Accepting who you are

[eastTNbbw]

Thank you Rose...

You always give me a reason to stop and evaluate myself.

I find that I am confident in all except that dear old body image area. I am working on this very hard....not to be so critical of myself because it certainly isn't what i expect from others. I am beginning to learn that I will not click with everyone and it is no one person's fault when I don't. And it doesn't always have to be because of physical appearance.

I have found that when I do relax and open up to someone, there is an extraordinary bonding that can take place if I will allow it. Now if I could just learn to allow it more.

Thanks again....ETB

 

[Ebonyfire]

All I know is that I have good self esteem in most other areas of my life except body image and that effects my BDSM life because it is one of a few reasons that hold me back from joining a local group and learn even more.

I have been working on this and I don't think that I will ever feel fully comfortable untill I am a size 6 and svelte.

But I am very accepting of the BDSM lifestyle and the people in it. I know only a few though. But alternative doesn't scare me. I was alternative and now my teenage children are already alternative and if they find this lifestyle great, if they don't oh well!? But I still love and care for them -- just as I care for other friends kink or not.

What's inside counts more. I just am harder on myself and want better for my master.

Maddi

hehehe, by my calculations I will be dead 100 years before I am a size six.

No one in my entire family can attain a size 6 frame. It is notin our genes. So we are what we are, and we find every opportunity to "strut our funky stuff". I am the Mistress of my subs and I never hold any so called imperfections against them. I love who are they as men, and what they stand for. And after all, their submission makes them so attractive, who cares about what is superficial?

Women tend to be harder on themselves,

Ebony

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Thank you Rose...

You always give me a reason to stop and evaluate myself.

I find that I am confident in all except that dear old body image area. I am working on this very hard....not to be so critical of myself because it certainly isn't what i expect from others. I am beginning to learn that I will not click with everyone and it is no one person's fault when I don't. And it doesn't always have to be because of physical appearance.

I have found that when I do relax and open up to someone, there is an extraordinary bonding that can take place if I will allow it. Now if I could just learn to allow it more.

Thanks again....ETB

Body image is a very hard thing to become comfortable with. I am not always and not entirely comfortable yet, myself. I have had 2 children, I am saggy in places and too soft in others... I will never look 30 again and to be honest, I don't want to. I am proud of this body that carried, and nurtured 2 fabulous (and now) young adults.

I have reached a place in my life where I have never been as comfortable in the skin I am in. And that self acceptance and comfort shows through to others, and in particular men. When you get to that place, you will know it and you will love how it feels.

I am not saying that I cannot improve on my appearance. Indeed, I can. But knowing that I am sexually attractive, especially to myself, brings out a self confidence that others see. And that is where it all begins---- Yourself, when you accept that you are attractive to that lady in the mirror.

I think you have not far to go. You are a very self aware and intuitive lady. You know what feels good for you. I bet you are gorgeous.... your mind is indeed.

Thank you for your post.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Being something of a lurker myself...

I have to admit, my original image of BDSM'ers was a group of leather-clad whip-bearing sadists that scared the @#$ out of me. But it's been said that the best weapon against fear is information, and that's especially true here.

The more time I've spent learning about those people in the scene, the more I've come to the conclusion they are, in fact, often more 'real', more insightful, more considerate, more patient, more open-minded - in many ways, closer to the people I choose to associate with as friends!

I had noticed quite some time ago that the BDSM forum - for being such a public board - was relatively free of the usual internet idiocy that invariably fills any public posting facility. In my mind, that's a credit to the people who post here. I've found more people I consider to be wise, caring, compassionate individuals here than on ANY other internet site, board, program, etc.

So yes, if you (the lurker) have legitimate questions, concerns, or just want to say 'hello', feel free. I've learned as much about social interaction (in general!) as I have about BDSM from this forum, and I thank everyone who's contributed to my education, no matter how small of a means.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Very nice words to read. I am glad you are lurking and posting. BDSM can be dark and scary to many who have not yet opened up to an understanding of it, as you so aptly posted.

Keep coming back, please. New faces, new opinions, new insights makes me think and explore myself even more. You are very appreciated.

