BDSM Discussion: Body Image

[littlebirdjoy]

Okay, please don't take this as sarcastic, this is a genuine question...

Are you telling me that if I want this relationship, want this to work, I'm not allowed my own opinions, if they differ from his. Am I allowed them, but not allowed to speak them? When he has expressed a point of view or opinion, am I to then make that and only that, my opinion also. Forming and having my own opinions only on matters where he hasn't yet told his and then change mine accordingly if it differs.

If he says I am perfect, am I not allowed to try to improve or better myself because I'm already perfect. He loves me and thinks I'm perfect, flaws and all. If I know this, believe this, doesn't that mean that while I don't need to change for him, he won't love me any less if I were to change something as trivial as losing some tummy? My husband used to tell me I was adorable, hot and sexy, that he loved my body and got turned on just thinking about me. I know he felt and saw me that way and I know I looked good, was sexy. I also wanted to lose a little of the wheelchair pudge i still had. I lost about six pounds and felt sexier and more importantly, pleased and proud of myself for accomplishing it. (even though that may sound, to some,like a ridiculous thing to be proud of) My husband didn't love me any less due to my body change. There was something about myself that I wanted to change, that change would require things that were good for me; a little more exercise and a better diet, also less fast food (which was good for our budget). Instead of saying "I love you, you're perfect I don't understand why you can't see that"; he said "I love you, I love your body and I don't think you need to change a thing. But if this is something you want, something that would make you happy to do, then go for it." He never pushed either way yet with each pound, each inch I happily announced I'd lost, he would see my smile and congratulate me, and my smile would get bigger.

Maybe I just make a better wife than I do a sub. Maybe I compare, too much, between the two. I believe my "D" loves me, loves who I am, body and mind. If i were to change my thinking, so that it only mirrored his, would that not change, on a fundamental level, who I am? Change who he loves?

Ok, I have had moments where I react just like you did. So #1 could you please go back and reread ALL of my post to you, from the beginning. See very clearly that I repeatedly affirmed your innate human right to your own opinions and thoughts?

Thank you.

Now. Here where I said "fish or cut bait, I mean on your own submission. You can chose to be antonymous in this or any aspect of your life! That is up to you. If, however, this is a right you have given to Him to determine whether your body is pleasing or not, then it isnt something you put down and pick up again at will. No one ever said a submissive doesnt have her own opinions. I've said repeatedly that submission lies not in the things we WANT to do, but in the things we'd rather say "no thanks" and do it our own way. I'm not being submissive to my Master when he asks me to drop to my knees and be ready for him when he comes home. I'm being his good little slut, absolutely, but that is not submission. I WANT that. I NEED that. I AM being submissive to my Master when he tells me that I'm going to go ahead and buy the tickets for the summer and he may or may not be able to come. I TRUST that whatever decision he makes will be the right decision for us for the long term, because I know he is not a selfish man. It SUCKS because I want to yell and cry and say "but I need to see you!" but that right there isnt submission. Submission is in accepting the things we would rather not because we KNOW they have a reason (even if it is just their own pleasure) and we TRUST that they will not break us.

This accepting his truth is part of submission if you so chose to allow it. Do you believe he is asking you to see yourself through his eyes is a detriment to you? Do you believe it cruel? Unfeeling? Unkind? Without a point? Do you seel it selfish? or lazy?
You know your relationship, but when I has the pleasure of knowing your D I knew that he never did anything without a point. Never. There was not a lazy or selfish bone in his body. When he would push me on an issue like this it was to teach me a lesson **for my own good** ... and I believe that he sincerely believes this will help your heart, mind, and soul.

