Anyone out there who is into BDSM but your partner/spouse is NOT?

JMohegan said:
Here is a generalized version of the type of thing I say to guys who are sincerely interested in exploring BDSM solely because they want to accommodate a partner's needs. It is advice I give on *first steps* to guys who are open-minded but hesitant, intimidated by the mystique, darkside-averse, and confused as to how to proceed.

Think about bedroom BDSM in three parts: topping, domming, and inflicting pain.


Topping

The essence of topping in the bedroom is skill with a toy. When you first start to think about topping, don't think about anybody's dark side or your partner screaming in pain. Instead, get in touch with your inner child - the boy who learned how to hit a ball deep into left field or draw realistic caricatures of the teachers in 6th grade.

If your inner child is an athlete or warrior, pick a toy like a flogger or crop that feels natural in your hand and is *fun* to swing. Practice your aim by swinging at pillows; hit your own body to get a sense of the impact and effect on the skin.

If your inner child is an artist, learn about various bondage techniques or wax play.

Then start playing.... and I do mean *playing* with your partner. Follow safety precautions, but don't take these sessions too seriously at first. Act like a kid at Christmas, not a guy with something to prove.


Domming

The essence of domming in the bedroom is being selfish. It has nothing to do with being a guy who inspires all females within a 50-mile radius to drop quivering to the ground to kiss his feet.

You've already got a woman in your bedroom begging you to control and use her as you see fit? Guess what! That means you've already done all the inspiring that's necessary for domming to take place, and now you just need to give yourself permission to be selfish.

When you wake up at 2 a.m. in the mood for a blowjob, wake your partner up too and tell her to get busy.

When you get aroused by the way she looks bent over to reach a lower shelf in the kitchen, turn off the stove and take her right there on the floor. Who the hell cares if dinner is ruined? The point is, you're aroused and she's yours. So go for it!

When you start making love and think, "Gee, tonight I'd really like anal," don't *ask* her. *Tell* her that's what you're going to do. If a stern, commanding voice feels unnatural to you, don't use one! (Personally, I get the best results with a low, deep whisper.) But no matter what tone you select, remember - you are not *asking*. You are *telling* her what to do.

Controlling the when, where, and how per your own selfish desires. That's domming in the bedroom.


Inflicting pain

"Hurts so good" does not count as inflicting pain. If you twist her nipples hard and she moans "Oooooh, yessssssss," that's pleasure. If you spank her ass or thwap her with your new flogger and she says, "Please, please don't stop," that's pleasure too.

Inflicting pain means: it hurts and she really wants it to be over, but she's enduring it just for you.


Putting all three parts together

The key point here is: You actually don't *have* to put all three parts together in order to "do BDSM".

If you become skilled with your new toy(s), you can give your partner a lot of pleasure without ever insisting on the when or where or how.

If you become comfortable with your own selfishness, you can give your partner a lot of pleasure by controlling her behavior... without ever picking up a flogger or crop or cane.

And there are many, many people in the BDSM world who never take things to the point of inflicting pain, as I have defined it.

I'm impressed with your post! I have e-mailed it to my husband. In a way it sounds a little like "The Good Girl's Guide To Domination," only for guys. Kudos and thanks!

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
It sounds so hard to have to numb those cravings. I know first hand how it can feel.

*HUGS*

I hope you do get to venture out or he finds he does want to do this for you in RL soon. I can't really make out from your post how involved and committed you two really are. Maybe I missed something? If you are not super committed I'd say he has no right to putting a "hold" on you and you should go out. A local group could help you find out if this was something you enjoyed in the skin and also perhaps someone who did want to be a Dom, giving you what you burn for. God knows if I were single I'd be out there!

I have a lot of D/s playing in my head nearly all the time at home. So I think I know what you mean about that. I don't have sex without that's for sure. LOL.