 

[A Desert Rose]

THe implication seems to be that our social self is who and how we are recieved by others.

I can agree with that.
Whether it is someone on this board or a co worker, there is no way for them to know our many facets.

I believe there are few who can truly understand all teh pieces of our nature and social selves. IT would be my hope that those few people would consider themselves honored by the gift of our friendship and even love.

I agree with you. We both agree that we are all multi-dimensional beings. And that few people will know us fully.

"A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry an image of him in their mind." William James

I want to take this quote a step further. How we are precieved by others does have an influence on how we interact and how we behave. But only *if* we allow that. How we are seen by others is reflected back to us. If it is negative feedback, we adjust our behavior or we do not. Our behaviors depend on several factors, one of which is, does the person doing the reflecting back matter to you?

Whose opinion counts?

And remember it is only a precieved view of you that others see. It is the reality of the beholder, not neccessarily *your* reality, unless you choose to take it on as your own, too.

 

[jfaustus]

On therapy, BDSM and 'being scared

First and foremost: Rose, what a fantastic thread to start. I adore your attitude.

I find BDSM daunting and scary in the thrilling way that setting off on a trip or climbing the first hill of a roller coaster is scary, not because of any image of leather-clad, fire-breathing monsters. Quite the opposite; BDSM and other kinds of 'alternative' sex have been a part of the fabric of my sexuality forever. This is due in large part, I think, to the fact my parents were very open about sex. Early on I found their kinky porn, and immediately integrated it into what I knew and thought about sex. Also, I knew that I could always talk to them about whatever. I didn't, often, but the knowledge that they were completely tolerant was there nonetheless. Anyway, I've never thought about it as strange or bad or evil but it is, as you all know, something you don't talk about at a dinner party.

So the kicker, for me, is that I have fantasized and written about and masturbated ad infinitum to the idea of BDSM, but have rarely put it into practice. The doing of it, the actual surrender of self to another (and one could argue the point, but I believe dom/mes surrender too), is a whole n'uther ball game. So I find it scary for the same reason good therapy is scary; you choose to hold a mirror up to yourself and take a closer look at what's there than you have before.

So to wind all those loose ideas together, I haven't found many people to talk to about these things over the years, and am glad to have stumbled onto this forum. I'm also glad that it seems to be populated for the most part by super cool people whose support and insight will make jumping off the high dive that much easier.

jfaustus

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: On therapy, BDSM and 'being scared

I find it scary for the same reason good therapy is scary; you choose to hold a mirror up to yourself and take a closer look at what's there than you have before.

jfaustus

Thank you for your post and your nice words.

It *is* scary in an adventerous kind of way, and I am sure you agree with that, judging by your enthusiasm. ~smile~

There are as many definitions of bdsm as there are posters and lurkers. And no way is the "right" way. It's about what you can incorporate into you life and that of your partner, that is "right."

I do hope that your travels in this forum make you look more intimately at yourself. I can promise you that your new posts, insights and questions will make me look deeper at myself.

Thank you again. ~smile~

 

[A Desert Rose]

"A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry an image of him in their mind." William James

This quote keeps pulling me back.

"carry an image of him in their mind".......... This is almost magical to me. People who you touch, have a mental picture of you. People you don't even know have a mental image of you. And good or bad, you have impacted someone with your words.

 

[Red Menace]

I have to admit, my original image of BDSM'ers was a group of leather-clad whip-bearing sadists that scared the @#$ out of me. But it's been said that the best weapon against fear is information, and that's especially true here.

Heehee... that completely describes Sir. Well, at least when He's dressing up for a party. And just between you and me, He frequently scares the @#$ out of me... but in a good way.

"A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry an image of him in their mind." William James

I want to take this quote a step further. How we are precieved by others does have an influence on how we interact and how we behave. But only *if* we allow that. How we are seen by others is reflected back to us. If it is negative feedback, we adjust our behavior or we do not. Our behaviors depend on several factors, one of which is, does the person doing the reflecting back matter to you?

Whose opinion counts?

And remember it is only a precieved view of you that others see. It is the reality of the beholder, not neccessarily *your* reality, unless you choose to take it on as your own, too.

