BDSM D/s and handicaps

[Shadowsdream]

I have a switch friend with a severe limitation to the use of her arms. Her own adjustment as a Top was to befriend the clamp and the hemostat and she used both positively mercilessly, creating predicaments and scenes with only those tools.

~~grin~~ just goes to show You evilness has few limitations. My friend has found the use of the electric fly swatter to be a great no enery tool when there is limited use of arms and hands. She enjoys it so much she burnt hers out and I had to deliver My extra one to her last night! Her sub was squirming in delight when he saw Me hold it up at the munch.

 

[RJMasters]

SD,

One thing which has often bothered me is this false notion of pride when it comes to a ply using their safeword.

I often ask many subs if they have ever used a safeword, and 99.9 percent of the time I get a response that they never have...and they seem to say it with a certain sense of pride or smugness. Somehow, I think there is something wrong there or very out of balanced.

There are times I know when I hold back and do not give my all, as I am "not confident" a submissive will use their safeword when they know they should.

Sometimes it isn't a false sense of pride "in the moment" as much as not wanting to dis-appoint, but that doessn't change the situation.

Though maybe not all the time, I think its good that a person is pushed right up to the edge at times...and has to face their own limits. It can be healthy, it establishes an intamate point of reference in the mind and it is grounding.

Not sure if I am making myself clear...I guess I would love to hear you speak on..."Why safewords are given and meant to be used". I think such a discussion would go a long way to dispell false notions of pride and also remove the wrong thinking, that using a safeword is somehow disappointed to a PLY.

If done correctly, scenes designed for the sole purpose of getting the ply to use a safeword might not be a bad suggestion. I would consider this though on the edge, as the real possibilty exist of breaking a person, which I am not in favor for.

----------
Inspite of wanting ply's to know the importance of using a safeword, this does not in anyway absolve the PLY's responsibility to know when to stay their hand safeword or no.

 

[Netzach]

I often re-assure my bottoms by telling them that safewords are meant to get my attention, whether the bum knee is acting up or the drapes are on fire behind me. That neutralizes it for a lot of people.

 

[Shadowsdream]

SD,

One thing which has often bothered me is this false notion of pride when it comes to a ply using their safeword.

I often ask many subs if they have ever used a safeword, and 99.9 percent of the time I get a response that they never have...and they seem to say it with a certain sense of pride or smugness. Somehow, I think there is something wrong there or very out of balanced.

There are times I know when I hold back and do not give my all, as I am "not confident" a submissive will use their safeword when they know they should.

Sometimes it isn't a false sense of pride "in the moment" as much as not wanting to dis-appoint, but that doessn't change the situation.

Though maybe not all the time, I think its good that a person is pushed right up to the edge at times...and has to face their own limits. It can be healthy, it establishes an intamate point of reference in the mind and it is grounding.

Not sure if I am making myself clear...I guess I would love to hear you speak on..."Why safewords are given and meant to be used". I think such a discussion would go a long way to dispell false notions of pride and also remove the wrong thinking, that using a safeword is somehow disappointed to a PLY.

If done correctly, scenes designed for the sole purpose of getting the ply to use a safeword might not be a bad suggestion. I would consider this though on the edge, as the real possibilty exist of breaking a person, which I am not in favor for.

----------
Inspite of wanting ply's to know the importance of using a safeword, this does not in anyway absolve the PLY's responsibility to know when to stay their hand safeword or no.

Very good point RJ and one that transcends handicapped and applies to all. I have a standard method of conveying the use of safe words with those I play with.

"There is no shame in using a safeword but there should be shame in not using one when needed" I am dishonored when a submissive does not have the courage or respect for Me that says they are confident I will understand the need in the moment.

 

[Desdemona]

safewords

I find that I feel much better if I notify the dominant that I'm approaching my limits by the use of the word "yellow". That way, adjustments can be made and the scene doesn't have to stop. Personally, I hate to stop a scene. The sudden end before either of us is ready is difficult for me to handle.


Now, in terms of disabilities, the thing I think of is one who is profoundly hearing impaired. Certainly touch messages can be devised as previously discussed. However, if you rely on lip reading, the dominant must be sure that the lighting is right. The dominant's face must not be in shadow and the submissive should not have the light shining at a blinding angle. You could also come up with visual cues or signs to use for specific commands.
Just a couple of thoughts based on having a profoundly hearing impaired sister and learning to help others communicate with her.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: safewords

I find that I feel much better if I notify the dominant that I'm approaching my limits by the use of the word "yellow". That way, adjustments can be made and the scene doesn't have to stop. Personally, I hate to stop a scene. The sudden end before either of us is ready is difficult for me to handle.


