Am I being unreasonable?
- Thread starter SweetDommes
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SweetDommes
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Natasha, it's not that I'm uninterested in them all, it's that I'm uninterested in them at this point. I didn't want to hear the first one, and the fact that they are now all variations of the first few that he told me doesn't help. It's mostly irritating that he doesn't listen to me and I can't redirect him.
LadyNatasha
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SweetDommes said:
Ah. I guess my question now is, why are you still talking to him? LOL
SweetDommes
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LadyNatasha said:
I believe that question is already answered - still talking to him because a- Holly likes him, and b- other that this particular issue, I like him as well.
Etoile
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I'm not sure that he's topping from the bottom exactly. There was even a thread here recently about whether or not sharing fantasies with your PYL is appropriate. I don't think a sub having a fantasy is inappropriate, and I don't think telling it is inappropriate. The part that IS is when he ignores your request to stop, but that's not really topping from the bottom...it's just being way too pushy.
This actually sounds like some of the guys Mistress Matisse deals with on a regular basis as a pro-Domme. Potential clients who get too insistent about a specific scene are often rejected. Her blog is often a fun read when she shares these stories.
I think you've already heard most of our opinions so I won't reiterate, but I do look forward to hearing what ends up happening.
This actually sounds like some of the guys Mistress Matisse deals with on a regular basis as a pro-Domme. Potential clients who get too insistent about a specific scene are often rejected. Her blog is often a fun read when she shares these stories.
I think you've already heard most of our opinions so I won't reiterate, but I do look forward to hearing what ends up happening.
DarkLadyOfDeath
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Be assertive.. I know.. I know.. But that seems to be the main issue.. he pushes.. and you give in... So he does it again.. and again.. and you get the idea. The behavior keeps getting reinforced.. It's like telling a kid they can't have candy... but everytime they whine mommy or daddy gives in and gives it to them.. eventually it just gets the the point the child learns that No doesn't really mean no... I agree with hanging up on him. Treat him like a child.. until he stops acting like one. Nobody's perfect.. Be firm, but respectful. and as amuseing as it is to have him write a journal 'r e-mails... and not read them. Is that how you would want to be treated put in that posisition? Sounds like he's unsure.. and testing his boundries with you. Honesty never does more damage then a lie. and if your looking for a semi-permenet arrangement why go into it lieing?.. just some ideas.. and thoughts.
Soulfiregirl
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- what everyone else in this thread said -
SweetDommes
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Well, at this point, we still haven't heard from him again - if we don't hear from him soon (like, this weekend) I'm done with him entirely.
SweetDommes
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I don't know, but since I posted the same thread on collarme, he might have read it there.
I think it all depends on what u both want. If u are looking for someone that has no desires at all and just wants to please u then I suggest you find someone else.
I think hes probably a nice guy, and if he has any sense he would be interested in fulfilling your desires as well. If u want whatever it is you want from him then you should do exactly as he is doing to you and ask for it, if he doesnt appreciate that then he maybe a bit selfish.
If he asks for something you dont like then dont do it, but dont expect him to do something he wouldnt like either.
If a woman asked me to lick her period or something I'd be Honoured that she felt comfortable enough to ask for such a thing even tho I wouldnt do it.
Im the kind of guy that can accept a person may not be into something I'm into but I usually make an effort to do what other people require in general.
I think hes probably a nice guy, and if he has any sense he would be interested in fulfilling your desires as well. If u want whatever it is you want from him then you should do exactly as he is doing to you and ask for it, if he doesnt appreciate that then he maybe a bit selfish.
If he asks for something you dont like then dont do it, but dont expect him to do something he wouldnt like either.
If a woman asked me to lick her period or something I'd be Honoured that she felt comfortable enough to ask for such a thing even tho I wouldnt do it.
Im the kind of guy that can accept a person may not be into something I'm into but I usually make an effort to do what other people require in general.
SweetDommes
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This is not a case of him saying "how can I please you, Mistress" (oh, and by the way, the word is "you" not "u") ... this is a case of him repeatedly ignoring my saying "no" to him.
Anyway if he wants his fantasies fullfulled he should expect to have to pay for it (not financially) but in the sense that he would treat u in the same way he expects to be treated himself, which is to be listened to. He may be a do-me but he may just be very keen and exited.
ie If a person goes to a gym loads to look good and please u, is all that work really just for themself knowing that pleasing you pleases them? confusing maybe I think.
Do me people probably exist in most sexualities but I think it could be a bit easy to pigeon hole them.
I think its fair to say that most people with any sense want to please who ever they are with no matter what their sexuality is.
If I where a Domme I dont think I'd be happy knowing my sub wasnt pleased in some way.