Fury :rose:

*HUGS back* :)

We're very committed, we've been together for two years and don't plan on stopping or going our seperate ways anytime soon, which is what makes it hard. I don't want to make him feel inadequate, as he often does, saying, "I can't please you, I can't be what you want," which is almost as hard to hear as it is to feel like you have to say because I've said that before to other people; but I don't want to force him to be my Dom, so I'm stuck between him being happy or me being happy and I don't like that choice. Of course then that goes on to the delimma of me not being happy so he's not happy either thing... it gets way too complicated to mess with, lol.

If I lived closer to a larger city, I could be involved in local groups, but I live between Houston and Dallas: a 3 hour drive to Houston and a 5 hour drive to Dallas. So if I did join a local group (if I even ever got the okay from my boyfriend), then I wouldn't be able to afford to do it more than once every two months anyway.

I have one person in particular that, if given the opportunity, I would start a D/s relationship with; partly r/l, partly online as he lives further away and would have to fly to meet me... but we could make it work.

Thanks for replying to my post, I didn't figure anyone would. That made me feel good to get that out there and have someone understand. :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
I'm impressed with your post! I have e-mailed it to my husband. In a way it sounds a little like "The Good Girl's Guide To Domination," only for guys. Kudos and thanks!

Fury :rose:
You're welcome. Glad you liked it, Fury. :)
 
Netzach said:
You'd have a better sense of him than most people, but give it a little time. I didn't hit my real stride till about 28, 7 years well into the scene. And I'm a chick, as you know we mature quicker.

He may not develop into wonder Dom, he may even become *less* wonder Dom, but the proverbial fat lady has not sung yet.

Thanks... that's really encouraging. :rose:
 
sexychik69 said:
*HUGS back* :)

We're very committed, we've been together for two years and don't plan on stopping or going our seperate ways anytime soon, which is what makes it hard. I don't want to make him feel inadequate, as he often does, saying, "I can't please you, I can't be what you want," which is almost as hard to hear as it is to feel like you have to say because I've said that before to other people; but I don't want to force him to be my Dom, so I'm stuck between him being happy or me being happy and I don't like that choice. Of course then that goes on to the delimma of me not being happy so he's not happy either thing... it gets way too complicated to mess with, lol.

If I lived closer to a larger city, I could be involved in local groups, but I live between Houston and Dallas: a 3 hour drive to Houston and a 5 hour drive to Dallas. So if I did join a local group (if I even ever got the okay from my boyfriend), then I wouldn't be able to afford to do it more than once every two months anyway.

I have one person in particular that, if given the opportunity, I would start a D/s relationship with; partly r/l, partly online as he lives further away and would have to fly to meet me... but we could make it work.

Thanks for replying to my post, I didn't figure anyone would. That made me feel good to get that out there and have someone understand. :rose:

I'm glad it felt good.

*hugs*

I hope you find a way to reach a place where both of you can be happy!

Fury :rose:
 
nymphee said:
In all seriousness, give 'em Culture Shock to read. Before he read it milord didn't have a nice word to say about BDSM types and would rant about how he thought they were weird, and twisted and sick and blah blah blah. About and hour after reading the first few pages he told me he found it 'intresting' and a week later he said he wanted to be my Dom. I honestly never thought it would happen, but had set myself up for a life time of fantasies and feeling guilty about it.


To clarify slightly, and to give a view from the other side of the fence:

I was ignorant. I had previously assumed all BDSM enthusiasts to be
a)slightly seedy.
b)slightly unpleasant (who wants to inflict pain on someone else? I remember thinking)
and c) probably in need of medical attention. That is to say that I thought that anyone who wanted to have pain inflicted on them, or to submit to someone else probably had serious self esteem issues and that the people who wanted to inflict the pain or be submitted to were either taking advantage of other people's weakness (which I deplore) or suffering from self esteem issues too.
I also figured that black leather hoods, ball gags, and other things which I find simply un-sexy were compulsory. Foolish of me, but to the uninitiated that is how it can seem.
The effect of reading "Culture Shock" was not to 'convert me' but to show me that there is a lighter, less, well, ugly side to BDSM. It is possible to be a Dom without making your sub look ugly or humiliated if you don't want to. The point is that before you start on the BDSM journey you check a map to make sure that you know where you are heading, and that you are not going to get led down some path that you do not want to go down. The best advice I can give to all you subs who are desperately trying to convince significant others to make the leap is ask them what their hang-ups are about the whole business. Also, I would be more than happy to talk to any of these chaps, should they wish to talk to someone who was once in the same position as they find themselves in.
 
