Another Attempt at Abuse

[SimonBrooke]

I think there's a much blurrier line between consent and non-consent than most of us want to admit. In these types of relationships, it's rarely ever cut-and-dried.

Oh, don't I know it... Yes. all the delicious, morally troubling grey areas. I'll start another thread about them.

the best sex i have had has left me in a state of bruising and pain for quite some time following the act itself. it actually scared my s/o, and he will no longer go there anymore.

The good news: I have been that young man who was freaked out by the hurt he had caused, and didn't want to do it again. I have learned and changed, and now I actively seek partners who will willingly go there with me.

The bad news: it's taken me three changes of partner to get there.

Your s/o may be able to change, to learn that it is OK for you. Make sure he knows how good those memories are for you, and reward him all you can any time he takes you back to near that place.

 

[Adakgirl]

The continuing crime and problem of the physical beating of a wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, or children.

Domestic violence can have so many more emotionally and physically damaging aspects to it...as well as life threatening aspects ...than just this simple description states. Beating may be just a small part of it. Abusers might use cigarettes to burn holes in the victims skin, they might hold hands and arms over a lit stove burner. They might make them drink cleaning fluids. Eat spoiled food.
They might completely isolate them from the outside world, remove the telephone, padlock the victims in the house when the abuser goes to work. They might lock them in room for days without food or water, lock them in a room for years even, with no clothing or even a toilet. I could go on and on listing the cruelties. Just continued beating doesn't even scratch the surface of what domestic violence can involve. Including murder.

Victims of verbal abuse are often told they are to blame for the abuser's behavior and reluctant to take action to end the abuse.

Same with the victims of physical domestic violence. They are brainwashed and conditioned to believe that they are worthless and no-one would ever want them. Eventually they think they really do deserve to be treated like this and it's for their own good, that the victim called the violence upon themselves. If you weren't the kind of person you are then i wouldn't be forced to treat you like this. Your fault .
They are threatened with the murder of their loved ones if they try to leave. They are stripped of all resources, they have no way to get out even if they wanted to.

So you see YC, we are talking about two completely different personalities and ways of thinking and doing things here. Yes, PLY's do screw up but i believe most have the capacity to have empathy towards other people and can feel concern. You want your woman to stay alive, you care if she dies, all legalities aside. You care if she lives, you give a shit. Abusers do not, in fact they will go out of their way to make sure they do die.

 

[bruisedangel]

[/i]
With the BDSM, it is both consensual and done to "hurt"--cause some temporary pain. Abuse is not consensual and is done to harm someone, sometimes permanently .

The difference between abuse and BDSM isn't necessarily about the "hurts" that are caused. It comes down to a violation of trust. The line crosses from play to abuse when a trust becomes shattered. There's a trust that the PYL will not do anything to cause "harm" to the pyl, whatever that harm may be identified as. For example, I trust my "abuser" to do to me only what he knows I can take, even if I don't know I can take it. I trust that he knows which games I need to play on any given day. I trust that he's going to know where the line is, and not overstep in a way that leaves me in a detrimental state. If he were to overstep, it would degrade the trust into abuse. I've been left in a state of whatever I consider harm, regardless as to if it's physical, mental or emotional.

There's a flip side to that coin, however. My "abuser" in turn trusts that I'm completely open and honest with him, so that he can implicitly know my limits. He trusts that I'll allow him to know when he's stepping too close to the edge, so that he doesn't cross it. He trusts that I'll let him know which days he can push me hard, and which days the lightest touch is too much.

Furthermore, he also trusts that I'll let him know when he's gone from "abuser" to abuser.

I'm not saying that anyone wants to be abusive, although there certainly are people in the world who do. I just think that the only difference between something consensual and something abusive is the violation to an implicit and complete trust between the two parties.

 

[neci]

The good news: I have been that young man who was freaked out by the hurt he had caused, and didn't want to do it again. I have learned and changed, and now I actively seek partners who will willingly go there with me.

The bad news: it's taken me three changes of partner to get there.

Your s/o may be able to change, to learn that it is OK for you. Make sure he knows how good those memories are for you, and reward him all you can any time he takes you back to near that place.

the way i have to look at it is he has his own limits and comfort zones. some couples use safe words if it gets to be too much for the receiving end - in our case it ends up being the opposite. while it is frustrating at times, i have to remember that positive reinforcement is the key to future enforcing.
besides,
there are many paths to the top of the mountain.

 

[Netzach]

Huh, now its my turn to relate to that. Takes me all the way back to those teenage years before I every really got involved with anyone. I knew, or felt, that their was something in me, which I thought of almost as a separate entity and even named. For me it was “the beast”, I think. Back then it seemed like anyone I perceived in the lover type category posed a risk of push their way inside me an disturbing that beast. I kept myself cold cause anytime I felt something about such a person I could feel the beast reaching out for them, which I wasn’t gonna let happen. It wasn’t till I found a situation that slowly let me allow the beast more and more free rein on my own time that I saw as a part of me.

I still haven’t let it all go in a controlled fashion, so there is still that sense of unknown, but it’s no longer a separate entity for me.

Oh it's part of me, but it's definitely a part.

I don't think I'm minimizing it by assigning it a pet name. I actually went in the opposite direction, "woe is me THIS IS ME", to "this is something I do and if I don't, periodically, I go crazy."

 

[Homburg]

I think of it as "the Beast". My attitude is simple. I keep it on a long leash, and let it roam within the length of that leash. If I let it free completely, it will wreak havoc on those I hold most dear. But if I keep that leash too short, refuse to give it room to move and be, it will break free, and wreak havoc nonetheless.

Since coming to this realisation, I am much more comfortable with it, and worry less about the topic.

 

[subwannabe]

I don't think that "consent" by itself means there is no abuse. Let's say that a woman has low self esteem and feels that if she fails in some way that she deserves (consents) to be hit. Maybe she broke something or did not prepare a meal properly and her man punches her in the face and gives her a black eye. Okay, this may not really be a BDSM type relationship but it is theoritically possible that a DOM could prey on a woman with little self esteem and beat her just because she consents to it. I would call it abuse if someone takes too much advantage of a situation for their own sadistic pleasure merely by saying that the other person "consented" to it.

Maybe I am wrong but I want to believe that a sub actually does have self esteem and just desires to be treated badly and hurt. I believe many subs are actually intelligent, have that self esteem, know what they want out of life, many of whom are in full and total control of parts of their lives, and counter that by needing to be submissive in certain aspects or times in their lives.