Now, in terms of disabilities, the thing I think of is one who is profoundly hearing impaired. Certainly touch messages can be devised as previously discussed. However, if you rely on lip reading, the dominant must be sure that the lighting is right. The dominant's face must not be in shadow and the submissive should not have the light shining at a blinding angle. You could also come up with visual cues or signs to use for specific commands.
Just a couple of thoughts based on having a profoundly hearing impaired sister and learning to help others communicate with her.

Hello Des so nice to see you again

I am so pleased that you have included the hearing impaired. I was just approached by a Master at Our munch last night who had been approached by a submissive female looking for other deaf subs to speak with about BDSM. He and I did begin to discuss hearing impairments and its implications.

Any and all info on this subject will be very valuable for her and others. Thank you for raising not only the thought but also many solutions.

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: safewords

Hello Des so nice to see you again

I am so pleased that you have included the hearing impaired. I was just approached by a Master at Our munch last night who had been approached by a submissive female looking for other deaf subs to speak with about BDSM. He and I did begin to discuss hearing impairments and its implications.

Any and all info on this subject will be very valuable for her and others. Thank you for raising not only the thought but also many solutions.

Thank you Ma'am. One other thought.... the hearing impaired are generally very dependant on vision. If you plan to take that sense away with a dark room or blindfolds, that would seem to require a high level of trust and special plans for communication. Of course, if the sub likes fear/helplessness, taking away sight could be one way to begin building that into a scene.

Many of the hearling impaired folks I know use sign language as the primary form of communication. Therefore, they are very conscious of their hands. Mittens could be a form of bondage or a type of gag for them.

 

[RJMasters]

Re: Re: Re: safewords

Thank you Ma'am. One other thought.... the hearing impaired are generally very dependant on vision. If you plan to take that sense away with a dark room or blindfolds, that would seem to require a high level of trust and special plans for communication. Of course, if the sub likes fear/helplessness, taking away sight could be one way to begin building that into a scene.

Many of the hearling impaired folks I know use sign language as the primary form of communication. Therefore, they are very conscious of their hands. Mittens could be a form of bondage or a type of gag for them.

Amazingly insightful! wow

 

[Desdemona]

Thanks. It helps that my older sister is hearing impaired and I've been around that community all my life.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: safewords

Thank you Ma'am. One other thought.... the hearing impaired are generally very dependant on vision. If you plan to take that sense away with a dark room or blindfolds, that would seem to require a high level of trust and special plans for communication. Of course, if the sub likes fear/helplessness, taking away sight could be one way to begin building that into a scene.

Many of the hearling impaired folks I know use sign language as the primary form of communication. Therefore, they are very conscious of their hands. Mittens could be a form of bondage or a type of gag for them.

~~grin~~ I like the way you think.

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: Re: Re: safewords

~~grin~~ I like the way you think.

I'm scaring myself. LOL

 

[graceanne]

Re: Re: Re: safewords

Thank you Ma'am. One other thought.... the hearing impaired are generally very dependant on vision. If you plan to take that sense away with a dark room or blindfolds, that would seem to require a high level of trust and special plans for communication. Of course, if the sub likes fear/helplessness, taking away sight could be one way to begin building that into a scene.

Many of the hearling impaired folks I know use sign language as the primary form of communication. Therefore, they are very conscious of their hands. Mittens could be a form of bondage or a type of gag for them.

I read somewhere (I think it was the 'Things that a sub shouldn't say to their dom/me), that you shouldn't keep signing when your dom tells you to be quiet. I haven't done it yet, but someday, when I'm in a mood to be silly, I plan on it. Of course he doesn't know ASL, but . . .

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Re: safewords

I read somewhere (I think it was the 'Things that a sub shouldn't say to their dom/me), that you shouldn't keep signing when your dom tells you to be quiet. I haven't done it yet, but someday, when I'm in a mood to be silly, I plan on it. Of course he doesn't know ASL, but . . .

Ha Ha Ha...and more laughs...I did not expect to see this bit of silliness here.

~~grin~~ thank you for the light moment!

 

[graceanne]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: safewords

Ha Ha Ha...and more laughs...I did not expect to see this bit of silliness here.

~~grin~~ thank you for the light moment!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Absolutely outstanding thread, SD. Kudos for the time and thought you put into this and many other topics!

