Another take on Disappointment

[Grvdigger]

Honesty.....what a breath of fresh air. Ty Artful for sharing. I know it is not easy to see Your life thrown in front of A/all.

But I do agree with You, 100% or none. Also I think as the relationship moves on, things need to be made clear of what is to be expected. I have made it clear that at any point gem can come to Me and let Me know if something in her has changed toward Me. I will weight it and decide. Right now as many know she is tackeling quitting smoking and I have set rations for her. It is hard for Me to watch her sit there craving one, I see it gnawing at her. But I have to be strong and not give in to her request at times. Is it cruel, maybe, but I do it cause of the love.

It is a rarity that love and the Domination can go hand in hand closely, but it is possiable and I hope A/all are able to find it someday.

 

[artful]

Re: D/s as a sexual drug

That does not mean there is an absence of feeling, it just is not in the driver's seat.

Ebony

Sis,...a point well taken. The emotions should never be in the drivers seat,...whether it be love, hate, anger, sympathy etc.

 

[artful]

Siren,...

but when the Dom/Sub relationship moves into the realm of a personal relationship ............

to not compromise
to be the final word on everything
and to want it 100% on your terms........


Isnt that courting disaster and disappointment?

...thanks for the response,...I will try to answer.

Compromise is sometimes a viable option, and I do compromise, but by my own choice, not because it is available.

In a D/s relationship, there should be *no* confusion as to has the final say.

100% on my terms as I stated earlier, to give her submission, freely, with her eyes wide open, understanding the committment, and trusting in my guidance.

 

[Siren]

 

[Ashyone]

I apologize for being late on the draw but I just saw and read this post today.

Originally posted by ShadowsDream:
"What I am saying is that IF you have a burning need..an overwhelming need...that cannot just be satisfied with occassional bedroom play...a need that you feel will grow and follow you all through your life...then yes I am saying beginning with the BDSM will take you further than beginning with the *love*"

Just coming from my own personal experience with my husband I can relate to what's being said by ShadowsDream. When I first met my husband I kept my submissive needs from him for the most part because I assumed he wouldn't accept it or it would freak him out. Turns out he warmed to it after a few deep discussions. But it has been difficult and I do agree with ShadowsDream (if I fully understand what is being said)...that putting love and this lifestyle together can be difficult. And it is a little difficult sometimes for him to fully step into that dominant role because 1.) we are both new to this lifestyle and 2.) he is afraid I feel he doesn't love me if he is too dominant with me. But I also don't think I could imagine stepping into this type of relationship without love. I feel I need his love to help get me through some of the rough spots or trust him to get me through a "test." But I can see how it sometimes complicates things

Sorry if that was just a bunch of rambling....just thought I might try my hand at stepping out of lurkdom a little more often

 

[artful]

Siren,...

thank you for your response.

what i was trying to convey in my question had to do when the D/S relationship crosses into the personal relationship and the same principles utlitized in the D/s can not be sustained when emotions take hold.

How do you reticfy that in order to not lose both relationships?
Because I have NEVER known a personal relationship that could survive with it being 100% for one side and not the other.

when emotions become involved, resentment can come in.

First,...I think I should point out something you may not be aware of,...I am only interested in a 24/7 TPE relationship. When I speak, it *is*,only from that perspective. Believe me,...that's as personal a relationship, as can be entered into by two people.

No relationship will last, with emotions in the drivers seat. Yes, emotions can be, and in fact, are often the cause of resentment, among other maladies that can wreck a relationship. I never said my job was easy.

I think also you may be confused as to thinking my relationship is based on 100% for *me*. That is far from the truth. It is 100% for *us*, for fulfilling the desires we each have.

Yes,...I am in control of it, but hell, I am the best one suited to control it,...I know that, and so does she. If you accept that as truth, (which you may or may not),...do you have any further questions?

 

[Siren]

 

[bored1]

Once the submissive sees that the Dominant is controlled by the *love* they see that the power they have been needing to give up remains in their hands.

Excellent point and very true

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Another take on Disappointment

Once the submissive sees that the Dominant is controlled by the *love* they see that the power they have been needing to give up remains in their hands.

Excellent point and very true

Nice to see your opinions here, bored. ~smile~

 

[bored1]

Re: Re: Re: Another take on Disappointment

Nice to see your opinions here, bored. ~smile~

I have found that there is more to life than the General Board

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Another take on Disappointment

I have found that there is more to life than the General Board

Indeed there is pal...... ~smiling big~

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: D/s as a sexual drug

My opinion is this: that if d/s and sex become entwined like some drug, it can over shadow the purpose of a D/s relationship..the power exchange.

I have been accused more than once of not having love in my d/s relationships. However, I have to say my boys did not come to me looking for love, they wanted to be dominated. I have to always remember that.

If loves diminishes the relationship by making Me as the dominant less effective, then I have to pay attention to that.

If love becomes the controlling force, and not the dominance, a sub will soon get bored and lose interest, because it was D/s and not love that brought us together.

That does not mean there is an absence of feeling, it just is not in the driver's seat.

Ebony

So well put and Eb's reply does state simply and beautifully what I *continually* convey.

In another way of expressing it simplistically...love is everywhere...BDSM is not!
*IF* the relationship begins because both were searching, needing and wanting a BDSM relationship it is very likely they have been looking unsuccessfuly for a very long time.
Maybe they have even left a 'nilla marriage to find that missing part of themselves.
Romanticizing happens every day..some that are still posting here today can look back from the first day this thread began..see where their romantic love colored their BDSM needs. Many will be able to say quite clearly that they see things a little more realistically and less emotionally now.
BDSM compatibility is a magic that makes love look pale...if Y/you really are fortunate enough to see that. When that relationship becomes the consuming passion that it can be...love can be the energy that drives it even further to the edges of all posibilities.
This statement does not negate beginning with love..it simply separates the intentions and the very real possibilities of a BDSM destruction if W/we lose site of the origins.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: D/s as a sexual drug

This statement does not negate beginning with love..it simply separates the intentions and the very real possibilities of a BDSM destruction if W/we lose site of the origins.

