Accepting who you are

[sluttygirl4u22]

Thanks for bumping that, it was just what i needed to read tonight. it's nice to hear that other people have been or are where i am in accepting who they are. i think this is an ongoing thing for me because i am a woman who like everyone has more to her than sex (big part of life, and relationships but not all) so i somedays accept that i am submissive and other days i struggle to accept it. Sometimes i wish i enjoyed traditional sex more, but really it doesn't do much for me, then i think well maybe it isn't BDSM maybe i'm just into some kinky stuff, yet other days i know stronger than ever that i need a Master. And then i have fights with myself, one part tells me what i need sexually and the other side says if you really go for that you are going to lose what else you want in your life and are working hard to get. i wish i knew how to balance the two, and until i do i think i am going to run off and hide in the mountains in a cabin with a wood burning stove.

 

[A Desert Rose]

God bless Harry for this bump and you too, sluttygirl for reading it and posting to it. I had forgotten about this thread.

I want to explain something that you touched on in your post, but bear with me because I may have trouble articulating it well.

I am, as everyone knows, sexually submissive. I am not comfortable taking the initiative or being the assertive one, in the sexual act. I do love the D/s aspect in my sexual life. But it is not the only aspect of my sexual life. I engage in and enjoy a traditional (vanilla to some of you) fuck, too.

To set my life on one lifestyle would not work for me. I have found that a strictly traditional sex life is boring and eventually, it leaves me cold. Likewise, too much D/s is like a drug- I find that I keep looking for another higher high. And that too, is not a pleasant thing.

So for me, I have tried to find a balance there. And the fun is that I get to keep trying. ~smile~

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thanks for bumping that, it was just what i needed to read tonight. it's nice to hear that other people have been or are where i am in accepting who they are. i think this is an ongoing thing for me because i am a woman who like everyone has more to her than sex (big part of life, and relationships but not all) so i somedays accept that i am submissive and other days i struggle to accept it. Sometimes i wish i enjoyed traditional sex more, but really it doesn't do much for me, then i think well maybe it isn't BDSM maybe i'm just into some kinky stuff, yet other days i know stronger than ever that i need a Master. And then i have fights with myself, one part tells me what i need sexually and the other side says if you really go for that you are going to lose what else you want in your life and are working hard to get. i wish i knew how to balance the two, and until i do i think i am going to run off and hide in the mountains in a cabin with a wood burning stove.

Mind if I add my 2 cents to this? Don't wish you were something you're not.... don't wish you liked tradtional sex more than something else. It can all fit into your life. Once you accept what you are on the inside, what you need and what satisfies you; all the other parts fall into place, eventually. Take my word for it, it will. It took me to age 42 to figure this out and to stop fighting how I really felt and what I really needed. And still, I am learning and changing and experiencing great new things.

 

[sluttygirl4u22]

thanks Rose for explaining that its not neccessary to be completely in one lifestyle, and that it's possible to have both. I guess what I struggle with is finding someone like minded and I will continue my search for someone who will accept me as I am and not try to push me into something I know won't work for me

 

[A Desert Rose]

thanks Rose for explaining that its not neccessary to be completely in one lifestyle, and that it's possible to have both. I guess what I struggle with is finding someone like minded and I will continue my search for someone who will accept me as I am and not try to push me into something I know won't work for me

The point I am trying to make is this: We never made our relationship a strictly limited thing. And you will find someone like that, too. You need to communicate your needs and desires as well as his, and it will come together. When two people share a common bond of affection they do what makes the other partner happy and fulfilled.

 

[sluttygirl4u22]

thanks again Rose

 

[A Desert Rose]

thanks again Rose

LOL don't thank me... I have never removed one of my posts but I may come back and remove part of that last one. I am not one to tell too many of my secrets and I might start to regret telling that one.
LMAO

And it is I who thanks you for posting to this old thread again. It is good to meet and read new posters and new ideas.
~smile~

 

[OneLove]

I turned 40 this year and have been enjoying myself..to an extent. I want more out of life, not just sexually but spiritually also. I'm not into organized religions and am considered "that heathen" at work since I am...different from the rest of my co-workers. I bare my tats and piercings proudly...they're mine and were chosen by me to express my beliefs...not theirs.
I am a control freak..been on my own for a long time, single parent, the whole nine yards. Would like someone else to be in charge for once..BUT afraid that I would try to take over if I deemed the person I put in charge was incompetent.
Have always considered myself to been a free spirit but have really come to grips with it this year. I have entered the "crone" stage of my life and I want to rejoice in it. This means exploration for me, re-education on past experiences that may not hve gone that well that I'm willing to try again. This will be my first exploration into the lifestyle of D/s.
As to the question on the quote. My opinion counts as equally as anyone else's of me does. If me feelings gt hurt, I take into consideration who made the remark and what their role in my life is. I go on from there.
Have a great one and thanks for letting me share.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I understand the dilemmas that many subs have. I have had them, too. When I was employed I was in charge of an art department with up to 6 artists. I spent my days making decisions and doing what a department manager does. I too, have children and came home to a continuation of "being in charge." The one area I was able to not have to take control was in the bedroom. And that is how I like it.

