Anyone out there who is into BDSM but your partner/spouse is NOT?

[sexychik69]

I can't agree to that. It's cool if that is what someone does need. I just don't think it's true of every woman.

Fury

Sorry... there I go again, talking in absolutes. And I call myself very talented in the subject of English and creative writing.

I should have said that most women do, especially these days. I personally haven't met anyone that I know wouldn't want to hear that at least once, whether it was from an SO or from a stranger. For lots of women it's a turn on for anyone to see them outside the "good girl" state women are "supposed" to be in... that's what I meant.

 

[hamiJJ]

Its a combination of funny, frustrating and sad

Hi all

good thread, i can get the frustration from all of you and understand it.

My life is simular i love to dominate in the bedroom and like to spank, choke and spit etc . I am a very dom person and love the thought of a girl who cums at the thought of being treated this way and fucked, taken and used. If you like the thought of being called and slut and a whore then we are a match made in heaven or hell.

ut alas my girl doesnt like any of that and so we make vanilla love.

Until she gets drunk and then POW!!! what a little slut

Still she only drinks a couple of time a year.

So if your hubby treats you like a princess and you want to be treated like a slut.

Pop round ive got alot of frustration to cum out.

JJ

 

[JMohegan]

In the bedroom I more often than not want to take orders, not give them. I have realized during the past year that there is a very sexually submissive side to me, and that I find the idea of obeying commands in the bedroom exceptionally arousing. It's a desire to be taken, used, fucked senseless...

It's completely contrary to my husband's nature though. A few weeks ago, after a few drinks, I was very excited and more verbally agressive than usual while in bed together, and I told my husband to call me his whore... and he actually stopped thrusting and said "you're not a whore, you're my wife".

I have no doubt that you're absolutely right Fury... I know that to him, to use the word "whore" in regards to me would be a sign of disrespect. I should be pleased that it's the last thing he'd want to be I should find a better way (and time) to communicate to him that the thought excites me!

Zinfandel,

From my perspective, you touched on three separate issues in your first post here: D/s, rough sex, and mild humiliation. Of course, the three blend together in your image of what great sex might be. But it's sometimes helpful to talk about them separately. This might give your partner a chance to explore one at a time, making your request for change in the bedroom seem less overwhelming.

D/s

D/s in the bedroom means: He controls when, where, and how you have sex. If you read the description that I wrote in this post, you'll see that D/s itself would not guarantee that you'd be "fucked senseless" or called a whore.

If your husband has a penchant for slooooooow, loving, tender sex, and you say: "Honey, please take control in the bedroom," and he agrees....... Guess what? You're going to be having plenty of slooooooow, loving, tender sex!

Rough sex

A guy does not need to be a Dominant to appreciate and practice rough sex. IMO this is very important for you to understand, Zinfandel, because getting into the whole D/s thing can muddy the waters unnecessarily if what you really want is to be "fucked senseless".

Many guys are raised to treat girls gently. This conditioning can be difficult to overcome, but it is not impossible. And of all the conversations you could be having, this one might be the easiest because the requests can be concrete and specific. Show him a rough sex scene in a movie or passage in a book that you found erotic, or make specific requests about dragging you down the hall to the bedroom, pinning your wrists, whatever.

Mild humiliation

There are multiple views on this thread, which may be helpful to you in framing your discussion with your husband.

I have never called a partner whore or slut, and have no desire to do so. Your husband's comment is one that I can very much relate to. And I'd like to point out that his firm insistence on referring to you in the way *he* feels is appropriate was a very dominant thing to do.

Which brings me back to my original point. It's important to focus on what you really seek here. A fantasy image of great sex may contain all three elements, but you might make greater progress by initially focusing on just one or two.

 

[Netzach]

Al, my situation is not too unlike yours, though we have worked out a compromise that makes both of us happy.

We've both had sub desires for a long time, but I recently discovered I have a very dominant side as well. Neither one of us is opposed to the idea of Topping, and we've played around with that in the last year. However, when we did the checklist from both the D and s sides, we discovered we're not terribly compatible when it comes to our desires. While we can continue to work within our limits together, I'm never going to see him as my Dom or my sub, even though those are both roles I'm yearning to explore.

