Advice from Masters...

[RJMasters]

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[Guest]

In my case it would depend a lot on your questions. Some things I can perhaps help with, others I may not. There are two things I recommend though, to start with:

1) Get the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" from Greenery Press - http://www.greenerypress.com/ and read it and incorporate some of the ideas in your discussions with her. If you think she is open-minded enough to read it on her own, let her read it then open discussions on the subject.

2) Find a local BDSM education or support group or public dungeon. Try SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html On line "advice" can only take you so far. Finding people you can interact with, learn from, watch, particpate with, talk to is incredibly important and can take you much farther than online discussion.

Hope that helps!

Sure did. Thanks for the websites...

 

[Guest]

The best advice I can give you in a few sentences is to live it, be it.

It's like when picking up a chick. Many say you should go up to her and talk to her like she's an old friend, but I always say talk to her like she's already your girlfriend. That way you give her an easy path to fall into that role if she wants it.

Same thing works with mastery. Don't think of it as converting her, but rather as giving her a chance to fall into that role. I'm a fan of giving unnecessarily complex instructions. When I'm done fucking a girl for the first time for example, I might ask her to get me a glass of water, using one of the tall glasses, four cubes of ice and 3 napkins to keep the glass from sweating on the table. If she brings you 3 ice cubes and 4 napkins, whup her ass.

Well, handle it your way, but I think you get the point.

I see what you mean. I like your style also. I'm not sure if that would work with her, mainly because i'm trying to ease her into this. But i know you gave me some cool ideas. ehehehe. I had used the complex instructions before, but i never thought of punishing them for it, i would just make her lay in bed and i would tease her for an hour until she was begging for cock. Then i'd just deny it to her until such time where i saw fit to give it to her. Punishment is a good idea... But i have to be carefull selecting which one...

 

[Guest]

I may not be a Dominant, though I do have some experience thanks to the quirks of my Master, but seems to me you first need to decide if you want to be a Dominant, or if you just want to be seen as a leader.....or hopefully not, domineering....all 3 have different criteria, and as most know, the actively Dominant role requires a consenting, and willing submissive, not just someone you feel you would like to submit to you. It also comes down much more to headspace than actions. Spanking is fine, if you are into it and have the power behind it in the brain department. It goes without saying, theoretically anyone can spank the butt of another if that is all that is required.....that does not necessarily translate to dominance over though.

I have had the interesting experience of seeing the difference of this when I was required to top another and brought dominance into the picture as the recipient said that was what they craved and swore they had experienced before. Going by the actions I had seen evidence of him having endured, and adding the dominance with a lot of head work, it soon became obvious that though he craved it, he had never experienced it before above the shoulders. He needed a little time to chill out, but seems it was what he hoped for (even though it was a shock to his system) as he is making sure I understand he wants to continue and will make sure his hiccough does not happen again.

As others have said also, communication is one of the biggest parts of the whole D/s package, especially in the embryonic stage. First talk about what has been going through your heaad, why you think you might like to experiment, why you might find you do not want to continue or that you might want it more as an infrequent thing than a 24/7 situation...then if she responds in a favourable way in that she wants to begin the journey of discovery with you, begin looking at checklists to see what you both feel OK with initially, and make sure you are aware of the safety measures required for any activity you think of trying. Most of all, remember that any relationship needs balance in some area and usually part of that is having fun together and enjoying those things about each other that attract you in the first place. Also another thing that often is not mentioned until somone begins to have difficulties is that being Dominant does not mean you are infallible or that you always know best...quite the opposite, you are human, you can and will make mistakes, and unfortunately no-one on this planet knows everything so it just might happen there will be times when your submissive is the one with the required knowledge or best idea on how something would work best, especially when it entails their body, heart, and psych. Being Dominant in those situations is being able to incorporate and use that to the best advantage of the relationship and growth, and if you stuff up, being able to take responsibility for it and also admit it and if necessary, apologise. Hope you have fun with your adventure as it is well worth all the ups and downs you might encounter.

