Bad Sex

[Tzara]

Thank heavens real life isn't like porno, with men bouncing their testes on one's face and expecting that to cause female orgasm.

Could that be what I'm doing wrong? I did wonder about it. Never seemed to get that Peter North effect that seems to work so well on film (er, DVR).

It seems so straightforward in the movies.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Could that be what I'm doing wrong? I did wonder about it. Never seemed to get that Peter North effect that seems to work so well on film (er, DVR).

It seems so straightforward in the movies.

hey hey. let's not generalize. That actually amuses some of us long enough to keep us there for the actual seduction. Much like the bowerbird's performances are primarily just to get her to hold still...

Somehow, I don't think Peter North's success had much to do with his balls, bouncing or not.

To keep this about poetry, I'll just say that I'm working on an entire suite about bad sex but I'll be submitting it under an alt. Gods forbid anyone should think my sex life is anything but perfect...

bj

 

[bogusbrig]

Actually, I think one can go pretty wrong with the mechanics. Pornography and lack of content about the clitoris in sex ed have conspired to steer many of us off base in terms of what actually creates an orgasm in women. I think most images of sex show a woman orgasming from everything BUT clitoral stimulation.

I guess. After all, it is easier to find a pub than a clitoris

If the same images were made of men, men would be orgasming all the time with noone ever touching their penises. According to one of the largest studies on female sexuality, 70% of all women only ever orgasm during direct clitoral stimulation and only 30% of women ever (even if only once) orgasm during coitus as we classically define it. If we look to society's typical representations of sex, this means that yes, we have often gone far wrong with the mechanics.

Thank heavens real life isn't like porno, with men bouncing their testes on one's face and expecting that to cause female orgasm.

Isn't this where I came in and started the thread?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I guess. After all, it is easier to find a pub than a clitoris

Bwah!
LOL!

I'm so putting that on a t-shirt. With your permission, of course.



bj

 

[Tzara]

Sex is sometimes like a doughnut, Scylla

It's always more abyss than bliss—
chewy, doughy, round,
and empty at the center. That's why I fear
the smack of your rock-hard thighs
as I sail intrepidly between them
hoping somehow to find Penelope
waiting at the inlet's end. Instead,
there's the fast whirlpool of love
that twists my ship and drags me down
through depths of fat and sugar and dread
into sweet, hypercaloric slumber.

Yet sail I on. I must. It is the point
of species to seek one's home and dock
safe someplace where pleasure
turns blink into true happiness. The gods,
you know, are more whimsical than evil
and this our odd, insistent fumbling
at each other's limbs and clothes
will only just become a poem.

O great Athena, now let me come.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Is that the chap who can carry 12 doughnuts on his dong?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

ring ones I hasten to add

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Is that the chap who can carry 12 doughnuts on his dong?

Well, that's what I heard . . .

bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

see you getting your ellipses right lol

 

[unpredictablebijou]

see you getting your ellipses right lol

If only sex were as easy as punctuation.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You would comma lot quicker ....... sorry sorry >>>>>> going

 

[unpredictablebijou]

You would comma lot quicker ....... sorry sorry >>>>>> going

lol! ouch! best punchline of the day!

GEt thee to the bistro, young lady, and let these people get back to talking about poetry.

bj

 

[hmmnmm]

a bad sex epic?
someone should do that.
a bad sex epic, full of ellipses. purple ellipses.
and purple words. Make the Welch's princes and princess cry.
You know, because they... their... they're.... you know. they're sluts!
Yeah, they're sluts.

 

[champagne1982]

The Ultimate In Bad Sex

This just proves that no man should mix business with pleasure.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

The Ultimate In Bad Sex

This just proves that no man should mix business with pleasure.

woot!
We play this for our unsuspecting customers at the shop. It's a huge favorite around here.

I quote it a lot too.

I know what you're sayin', baby. You're sayin' 'Yeah, that's it..."

bj

 

[Tzara]

The Ultimate In Bad Sex

This just proves that no man should mix business with pleasure.

The Law Offices of S. Lee Zeeman
1400 W East South Street N
Suite 16
Seattle, WA 98666

Dear Ms. Champagne1982:

This certified letter is to notify you that the legal services of S. Lee Zeeman, PLLC have been retained by Literotica PF&D denizen "Tzara" in a matter pursuant to your posting of material causing injury to said client, Monsieur Tristan Tzara. Said M. Tzara alleges that your careless and provocative posting of a link to this video caused serious damage to plaintiff's health. Plaintiff's otorhinolaryngologist has confirmed that the "Coke-through-the nose" effect that this video produced in him has seriously damaged plaintiff's sinuses and delicate nasal membranes due to a forceful and undesired high-pressure extrusion of a weak carbonic acid solution, flavored with various and likely dangerous chemicals. Secondary claims involve damage to plaintiff's computer keyboard, desktop, and video display.