I've never heard that quote by William James, but a similar thought influenced a conscious decision I made years go in the way I deal with my choices in life and people's perception of them. I feel that since very few people are ever going to get close enough to me to see more than a little sliver of personality, and are going to have such vastly different impressions of what they see anyway, why not just be who I am and let the rest of 'em wonder whatever they will. Unless someone is very close to me and I really value their opinions and choices in life, it is unlikely that someone eles's feedback, negative or otherwise, is going to affect my perceptions of myself.

With regards to BDSM, I don't fear society's judgement on my sexual preferences. If they don't understand or accept what it is we do, that's their problem and not mine. Sir often says, "I only have two people to impress in my life - Me and god." I think He's pretty smart sometimes. I've added Him to my list of people to impress.

 

[Ebonyfire]

HEHEHE!

I had a conversation with a sub I chat with in Canada. His perception of me is that I am too caring and nice style of Domme. He says he is a pig and needs to be kept on a short leash by an evil bitch Domme.

Then I know another sub, who shakes the whole time he is in the same room with Me. He says I scare him shitless!

Then there are my part-time boys who see me more than anyone and they think I am stern but caring.

How do I see myself? Well in fact, they all are right. I can be any and all of those types of Dommes. It just depends on my mood, and the sub I am with.

How other's perceive us is something we have no control over. People tend to see that they want to see.

Eb

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: HEHEHE!

How other's perceive us is something we have no control over. People tend to see that they want to see.

Eb

You are so right. They see what they want and mostly they see what they desire you to be to them or what qualities you have that they admire or qualities they would like to see in themselves.

Especially when it comes to Dom's, I see certain character traits that draw me to that person. I have stated those traits here before.

Thank you, Eb. Great post and right on target.

 

[A Desert Rose]

With regards to BDSM, I don't fear society's judgement on my sexual preferences. If they don't understand or accept what it is we do, that's their problem and not mine. Sir often says, "I only have two people to impress in my life - Me and god." I think He's pretty smart sometimes. I've added Him to my list of people to impress.

That is a great philosophy to live by. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: HEHEHE!

How other's perceive us is something we have no control over. People tend to see that they want to see.

Eb

And very few see the whole picture.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Indeed, very few see the whole person. But the attempt must be made on both parts.

It is important in any relationship that one accepts himself and his partner. But since this is a bdsm forum I will keep the topic to that.

You make promises and set limits. You express expectations and desires. Both the Dom and the sub do this for and with each other. In order for all things to magically come together in a relationship, both have to accept the responsibilty, share the respect and accept fully the other. And that is how, together you climb to a higher level.

It is a balance. The sub gives and the Dom gives back.

 

[curious2c]

Originally posted by A Desert Rose
"A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry an image of him in their mind." William James

I want to take this quote a step further. How we are precieved by others does have an influence on how we interact and how we behave. But only *if* we allow that. How we are seen by others is reflected back to us. If it is negative feedback, we adjust our behavior or we do not. Our behaviors depend on several factors, one of which is, does the person doing the reflecting back matter to you?

Whose opinion counts?

And remember it is only a precieved view of you that others see. It is the reality of the beholder, not neccessarily *your* reality, unless you choose to take it on as your own, too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Perceptions of others is based on the knowledge that you have of them, including their looks, or what they look like, not so much if they are 'perfect' or 'imperfect'. Also, perceptions are based on what you think they believe from what they have told you.

Perception is a dual edged sword or even multi-faceted. One's perceptions of his or hers surroundings can be led to certain bases, whether or no it is a true view of what or who they look at.

At a certain and often dramatic point, your perceptions have to include that deja-vu or inner spirit that tells you yes this person is good or no, this person is bad. (wrong ro right for you)

Problems are many that come from this too. BDSM has much negative printed and filmed of it. It has been made to be an evil or 'sick' minded way of enjoying sex. It has been painted as a tool of the devil, of a deviate mind, of a sickness that must be hunted down and eradicated.

