am I SUPPOSED to feel like this???

[skittles_lm]

Hey skittles, thanks bunches for your post. It IS nice to know I'm not the only one! I totally got the "twitterpated" comment too, I guess one would have to have young kids to know the reference. (thump thump thump thump) {GRIN}
btw, LOVE your AV pic. NICE!

why thanks! And seriously, all these huge feelings, it'll tone itself down in time. and and Dom(me) worth their salt knows it. All you have in a relationship like this is trust. So if He says it is ok, you have to believe him. He would say so if it bothered Him.

 

[skittles_lm]

I'm sure I have absolutely no idea what you are refering to, young lady!

*wide eyes* No, Sir, of course not! I must have mistaken you for some other evil genius. *nods vigorously* I will watch myself in the future...unless you feel the need to punish me for my transgressions...

 

[wenchhh]

and now???

Perhaps some of my more experienced sub friends can help me with this.
Attached this here so that those who bother to read this will understand a little of the history.
Here's what I want to know. Subs, when your master is displeased with you, or his attn is on another of his property, or he does something that seems like it's purposefully meant to hurt you (not physically) .... What do you do? What do you feel and how do you respond??? Things have been peachy with me and my Sir thusfar, and in fact, in the last couple of days I've felt closer to him than ever. I THOUGHT I finally sensed that I meant a lot to him, and that we were on the same wavelength as far as our feelings towards each other goes. Today, some things happened, and for some reason, after really letting me get close to him this morning, he was especially brutal this evening, saying things like "I know this is a tough one for you to handle..." and "I know this will hurt but...". Then he told me some things, and showed me some things, that really hurt. Not only hurt, but really made me feel like the proverbial dog turd, most likely on the bottom of his shoe.
Ok, so it's really our first ... problem, so to speak. I"ve talked to him in the past about things, with good results. He says he wants the communication lines open. I just couldn't do it with this one. I was trying so hard to be a big girl, to remain seperate and maintain my own sense of self, and good self esteem, to not feel threatened, etc. MY opinion is he just kept upping the ante, until I could either explode with negative destructive words that would have, could have forced his hand... or IMPLODE into tears, and swallowing everything. I chose the later. First time in my whole M.F. life.
What do I do? Do you think Time will make it all mello? Should I give up, and realize that I'm just a rotten submissive, unable to bend my will over backwards selflessly for his comfort? What a horrible coincidence, that I quit drinking today... hmm, NOT implying a problem there, except that the booze is making it harder to stick to my workout regime. sigh. I am babbling. Please somebody snap me out of this! PMs or public here, it doesn't matter. WHY doesn't this all come with an instruction booklet??? (this is where Cutie interjects with the "When someone you love is submissive" book, or whatever it was...)
some nights, I just dont' know what I'd do w/out ya'll. guess I'll go back to my corner now.

 

[CutieMouse]

Eeehhhh...

First things first- sort out the emotional reality from the reality reality.

No clue what was said, but it sounds like it was one of those charming discussions that wandered down the path of personal stuff. Wheeee!

Were the things he said manipulative bullshit, or was it an honest assessment? That requires doing some pretty annoying self-assessment to determine, BTW. (I *hate* self assessment...) In hindsight, 9 out of 10 times I am told painfully brutal things, it's a honest assessment thing, that was difficult to hear, but it made me a better person.

It's perfectly understandable to react emotionally under pressure; assessing the conversation when things have cooled off, and opening a new dialogue about it might help. I rarely suggest stuffing everything under the rug (lumpy rugs ruin the decor ). Relationships are relationships. REgardless of the power issues involved.