As a sub I wouldnt be happy knowing my Domme wasnt pleased with me.
ie If a person goes to a gym loads to look good and please u, is all that work really just for themself knowing that pleasing you pleases them? confusing maybe I think.
Do me people probably exist in most sexualities but I think it could be a bit easy to pigeon hole them.
I think its fair to say that most people with any sense want to please who ever they are with no matter what their sexuality is.
If I where a Domme I dont think I'd be happy knowing my sub wasnt pleased in some way.
As a sub I wouldnt be happy knowing my Domme wasnt pleased with me.
Coming to think of it, if/when a woman asks me 'How can I please you?' I could get a bit turned off. (cos Im a sub not someone who thinks they are desperate).
Maybe you need to train him into how to please you and he might find he really enjoys it. I know Id love it.
I can understand that he may be approaching what he wants in the wrong way.
I think he should be asking you what you want, its his duty.
Maybe you need to train him into how to please you and he might find he really enjoys it. I know Id love it.
I can understand that he may be approaching what he wants in the wrong way.
I think he should be asking you what you want, its his duty.
I think she also reads into things a bit too much to. Such as when she thought I was implying that I thought a sub saying 'How can I please u mistress' was actually true of her situation, I was merely pointing out the other end of the scale.
Im a bit amused by her critsisms of my use of 'u' when I am an adult, who as a child used to hate people that call each other 'M8', but now Im mature enough to know its just another language people use, and its kind of grown on me.
I think weirder behaviour is from the French who give a sex to a table, but I dont think people would put them down for that.
Im a bit amused by her critsisms of my use of 'u' when I am an adult, who as a child used to hate people that call each other 'M8', but now Im mature enough to know its just another language people use, and its kind of grown on me.
I think weirder behaviour is from the French who give a sex to a table, but I dont think people would put them down for that.
SweetDommes
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You know, I was going to post a big long post in reply to you ... but that's what you want - I will not feed your need to troll for a fight. Think whatever you want about me, my friends, my family and I all know the truth and that is enough.
SweetDommes
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And back on topic ...
It's now been over a week since we heard from him, and since one of our requirements is that they keep in contact at least twice a week, he had better show up tonight with a damn good excuse or he's gone. We do understand that life happens, but geez, he was online for at least a few seconds every day for awhile, and he can't even get online once to say "hey I'm busy, talk to you later" ? So, whatever ... we have a couple of other potentials that haven't irritated me that Holly likes ok too ... maybe one of them will work out for us (I can hope, right?).
It's now been over a week since we heard from him, and since one of our requirements is that they keep in contact at least twice a week, he had better show up tonight with a damn good excuse or he's gone. We do understand that life happens, but geez, he was online for at least a few seconds every day for awhile, and he can't even get online once to say "hey I'm busy, talk to you later" ? So, whatever ... we have a couple of other potentials that haven't irritated me that Holly likes ok too ... maybe one of them will work out for us (I can hope, right?).
serijules
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*snipped* Oh screw that comment, it's pointless anyhow.
*ahem* anyhow...
My first impression of this guy from the first post is "oh boy, horny net geek". My Domme and I talked abotu fantasies in length long before she owned me (and still do)...but those conversations naturally occured, they were not initiated. I didn't flat out tell her "I have this fantasy, wanna hear it?". That to me is liking walking up to someone in a bar and saying "You look hot, wanna fuck?" Verbal foreplay has its place even in casual conversation.
We would be talking about something we read or heard or saw or did or thought of, and if it led into sharing of a fantasy, it would be so at her invitation. "Tell me more about that." or "How would you react/feel if..." His insistance on forcing his fantasies on you is a sign to me that he is not interested in having a lifestyle with you (as you would expect) but in having you be a prop in fulfilling his fantasies. Maybe he is just so ignorant that he cannot pick up on your disinterest or exasperation, and if that is the case, I'm not sure I would want to be involved with someone that naive...it could lead to some really disasterous situations. The only way to really know though is to either directly deal with it, or make assumptions. Assumptions suck.
That being said...while it may be only one problem, it is a rather significant one. Perhaps one that can be trained out of him though, unless he is completely unwilling to submit to your wisdom and preferences. Some of the replies suggest finding a solution where you don't have to deal with it (making bored comments, journalling, emailing, etc). I don't find those solutions to be advisable because it is not fair to him to let him continue a behaviour that he may not realize exists without giving him the chance to correct it. I would be straight forward with him...."Look, when you do this, this is how I react, this is how it makes me feel, this is why I don't find it acceptable, this is why it has to change, and if you are not willing to make this effort, this will not work." You are not obligated to share your thoughts and feelings with him, but if you want the behaviour to change, I think you need to put it into a form that he will have no choice but to attempt to comprehend.
