And when it is over.....

[psiberzerker]

When it is all over...

"Wave a white flag,
put away the pistol.
Too many people just can't get pissed,
And if there's nothing I can do to make amends, baby
Hope you don't murder me."

-Elvis Costello

 

[Goddess Helena]

Re: Wondering

Some time has passed on this thread. Nearly a month now. i hope those that were ending one path and beginning another are doing well.

What i was wondering is how do you break a connection that is so deeply ingrained? Where do you start when all you want is to keep that connection going because ... well frankly, that connection is the one thing that makes sense when all else doesn't? i am still struggling with that.

My former boy and I are still dealing with the breaking of our bond. Knowing that he still longs to serve Me is not helping Me to deal with what has happened. Yet neither of U/us want to end O/our friendship. I try to be proud of him and his new happiness without dwelling on what could have been.

I am still strugging as well. I took a break from lit and only returned because a friend has joined. I'm not sure how much I'll be here or what I will end up doing. I still need time to figure out what I am going to do with myself and what I want.


Helena

 

[Goddess Helena]

<snip> Desperation never finds the right partner.

That is painfully true.


Helena

 

[Goddess Helena]

Re: Tenacity

<snip>As my German grandmother says "It's a good life, if you don't weaken." <snip>

I love that, Lark Sparrow. Thank you for sharing it.

Most fitting for a this Domme.


Helena

 

[Solitude]

Re: Re: Wondering

My former boy and I are still dealing with the breaking of our bond. Knowing that he still longs to serve Me is not helping Me to deal with what has happened. Yet neither of U/us want to end O/our friendship. I try to be proud of him and his new happiness without dwelling on what could have been.

I am still strugging as well. I took a break from lit and only returned because a friend has joined. I'm not sure how much I'll be here or what I will end up doing. I still need time to figure out what I am going to do with myself and what I want.


Helena

Sounds painfully familiar Helena, and from where I sit the only thing that works is time, and even time doesn't always work so well. Personally I wouldn't give up on the friendship bit, as difficult as it can be at times. Can't really seem to come up with a good argument for that tonight, but I stand by it nonetheless... maybe I'll be able to explain it better tomorrow, or the next day, or the next...

 

[Goddess Helena]

Thank you, Solitude, and welcome to posting.

I'm not giving up on the friendship. W/we are too close and have shared too much for either of U/us to just walk away. Only time will tell what will happen.


Helena

 

[Ebonyfire]

Clean breaks

I am a member of the clean break club. I find that continuing a relationship past it's course just delays the inevitable, and keeps me rooted in the past, when I would prefer to look to the future.

That is my way, YMMV.

 

[Netzach]

I'm still friends with my vanilla, monogamous ex, we see each other every few weeks or so. Ending that relationship is one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and he was good enough to have been the one to make the break. I think it's just critical to spend time with people other than your mutual friends, to try and drop out of the other person's orbit for a while and really be your own person. Then hanging out will become more tolerable. I have no problem being friends with exes who want to do so, it's actually more comforting to me, because the things I loved about these people are so much more than sex or romance. All my good relationships started as friendships and were based on friendship, more than any other factor. My one shitty abortive what-was-I-thinking relationship was that because I was rushed along in it.

 

[Solitude]

A slight derivation

This may be a bit off of the topic in this thread, but this discussion is what made me think of it so I figured I'd just post it here and see what people thought.

One problem I have in ending a D/s relationsip in particular is this: when I take someone as mine I tend to incorporate that person very deeply into myself. Now this is all good and really quite wonderful, and frankly none of this would be worth it to me if it were any other way. I'd even go as far as to say I leallow the person to become as much a part of me as my left foot or right arm. The problem that arises however is that it makes it very difficult when the relationship ends. As I'm sure anyone who has lost a limb or a sense would tell you, eventually you adjust and learn to function just as well as you ever have, but it can certainly be a long and painful period of adjustment, and no matter what you do you'll never get your arm or leg or sight or whatever it is you lost back.

In any case, not that I've rambled on and on, what does everyone else think? Does all of this sound totally ludicrous, or do other people feel the same way? I personally think this is a problem which is unique to a D/s relationship because of the depth of feeling and "ownership" involved, but then maybe it's just me.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Clean breaks

I am a member of the clean break club.

I'm with her.


Eeek, did I really say that?

 

[FungiUg]

Re: A slight derivation

... when I take someone as mine I tend to incorporate that person very deeply into myself. ...

In any case, not that I've rambled on and on, what does everyone else think? Does all of this sound totally ludicrous, or do other people feel the same way? I personally think this is a problem which is unique to a D/s relationship because of the depth of feeling and "ownership" involved, but then maybe it's just me.

I don't think this is limited to D/s, although perhaps D/s relationships can become more intense more quickly. I know I went through this with my "vanilla" (I hate that label!) marriage breakup.

So no, I don't think it's unique to D/s, but perhaps more common? D/s relationships seem to encourage intensity and depth of connectivity, so that may be why it's more common.

Statistically, homosexual relationships can be the most "interconnected", with some rather scary statistics concerning murders/suicides after relationship breakups. So again, I don't think this feeling is limited to D/s relationships.

 

[psiberzerker]

I subscribe to the "Silly putty" theory of breakups, courtesy of Alison Bechdel (Pronounced Bectal, according to her) of "Dykes to Watch out for" fame. In a scrotum, it states that breakups are like silly putty. The slower you go, the longer it drags out. Yank it hard enough, and you get a clean break. Comming from a card carrying homosexual, I'll take her word for it.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: A slight derivation

This may be a bit off of the topic in this thread, but this discussion is what made me think of it so I figured I'd just post it here and see what people thought.