Most percetions of BDSM in this light also tend to come from the religious viewpoints, those of the uptight and holier than thou mindset. If God had not wanted man/women/humans to enjoy sex He coudl have made it so we only were 'hot' or in heat at certain times of the year and left it at that. He knew that humans would stretch and shape sex to be what they wanted.

All in all a perception of sexual needs and wants is up to the beholder and how they assimilate the information that they take in.
Even as couples first meet and then get to know each other perceptions can often be led out of reality and into a zone of fantasy that can and does hurt one deeply.

I have gone on here about perceptions, and that is not the whole point of A Desert Roses's question, but I wanted to point out that perceptions are a human 'condition' and that means that a perceptions is not always or rarely is a fact. It is a whole compendium of values, thoughts, views, words, and sayings, that are built around an individual as they get to know another person or even object, lifestyle, religion,or other 'fact' of life.

BDSM has many perceptions built into it. It has many facets that most people will never realize exist. It also has 'dark' sides and 'light' sides too.

What happens in a BDSM relationship is based on these perceptions and how the individuals involved 'prepare' the details and decide the conditions. These conditions can be very fluid, or they can be hard and fast rules. It all depends upon the people who have made the 'agreement' to participate in this type of lifestyle.

Love can enter into this too and that is where some danger can lay also. A danger because it could get carried out of hand and far and away above the original rules set up because of the confusion of love and wanting to please beyond what one had originally agreed to. Look at the abusive relationships in marriages and how some people in those will stay even after beign sent to the hospital time and again. The abused will even go so far as to make 'excuses' for the abuser too.

 

[TantaLiza]

Must agree with several posters here as to not seeing the whole picture...I'm still seeing new facets to my personality every day! I consider myself to be one of those eye-catching crystals...so colorful yet still mysterious.

I have been lurking, reading and researching this lifestyle for several months. When I was younger, I wouldn't allow myself to delve too deeply because of my upbringing and fear of disappointing my loved ones. Now that I'm older with my own child, I'm not so worried...she is already attuned to her mother's "perverted" side...lol She is just scratching the surface tho...

I have found lately that the deeper knowledge I recieve, there has been a difference in the way I'm acknowledged or treated by others...for instance, I work with the public. I've almost always been a friendly type person, offering assistance and basically letting people know I'm there for them....since my interaction with certain people and things in this lifestyle, more male customers have become quite open towards me. They volunteer sexual information that has nothing to do with the product sold in my store....I guess that something encourages them to be open with me. For the life of me, I can't figure out why...it does make the day interesting and me quite thoughtful of these incidents. Now all I need to do is learn how to use them to my advantage....I do feel that my confidence level is growing leaps and bounds....guess old dogs can learn new tricks...

~smile~

 

[Ebonyfire]

"A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry an image of him in their mind." William James

Anyone care to discuss that quote?

This is a complicated one for me because a lot of how I am seen in social situations has nothing to do with BDSM, but my race, sex, and ethnicity in that order. BDSM does not even enter into it.

Eb

 

[A Desert Rose]

This is a complicated one for me because a lot of how I am seen in social situations has nothing to do with BDSM, but my race, sex, and ethnicity in that order. BDSM does not even enter into it.

Eb

I can definately see what you mean, Eb. Sometimes things get very complicated.

How are you doing, otherwise? Might be coming your way in a couple weeks. I will let you know. ~smile~

 

[Ebonyfire]

I can definately see what you mean, Eb. Sometimes things get very complicated.

How are you doing, otherwise? Might be coming your way in a couple weeks. I will let you know. ~smile~

I am fine, just tryting to make it to the weekend and....

P A R T A Y !!!!!!!

Eb

 

[Little Girl]

I find people want me to fit into the mold of what they perceive me to be and then get frustrated when I don't. I am only begining to explore myself and learn to love who I am. Only in doing that can I truely love others for who they are. I try not to put labels on myself or anyone else and I live my life the way I see best. As long as I don't infringe on others and their lives then I don't feel the need to apologize for what I think, feel and believe.

 

[TheWanderer]

I find people want me to fit into the mold of what they perceive me to be and then get frustrated when I don't. I am only begining to explore myself and learn to love who I am. Only in doing that can I truely love others for who they are. I try not to put labels on myself or anyone else and I live my life the way I see best. As long as I don't infringe on others and their lives then I don't feel the need to apologize for what I think, feel and believe.