I do not want to give up the expression of who I am in the career area of my life. And I won't ever do that. But in the area of love, affection and sexuality, I want to be able to give my submission to another. To this point, I have been lucky enough to do that. The Doms (and there have been only a few) who I have been involved with, have been the type of men who want me to take the initiative in my daily life and do what needs to be done. (I don't have to ask permission on every detail of my life.) But they have wanted me to place them first (with respect to my children of course) in matters of sexuality and love.

The more mature the Dom (and I do not mean in age only) the more accepting and undertanding He is in the role of D/s in our lives. At least this has been my experience, and I admit it has been limited.

 

[OneLove]

I'm actually just beginning to explore this aspect of my sexuality and was given this site as a guide. I would like to find someone to mentor me, give advice, etc along my path. I, like you, don't want to give up all control in every aspect of my life, but would gladly do so in some areas. As to sex, I'm VERY affectionate and giving to my lover and don't mind being given directions in that particular arena. I do have one major problem though..I'm very strong willed and am ADHD plus oppositionally defiant so training may prove to be..challenging!

 

[MissTaken]

This is a really great thread!

Thanks, DesertRose.

When I first began my exploration of BDSM, a wise friend told me it would be a most exciting time, with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

For me the lows involve a lack of self confidence with who I am and what I enjoy. These "lows" happen less and less frequently as I have come to terms with many things. I have found a new comfort zone with respect to my sexuality. Yes, lit has been part of that. Sharing and learning has seemed very easy and natural here.

It is a journey, without end. Even once you have accepted who you are and are involved with someone, the journey continues as your relationship evolves. A good relationship never stops moving, is always growing and changing. It is through change that we find strenght, excitement and learn.

I am babbling again as I seem to be doing a lot of lately.

Just wanted to say, "Great thread!"

 

[A Desert Rose]

MissyT, you can babble in my threads anyday.

That which you call babble is really little pearls for so many.

 

[edwyr]

Side thought

I have read the comments on this thread and so many are valid and well formed thoughts. For me I care little what society thinks or puts on a pedestal saying 'this is the one true throught and all else is preverse'. I have found that during my years growing I had several fantasies that worked for me. It wasn't until my wife of many years finally convinced me of my own self worth, my own self image, that I was a creative individual, etc. Following that path I realized what my fantasies actually meant, to me, to my mind, to my emotions.

The sad thing to me is that now I know what my fantasies mean, now that I know what I want to explore and experience, my wife is not interested. She finds my ideas 'silly' and 'can't get her head around them'.

When I didn't know what I want I was dissatisfied and in limbo. Now that I know what I want I'm dissatisfied and yearning.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Side thought

The sad thing to me is that now I know what my fantasies mean, now that I know what I want to explore and experience, my wife is not interested. She finds my ideas 'silly' and 'can't get her head around them'.

When I didn't know what I want I was dissatisfied and in limbo. Now that I know what I want I'm dissatisfied and yearning.

This is a hard place to be. I can empathize with you.

Are you both communicating on an effective level? Are there desires she has that she feels are not being met, too?

Maybe you can take it slow and communicate more your desires to her. Or perhaps you can slowly introduce those fantasies into your lovemaking, one step at a time.

Just my ideas... I am sure others have better ones.
Nice to meet you and glad to see your posts here.

 

[zipman]

In my life, I have found the greatest challenge to be reconciling who I am with who I think I want to be. I think many people have visions of themselves as they want to be, like the shy person who sees themselves as the outgoing life of the party. They may wish that to be their reality but it is just not in them to be that way.

As a young man, I had some highly romanticized ideas of who I wanted to be as a person. It took a lot of time to realize that I am who I am for a reason. While some people can change aspects of themselves, I think it is next to impossible to change the core of our being.

So what's left, well - acceptance. Plain and simple. I used to wish I didn't have BDSM urges when I was younger. It didn't quite fit with the image of what I wanted to be and how I wanted my relationships to be. I pictured my future marriage as a loving partnership based on trust, communication, compassion and compromise. At that time, I didn't realize that one could practice BDSM and still have this type of relationship. Later, I realized that I could have all 4 of these things and have wild, lustful, passionate BDSM sex as well. But it came through accepting who I was and what my true desires were.


Rose, I have to tell you what an amazing thread you started and nurtured here. Your guidance along with the wonderful posts that people have made to this thread are simply amazing. This should be a must read for all newcomers, and will join the only thread that I repeatedly bump (the predator).

Congratulations on an absolutely outstanding thread.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank You

Mr.Zip and MissT for your nice words.