JMohegan said:
You're welcome. Glad you liked it, Fury. :)

Heh, heh, I sent it to Mr. Fury with this re: I thought this sounded really smart what do you think?

He sent me back this comment:

.....Sounds pretty astute. Of course, some guys don't need to be told that it's Christmas...

*smiles*

Fury :rose:
 
With gratitude

Thank you again, Fury, JMohegan, and SirFace for your advice and insight – sorry it’s taken me so long to answer but have been inundated with work (not a bad thing, at all, considering my current financial situation, but kept me off the boards for a while.)

You have all helped me to both work out some of my fears and figure out how I am going to proceed. I know again from last night and this morning that he is working to piece this all together - he is a magnificent man in so many ways. I have to share all of myself with him honestly - otherwise the relationship will die. And I have to do it slowly and with great consideration.

Please excuse the way that I snipped and rearranged in order to facilitate responding…

With :heart: Neon

FurryFury said:
I bring things up many ways. In the beginning I might mention what had been really turning me on in cyber in such a wild way, that it blew my mind, perhaps while we were on a walk. Or I might send him a link to say, the chain trick. I might sit with him looking at a toy web site to see what turned him on or what turned me on and which things we both were into. This was just fun stuff to do together usually just before sex.

<snip>I've always told him and shown him that it's okay if he doesn't want to do something. To be honest, in order to survive my childhood I have become something of an unconscious expert at dealing with people.

<snip> There are subtle ways to say things and show things that I usually don't even think about so that they feel secure, comfortable and accepted. It's hard to explain how I do some of these things. It's sort of like teaching my daughter to drive when I've been driving so long much of what I do on an ongoing and automatic basis while driving I don't even consciously think about, you know?

I have never wanted him to do what he doesn't want to. However it has happened more than once that he freaked out about something as mentioned above. What sometimes comforts me is that I know I don't want him to do that which he really doesn't want to. I know I've made that clear to him in every way I have to do so.

<snip> But let me reiterate here, I never once asked him to spank me. I merely told him how hot it got me in cyber.

He knows that I will never ask him to do anything against his nature, just as he will never ask me to go against mine – this is one of the pacts we made early on when our relationship started to become more serious. This is perhaps where some of my hesitancy arises because it’s also a big part of my personal ethical code. I like the idea of talking about things that I’ve thought about, or think of as sexy, of trading fantasies, etc. I also like the idea of starting slowly, with things like sensory play, as long as he knows that while I’m hoping this might make him open to more, it doesn’t mean that I will expect it. He has expressed interest in Shibari, so perhaps this is a place to start.

Regarding acceptance, this is one thing that we give to each other something I consider a tremendous blessing. I know that he has shared things with me that he wouldn’t share with anyone else and vice versa.

FurryFury said:
On the other hand I will do things for him because I want to please him. These things are sometimes things that I don't really want to do except for him. Therefore if he decides to say yes because he wants to please me, even though he knows I don't expect or particularly want him doing something he doesn't want to do, then that is on him, not me. Sure it will still bug me but having someone love me enough to do for me isn't the worst thing in the world, ya know?

There are things that I have done for him already that were initially difficult for me – perhaps I need to acknowledge that he has the right to give to me in the same way. Thank you.

FurryFury said:
Of course the next thing to determine was who was going to receive and who was going to give, sometimes it was both of us doing both before we were done. I was shocked that he got almost physically sick taking nude shots of me or hated using hot water and paint brushes on me. I could never predict him. I was surprised he wanted to be ass fucked, dressed as a woman and made up as well.