There are people in my Life who occasionally push buttons. It used to devistate me, until I got to know them well enough to catagorize what was my shit/our shit/their shit. If I'm feeling my buttons pushed, and I recognize it as my shit, I deal with it best I can. If I feel my buttons pushed and recognize it as an "our shit" issue, I try to deal with it with that person. If I feel my buttons pushed and recognize it as a "their shit" issue, I refuse to get caught up in the emotion of it all. I remain sympathetic, I remain empathetic, I attempt to offer consolation or assistance, but I won't take on their shit just to help them feel better. Do I always manage to follow my own advice? Hardly. Do I try? Constantly. Do I care if it gets me kicked out of the kinkiest of kinky people club? Nope.

 

[wenchhh]

Cutie, you rock. Thanks so much. Your take home message, sort thru the shit. LOL.
no, it wasn't that he was criticizing........ ya know, never mind. He wouldn't want me to air all of that here, and it's not important in the grander scheme of things. Know I apprciate your input.

Hugs!

 

[intothewoods]

Just be wary of emotional manipulation. Er, unless you like that sort of thing.

 

[ecstaticsub]

WHat do i do in situations like that? I usually get all emotional, blow things out of proportion, IM with a friend of mine trying to sort through it and start thinking it is the end to the relationship.

What should I do and after two years I am finally getting it? Wait. Just sit back, keep my mouth shut and wait. I have found that many times he was hard on me because of things going on in his own private life that is none of my business. I have to remind myself that Dominants are humans too. They can have bad days or just plain off days. I have found if i just wait and bring up the issue later (in a respectful way of course) then we both find it is easily dealt with.

Big hugs for you !

 

[Evil_Geoff]

And sometimes we deliberately push. And Push. And PUSH. AND PUSH SOME MORE DAMMIT!

The object being to break through the willfulness, the selfishness, the pride, or some other barrier we see as being an obstacle to your further growth. I know I sometimes assign tasks to janey that are just, barely, outside her abilities. To see how long she will, in her pride, try to accomplish it alone before asking for help. Pride is a terrible thing at times, causing failures when the simplest thing to do would be to say, "Please sir, would you mind helping me?"

I don't know what he said, don't know why he said what he said. But he may very well have done it deliberately, calculatingly, with a purpose.

Or he could just have been being an ass. *shrugs* You'll have to talk it over with him to find out.

Good Luck!

 

[wenchhh]

Ecstaticsub, if YOu had written the original post, your post here would have been my reply. almost exactly, word for word. Why is it I can give others great advice, but often dig my own self right into the proverbial hole?
Dominants are humans too. I'll have to make that my mantra, after all, mine is a deity, in my eyes. Well, he used to be.


Geoff, you sound JUST like him. Thanks for reminding me that this is how he thinks. (grin)

Thanks folks, for the opinions. Things look a little better now that it's morning. Yeah, really they do. Off to work, everyone have a great weekend!

WHat do i do in situations like that? I usually get all emotional, blow things out of proportion, IM with a friend of mine trying to sort through it and start thinking it is the end to the relationship.

What should I do and after two years I am finally getting it? Wait. Just sit back, keep my mouth shut and wait. I have found that many times he was hard on me because of things going on in his own private life that is none of my business. I have to remind myself that Dominants are humans too. They can have bad days or just plain off days. I have found if i just wait and bring up the issue later (in a respectful way of course) then we both find it is easily dealt with.

Big hugs for you !

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ecstaticsub, if YOu had written the original post, your post here would have been my reply. almost exactly, word for word. Why is it I can give others great advice, but often dig my own self right into the proverbial hole?
Dominants are humans too. I'll have to make that my mantra, after all, mine is a deity, in my eyes. Well, he used to be.

This is good timing. Very late last night during a conversation with my Dom I had done something that disappointed him. It was sort of a minor thing ( at least in my eyes) and I had asked him before hand that if I did this thing if he would be disappointed and he said no. Then I do it and he is! I was sitting on the phone very quietly crying out of frustration and I got so upset with myself because deep down I knew I shouldn't have done it. Despite his words I know him well enough to know better.