A few years back, I met a PYL whose pyl was profoundly deaf and mute, but adored being bound for spanking, flogging, caning, etc. His answer to part of this issue was to build for her a special spanking/caning table with pairs of lights (yellow and red) on each corner (where they would not be in the way of any play they did). On the legs to which he bound her hands - easily reachable - were two internally-lit buttons about an inch in diameter: one yellow, one red. They had a clear understanding before they ever used it that if she needed to stop a session for any reason, she would push one of the red buttons, which would activate the flashing red lights on the corners of the table; if she felt she was getting close to her limits, she would push one of the yellow buttons.

I asked him why two sets of buttons? Wouldn't one set do the job? His answer stopped me in my tracks with his foresight: "I don't know which way her head will be turned in a given session. I don't want her to have to look for the button she needs - I want it to be right in front of her, no matter which way she's turned!"

 

[Desdemona]

Absolutely outstanding thread, SD. Kudos for the time and thought you put into this and many other topics!

A few years back, I met a PYL whose pyl was profoundly deaf and mute, but adored being bound for spanking, flogging, caning, etc. His answer to part of this issue was to build for her a special spanking/caning table with pairs of lights (yellow and red) on each corner (where they would not be in the way of any play they did). On the legs to which he bound her hands - easily reachable - were two internally-lit buttons about an inch in diameter: one yellow, one red. They had a clear understanding before they ever used it that if she needed to stop a session for any reason, she would push one of the red buttons, which would activate the flashing red lights on the corners of the table; if she felt she was getting close to her limits, she would push one of the yellow buttons.

I asked him why two sets of buttons? Wouldn't one set do the job? His answer stopped me in my tracks with his foresight: "I don't know which way her head will be turned in a given session. I don't want her to have to look for the button she needs - I want it to be right in front of her, no matter which way she's turned!"

Now that is cool!!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Now that is cool!!

and creatively shows how passion and creativity go hand in hand. Wonderful post to piggyback the kudos.

 

[RJMasters]

Where there is a will there is a way

I am reminded as I read Winston's post...

That where there is a will. there is a way.

When we talk of Dom/mes and Submissives, we speak of people who have strong wills and a will-ingness to do and to be.

To barrow a saying from my Marine Corps days...

Whan given a command....a Marine will never accept defeat or admit he can't do something...he will Improvise, he will Adapt, and he will Overcome...and there is nothing vague about that.

Handicap people all their lives have learned to improvise, adapt and overcome. Since the best advice one can give another about BDSM is to be them-self. This dovetails perfectly into something each and everyone of them can relate to.

 

[Bandit58]

Hello Bandit and thank you for joining this conversation and allowing it to go in another direction.

It is both the disabled submissive and Dominant issues that I will be covering as both sides of the whip are equaly susceptable to real life.

you give many good examples of how He still Dominates you and how His Domination feels to you. I am very interested in discussing the emotional and psychological sides of dealing with afflictions that limit and cause insecurities and guilt. In fact it is these very issues that began My quest to help both sides understand how to move forward and cope.

We have been living together for almost 10 months now. I do a lot of His care like setting up His dialysis machine, giving Him His medications, driving Him to appointments and clinics etc as well as the usual household stuff. I see it as part of being His submissive.....I do these things to make His life easier.

Sure there is frustration sometimes for us both.....He wants to be able to do more, to play more.....I would like that too, to explore my submissiveness in a sexual way. I don't like waking Him to eat, but it is necessary.....He sometimes gets tired and a bit grumpy with me when I have to wake him. I also feel at times like I should not be telling Him what to do but again, it is necessary for His health. He has told me that outside of playing we are equals, but it's still a bit difficult as I have a naturally submissive nature, which did get me into an emotionally abusive marriage and kept me there for many years too long. I have had to "unlearn" that behaviour, and I am getting there

 

[Etoile]

I've got a fair bit of input from the perspective of deaf D/s. (By the way, the term "hearing impaired" is considered offensive by the Deaf community, so you will never see me use it.) We have a deaf sub on this board, serijules, but I haven't seen her around recently. Des makes some excellent comments. I would add that blindfolding is not generally appropriate with a deaf sub. Instead of being something sexy, it enters into sensory deprivation, which is much more edge play than it is for hearing people. A safeword for a deaf sub who does not speak would need to be some other form of communication; any specific manual signal works but a vocal code could also be devised. (It's extremely rare for a deaf person to be genuinely 100% mute, by the way. They may not speak out loud, but they certainly can make noise.) As for deaf tops, I have only met those who work with deaf bottoms. From both sides, as Des said, proper lighting is essential. Kinky clubs are generally not suitable for this, and as few deaf individuals are fluent in tactile sign (as used with deaf-blind people) that is not an option.