Plaintiff also has filed claims that "his dignity" has suffered significant emotional damage.

Should you or your legal representative wish to negotiate terms of a mutually satisfactory resolution to this suit, please contact me during normal office hours.

Affectionately yours,

(signed)

S. Lee Zeeman

 

[champagne1982]

The Law Offices of S. Lee Zeeman
<snip>
Should you or your legal representative wish to negotiate terms of a mutually satisfactory resolution to this suit, please contact me during normal office hours.

Affectionately yours,

(signed)

S. Lee Zeeman

Dear Mr. Zeeman,

I have engaged the legal assistance of Mr. I. Diddenduwhit of the firm Wham, Bang and Ahh, Solicitors and Notary Publics. Senior partner James Wham has assured me that this matter shouldn't take more than two minutes to settle, since it seems I'm about to be screwed.

With much consternation,

(signed)

C. Champagne1982.



eta: Standard disclaimer that the poster of this link refuses to be responsible unless constructive feedback is given.

 

[Tzara]

Dear Mr. Zeeman,

I have engaged the legal assistance of Mr. I. Diddenduwhit of the firm Wham, Bang and Ahh, Solicitors and Notary Publics. Senior partner James Wham has assured me that this matter shouldn't take more than two minutes to settle, since it seems I'm about to be screwed.

With much consternation,

(signed)

C. Champagne1982.



eta: Standard disclaimer that the poster of this link refuses to be responsible unless constructive feedback is given.

Dear Ms. C82:

Plaintiff has indicated grounds for further suit given the two minute settlement terms you and your attorneys have taunted him with. M. Tzara asserts that he always lasts at least 300 or more seconds before settling and that anything less than that is either a lie or a comment from his ex-wife, who is obviously and unfortunately prejudiced against him.

Plaintiff admits to curiosity about your solicitors. He has previously had business dealings with the firm of Wham, Bam, and T. Y. Maam, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Would principal partner Wham of your firm be related to Mr. Q. T. Wham of the Ottawa firm?

Plaintiff's allegations remain in force, despite this "friendly" exchange of pleasantries. We await a financial offering for settlement, preferably in Canadian dollars or Euros.

Kisses,

(signed)

S. Lee Zeeman

 

[Unbridled_Passion]

okay, this is too funny!

 

[Unbridled_Passion]

You know, I was in a marriage that really sucked in sex...


Oh God, not again, sex time
well hurry up, cuz I am not interested
ravish my body, because you can
but hurry up, because I am ready to
go to sleep; between taking care of kids
and working 100 hours a week
who cares about sex...
oh, apparently you do
well, give up and get some rest
because I don't care any more

 

[champagne1982]

Dear Mr Zeeman,

I would like to know how your alleged client could know if I were his ex-wife or not? It is not in my nature to reveal my sources, but if two minutes in heaven is better than one, I venture to inquire if the plaintiff has ever spent five minutes in hell?

Mr. Jimmy Wham is of the Montreal branch of the Wham family. Until Mr. Wham was called to the bar, his family was primarily in the construction business, concrete to be exact. They had strong ties to the construction of the Olympic Stadium. Fortunately, Jimmy found his calling in Law and was uninvolved in the family corporation when it collapsed.

I await a detailed estimate of repair costs and receipts for the medical treatment that Mr. Tee-zed implies were directly attributable to my actions. Mr. Wham has instructions to wait for said documentation before applying an offer in good faith to your client.

Affectionately,

(sigh-ned)

C82

 

[templeminded]

You know, I was in a marriage that really sucked in sex...


Oh God, not again, sex time
well hurry up, cuz I am not interested
ravish my body, because you can
but hurry up, because I am ready to
go to sleep; between taking care of kids
and working 100 hours a week
who cares about sex...
oh, apparently you do
well, give up and get some rest
because I don't care any more

sex and honesty and is what makes
a love grow stronger everyday

 

[bogusbrig]

In the immortal words of Louden Wainwright III

'She said I came to early
But it was her that came too late!'

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I guess. After all, it is easier to find a pub than a clitoris

Not for me. Advice: Go north, young man!

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

In the immortal words of Louden Wainwright III

'She said I came to early
But it was her that came too late!'

Is this when he puts her in the dutch oven?