As long as you take the time, when the time is right to go over the scenes, as long as you both work at it and are honest, you can keep the communication healthy and not resentful. I try not to lose heart when he hates something because I have found that he is very hidebound at first but later can relax into things if I give him the time. … <snip>

We already do this within the context of vanilla sex – I have always been a pretty sexually dominant, take control type of person – even before I began my formal exploration of BDSM, we both talked about “surrendering / submitting / opening ourselves to each other. I don’t know why I am afraid of how this might play out in a less vanilla context. I love what you express about patience, etc.

FurryFury said:
His feelings, these are things that take the most time to reconcile. Society raises men to be and do certain things these days. Some of these things must be rewritten in the mind before he can be comfortable with them. My husband was scared and ashamed of his feelings at times. That's normal I think for many. At least that is my opinion on the matter and what I have seen with my man… <snip> (Enough of a side issue?)

When your other allows you to tell him / her your most base desires and vile secrets that is a great gift. When they still not only accept you but actually like you and find your desirable, you feel there is almost nothing you can't do from the high.

<snip> Trust is a hard thing to get back. You can't do it overnight. It has to be brought back slowly.

I think that this is not a side issue but at the crux of much of what is going on between us and of my fears. He was brought up in a very constricting and sexually repressive Christian community but his cultural background allows him to view certain aspects of gender, sexual orientation, and sexuality with much more openness than many men brought up in Western culture – sometimes I think these things war within him, and I also think they influenced his decision to break up with me when he did… I need to figure out if that is where some of my fears are coming from now, which of course relates to the issue of reestablishing trust.

FurryFury said:
This makes sense to me. You and he are both going through a lot right now emotionally. It has to be hard to add in this new thing with all of the relationship reconstruction you must do. I read about your betrayal on the other thread and my heart went out to you so much. You are such a strong woman. I admire you a great deal!

I started really exploring all this consciously in October of 2004. I'm comfortable now even though we are not doing nearly enough, often enough. LOL. It took at least a good year to become more comfortable. To know he was going to be cool with what we did and even if he weren't we could talk about it and vice versa.
Thank you first of all for your kind words regarding my story, although I don’t always feel so strong – just a survivor, LOL. Even more, thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your experiences. What I am recognizing through your share is that I cannot allow my fears to put limits on our communication and my sharing with him how I am feeling – this would probably spell the death knell of our relationship, which I am determined to keep alive. At the same time, it seems important to take all of it slowly, baby step by baby step to insure that the communication is truly open and that we both have time to process it all…

I saw him last night/this morning – without my bringing it up, he is clearly working to understand my desires and how they fit with how he sees me – as warm and loving and accepting, etc… And I love him for all that he gives me because this is a tremendous gift.


FurryFury said:
Honestly if I had my way, we'd have scenes at least three times a week and fuck at least twice a day but damn it, life is not allowing us that kind of time or energy right now. *grr*

These days I often find myself saying, yep, there are things I should be doing right now but fuck it. Today I'm going to take it easy and maybe tomorrow I'll have a better day for it. Sometimes life has to be enough even when it really isn't.

If I didn't have things I still wanted but could not have, hey maybe I'd be bored. Maybe life would lose all meaning?
I just have to LOL as I so resemble this remark (laughing is always a better response than crying, yes?) :heart:

FurryFury said:
No problem about you asking questions. One of the things I enjoy most in life is sharing what I have experienced if it can help anyone in any small way. I'm a bit of a pedagogue. Then too there is that reference librarian aspect of me to fulfil from time to time.
Thank you now, not only for being a friend, but being a reference librarian!
;) :rose:

SirFace said:
Actually, I think my age (53) helped give me the courage and maturity and openmindedness to give it a real try. 10, 20, 30 years ago, maybe not.