Something I have learned when comparing my D/s relationship to my vanilla marriage is I get very overly emotional in my D/s relationship. I think it might be because in my marriage I would just argue back and get out my anger or frustation immediately. In my D/s relationship I am learning self control and that I have to keep focused and not let my emotions control my actions.

 

[AndrewKay]

hello

Hello Wenchh. I'm curious, how did you become a sub? What was your relation to this man prior to you being a sub, or were you sub from the first you met him? Also what was the dynamics of you becoming a sub? Did it happen explicitly? Implicitly? Gradually? Suddenly?

Also I'm not sure people can respond to that last one given the vaguity. Some people in D/s relationships WANT to be treated like turd. I knew a extreme male sub who liked to be treated like an object (furniture, toilet, slave, undesired thing that takes up space, etc.) Outside of debating whether this is good or not; he had consensual relations where he was hurt in certain ways and I'm sure a part of him truely was hurt where as another part of him truely liked things this way. He was a masochist.

Thus the need for open communication.

There is going to be a whole range of so-called Dom's. Responsible ones, ones that are loving but where they play asshole for his needs or for your needs, and ones that really just want to use and abuse. There may be some deeper reason like Evil said, but how are you going to know if unless you talk to him?

A large part of being a sub for many is trusting in the Dom. Giving a free rein, and talking every difficult situation out as adults seems like a huge step towards vanilla marriage to me (lol). It seems this Dom gave you a free rein and has allowed you to swing from ecstatic exhilaration to disappointment within a very short period of time. Anyhow, communication can't hurt. And inside you may question a certain action. But maybe it would help you to understand yourself in terms of what you want and don't want on a superficial level (how you act, how you behave), and in terms of what you want subconsciously or on a deeper level. I mean some subs from what I understand don't want to be spanked and have a outwards goal to not want to be spanked, but another hidden side of them creates a want or need within them to be spanked. Some people will flat out feel nothing but anger and offence if they were spanked, and some people will flat out openly enjoy and beg to be spanked. I don't think anyone can be more clear than you what your outward desires are, and what your inner-most or subconscious desires are.

Think about this: Being called a little horny slut, etc. may for some be an intolerable insult even in the bedroom. For others it may embarrass and hurt the ego, but it may provide a deep-down pleasure. Even in vanilla relationships, many women like a little raunchiness in the bedroom. But imagine if in this same vanilla relationship, the topic went to, "Honey you're fat." This would probably produce only real intolerable hurt. But this is simply in the context of vanilla. For other people the definition between desired hurt/embarrassment, and real hurt lies somewhere else. You may find subs that like the hurtful attention of being commanded to lose X pounds by X date, because they may say it is him being considerate by being brutally honest. Put it this way: Some things are going to hurt your ego which may also give you pleasure; some things are going to hurt you/your ego which you won't tolerate; some things lie in a grey area, and you may come to find pleasure from conforming to this new situation. Who really knows but you?

 

[FurryFury]

No one can tell you how you are supposed to feel. If they do they are an asshat in my book.

You are a human being and as a human being you will have feelings. Some of them will not be feelings you like or are happy about but that doesn't make them less legitimate.

If your Dom is worth a damn, he will be happy with you communicate with him about this. That's just my opinion.

*HUG*

Fury

 

[LunarKitten]

It's pretty normal. You will find your equilibrium soon but in the meantime you want to try/do EVERYTHINGALLATONCEOMGIT'SGREATWHICHWAYDOIGOWHICHWAYDOIGO?

Just don't do what I did when I was new. Sitting in on conversations about different types of play got me really excited. And when one Domme was talking about a toy one of her subs had recently bought her, I asked her what it felt like. So she asked if I wanted to try it.

NEVER, EVER, EVER do this....cause cattleprods hurt like HELL!!!!!

 

[kajira311]

yes, it's wonderful/awful/allupanddown

Wenchh, I like your av, is that Leroy Neiman? And skittles', yummm. Gorgeous blue rope and ivory girl.