I know *you* know this, heh, but I haven't a different approach. I try to stay outside of all the molds, labels, and other generalizations. It's kind of a filter... people who want to label everything and pass up the chance to learn anything will invariably decide I'm 'too weird' and try to ignore me.

Those worth getting to know ask more questions, and will commonly be surprised by what they find. But then, I've spent a lifetime trying to become a person others can learn from, both academically, emotionally, mentally, and so on.

Naturally, one of my new focii is D/s, but I've come to realize this is an ongoing journey, not a set of facts to be learned. When I see people who've lived the lifestyle for 20 years or more, who still say they learn things on a regular basis, it truly shows just how deep the D/s dynamic runs.

 

[A Desert Rose]

It's kind of a filter... people who want to label everything and pass up the chance to learn anything will invariably decide I'm 'too weird' and try to ignore me.

Those worth getting to know ask more questions, and will commonly be surprised by what they find.

When I see people who've lived the lifestyle for 20 years or more, who still say they learn things on a regular basis, it truly shows just how deep the D/s dynamic runs.

I snipped your text a bit, I hope you don't mind. The points you made here are very good and I wanted to emphasize those.

I think a D/s relationship is an ongoing and evolving thing. One learns, changes and adapts, constantly. If that were not the case, the relationship would die from the boredom or those engaged would certainly never grow and learn.

Situations change, conditions change, hard and soft limits may change. Accepting, communicating and adapting to those changes makes the relationship bloom into a more beautiful thing.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I wanted to point out that perceptions are a human 'condition' and that means that a perceptions is not always or rarely is a fact. It is a whole compendium of values, thoughts, views, words, and sayings, that are built around an individual as they get to know another person or even object, lifestyle, religion,or other 'fact' of life.

BDSM has many perceptions built into it. It has many facets that most people will never realize exist. It also has 'dark' sides and 'light' sides too.

What happens in a BDSM relationship is based on these perceptions and how the individuals involved 'prepare' the details and decide the conditions. These conditions can be very fluid, or they can be hard and fast rules. It all depends upon the people who have made the 'agreement' to participate in this type of lifestyle.

I snipped your text too, so I could talk to those points that I think are the core of your text. ~smile~

In any relationship we have, we bring in our life experiences and our past relationships. We bring our own "reality" based on previous experiences to the table. Most times, those events that effected us in our past, color our current situation.

For instance, someone on the GB was recently discussing that ejaculant on her face was degrading to her due to a past rape. She accepts that it is distasteful to her and why it is so. I assume that if she has a caring partner, he also accepts and understands her feelings. We cannot expect the other to know what is in our minds, especially when everything in our mind has been molded by our past lives.

Knowing the "what and why's" as we enter into a BDSM relationship will make it a smoother and more enjoyable ride. And once again it comes down to that C word: Communication. ~smile~

 

[Little Girl]

Communication

Knowing the "what and why's" as we enter into a BDSM relationship will make it a smoother and more enjoyable ride. And once again it comes down to that C word: Communication. ~smile~

Unfortunately so many people can't or won't look inside themselves and find the what's and why's that mold their feelings and thoughts. I know the journey inside myself to discover not only the triggers, but what caused the triggers to begin with, was a long and hard one. But it has been a journey of both enlightenment and understanding that continues everyday. Through the self exploration I have learned so much about myself which has made it easier to share through open and honest communication with all the people in my life. Several years ago it was almost impossible for me to ask Wanderer for something as simple as a cup of coffee, I could not ask for anything because to me asking was a sign of weakness or vulnerability. By tracing back the path that caused this feeling and finding the trigger and shutting it down I have been able to ask for what I want and need. The old habits tend to rear their ugly heads every now and then (especially when I'm feeling tired or down), but I have found that everyday is another opportunity for me to learn, grow and become a better me. Sorry if this is kind of off subject, but I believe that communication with yourself, is just as important as communication with your partner.

 

[pierced_boy]

more bump

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