One problem I have in ending a D/s relationsip in particular is this: when I take someone as mine I tend to incorporate that person very deeply into myself. Now this is all good and really quite wonderful, and frankly none of this would be worth it to me if it were any other way. I'd even go as far as to say I leallow the person to become as much a part of me as my left foot or right arm. The problem that arises however is that it makes it very difficult when the relationship ends. As I'm sure anyone who has lost a limb or a sense would tell you, eventually you adjust and learn to function just as well as you ever have, but it can certainly be a long and painful period of adjustment, and no matter what you do you'll never get your arm or leg or sight or whatever it is you lost back.

In any case, not that I've rambled on and on, what does everyone else think? Does all of this sound totally ludicrous, or do other people feel the same way? I personally think this is a problem which is unique to a D/s relationship because of the depth of feeling and "ownership" involved, but then maybe it's just me.

No, it isn't just you.

 

[Richard49]

Re: A slight derivation

This may be a bit off of the topic in this thread, but this discussion is what made me think of it so I figured I'd just post it here and see what people thought.

One problem I have in ending a D/s relationsip in particular is this: when I take someone as mine I tend to incorporate that person very deeply into myself. Now this is all good and really quite wonderful, and frankly none of this would be worth it to me if it were any other way. I'd even go as far as to say I leallow the person to become as much a part of me as my left foot or right arm. The problem that arises however is that it makes it very difficult when the relationship ends. As I'm sure anyone who has lost a limb or a sense would tell you, eventually you adjust and learn to function just as well as you ever have, but it can certainly be a long and painful period of adjustment, and no matter what you do you'll never get your arm or leg or sight or whatever it is you lost back.

In any case, not that I've rambled on and on, what does everyone else think? Does all of this sound totally ludicrous, or do other people feel the same way? I personally think this is a problem which is unique to a D/s relationship because of the depth of feeling and "ownership" involved, but then maybe it's just me.

Christ I thought I was the only one that felt this way

Thank you thank you thank you

 

[bunny517]

Re: Update

I started this thread nearly a year ago and the break up occurred in January of last year. I did wait a couple of months to post, during which time I completely backed out of the BDSM scene.

IN that year, his new sub and I have become the best of friends. I cannot imagine ever being this close to a woman. She knows me better than anyone.

He has released her and is seeking a new sub. She has found a Master, in fact, she has found the One.

He and I stopped talking in March of last year. There is no ill will or malice, but without the D.s component, we had very little interest in one another.

He was never what he presented himself to be. I believe that my time with him was the result of my eagerness to submit and my romanticized idea of submission versus wanting to spend time with him, the man, the individual.

I have learned I cannot remain friends with a Dom after having been intimate with them. There would always be that piece of me that has submitted to him that interferes with a more casual relationship. Perhaps, my future will prove me wrong, but hopefully I need never find out.

Anytime a relationship reaches an end, it is difficult. Each person that I have cared for and lost leaves a small hole in my life, in my psyche. Given the chance to fill that hole with friendship, I would if I could.

Many hugs to you, Goddess Helena and to you, as well, BP.

I wish you both the best.

Yes Miss, I agree breaking up is hard to do.But we all have to learn from our losses weather they are by choice or not. A year ago I walked away from a 28 year marriage.It was for the most part vanilla and i knew in my heart and sole that I needed so much more in my life.I was not going to get it there. I new it was time to move on to new and different things in life.I have done just that.I found BDSM world and new right away that is what was missing from my life.I have played and learned very well in this past year.I look forward to continue my learing though my submision.I have also tryed my hand at being the Domme as much as I enjoyed seeing my girl learning she has found another Master that I only wish the best for both of them.Yes I got hurt but I also learned much from our time together and will always cherrish what we had.She is a very special sub.I want her to be happy.As for me I feel the next few months will be full of learning from 2 very, very Important people to me..

 

[bunny517]

Re: Update

I started this thread nearly a year ago and the break up occurred in January of last year. I did wait a couple of months to post, during which time I completely backed out of the BDSM scene.

IN that year, his new sub and I have become the best of friends. I cannot imagine ever being this close to a woman. She knows me better than anyone.

He has released her and is seeking a new sub. She has found a Master, in fact, she has found the One.

He and I stopped talking in March of last year. There is no ill will or malice, but without the D.s component, we had very little interest in one another.

He was never what he presented himself to be. I believe that my time with him was the result of my eagerness to submit and my romanticized idea of submission versus wanting to spend time with him, the man, the individual.

I have learned I cannot remain friends with a Dom after having been intimate with them. There would always be that piece of me that has submitted to him that interferes with a more casual relationship. Perhaps, my future will prove me wrong, but hopefully I need never find out.

Anytime a relationship reaches an end, it is difficult. Each person that I have cared for and lost leaves a small hole in my life, in my psyche. Given the chance to fill that hole with friendship, I would if I could.

Many hugs to you, Goddess Helena and to you, as well, BP.

I wish you both the best.

Yes Miss, I agree breaking up is hard to do.But we all have to learn from our losses weather they are by choice or not. A year ago I walked away from a 28 year marriage.It was for the most part vanilla and i knew in my heart and sole that I needed so much more in my life.I was not going to get it there. I new it was time to move on to new and different things in life.I have done just that.I found BDSM world and new right away that is what was missing from my life.I have played and learned very well in this past year.I look forward to continue my learing though my submision.I have also tryed my hand at being the Domme as much as I enjoyed seeing my girl learning she has found another Master that I only wish the best for both of them.Yes I got hurt but I also learned much from our time together and will always cherrish what we had.She is a very special sub.I want her to be happy.As for me I feel the next few months will be full of learning from 2 very, very Important people to me..