Catalina

I sw your post and i thank your for it, i'll repply appropriately after i have read it a few more times. I want to understand exactly what youre saying. Thanks

 

[Guest]

Have to say re-read what Catalina has said. She makes some very good observations.

The first step is you deciding who you are and where you are going. I know that you are concerned if your girlfriend will want to walk this path you are considering, however that is truely a secondary issue at the moment.

Look at it this way...If your GF decides that she doesn't want any part of a BDSM lifestyle, will that change who you are?

You see, the true issue is who are you. Once you have settle the matter in your own mind, then it is not a matter of you trying to indroduce your GF to a particular lifestyle, it is about you communicating to her who you are and what you want out of life. It is only then she can make a decision to be with you for the person you are, or she can't. You may not be all that sure yourself but may have a desire to explore this part of you. This is what you need to be communicating to your GF. Telling her you are learning new things about yourself and having a desire to explore them further is ok. Asking her to be a part in helping you explore these things is also ok.

If you are afraid that you GF will not accept this, and therefore you decide not to pursue this in your life, then you are not ready to take the next step nor are you prepared to lead another in taking this step.

As to the responsibility aspect of your question, I will let others more qualified answer.

My last piece of advice for someone new looking into this is: Do not confuse your kink and sexual preferences with what it means to be a Dominant or a Submissive.
Kink and sexual preference will find thier proper expression naturally. Meaning that if you are a dominant person, you will naturally enjoy anykind of sex where you are dominating and visa versa for a submissive type person(this is a generalization but true none the less). Learn early on to seperate these two in your mind and it will make alot of the coming decision less confusing. Keep in mind this forum covers a broad spectrum of BDSM. there are many who enjoy the kink and fetishes associated with BDSM and have little to no hint of D/s in their relationship. There are also those who's sex life has hardly any fetish or kink in it, yet their relationship is satisfying because there is a constant power exchange occuring. Then there are those who have a healthy mixture of both going on.

Your inqury leans heavily to wanting a D/s relationship, make sure you understand what that is. Wanting agressive kinky sex does not a D/s relationship make, however more often than not a good D/s relationship has alot of agressive kinky sex.

Oh i will. I want to read it quietly and think about it before replying to her post.

Yeah, i know. I'm working hard at figuring out who I am and what exactly do I like before starting to talk to her about this stuff. I'm not sure if it change who i am. Probably not, even though i can adapt easily to just about anything, i don't think it would change me, my real desires.

I think you are absolutely right about the whole exploring bit. I could have never figured that out on my own.

Well, i'm ready to share this with her but i'm affraid that she might be turned off by the idea of exploring. I see it in her, when were having sex and it gets wilder that she loves it. I would just like to know how much wilder does she like.

Oh, i dont want just a sexual dominance over her. I want to have a mix of life and sexual dominance. I know it's a big responsability, but at the same time it already sort of happens anyways. I just want to make it "official" and i want her to be aware that i would like to explore her and with her.

I'm not looking that much for agressive, but more for submission. I really hate it when i have to be agressive. Especially towards her. Mainly because A) i can be very agressive and that scares me personally B) because she has no idea of what i'm capable of doing if motivated to do so. I just prefer to be a nice guy.

Thanks for your help!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I sw your post and i thank your for it, i'll repply appropriately after i have read it a few more times. I want to understand exactly what youre saying. Thanks

Feel free to ask for clarification on anything.

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

I see what you mean. I like your style also. I'm not sure if that would work with her, mainly because i'm trying to ease her into this. But i know you gave me some cool ideas. ehehehe. I had used the complex instructions before, but i never thought of punishing them for it, i would just make her lay in bed and i would tease her for an hour until she was begging for cock. Then i'd just deny it to her until such time where i saw fit to give it to her. Punishment is a good idea... But i have to be carefull selecting which one...

Remember:

you can ease a horse into a stable, but you can't ease an elephant into a Porsche.