Polyamory preceeded this whole thing, so it wasn't much of a leap for us to decide to explore BDSM with other partners. While he's choosing not to go down that path right now, I'm actively learning, meeting people in the community and looking for a sub. If/when he becomes ready, I hope he'll find a Domme he can really connect and explore his submissive side with.

We have rules that are designed to preserve our great marriage, and honestly, I see polyamory as one of the things that's going to help keep us together for life because people who are happy and fulfilled make for a solid, satisfying relationship. It doesn't work for everyone, but I think when everything's good apart from some needs like this being unmet, it's an option that's definitely worth exploring before parting ways. If it's not an acceptable solution, at least a couple can be confident they really tried to make it work.

Anyway, I just wanted to share how we're dealing with differing desires/needs in hopes it'll help someone else. It's definitely not an easy situation.

Rock the logic. It's not easy and it's not for everyone, But I'll bet it's not for as small a minority as are willing to consider it.

 

[Zinfandel]

men don't understand a lot of the time that being told that once in a while makes us feel wanted.

I think that's a huge part of it for me, especially as our sex life is really lacking something in terms of frequency and his level of interest. It would absolutely make me feel wanted and desired for him to speak to me in a such a way... and to be seen as a sexual object for his pleasure, while not what I would want all of the time, is a really exciting for me. Thanks for your understanding, and your thoughts

 

[Zinfandel]

.....

 

[JMohegan]

A few weeks ago, after a few drinks, I was very excited and more verbally agressive than usual while in bed together, and I told my husband to call me his whore... and he actually stopped thrusting and said "you're not a whore, you're my wife".

men don't understand a lot of the time that being told that once in a while makes us feel wanted.

It would absolutely make me feel wanted and desired for him to speak to me in a such a way... and to be seen as a sexual object for his pleasure, while not what I would want all of the time, is a really exciting for me.

This exchange helps me understand where you're coming from, Zinfandel. But let's look at the whore label from a different point of view.

whore = a woman who has sex for money. She does not discriminate among partners based on character, personality, etc. She'll take anyone who's got the cash.

I can't speak for your husband. But I can tell you that I have an absolute preference for a partner who wants to be in bed with *me*. Just me. And not because I have cash, but simply because she thinks I am the most awesome guy on the planet. The one. *Her* one.

That's not a description of a whore. That's a description of a partner, girlfriend, lover, or wife. Which is why I said I could relate 100% to your husband's response.

Of course, words mean different things to different people. My suggestion would be to talk to your husband, in a non-sexual setting, about the feelings and desires underlying your request for him to address you that way in bed. He may be willing to call you whore once he understands what the word means to you, or he may pick another word that works for both of you, or you may find non-verbal triggers for the feeling of being wanted, desired, etc.

Thanks, again, for all your thoughts

PS - Have you ever thought of becoming a sex therapist???

LOL, nope.

You're quite welcome.

 

[neonflux]

Hi everyone! Update... I just got back this afternoon from being with my primary. He noticed the bruise from the play-piercing I got for a power-pull/exchange during my kink partner's graduation play party last Sunday (know you're not supposed to bruise but I don't clot easily and always do so when piereced over my right breast). I told him - he looked at me, hugged me, and said that was one of the reasons he loved me - because I was so unashamed about who I was and what I wanted.

He shared some new fantasies that we are going to explore together (thanks Fury ), talked about the differences between D/s and S/m and humiliation (thank you JMohegan - your explanation was my guide for this discussion ). His eyes lit up when I suggested doing some sensory play with me in charge. I have been invited to attend/participate in a Sundance-type ritual and as much difficulty as he has with the concept of pain, he even agreed to be my support... Best of all, I don't feel like I need to hold anything back, anymore - even shared my recent experience with sub drop.

There is a lot we probably will never explore - pain being one of the primary areas because he cannot connect to either giving or receiving. Still, I am deeply blessed.

Thanks everyone for your advise and support.
Baby steps, but significant ones.
Neon

 

[FurryFury]

Hi everyone! Update... I just got back this afternoon from being with my primary. He noticed the bruise from the play-piercing I got for a power-pull/exchange during my kink partner's graduation play party last Sunday (know you're not supposed to bruise but I don't clot easily and always do so when piereced over my right breast). I told him - he looked at me, hugged me, and said that was one of the reasons he loved me - because I was so unashamed about who I was and what I wanted.