Exactly my thought. O/our intention is to take the magic as far as it can go. that means there are no limits save those W/we impose upon O/ourselves. But the pursuit of the concept of "love" can and does hamstring many relationships, expecially at the beginning because of the ease of using it to control.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: D/s as a sexual drug

BDSM compatibility is a magic that makes love look pale...if Y/you really are fortunate enough to see that

I do and can see it. I have seen glimpses of it with my part-time boys. It has been very powerful. I can only imagine how powerful it will be over time with proud in a 24/7 TPE context. Mere romantic love dims and pales in comparison. That is my opinion. YMMV.

Eb

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: D/s as a sexual drug

I do and can see it. I have seen glimpses of it with my part-time boys. It has been very powerful. I can only imagine how powerful it will be over time with proud in a 24/7 TPE context. Mere romantic love dims and pales in comparison. That is my opinion. YMMV.

Eb

A roller coaster ride of highs and lows where You will hear Your internal screams of Dominance as You listen to his external screams of submission.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: D/s as a sexual drug

A roller coaster ride of highs and lows where You will hear Your internal screams of Dominance as You listen to his external screams of submission.

Music to My ears!

Eb

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: D/s as a sexual drug

Music to My ears!

Eb

You and I will raise a glass together enjoying the music of this dance.
The only question remains..in which Country?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Sometimes you cannot

How do you reticfy that in order to not lose both relationships?
Because I have NEVER known a personal relationship that could survive with it being 100% for one side and not the other.

In my case, because O/our paths would have never crossed but for the D/s, the primary relationship must be D/s.

Why?

Because he has been in a vanilla marriage, he has attempted vanilla dating rituals, without finding what he seeks or the magic.

As the dominant, it is My responsibility to not to lose sight of the true purpose of O/our relationship. he will submit to My firm guidance, control, and direction in this matter.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: D/s as a sexual drug

You and I will raise a glass together enjoying the music of this dance.
The only question remains..in which Country?

W/we are visiting Sweden. he already knows that.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: D/s as a sexual drug

W/we are visiting Sweden. he already knows that.

Yahooooo.com

I will be organizing the big event when I return from Canada.

 

[A Desert Rose]

"In my opinion, d/s needs no scene. It is not physical, it is mental and emotional. Physical expression is about b/d and s/m, not d/s"

Perhaps it is unnecessary, but I wanted to add that d/s can certainly be a part of s/m and b/d play.

However, as it pertains to a lifestyle (a way of living day to day) d/s can stand alone, while the other two can not, unless one defines her/his lifestyle only (or primarily) by her/his sexual needs (in which case, this is moot).

D/s needs neither b/d nor s/m for expression.

*I am not suggesting that either is, in any way, better than the other, just that they are different.

I agree with this statement. I think D/s is an inherent personality trait to people. I think those traits are stronger in some than in others.

I think some people are more dominate, and in turn more submissive, at certain times and under certain circumstances. In my job, I have to show more dominate traits, assertiveness for example. As a mom, I have to be more assertive.

But in my personal life I seek out Dominate men. I crave the opportunity to relinquish control to another and doing so sexually fills that need for me.

 

[bored1]

In all relationships there is a dominant and a submissive, the only thing that varys is the level of control.

 

[maddi]

You are right, in all relationships people are sorted and stacked. I am usually dominate in many social, personal and professional situations, which is why I enjoy submission at home.

In another thread I explained my craving for for my master/husband to dominate more. What I don't understand is why he (or other dominates ??) can't see that to really show love for a submissive is to dominate them.

I am not trying to say we can't have other forms of affection but... as a sub I feel a great need that only he as my master can fufill and that is his primary role - just as mine should be to serve. My favorite time is after a scene or just anytime that I have really pleased him to be able to cuddle and hold each other - That to me is love and fufillment.

Am I totally off base?

Madi

 

[Ebonyfire]

What I don't understand is why he (or other dominates ??) can't see that to really show love for a submissive is to dominate them.

This is a common occurrence for couples who start out together as conventional (read vanilla), and gravitate to D/s.

That is not bad, btw, cause many of these relationships succeed more than other partnerships if the partners are equally committed to the D/s.

Have you both sat down and completed a checklist (separately) detailing the types of activities and the intensity with which they interest you? You can them compare notes later, and discuss how you either agree and/or differ about the range and intensity of activities. It is a could way to communicate to him your specific interests without seeming to Top from the bottom. Also, he will see that you are not the hot house flower he may have thought.

You will have a basis for discussio, and through that he may use for and more D/s play without thinking he may be injuring you.


Ebony

 

[bored1]

You are right, in all relationships people are sorted and stacked. I am usually dominate in many social, personal and professional situations, which is why I enjoy submission at home.

In another thread I explained my craving for for my master/husband to dominate more. What I don't understand is why he (or other dominates ??) can't see that to really show love for a submissive is to dominate them.

I am not trying to say we can't have other forms of affection but... as a sub I feel a great need that only he as my master can fufill and that is his primary role - just as mine should be to serve. My favorite time is after a scene or just anytime that I have really pleased him to be able to cuddle and hold each other - That to me is love and fufillment.

Am I totally off base?

Madi

No , you are not off base at all.