 

[Guest]

I may not be a Dominant, though I do have some experience thanks to the quirks of my Master, but seems to me you first need to decide if you want to be a Dominant, or if you just want to be seen as a leader.....or hopefully not, domineering....all 3 have different criteria, and as most know, the actively Dominant role requires a consenting, and willing submissive, not just someone you feel you would like to submit to you. It also comes down much more to headspace than actions. Spanking is fine, if you are into it and have the power behind it in the brain department. It goes without saying, theoretically anyone can spank the butt of another if that is all that is required.....that does not necessarily translate to dominance over though.

I have had the interesting experience of seeing the difference of this when I was required to top another and brought dominance into the picture as the recipient said that was what they craved and swore they had experienced before. Going by the actions I had seen evidence of him having endured, and adding the dominance with a lot of head work, it soon became obvious that though he craved it, he had never experienced it before above the shoulders. He needed a little time to chill out, but seems it was what he hoped for (even though it was a shock to his system) as he is making sure I understand he wants to continue and will make sure his hiccough does not happen again.

As others have said also, communication is one of the biggest parts of the whole D/s package, especially in the embryonic stage. First talk about what has been going through your heaad, why you think you might like to experiment, why you might find you do not want to continue or that you might want it more as an infrequent thing than a 24/7 situation...then if she responds in a favourable way in that she wants to begin the journey of discovery with you, begin looking at checklists to see what you both feel OK with initially, and make sure you are aware of the safety measures required for any activity you think of trying. Most of all, remember that any relationship needs balance in some area and usually part of that is having fun together and enjoying those things about each other that attract you in the first place. Also another thing that often is not mentioned until somone begins to have difficulties is that being Dominant does not mean you are infallible or that you always know best...quite the opposite, you are human, you can and will make mistakes, and unfortunately no-one on this planet knows everything so it just might happen there will be times when your submissive is the one with the required knowledge or best idea on how something would work best, especially when it entails their body, heart, and psych. Being Dominant in those situations is being able to incorporate and use that to the best advantage of the relationship and growth, and if you stuff up, being able to take responsibility for it and also admit it and if necessary, apologise. Hope you have fun with your adventure as it is well worth all the ups and downs you might encounter.

Catalina

After some thought about it today, i think i'm going to be a mix of dominant and leader. I would never be domineering. I understand what you mean, using a spanking to assert your dominance over someone, not just spank just because. I want her to not only respect me, but to follow my decisions and restrictions. Of course i also want her to do what i allow her to do, but not making it all too dark or negative. You know what i mean?

The experience you talk about seems interesting. I'd love to hear more about it. Maybe in a PM or through a messenger? Let me know...

Yes, i'm well aware of communication. I've been dating her for almost 2 years now and since day one we've been in constant communication about everything. As everyone, we go through some dryer periods of communication, but we keep each other aware of what's going on.
As it was said before, i need to decide in my own head what to do and what path to follow. Only then i can follow your advice and talk to her about what i'd like to experiment with. I know that i'm not perfect, but if i do go through this, i'm going to do my best to always do the right decisions. That's why i don't want her to become just a mindless sub, i value her input and her knowledge, but the ultimate decision has to be mine.
Thanks for your help, it sure has helped me think harder on what i want to do...

 

[Guest]

Remember:

you can ease a horse into a stable, but you can't ease an elephant into a Porsche.

LOLOLOLOL, nice. Very true.

 

[RJMasters]

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[Guest]

You would be surprised what you can do with peanut butter!

Peanut butter huh? Crunchy or soft?

 

[RJMasters]

......

 

[Guest]

Depends on how good or bad one has behaved lately.

mmmmm, i see what you mean... Very interesting concept. ehehehe. I guess i've should have lost my shyness about this a long time ago, y'all are nice.

 

[caela]

Depends on how good or bad one has behaved lately.

RJ, you're scary.

 

[Netzach]

My advice?

Talk to your gf.

There's no set protocol for this stuff, and what works for some people totally doesn't work for others.

I know people who use corporal punishment in relationships all the time to great effect. This weekend my husband and I re-discovered why corporal punishment is just always a bad idea for us. He was a trooper for trying it, I was brave for hauling off on his ass, and both of us talked about it later and decided this is not the way to change behavior.