My own disabilities include arthritis, ADHD, and chronic urticaria. Special allocations that have been made for me include being allowed to stretch my joints when I need to (being in one position for a long time is quite painful), and being allowed to scratch my hives when I need to (this is a permanent immune condition). I'm not sure that I've had any special allowances made for my ADHD...I'll have to think about that one.

Resources:
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ryndisability.htm
http://www.steel-door.com/Handicapped.html
http://www.internationaldeafleather.org/
http://www.livejournal.com/community/cripswithwhips

 

[Arden]

hoping that Catalina will not mind her post being copied to this thread

I have to wonder in situations where height and size are so important to the submissive in identifying with dominance in a partner, what future such a relationship could have if the Dominant were in an accident or became ill and were to spend the rest of their life in a wheelchair, or similarly incapacitated, and what that says about their view of dominance and their own submission. F and I are so close in height it is often debated who is taller, and he is 9 years younger...what matters for us is who he is as a person, who he is on the inside, not physical factors he has no control over.

Catalina

This one's Master is not as tall as His slave, yet this has never been an issue for the two of them. His strength, and His spirit have always stood far above her. If the level of everyday eye contact were to change, it would not alter their relationship as Master and slave.

A wheelchair bound Dominant would not necessarily be unable to wield a flogger or spank a submissive across their lap. They would, however adapt and adopt new strategies to ensure that the Master's needs were met~ no matter how severe the disability. For her, kneeling by a wheelchair would be no different than kneeling at their bed or before her Master's chair. She cherishes each and every opportunity that she has to kneel before Him. For her it's a place where peace, focus and love abound.

If her Master were to suffer a permanent disability, His needs would not change because the hunger to dominate is part of His essence, His very soul. Nor would her need to serve Him, or her love for Him change. She would not allow Him to wallow in self-pity either... instead, she would challenge Him to find new ways of dominating her that fulfilled His desires. Physical dominance is not all there is. In this one's opinion, the need to dominate comes from the heart, mind and soul of a Master. One's voice, that evil gleam within their eyes and a swift hand are simply extensions of that which burns inside of them.

The same would be true if their sexual relationship were to change due to a disability. Having the ability to fuck each others brains out is a beautiful thing, and is without a doubt one of the true joys of life. But if the ability to share that single facet of their lives were removed by disability or illness, it would not affect her desire for Him or her need to serve Him. This one's Master has a very wicked and highly creative mind, so she has no doubt that He would find a thousand new ways in which they could share their sexuality.

We are all going to encounter physical disabilities at some point in our lives. The changes brought about by disability might disappoint some, but this one would never run from it. She would embrace this change and personal growth that it would bring. Instead of affecting the relationship in an adverse manner, she believes that the bond between Master and slave would be strengthened by it.

 

[Etoile]

Arden, I'm a bit confused - is your entire post written in third person, and actually about you, or is only the first paragraph about you and the rest is generally speaking? That's why it's hard when someone writes in third person...this issue comes up a lot.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Bump

 

[Art H.]

graceanne I truly thank you for speaking so much from your personal perspective. For through your comments I validate many of My teaching concerns. One of the biggest lessons I have passed on is the removal of guilt to the submissive who wants to be able to perform even the simplest kneel but unable to do so. Guilt is not productive but without its specific removal it simply breeds and becomes a monster. Of course the Dominant that cannot perform in all of the "standard" ways also deals with guilt.

One of my biggest issues with my desire to Dom (my thread in the main BDSM forum notwithstanding) is that my cerebral palsy affects me physically but not mentally. The fact that I'll never be able to properly wield a crop or whip, never be able to tie my sub up even with a simple blindfold due to muscle issues and spasms causes quite a bit of guilt for me. It really makes me doubt my abilities some days...

 

[Etoile]

One of my biggest issues with my desire to Dom (my thread in the main BDSM forum notwithstanding) is that my cerebral palsy affects me physically but not mentally. The fact that I'll never be able to properly wield a crop or whip, never be able to tie my sub up even with a simple blindfold due to muscle issues and spasms causes quite a bit of guilt for me. It really makes me doubt my abilities some days...

I can see how it would make you feel that way, but it doesn't have to. I would say that BDSM is 80% mental and 20% physical. You are fully capable of mental torture, and there are so many things you can do without doing anything more than speaking. In fact I am not tied up or whipped often at all, and yet I am submissive and my top is dominant. We still have the dynamic even if I'm not getting beaten. It's a mind game even more than a physical game.