I'm not a fan of beating around the bush...from either role. Not to say I never do it, but I'm not a fan of it regardless. You are the dominant in this potential relationship, but you don't seem to be asserting that dominant in a perfect situation to do so based on what you've said. This could easily be used as a "test" of sorts too...to see how he responds to your desires, to see how he responds and what efforts he puts forth regarding your training of him. They key is to let him KNOW it is a test...to do otherwise could be manipulative. Rather than viewing it as a "con", perhaps have him turn it into a "pro" by making it clear to him that this is his opportunity to show you that he is compatible with you as a submissive.
Just my two cents
*ahem* anyhow...
My first impression of this guy from the first post is "oh boy, horny net geek". My Domme and I talked abotu fantasies in length long before she owned me (and still do)...but those conversations naturally occured, they were not initiated. I didn't flat out tell her "I have this fantasy, wanna hear it?". That to me is liking walking up to someone in a bar and saying "You look hot, wanna fuck?" Verbal foreplay has its place even in casual conversation.
We would be talking about something we read or heard or saw or did or thought of, and if it led into sharing of a fantasy, it would be so at her invitation. "Tell me more about that." or "How would you react/feel if..." His insistance on forcing his fantasies on you is a sign to me that he is not interested in having a lifestyle with you (as you would expect) but in having you be a prop in fulfilling his fantasies. Maybe he is just so ignorant that he cannot pick up on your disinterest or exasperation, and if that is the case, I'm not sure I would want to be involved with someone that naive...it could lead to some really disasterous situations. The only way to really know though is to either directly deal with it, or make assumptions. Assumptions suck.
That being said...while it may be only one problem, it is a rather significant one. Perhaps one that can be trained out of him though, unless he is completely unwilling to submit to your wisdom and preferences. Some of the replies suggest finding a solution where you don't have to deal with it (making bored comments, journalling, emailing, etc). I don't find those solutions to be advisable because it is not fair to him to let him continue a behaviour that he may not realize exists without giving him the chance to correct it. I would be straight forward with him...."Look, when you do this, this is how I react, this is how it makes me feel, this is why I don't find it acceptable, this is why it has to change, and if you are not willing to make this effort, this will not work." You are not obligated to share your thoughts and feelings with him, but if you want the behaviour to change, I think you need to put it into a form that he will have no choice but to attempt to comprehend.
I'm not a fan of beating around the bush...from either role. Not to say I never do it, but I'm not a fan of it regardless. You are the dominant in this potential relationship, but you don't seem to be asserting that dominant in a perfect situation to do so based on what you've said. This could easily be used as a "test" of sorts too...to see how he responds to your desires, to see how he responds and what efforts he puts forth regarding your training of him. They key is to let him KNOW it is a test...to do otherwise could be manipulative. Rather than viewing it as a "con", perhaps have him turn it into a "pro" by making it clear to him that this is his opportunity to show you that he is compatible with you as a submissive.
Just my two cents
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Femme TresBelle
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I can't believe I haven't seen anyone post such a simple explanation, as the possibility that this guy simply gets off by discussing sex with women, and is trying deftly to goad you into a discussion of his fantasies. In other words, he's interested in phone sex.
Curious to know, have you even met this guy in person? If not, I would insist on having a face to face meeting with someone, before investing so much time and energy with the phone calls and emails. One email and phone call should be plenty to decide if a face to face meeting is even worth your time. After that has taken place, make him/her prove his/her sincerity by meeting you in public. You may find a lot of people are simply wasting your time, because it excites them to fantasize, but they have no intentions of actually seeing it through. Sounds like this guy may have decided you're a dead end, since you weren't taking the bait (good for you). I'm sure he's moved on to the next girl, who will innocently get sucked into discussing his sexual fantasies over the phone, before she realizes she's been had.
Femme
Curious to know, have you even met this guy in person? If not, I would insist on having a face to face meeting with someone, before investing so much time and energy with the phone calls and emails. One email and phone call should be plenty to decide if a face to face meeting is even worth your time. After that has taken place, make him/her prove his/her sincerity by meeting you in public. You may find a lot of people are simply wasting your time, because it excites them to fantasize, but they have no intentions of actually seeing it through. Sounds like this guy may have decided you're a dead end, since you weren't taking the bait (good for you). I'm sure he's moved on to the next girl, who will innocently get sucked into discussing his sexual fantasies over the phone, before she realizes she's been had.
Femme
SweetDommes
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We have our own methods on how we work meeting face to face with a potential - if we can't converse with them online then how on earth would it ever work out face to face?
And if he's wanting phone sex, he's obviously disappointed, because my normal contributions are "ok" and "alright" ...
But anyway, as I said, it doesn't look like it is going to be an issue.
And if he's wanting phone sex, he's obviously disappointed, because my normal contributions are "ok" and "alright" ...
But anyway, as I said, it doesn't look like it is going to be an issue.