Since I had always leaned to the submissive side in bed I was also concerned about this and eventually talked her into having at me. Nothing. So, Im not a masocist. I still enjoy her taking the lead sometimes sexually. I know she does too, especially orally. I thought it would be more difficult but I believe we have managed to plan and enjoy "play" times along with and still enjoy more conventional sex.
I am definitely switch – more a masochist than a sub, but very comfortable being Dominant. Re: age, also glad that I am approaching this now at this age – have more willingness to explore things before making up my mind about who I am in this world, have more patience with myself for making mistakes, for not being able to use my left hand well to wield a flogger, for accepting everything that I am. Re: conventional sex, I suspect that no matter where this goes, neither of us will give up our enjoyment of it. :D

JMohegan said:
<snip>Here is a generalized version of the type of thing I say to guys who are sincerely interested in exploring BDSM solely because they want to accommodate a partner's needs. It is advice I give on *first steps* to guys who are open-minded but hesitant, intimidated by the mystique, darkside-averse, and confused as to how to proceed.

Think about bedroom BDSM in three parts: topping, domming, and inflicting pain…
Thank you very much – I loved this explanation. And I intend to share it with him. I think that just as much as he is struggling with my desires for surrender and masochism, and his understanding of himself within that framework and of the joy he experiences when he feels powerful, he is struggling with how my sadism and dominant desires fit within his love for me and who he understands me to be. I think that this can become the starting point for discussing both of these areas. He has, unfortunately, begun trying to figure all of this out by searching personal ads on Craig’s List – not always the best place for a “beginner” to gain an understanding of what it means to be Dominant within what I see as the deep ethical code of BDSM practice. To read your explanation as a Dominant man who is respected within the Lit community will, I think, speak to many of his fears.
 
neonflux said:
He has, unfortunately, begun trying to figure all of this out by searching personal ads on Craig’s List – not always the best place for a “beginner” to gain an understanding of what it means to be Dominant within what I see as the deep ethical code of BDSM practice.
There is so much trash on the Internet. Totally unrealistic BS ranging from tales of Doms with superhuman powers to images of women with bound, purple breasts being ordered to suck off entire neighborhoods.

My advice to newcomers would be to stay away from personal ads, porn, and random googling when trying to figure out which part of the lifestyle might work for you.

Talk to intelligent people or read quality books on the subject to broaden your perspective, but remember that there is no universal *anything* when it comes to BDSM. No ethical code or standard of behavior that represents the majority of practitioners or what the average well-intentioned person should try to be.
 
JMohegan said:
There is so much trash on the Internet. Totally unrealistic BS ranging from tales of Doms with superhuman powers to images of women with bound, purple breasts being ordered to suck off entire neighborhoods.

My advice to newcomers would be to stay away from personal ads, porn, and random googling when trying to figure out which part of the lifestyle might work for you.

Talk to intelligent people or read quality books on the subject to broaden your perspective, but remember that there is no universal *anything* when it comes to BDSM. No ethical code or standard of behavior that represents the majority of practitioners or what the average well-intentioned person should try to be.

Great post JM...

Piggybacking...

Also it is a good idea not to deal with someone who asks for or sends you naked pics. The reason why should be apparent.

Eb
 
JMohegan said:
There is so much trash on the Internet. Totally unrealistic BS ranging from tales of Doms with superhuman powers to images of women with bound, purple breasts being ordered to suck off entire neighborhoods.

My advice to newcomers would be to stay away from personal ads, porn, and random googling when trying to figure out which part of the lifestyle might work for you.

Talk to intelligent people or read quality books on the subject to broaden your perspective, but remember that there is no universal *anything* when it comes to BDSM. No ethical code or standard of behavior that represents the majority of practitioners or what the average well-intentioned person should try to be.
I completely agree - I did share my workbook from Cleo Dubois' course for Dominant women, which he found interesting and helped him begin to see why I was interested in pursuing this, why it touches me so.

Went to Borders today to see if I could find either "When Someone You Love is Kinky" or "Culture Shock" and wasn't surprised when I couldn't.

Do you know them? If so, out of the two, which would you recommend? I am also considering giving him Sybil Holiday's "Consensual Sadomasochism."