I say this in all kindness and having been there ... isn't it awfully draining to be so emotionally involved with a man other than your husband? I mean, here's this guy you live with and sleep beside, and yet there's this other man who occupies most of your waking and sleeping thoughts unless a crisis pushes him off the mental center stage.

I think you mentioned that he has other women with whom I'm assuming he is at various stages of involvement, and my guess, and forgive me if I'm wrong, is that he saw you so in thrall and said some things to take the wind out of your sails. Maybe deliberately. Maybe he wanted you to be less excited. Maybe he thought if you stayed excited you'd end up getting hurt.

I have a friend at work (fun to have someone at work who knows!) who is also submissive, and is married to a man who doesn't feel up to the dominant mindset. She doesn't want to fuck up her marriage but she gets the occasional email from this guy who used to top her (I know him too, what can I say, this is a small town BDSM wise) and while she can't figure out how to meet up with him without rocking her marital boat she still wishes she could. She's gotten enough distance from the friend that it doesn't cause her torment when he contacts her and she can't go, and I know that's not where you are and now I'm not a hundred percent sure why I brought this up. Perimenopausal brain fuzzies, that's my story and I'm stickin to it. You just remind me of her. You're both smart and strong and sensitive and submissive.

I appreciate you telling us what's happening and hope you'll keep us tuned to further events.

 

[wenchhh]

Thank you Kajira, for your reply. Especially for the compliments at the end. It's nice to be appreciated! No, it wasn't a teaching lesson that caused him to do what he did, unless it was to teach me my place. It didn't feel like that at the time. Sigh. It's over with for now, (the issue, not the relationship) and tho feelings are still raw, I'm ready to take (another) one for the team.

hugs again for the compliments

 

[OneLustyWench]

And sometimes we deliberately push. And Push. And PUSH. AND PUSH SOME MORE DAMMIT!

I don't know what he said, don't know why he said what he said. But he may very well have done it deliberately, calculatingly, with a purpose.

Or he could just have been being an ass. *shrugs* You'll have to talk it over with him to find out.

Good Luck!

So how do you sort out the asses for the purposeful? For those of us just beginning to explore, it is very hard to sort and find the "good" ones. It's not like you can just dial a dom/domme and always get a good one!

I'm a very impatient person. I know I'd like to do a lot but have, with the words of caution from Litsters, to take my time. I know one guy would flog my ass into hamburger now but have found myself doing more research and self introspection to draw my lines mentally (Maybe, Probably and Absolutely Not) but as I keep looking at more, see those lines blurring even without a Dom/Domme pushing me. Realistically, it's finding the person with enough references and exprience for me to trust that's holding me back.

 

[Netzach]

So how do you sort out the asses for the purposeful? For those of us just beginning to explore, it is very hard to sort and find the "good" ones. It's not like you can just dial a dom/domme and always get a good one!

I'm a very impatient person. I know I'd like to do a lot but have, with the words of caution from Litsters, to take my time. I know one guy would flog my ass into hamburger now but have found myself doing more research and self introspection to draw my lines mentally (Maybe, Probably and Absolutely Not) but as I keep looking at more, see those lines blurring even without a Dom/Domme pushing me. Realistically, it's finding the person with enough references and exprience for me to trust that's holding me back.

References and experience still doesn't mean they're not an ass.

Just sayin'.

Use your own assessments, the same ones you were if you were thinking "should I date this person?" "Should I hire this person" "Do I even like this person?"

 

[OneLustyWench]

References and experience still doesn't mean they're not an ass.

Just sayin'.

Use your own assessments, the same ones you were if you were thinking "should I date this person?" "Should I hire this person" "Do I even like this person?"

So the one person who would love to push my pain boundaries that I don't know is just talking big or an ass, I should assume is an ass? I find giving trust is hard and finding a Dom/Domme who I feel I could give all to is frustratingly hard.

Thanks for your comments.