It is always an honor when you post to my threads.

 

[SierraMoon]

Over the past year, i have come to know parts of myself that i didn't know existed, or rather i never acknowledged that they existed.

i started reading books, looking up websites, and talking with others about the BDSM lifestyle, even tho i was scared that i may actually fit into it.

i found Lit, and the people here were so great to me, and made me realize that there wasn't anything wrong with what i enjoyed, wanted, craved. i no longer felt like an outsider looking in. i was a part of something real, and it helped me come to terms with my sexuality. i lifted my head high, and felt a peace go through me, at knowing i finally identified with who i was. It was a very liberating feeling, finally feeling comfortable in my skin.

i still have doubts about whether or not i'm a "good" submissive, but that is for my Dom to decide, and help me work through..

just my 2 cents

 

[jon.hayworth]

Everyone I have to say a great big thank you to all of you. Especially to you A Desert Rose - I am a Dom and also a writer - at the moment I am working on a novel and I was trying to get into the Sub character's head.

A problem for me was the contradiction - between the woman's public persona - 21st century career woman, and her bedroom persona in which she accepts a submissive role, behaving in a manner entirely contradictory to her public behaviour. I think A Desert Rose has posted the answer.

For myself I am comfortable with who and what I am. I publish my work using my own name and with my location clearly identifiable - if other people don't like who / what I am that is their problem. I trust (maybe niavely) that in this age when there is greater acceptance of the S&M lifestyle and sexual activity that I will not be burnt/ bombed out of my home.

That said I do live in the UK where people into S&M have been prosecuted and convicted for assault on the basis that the victim cannot legally agree to an assault . (Take a look at the Spanner case if you are interested).

I am who I am, and I have to live with who I am: for any other path would lead to insanity.

jon

 

[A Desert Rose]

sheeesh I must be tired...

 

[Ebonyfire]

More Thoughts

I have not felt as much angst about who I am mainly because of who I am. My mother raised to be independent and self sufficient. She succeeded way beyond her wildest dream, which she found out when even she could not control me. I have driven my own bus all my life, so being dominant is not a surprise.

I do know male subs who have difficulty reconciling their desired with societal norms.

I had an interesting conversation with one last night. He thinks that he loves a woman who thinks that D/s is a perversion, and will be able to "give it up" to marry her and all will be well.

I liked what zipman said. Read his post carefully, especially if you think you will be able to submerge the D/s side of your being.

I explained to the sub that I talk daily to married men and women who have spouses who cannot or will not embrace the D/s in a partner. Most never knew it existed because the partner did not know or did not tell them about who they really are.

Now there is a lot of pain and strain in the marriage, and they are thinking if cheating on their beloved spouse.

This is not good.

So I feel compelled to say that accepting yourself means you may have to risk rejection by those you love. Take the time to give your partner the information they need to know how you are.

You must be willing to risk it all, to gain it all.

Ebony

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: More Thoughts

I have not felt as much angst about who I am mainly because of who I am. My mother raised to be independent and self sufficient. She succeeded way beyond her wildest dream, which she found out when even she could not control me. I have driven my own bus all my life, so being dominant is not a surprise.

I do know male subs who have difficulty reconciling their desired with societal norms.

I had an interesting conversation with one last night. He thinks that he loves a woman who thinks that D/s is a perversion, and will be able to "give it up" to marry her and all will be well.

I liked what zipman said. Read his post carefully, especially if you think you will be able to submerge the D/s side of your being.

I explained to the sub that I talk daily to married men and women who have spouses who cannot or will not embrace the D/s in a partner. Most never knew it existed because the partner did not know or did not tell them about who they really are.

Now there is a lot of pain and strain in the marriage, and they are thinking if cheating on their beloved spouse.

This is not good.

So I feel compelled to say that accepting yourself means you may have to risk rejection by those you love. Take the time to give your partner the information they need to know how you are.

You must be willing to risk it all, to gain it all.

Ebony

Excellent post and thank you for gracing this thread, Eb.

I think you can only deny who you are for a short time. It becomes an internal battle and eventually, some thing gives. I have read others say that they will "give up" D/s, too. I don't think that can be done. Of course, behaviors can be modified and changed but who and what we fundementally are cannot be denied forever.

I think seeking out happiness, love and contentment in our lives is what we all do, inherently. Struggling to bury those aspects in our lives that will give us those things, is a losing battle.

Your last 2 paragraphs are wonderful... risk it all, to gain it all. So well said! Thank you again.

 

[A Desert Rose]

STRETCH yourself...


Set realistic goals. The keyword is "realistic."

Trust yourself. When it comes time to make important life decisions, believe you have the ability to make them.

Realize no one is perfect.

Establish healthy, relaxing habits.

Think positively instead of negatively. We all have strengths and weaknesses.

Cherish life. Time on earth is precious for everyone

Have the courage to ask for help.

By Bethany Broadwell