The biggest problem with the Craig's List search he's doing is that he's drawn to the posts which are most unlike how I view BDSM but I think may be expressive of his deepest fears about it.

I will definitely share with him your description of Topping Domming and Inflicting Pain.

:heart: Neon
 
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A big hug to everyone!

thank you, thank you, thank you...

I have decided, after all of this, that what I need to do pretty immediately is to take the plunge and to just trust him (without thinking about our temporary break-up) and to really hold the space for us to discuss this honestly...

All of the advice I've gotten here has helped and I want to thank everyone again for being so supportive. Promise to report back on the results (probably next weekend).

:rose: :heart: :rose: Neon
 
neonflux said:
I completely agree - I did share my workbook from Cleo Dubois' course for Dominant women, which he found interesting and helped him begin to see why I was interested in pursuing this, why it touches me so.

Went to Borders today to see if I could find either "When Someone You Love is Kinky" or "Culture Shock" and wasn't surprised when I couldn't.

Do you know them? If so, out of the two, which would you recommend? I am also considering giving him Sybil Holiday's "Consensual Sadomasochism."

The biggest problem with the Craig's List search he's doing is that he's drawn to the posts which are most unlike how I view BDSM but I think may be expressive of his deepest fears about it.

I will definitely share with him your description of Topping Domming and Inflicting Pain.

:heart: Neon

I think culture shock is on Lit and by Sir Nathan try this link:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=275707

I haven't read the whole thing. I was in a hurry, what else is new? It didn't seem to be my thing anyway but others have raved over it.

I do have When Someone You Love Is Kinky. I found it irritating and whiny but that could just be me. Also, I don't need to accept kinky people, I already do so that could color my ideas about that book.

Fury :rose:
 
"But you can call me Al!

Ok, here is a different kind of question, because it comes from the other side.

I am in my late 40's, and have finally come out to my wife about my desire to express my Dominant nature in real life.

As a "nice" person, I have had a long struggle with accepting my interest in BDSM as well as D/s. However, about 6 months ago I stumbled across an online submissive, meeting her in a completely different context. In fact, neither of us had any idea of each other's desires, and we only discovered this through increasingly outrageous flirting. By the time the relationship came to its end (for lots of complicated and messy reasons), we were heavily into it, and I discovered a natural and successful dominant side.

When the relationship finished, I turned to writing as a way of exploring and expressing my desires. To my suprise and pleasure, those writings that I have shown online have been judged to be very good and provoke strong positive reactions. One sub even wished she was the main character in one of my stories. I have also, in my time, read VERY widely.

So, last week I "came out" to my wife, and showed her some of my writings. We have also done the BDSM checklist, and we have discussed the hows and whys of D/s and BDSM. And it is this discussion that has finally revealed a gulf between us in some of our interests.

The Sane, Safe and Consensual mantra is engraved in my mind, and I cannot conceive doing anything that would do anything that would not bring pleasure to a consensual submissive. However, for my wife, the fact that I think beyond light spanking puts me one step short of a concentration guard. She finds it scary and worrying, though she accepts completely that I would never do anything with her to cause her anxiety and upset. The sex between us is good, if pretty vanilla, and she would love me to stay as we have, in many ways, a very close relationship.

However, I have now come to accept that hiding this part of myself (and so not being integrated), has caused me to often self destruct. I have contemplated trying to shove this genie back in its box - but know instinctively that this is not an option. To actually step out and put into practice, on the other hand, WILL mean the end of my marriage, as we both know that I will need an emotional element in any D/s and BDSM activities, and this would be a step too far for her.

So, my next step is to do something practical about it. I have a list of local Munches (I am based in the South East of the UK). I have joined the UK Kink thread.

I don't want a cyber alone, though I recognise that "Cyber leading to a some R/l" is probably the best way to proceed.

My question, (after all this) - is what further advice do you have, and what comments would you have for a Dom just about to launch himself onto an unsuspecting world??

ps - feel free to PM with any questions that you feel would be too personal to address here.
 