Just remember to stay human and rational. Be prepared for her not to like this idea as much as you or to like it way way more than you, too, as you've been thinking about it but not talking about it.

 

[Guest]

RJ, you're scary.

I think he's just creative...

 

[Guest]

My advice?

Talk to your gf.

There's no set protocol for this stuff, and what works for some people totally doesn't work for others.

I know people who use corporal punishment in relationships all the time to great effect. This weekend my husband and I re-discovered why corporal punishment is just always a bad idea for us. He was a trooper for trying it, I was brave for hauling off on his ass, and both of us talked about it later and decided this is not the way to change behavior.

Just remember to stay human and rational. Be prepared for her not to like this idea as much as you or to like it way way more than you, too, as you've been thinking about it but not talking about it.

I see your point. Corporal punishment was a good example. I can stay human and rational, i just dont want her to be affraid or me and i dont want to give out the image that i just want to beat her up. Her parents took care of that while she was growing up. Could she get mad that i've been kiding this from her?

 

[caela]

I think he's just creative...

Creative...scary (in a good way)...is there really a difference?

 

[Guest]

Creative...scary (in a good way)...is there really a difference?

I guess you may have a point there...

 

[CutieMouse]

I noticed y'all are in Fort Worth (former Dallas suburbs girl here)...

There is a monthly munch (kink friendly dinner party in a public place) every 4th Friday in Dallas. I went a few times- nice people, not terribly scary... ok the line forming to get 1/2 price tickets to the public dungeon afterwards *IMO* was scary, but overall just a crowd of 200+ people being normal D/FW types who happen to feel safe/free to discuss things like BDSM. There is also a monthly group specificly for submissives that meets at a La Madeline or something with a lecture series/book club/etc. (I never got around to attending that) Try a google search on BDSM Groups Dallas... I think the submissives group is yahoo.group based.

As an experienced inexperienced soul (confusing enough? ) I'd say talk. Then talk more. Then for God's sake start educating yourselves [both]. Read, talk, listen, seek out mentoring friendships, attend munches together and talk some more. Go slowly. Love is precious and Romantic BDSM can be more fragile than crystal. (I probably ought to point out *my* opinions come from a Romantic BDSM perspective ) Remember ya'll are human and bring your own experiences to this Life you share. That does not mean that each other's "issues" will make X activity off limits, but it does mean X activity needs to be approached with compassion, agreement, and understanding.

RJ isn't scary... he's a totall sweetie... a bit twisted for liking crunchy peanut butter, but then we all have our faults, right?

 

[Guest]

I noticed y'all are in Fort Worth (former Dallas suburbs girl here)...

There is a monthly munch (kink friendly dinner party in a public place) every 4th Friday in Dallas. I went a few times- nice people, not terribly scary... ok the line forming to get 1/2 price tickets to the public dungeon afterwards *IMO* was scary, but overall just a crowd of 200+ people being normal D/FW types who happen to feel safe/free to discuss things like BDSM. There is also a monthly group specificly for submissives that meets at a La Madeline or something with a lecture series/book club/etc. (I never got around to attending that) Try a google search on BDSM Groups Dallas... I think the submissives group is yahoo.group based.

As an experienced inexperienced soul (confusing enough? ) I'd say talk. Then talk more. Then for God's sake start educating yourselves [both]. Read, talk, listen, seek out mentoring friendships, attend munches together and talk some more. Go slowly. Love is precious and Romantic BDSM can be more fragile than crystal. (I probably ought to point out *my* opinions come from a Romantic BDSM perspective ) Remember ya'll are human and bring your own experiences to this Life you share. That does not mean that each other's "issues" will make X activity off limits, but it does mean X activity needs to be approached with compassion, agreement, and understanding.

RJ isn't scary... he's a totall sweetie... a bit twisted for liking crunchy peanut butter, but then we all have our faults, right?

