FurryFury
Addict of Sensation
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2005
- Posts
- 29,460
JMohegan said:Here is a generalized version of the type of thing I say to guys who are sincerely interested in exploring BDSM solely because they want to accommodate a partner's needs. It is advice I give on *first steps* to guys who are open-minded but hesitant, intimidated by the mystique, darkside-averse, and confused as to how to proceed.
Think about bedroom BDSM in three parts: topping, domming, and inflicting pain.
Topping
The essence of topping in the bedroom is skill with a toy. When you first start to think about topping, don't think about anybody's dark side or your partner screaming in pain. Instead, get in touch with your inner child - the boy who learned how to hit a ball deep into left field or draw realistic caricatures of the teachers in 6th grade.
If your inner child is an athlete or warrior, pick a toy like a flogger or crop that feels natural in your hand and is *fun* to swing. Practice your aim by swinging at pillows; hit your own body to get a sense of the impact and effect on the skin.
If your inner child is an artist, learn about various bondage techniques or wax play.
Then start playing.... and I do mean *playing* with your partner. Follow safety precautions, but don't take these sessions too seriously at first. Act like a kid at Christmas, not a guy with something to prove.
Domming
The essence of domming in the bedroom is being selfish. It has nothing to do with being a guy who inspires all females within a 50-mile radius to drop quivering to the ground to kiss his feet.
You've already got a woman in your bedroom begging you to control and use her as you see fit? Guess what! That means you've already done all the inspiring that's necessary for domming to take place, and now you just need to give yourself permission to be selfish.
When you wake up at 2 a.m. in the mood for a blowjob, wake your partner up too and tell her to get busy.
When you get aroused by the way she looks bent over to reach a lower shelf in the kitchen, turn off the stove and take her right there on the floor. Who the hell cares if dinner is ruined? The point is, you're aroused and she's yours. So go for it!
When you start making love and think, "Gee, tonight I'd really like anal," don't *ask* her. *Tell* her that's what you're going to do. If a stern, commanding voice feels unnatural to you, don't use one! (Personally, I get the best results with a low, deep whisper.) But no matter what tone you select, remember - you are not *asking*. You are *telling* her what to do.
Controlling the when, where, and how per your own selfish desires. That's domming in the bedroom.
Inflicting pain
"Hurts so good" does not count as inflicting pain. If you twist her nipples hard and she moans "Oooooh, yessssssss," that's pleasure. If you spank her ass or thwap her with your new flogger and she says, "Please, please don't stop," that's pleasure too.
Inflicting pain means: it hurts and she really wants it to be over, but she's enduring it just for you.
Putting all three parts together
The key point here is: You actually don't *have* to put all three parts together in order to "do BDSM".
If you become skilled with your new toy(s), you can give your partner a lot of pleasure without ever insisting on the when or where or how.
If you become comfortable with your own selfishness, you can give your partner a lot of pleasure by controlling her behavior... without ever picking up a flogger or crop or cane.
And there are many, many people in the BDSM world who never take things to the point of inflicting pain, as I have defined it.
I'm impressed with your post! I have e-mailed it to my husband. In a way it sounds a little like "The Good Girl's Guide To Domination," only for guys. Kudos and thanks!
Fury