He shared some new fantasies that we are going to explore together (thanks Fury ), talked about the differences between D/s and S/m and humiliation (thank you JMohegan - your explanation was my guide for this discussion ). His eyes lit up when I suggested doing some sensory play with me in charge. I have been invited to attend/participate in a Sundance-type ritual and as much difficulty as he has with the concept of pain, he even agreed to be my support... Best of all, I don't feel like I need to hold anything back, anymore - even shared my recent experience with sub drop.

There is a lot we probably will never explore - pain being one of the primary areas because he cannot connect to either giving or receiving. Still, I am deeply blessed.

Thanks everyone for your advise and support.
Baby steps, but significant ones.
Neon

Great news! I'm so happy for you both!

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[Zinfandel]

.....

 

[Netzach]

I think the "whore and slut" labels shut conversation down sometimes, and I think it's a sad commentary on the culture that we don't have better ways of articulating sexually lustful, primal, hot and aggressively available womanhood than "whore" and "slut" both of which are commodifying terms, negative, and ergo often off-putting (sure they can be hot, but sometimes maybe it's better to say just what you mean?)

The real issue is getting less hung up on the virgin/whore thing to the point where being "a wife" isn't some kind of frigidity.

 

[JMohegan]

Rather, I suppose what I am looking for is a term that would connote something quite the opposite of the sweet, kind, and socially appropriate woman I am supposed to be in everyday life. To be seen (and treated) as a passionate, and sexually hungry woman is what I really want.

Which noun is generally understood to mean: monogamous female who is sweet, kind, and socially appropriate in everyday life, but passionate and sexually hungry with her partner? I don't know! I can't think of one, and I agree with Netzach that it's a sad commentary on our culture that I can't.

"Lover" comes closest, I suppose. You could try lover with a few adjectives in front of it, e.g., "my wild and hungry lover," or something like that. Personally I have always just referred to a partner by her name, even in bed. I convey mood, attitude, etc. by altering tone, inflection, and volume. I get a lot of mileage out of my voice.

However, the real problem here doesn't seem to be his words but his mindset, as you've already pointed out:

He thinks of his wife as a woman to be treated with care and respect and love when it comes to sex... but in fact, what I'd really like sometimes in bed is for him to see me less as his sweet, loving wife and more as a woman with great tits that he can't wait to bang. Does that make any sense whatsoever??

Yes, of course this makes sense.

My suggestion is that you pick a low key, non-sexual time and place to talk about this with him. It sounds as if you're up against some deeply entrenched social conditioning, though. So cut him some slack, and don't be put off if the initial response is not what you're hoping for.

 

[JMohegan]

Thanks everyone for your advise and support.
Baby steps, but significant ones.
Neon

Quite welcome, Neon. Significant baby steps? That's great.

 

[Zinfandel]

Which noun is generally understood to mean: monogamous female who is sweet, kind, and socially appropriate in everyday life, but passionate and sexually hungry with her partner? I don't know! I can't think of one, and I agree with Netzach that it's a sad commentary on our culture that I can't.

I agree with both of you on that point!

My suggestion is that you pick a low key, non-sexual time and place to talk about this with him. It sounds as if you're up against some deeply entrenched social conditioning, though. So cut him some slack, and don't be put off if the initial response is not what you're hoping for.

I did bring it up with him late last night and we were able to speak about it briefly. He agreed with my assessment that he has a very difficult time thinking of me as anything but the "good girl" he married, but seemed to understand the desires I shared with him and seemed somewhat open working with me on them. So we'll see what happens - and if nothing else, communication about it is a good thing!

Thank you again for your sincere interest and advice. It's been good just to talk about it here some, and a great opportunity to delve a bit deeper into my thoughts on this

 

[neonflux]

Zinfandel, being where you are, I can only say that my heart and hopes are with you on this journey. I am glad that your communication is going well. Neon

 

[Zinfandel]

Zinfandel, being where you are, I can only say that my heart and hopes are with you on this journey. I am glad that your communication is going well. Neon

Thank you so much Neon

 

[scent2u]

I have been in a relationship for 8 years and we have had extremly limited contact for the past 4 , he was the turning point in learning about myself and now we are unable to even talk about it let alone do anything for it. Maybe if his health ever improves I could bring it up to him.