Hey, i like crunchy peanut butter too and i'm not twisted, am i?
Thanks for saying something, i'll defenetely look into that...
Ok, dumb question even though u kinda explained it. What exactly happens in a munche gathering?

 

[CutieMouse]

I only went to a couple. It's held at Pappa's BBQ down off Loop 12/NW Hwy on resturaunt row. THey ahve a whole side of the resturaunt blocked off for the 4th Friday group (no giant neon bullwhips or dildos or anything to alert the "vanilla" customers of kinkiness ). You get a name tag and go through the line to buy dinner; then pick a place to sit. People tend to be pretty nice and there are hostesses to help the new people find a table/make acquaintences. About 9:30 people start lining up and get tickets to get into a public dungeon/play party at 1/2 price, and by 10:30 the place is pretty empty. I didn't ever do the public dungeon thing- way not my style.

The first time I went I met Esclava (she used to post here at Lit) and we had a really nice time talking about Life; the second time I went I didn't see anyone I knew so I asked if I might join a table and turns out I sat with an entire group of Dommes with submissive men. That was pretty fascinating actually... That was gosh... about a year ago? It was when I identified myself as quite submissive and the idea of taking charge in any way shape or form made me twitch. <laughing> Very nice people. I got hit on a few times, but I tend to ignore getting hit on regardless of where I'm at so there ya go.

It was just a nice social evening. I occasionally saw some beautiful cross dressers; a collar here and there, but overall people were pretty typical suburbanites who happened to not be embarrassed to discuss polyamory or power exchange or where to buy latex whilst eating BBQ. I didn't go more than a couple times because I'm a somewhat wall-flowerish more comfy in groups of 6-10 than a mingle in a group of 150+ people drinking beer sort.

And those who like crunchy peanut butter are across the board weird. Crunchy PB tears bread too easily when you make PB&J sandwiches; the only proper and acceptable use for crunchy PB is in homemade cookies.

 

[Guest]

I only went to a couple. It's held at Pappa's BBQ down off Loop 12/NW Hwy on resturaunt row. THey ahve a whole side of the resturaunt blocked off for the 4th Friday group (no giant neon bullwhips or dildos or anything to alert the "vanilla" customers of kinkiness ). You get a name tag and go through the line to buy dinner; then pick a place to sit. People tend to be pretty nice and there are hostesses to help the new people find a table/make acquaintences. About 9:30 people start lining up and get tickets to get into a public dungeon/play party at 1/2 price, and by 10:30 the place is pretty empty. I didn't ever do the public dungeon thing- way not my style.

The first time I went I met Esclava (she used to post here at Lit) and we had a really nice time talking about Life; the second time I went I didn't see anyone I knew so I asked if I might join a table and turns out I sat with an entire group of Dommes with submissive men. That was pretty fascinating actually... That was gosh... about a year ago? It was when I identified myself as quite submissive and the idea of taking charge in any way shape or form made me twitch. <laughing> Very nice people. I got hit on a few times, but I tend to ignore getting hit on regardless of where I'm at so there ya go.

It was just a nice social evening. I occasionally saw some beautiful cross dressers; a collar here and there, but overall people were pretty typical suburbanites who happened to not be embarrassed to discuss polyamory or power exchange or where to buy latex whilst eating BBQ. I didn't go more than a couple times because I'm a somewhat wall-flowerish more comfy in groups of 6-10 than a mingle in a group of 150+ people drinking beer sort.

And those who like crunchy peanut butter are across the board weird. Crunchy PB tears bread too easily when you make PB&J sandwiches; the only proper and acceptable use for crunchy PB is in homemade cookies.

I see. All of that sounds really interesting...
I'd love to talk to you some more. Would you mind talking on yahoo or something like that?

And btw, i love crunchy peanut butter, but i apply it on lightly toasted bread. It's probably a european thing i guess...

 

[CutieMouse]

I worked at a coffee shop once upon a time and had a regular customer who always got a moderately toasted cinamon rasin bagel with peanut butter. Nothing is weird after that.

 

[RJMasters]

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