So All in the mind,

From what I'm reading, you are about to get into a divorce situation? However, from your post I'm not completely convinced you have tried to work things out with your wife. If you can go slow, it sounds to me as if you have some room to work with her still.

I'm a bit paranoid about a few things, legal matters being one of them. I would advise you to be very careful with your social activities as well as general comportment until the legal matters are settled one way or the other.

As far as stepping out into the BDSM world goes, I would suggest you learn as much as you can, via reading, attending demos and talking with others. That might also help you find someone to have the emotional and physical components you say you want / need.

Any submissive you meet will hopefully have done her own homework, be following her own safety protocols as, I hope, will you, and hardly be "unsuspecting." At least that is my hope.

Most people are not ready or able to really give their all in a new relationship for sometime after the old one has ended. People often do start a new relationship out of fear or loneliness but they aren't really ready for it, so I'd say be careful with that too.

It should take you some time once you are ready and able to experiment to find out what you feel comfortable and competent doing and also what you really like, when that happens I hope you go slow and have fun.

Fury :rose:
 
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Hi Al! Just to piggy back briefly on what Fury said, be careful around your activities. I don't know what the laws are like in the UK, but I have a friend here who lost access to his children because of his BDSM activities... (Of course, you may not have children, so if you have no-fault divorce in Britain, it might not be as much of an issue.) ~ Neon
 
Zinfandel said:
In the bedroom I more often than not want to take orders, not give them. I have realized during the past year that there is a very sexually submissive side to me, and that I find the idea of obeying commands in the bedroom exceptionally arousing. It's a desire to be taken, used, fucked senseless...

It's completely contrary to my husband's nature though. A few weeks ago, after a few drinks, I was very excited and more verbally agressive than usual while in bed together, and I told my husband to call me his whore... and he actually stopped thrusting and said "you're not a whore, you're my wife". :(

I think he was trying to be a good guy. These things often don't just happen overnight if at all. The idea of them takes some getting used to for many. Much communication needs to be done so that he'd know why you liked it, when and what it did for you. Then he might be able to change his position on that but honestly, it sounds like he was trying to be nice and respectful of you, that's not the worst thing he could be trying to be.

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
So All in the mind,

From what I'm reading, you are about to get into a divorce situation? However, from your post I'm not completely convinced you have tried to work things out with your wife. If you can go slow, it sounds to me as if you have some room to work with her still.

Well, when I wrote that, the reaction from her had been pretty anti. She does want to do what she can, but she also recognises that I am treading a path she can't relate to.

FurryFury said:
I'm a bit paranoid about a few things, legal matters being one of them. I would advise you to be very careful with your social activities as well as general comportment until the legal matters are settled one way or the other.

Thank you for the head's up on that, and to Neonflux as well. We don't have any kids, and there is "no fault" divorce. So far we have been, and I believe always will be, trying to work out the best way with the least damage, now and in the future. THis is one of the areas that is hardest for me, in that I am recognising a part of myself buried for all this time, and I am hurting a wonderful woman. However, can I re-bury that or find a compromise in order to save the marriage?

FurryFury said:
As far as stepping out into the BDSM world goes, I would suggest you learn as much as you can, via reading, attending demos and talking with others. That might also help you find someone to have the emotional and physical components you say you want / need.

Any submissive you meet will hopefully have done her own homework, be following her own safety protocols as, I hope, will you, and hardly be "unsuspecting." At least that is my hope.

Check - I have done a lot reading, (and this site is a gold mine). I have been some excellent links and tips elsewhere too.

FurryFury said:
Most people are not ready or able to really give their all in a new relationship for sometime after the old one has ended. People often do start a new relationship out of fear or loneliness but they aren't really ready for it, so I'd say be careful with that too.

It should take you some time once you are ready and able to experiment to find out what you feel comfortable and competent doing and also what you really like, when that happens I hope you go slow and have fun.

That one really made me think. I know it intellectually, but emotionally maybe I hadn't really thought that one through. If it comes to that, I will take things very carefully and recognise the hurt that needs to heal first.

