An Interesting Exercise

[wildsweetone]

My post was the birthday cake challenge. Obviously it didn't quite come off!

IT WORKED!!! I humbly apologise Sub Joe, I was off in cloud cuckoo land there, please forgive me.

You know, the way you've written it has me sitting there at the table watching Nat's delight. And knowing that there's 'even better to come'... well, heck I can taste the cake myself

Singularity: I have to agree with you, the original version seems to read more smoothly. But yes, it's sure worth the exercise. I'm glad you had a go.

Just-Legal: Yes! you've got it too, well done. I like the 'twenty little lights', a different way of saying candles and yet still easily visualised.

 

[wildsweetone]

my attempt...

A waitress brought the round delight to the table. A single candle burned bright against the darkness of the room, its flame reflected in the mirror shiny chocolate icing.

"Who's celebration is it tonight?" she asked.

"Hers!" Accusatory fingers punched the air in my direction. She walked around the table placing the rich dessert in front of me.

The candle flickered. Expectant faces lined the table. Taking a deep breath, I blew the flame out. They sung the traditional verse as I closed my eyes and wished. I sliced the sweet scented dessert, handing a hefty chunk out to my friend and family.

The sponge almost dissolved in my mouth, its decorative icing melted then trickled down my throat. My tastebuds drooled in readiness for the next morsel and I licked chocolate from my lips with the tip of my tongue.

I concentrated solely on cleaning every crumb from my plate, neither watching nor listening to others as they ate and chatted happily.

Looking up I spied a drop of chocolate sliding from the corner of his mouth. I leaned forward mindless of others and licked it from his face. Turning, he caught my face in his hands and kissed me deeply.

"Happy 40th, darling," he smiled.

 

[wildsweetone]

Bantu

The Bantu is more intended for use by poets, but I thought it was well worth mentioning here so we can play around with metaphors.

http://www.recreate.com/Pages/articles/sbender.shtml
from Sheila Bender
Bantu: At the heart of a poet's ability to evoke engagement with experience is the use of metaphor to make images come alive. With metaphor, the poet compares one thing to something else that is very different. The juxtaposition makes the writer re-experience the original image more fully. In Africa, the people of the Bantu tribe developed an oral tradition in which they did this. They created two line poems in the rhythm of their work. The first line was an image spoken by one person and the second line an "answering" or corresponding image spoken by a second person. As reported in a book entitled TECHNICIANS OF THE SACRED, one person could say, "The voice of an angry man" and a second person answer, "The sound of an elephant's tusk cracking."

Here are some two-line Bantu created in classes I have taught:

The straps of my Birkenstock sandals
Two highway overpasses

Me in the bathtub full of water
The seed inside an avocado

Smell of fresh baked bread
Clothes just out of the dryer

Wind through the grass
My husband rustles the Sunday Times

Cornflakes in my bowl
Little dolphins swimming


You get the idea. Create a first line with images from what is around you: A space between two parked cars, the blinds on the living room window, rose bushes along the fence, boys playing soccer, cars stuck in traffic, the sound of a trumpet, etc. Then go back and find second lines that seem to evoke a fresh experience of the first line image through juxtaposition. For instance:

The space between two parked cars
The space between my two front teeth

The blinds on the living room window
Jail clothes in so many cartoons

The sound of trumpet
Seals during feeding times at the zoo


Now it's your turn. You can make up the opening lines in the morning and challenge yourself to filling in the second lines at odd moments during the day. You can have a friend make up first lines for you and you for them and then show each other the finished two line Bantus you come up with. You can post first lines on the refrigerator or a bulletin board and let the others at home or at work fill in second lines. Whatever way you do this, it is an exercise in metaphor making and it keeps the creative mind supple.

Sounds like fun?