Asserting Yourself

[TBKahuna123]

erika, i'd point your husband to this thread, frankly. his decision that he wants this person in your two lives is having a cost and i have to wonder if he's aware of just how high a price he's forcing on you, to be blunt.

ed

I don't think that's a fair statement at all, dude. This is exactly what I was talking about in my statement above. I've drifted away from my friend because his wife is such a pain in the ass. That's not at all fair to him and I feel bad quite often that he's been almost pushed away from us through no fault of his own, becasue his wife just drives us crazy.

If this friend is not causing any problems, I wouldn't say Erika's husband is forcing anything on her. Why should their friend suffer because of his wife's shortcomings?

 

[silverwhisper]

heh...i misread erika's response: i thought she was saying that the woman was close friends w/ her husband, not the woman's husband.

now that i'm reading it correctly, kindly ignore my last comment: you're right, kahuna.

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

...you're right, kahuna.

ed

No worries. Now if I could only get my wife to say that.

 

[Guest]

 

[SweetErika]

Wow this is like total deja vu! You could be describing the woman I was talking about to a T! I think the need of attention is defintely part of it, and usually this is a manifestation of unhappiness in other parts of their life.

In my situation the one who really suffers in her poor husband. Nice guy, good friends with us, but all three of the other male compnents of this group rarely get to hang with him anymore because his wife never lets him out alone. It's caused us to kind of drift away, which really sucks.

That's really sad. I can imagine her not wanting him to hang out with a group of women, but where's the threat in men?

heh...i misread erika's response: i thought she was saying that the woman was close friends w/ her husband, not the woman's husband.

now that i'm reading it correctly, kindly ignore my last comment: you're right, kahuna.

ed

It's complicated...I was dating the woman, but that didn't work for any number of reasons (many listed above, including manipulation, control, and creating problems), and we agreed to be friends because I thought it'd change her perspective and behavior. During that time, her husband and I got involved with her blessing, but that has worked out very well (for us...there's been a lot of jealousy and bad behavior on her part, but again, she's had ample opportunity to stop it, and we're playing by her rules).

My husband has been pissed off at the woman's behavior for a long time because he believes she purposely creates problems and speaks out of both sides of her mouth. He is good friends with her husband though. We take it on a case-by-case basis, but if my husband wanted a friendship or relationship with her or anyone else, he'd likely have my blessing and support.

 

[SweetErika]

Erika, I think you did a nice job of asserting yourself in that you expressed your feelings to her without being rude.

However, in my opinion I think more will need to be done for the situation to change. I'm going to be brutally honest, I see a lot in this statement you make:


Jealousy/support of the relationship seem very contradictive to me. In my opinion, I think you have to realize that what she says and what she thinks regarding your relationship are two completely different things. I also feel that once you realize THEY have a problem but you and your husband continue the relationship with her husband, then you also become part of their problem.

If you want things to change, then I think all 4 of you need to find out why she agrees to/supports the situation but in actuality is jealous of it.

Good luck, I hope things work out for all 4 of you.

You're absolutely right, Scaly. I do realize her actions are contradicting her words. The history is far too complex for me to get into here, but the crux of it is that she insists her negative feelings are irrational and wants to work through them. She recognizes the jealousy is coming from her low self-esteem and desire to control, and there would be a problem even if her husband and I were platonic. I've answered all of her questions, reassured, and supported her in trying to resolve issues. I've offered to end the relationship many times, but she insists I shouldn't with good reason. So, I do understand the issues quite well, and my husband and I have bent over backwards to follow what she wants.

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

heh...i misread erika's response: i thought she was saying that the woman was close friends w/ her husband, not the woman's husband.

now that i'm reading it correctly, kindly ignore my last comment: you're right, kahuna.

Huh. The lack of reading comprehension skills must be contagious.

 

[TBKahuna123]

That's really sad. I can imagine her not wanting him to hang out with a group of women, but where's the threat in men?

It's not that, it that she'll never let him go out with us because she doesn't want to have to deal with the kids herself, at least that's her excuse. The fact is she uses this excuse unless she's involved and it's a couples thing. That's why we rarely see him, because it's her along or nothing.

Given that choice, sadly...

It's complicated...I was dating the woman, but that didn't work for any number of reasons (many listed above, including manipulation, control, and creating problems), and we agreed to be friends because I thought it'd change her perspective and behavior. During that time, her husband and I got involved with her blessing, but that has worked out very well (for us...there's been a lot of jealousy and bad behavior on her part, but again, she's had ample opportunity to stop it, and we're playing by her rules).

My husband has been pissed off at the woman's behavior for a long time because he believes she purposely creates problems and speaks out of both sides of her mouth. He is good friends with her husband though. We take it on a case-by-case basis, but if my husband wanted a friendship or relationship with her or anyone else, he'd likely have my blessing and support.

OK see, this is where I have trouble understanding the dynamic because I've never been in this kind of open relationship. It sure sounds to me like jealousy, and she's right, it probably wouldn't matter if you and her husband were just platonic friends. Look at it this way: You dated her, then rejected her because of her attitude. I would bet that her husband probably rejects her to some extent, also because of her attitude. Now her husband and you are involved. Even though she sets the ground rules, even within those controlling rules, you too are still involved. Basically in all of this, you've come out on top over her.

Now I know that isn't what you've tried to do, but I think that's how she's probably reading it. Everyone loves you and noone loves her. Irrational yes, but it wouldn't be the first time I've seen this. Hell I see that in our little group all the time and no one is sleeping with each other. It's called Alpha female syndrome.

 

[Guest]

 

[SweetErika]

OK see, this is where I have trouble understanding the dynamic because I've never been in this kind of open relationship. It sure sounds to me like jealousy, and she's right, it probably wouldn't matter if you and her husband were just platonic friends. Look at it this way: You dated her, then rejected her because of her attitude. I would bet that her husband probably rejects her to some extent, also because of her attitude. Now her husband and you are involved. Even though she sets the ground rules, even within those controlling rules, you too are still involved. Basically in all of this, you've come out on top over her.

Now I know that isn't what you've tried to do, but I think that's how she's probably reading it. Everyone loves you and noone loves her. Irrational yes, but it wouldn't be the first time I've seen this. Hell I see that in our little group all the time and no one is sleeping with each other. It's called Alpha female syndrome.

That's a pretty good summary, though I have trouble feeling sorry for her since most of it's self-created and could be avoided or solved by a few simple things. My husband and I were thinking about it the other day, and realized this isn't an issue with us...she doesn't really have her own friends (they're all her husband's). Her husband has mentioned driving people away through control, manipulation, thoughtlessness, and refusal to recognize and change seems to be a pattern in her life, which just makes her jealousy over his friendships worse.

Much of my disdain and frustration has come from that unwillingness to solve problems...no matter how many viable solutions are on the table, she seems to always find something to be offended/upset about, multiple reasons for why they won't work, or she doesn't want to do them (being unhappy but making excuses for why she can't take action is also a pattern throughout her life). I like to be around people who are constantly changing and improving in an effort to be more happy, and have a hell of a time understanding and having relationships with those who don't.

At any rate, they're starting counseling soon, and hopefully she'll be able to work out some of the issues that are making her so unhappy. When it comes down to it, it's not the other relationships that are sparking problems, it's what's missing inside of her. Despite all of the crap she's pulled, I don't like to see anyone that miserable, and truly hope she finds happiness in the future.