Above all, I appreciate your care in writing all this. Thanks :rose:
 
Al, my situation is not too unlike yours, though we have worked out a compromise that makes both of us happy.

We've both had sub desires for a long time, but I recently discovered I have a very dominant side as well. Neither one of us is opposed to the idea of Topping, and we've played around with that in the last year. However, when we did the checklist from both the D and s sides, we discovered we're not terribly compatible when it comes to our desires. While we can continue to work within our limits together, I'm never going to see him as my Dom or my sub, even though those are both roles I'm yearning to explore.

Polyamory preceeded this whole thing, so it wasn't much of a leap for us to decide to explore BDSM with other partners. While he's choosing not to go down that path right now, I'm actively learning, meeting people in the community and looking for a sub. If/when he becomes ready, I hope he'll find a Domme he can really connect and explore his submissive side with.

We have rules that are designed to preserve our great marriage, and honestly, I see polyamory as one of the things that's going to help keep us together for life because people who are happy and fulfilled make for a solid, satisfying relationship. It doesn't work for everyone, but I think when everything's good apart from some needs like this being unmet, it's an option that's definitely worth exploring before parting ways. If it's not an acceptable solution, at least a couple can be confident they really tried to make it work.

Anyway, I just wanted to share how we're dealing with differing desires/needs in hopes it'll help someone else. :) It's definitely not an easy situation.
 
All_in_the_mind said:
Well, when I wrote that, the reaction from her had been pretty anti. She does want to do what she can, but she also recognises that I am treading a path she can't relate to.



Thank you for the head's up on that, and to Neonflux as well. We don't have any kids, and there is "no fault" divorce. So far we have been, and I believe always will be, trying to work out the best way with the least damage, now and in the future. THis is one of the areas that is hardest for me, in that I am recognising a part of myself buried for all this time, and I am hurting a wonderful woman. However, can I re-bury that or find a compromise in order to save the marriage?

Check - I have done a lot reading, (and this site is a gold mine). I have been some excellent links and tips elsewhere too.


That one really made me think. I know it intellectually, but emotionally maybe I hadn't really thought that one through. If it comes to that, I will take things very carefully and recognise the hurt that needs to heal first.

Above all, I appreciate your care in writing all this. Thanks :rose:

It is my pleasure to help in any small way I can.

I don't think you should re-bury that though for some that is what they must do to keep their kids and so on, but finding a compromise would be an option I would try to exercise if I could.

Fury :rose:
 
Zinfandel said:
In the bedroom I more often than not want to take orders, not give them. I have realized during the past year that there is a very sexually submissive side to me, and that I find the idea of obeying commands in the bedroom exceptionally arousing. It's a desire to be taken, used, fucked senseless...

It's completely contrary to my husband's nature though. A few weeks ago, after a few drinks, I was very excited and more verbally agressive than usual while in bed together, and I told my husband to call me his whore... and he actually stopped thrusting and said "you're not a whore, you're my wife". :(

You poor thing! I think that if I got told that I would honestly have to cry. Maybe that's me being too sensitive though. Because that to me means that yes, he loves me, but he won't see me as anything except his good girl wife or the bearer of his children or something.

Every woman needs to feel like a whore at some point... men don't understand a lot of the time that being told that once in a while makes us feel wanted. Sometimes love and romance just isn't enough.

{{{{{{{{{{Zinfandel}}}}}}}}}}
 
sexychik69 said:
You poor thing! I think that if I got told that I would honestly have to cry. Maybe that's me being too sensitive though. Because that to me means that yes, he loves me, but he won't see me as anything except his good girl wife or the bearer of his children or something.

Every woman needs to feel like a whore at some point... men don't understand a lot of the time that being told that once in a while makes us feel wanted. Sometimes love and romance just isn't enough.

{{{{{{{{{{Zinfandel}}}}}}}}}}

I can't agree to that. It's cool if that is what someone does need. I just don't think it's true of every woman.

Fury :rose:
 
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