 

[OneLustyWench]

PS: Thank you so much for the posting on sub frenzies, while I had subscribed to the newsletter for newbies, didn't realize how much more was available at the site.

 

[wenchhh]

If I'm feeling my buttons pushed, and I recognize it as my shit, I deal with it best I can. If I feel my buttons pushed and recognize it as an "our shit" issue, I try to deal with it with that person. If I feel my buttons pushed and recognize it as a "their shit" issue, I refuse to get caught up in the emotion of it all. I remain sympathetic, I remain empathetic, I attempt to offer consolation or assistance, but I won't take on their shit just to help them feel better.

Cutie, this is really good advice. See PM I'm sending you.....

 

[Netzach]

So the one person who would love to push my pain boundaries that I don't know is just talking big or an ass, I should assume is an ass? I find giving trust is hard and finding a Dom/Domme who I feel I could give all to is frustratingly hard.

Thanks for your comments.

Whatever you normally assume, and whatever your read on the person is, I'd go with that. I would not abandon my base level nature about myself in the interest of getting action (I say this having done the opposite!)
My normal MO is picky, discriminating, not especially trusting, sometimes too fast to judge. In the excitement of entering the scene, making all these new friends who wanted to scene with me, the peer pressure to try things, etc. I developed new and far less careful standards. Nothing horrible happened, but I found that it took a lot of energy to cut unproductive drama and entanglements.

I'm also not a sub. New to scene exhileration is just that.

 

[SparkleFish]

Sub frenzy, so that's what it's called, eh? I've experienced it, but never knew it had a name. My boyfriend and I started messing around in the area of BDSM a year ago, and I remember after a particularly good beating, I was smiling for days!

 

[wenchhh]

Hi gang... Just feeling a little down tonite and thought I'd come to a place with peers to try to sort it all out, or to atleast be with like minded, who might understand. This isn't sub drop, this is withdrawals. Haven't seen my Sir in almost 2 monthes, and looks like it's gonna be a long while yet, if ever. Some things came up... and I just .. hafta be on a back burner right now. Things are getting busy with a new business venture, so I'm not sitting here twiddling my thumbs and hanging on his every word, Thank God. Yes, the Lord works in mysterious ways, or whatever that saying is. It's very early in our relationship... we're good together.. but this just seems like a lot of trials for something that should still be in the honeymoon period. I'm flirting around a little bit with others, (he knows this) but of course .. they're not him, so it doesn't go far. I guess I didn't need any advice, just needed to vent. Thanks for the venue to do just that. Hugs!

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hi gang... Just feeling a little down tonite and thought I'd come to a place with peers to try to sort it all out, or to atleast be with like minded, who might understand. This isn't sub drop, this is withdrawals. Haven't seen my Sir in almost 2 monthes, and looks like it's gonna be a long while yet, if ever. Some things came up... and I just .. hafta be on a back burner right now. Things are getting busy with a new business venture, so I'm not sitting here twiddling my thumbs and hanging on his every word, Thank God. Yes, the Lord works in mysterious ways, or whatever that saying is. It's very early in our relationship... we're good together.. but this just seems like a lot of trials for something that should still be in the honeymoon period. I'm flirting around a little bit with others, (he knows this) but of course .. they're not him, so it doesn't go far. I guess I didn't need any advice, just needed to vent. Thanks for the venue to do just that. Hugs!

<<Hugs back to you>> Long distance can be difficult. I don't see my Dom anywhere near often enough.

Wish you the best

 

[Hummingbyrd]

I see him online and my body tingles. Trying to keep cool and not hound him with IMs, emails, phone calls. Am I succeeding? Rarely. He says he doesn't mind, and expects it from me. The fact is, *I* mind. I'm a 40 yr old woman for Christ's sake! I'm constantly thinking of ways to make him happy. Replaying things he's said, things we've done, thinks I want to try... in my head. h

I had to smile -- I'm like the above over a guy I merely am considering for my first Dom...hmmm....I want I want I want...