in expanding the range of seeing...

thanks all...am pulling this now as it is an epic and will still need much work....

take care...blue

 

[quietpoet]

More needed!

sharing is not an easy path...

QP

 

[bluerains]

ok...

after much thought am taking down poem to work..in private...sharing all these changes are getting lengthly...take care..blue

 

[bluerains]

hence forth will just be editing....

in work