No one said you arent allowed to improve yourself! Me going on the keto diet and losing so far 29 lbs is a direct result of his being on my ass for months about trying it. Yes, I suck, I waited a solid year to quit making excuses. His poking me had NOTHING to do with making myself more attractive to him (or to myself... or to my Master) ... no. It had to do with me being more HEALTHY.
He is not asking you to not improve yourself. He is asking you to quit second guessing his appraisal of yourself. I used to do it too, not over my physical self, but over myself as a submissive, myself as a person. I used to bitch and moan about being incapable of helping someone important. I used to think myself worthless. I used to think I'd constantly let him and others down. Even when he would tell me I'd done a good job, or I was a good girl i would reply "I try." or "sometimes." It frustrated him just the same, because what was I REALLY communicating? I was communicating that his appraisal of me mattered less than my own. I was taking back my own moral agency.

You have to decide and only you can decide and you have every RIGHT to decide if you CHOSE to accept his dominion over this, his appraisal of you and then to actually walk that out. All I can tell you is the effect it will have on you if you do.
Think about it... stop and think... what will the effect be on your heart and mind if you truly do stop covering your tummy and hiding when you eat. What will that say to YOU? Then... what will it say to HIM?
Is he worth that trust? Are you? I think you both are.

~with all of my love and support~
Angie


edit to add:
your Dominant and my Master are very different people. Your Dominant, i happen to know and so my ability to say "he loves you exactly how you are" is based upon that. I know he is not asking you to change and also not asking you to remain stagnant because I know him.

My own Master DOES have dominion over every aspect of me; my heart, mind, body, and self. He DOES specifically need me to address my own health issues. He DOES need me to lose some weight not to be more attractive, but because it is necessary for some of the lifestyle choices we would like to make. I give him the right to tell me this. So my own personal submission does happen to include that, and I'm not ashamed of it, nor do I feel bad for admitting it. My Master loves me and does find me attractive, but he mostly loves me for my mind and my soul... my body is a work in progress :/
That said, he also takes an active and intentional role in helping me set and reach my goals. It is a part of our relationship. Just because my own relationship does not take the current form of yours doesnt mean i understand it or have experienced it any less. One does not negate the other. If I were to look at my Master and tell him i would NOT actively work to fix my own health... #1 I would be sat down and given a sock (personal reference for a coming to God conversation) and #2 if I stuck to that I would no longer be his girl. Why? Because i would be putting myself and my thoughts above his needs (not wants... needs) in my life. He will not settle for less than complete dedication. This does not mean I feel he wants ME any less for ME, he just wants and needs the best me I can possibly be, both for himself and for my child.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Seeing this post from you further confuses me. If your "D" has told you that you're beautiful the way you are, and you have completely submitted and accepted his opinion as your own, why are you trying to lose weight?

I think accepting that he wants you the way you are and wanting to better yourself for yourself are two different thoughts.
He can love my body and still encourage me to do things that will better my body.
Not putting words in LBJs mouth but I'm pretty sure that's what she meant.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Also everyone struggles with their bodies in different ways. Not mention everyone does D/s is different ways. There is no one size fits all answer here, only support and community.

Period.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I think accepting that he wants you the way you are and wanting to better yourself for yourself are two different thoughts.
He can love my body and still encourage me to do things that will better my body.
Not putting words in LBJs mouth but I'm pretty sure that's what she meant.

This is one concept, absolutely.
That said... I was addressing Dardesstra's question, not my own relationship. In my own relationship, my Master loves and accepts me, but we acknowledge that there are some aspects of my own physical self that I MUST work on. It isnt optional. I never said that he 100% accepts me how I am. No. He accepts that I am where I am, and we will work to get where I need to be. He is my greatest cheerleader. He sets reasonable goals for and with me, and follows up on how we are working to reach them.

 

[AnnieLit]

Okay, please don't take this as sarcastic, this is a genuine question...
<....>

My 2 cents on this: there are different types of submission and everybody is free to chose what is right for them.
- Some people are willing and able to make submission their lifestyle, they delegate each and every big decision to their D-person. Good for them.
- Some people are submissive "only in the bedroom" (where "bedroom" might happen to be a beach, a car, or a party at a club). All other times they are at least equal partners or it could be that their roles outside of sex are actually reversed. Example of this would be a housewife that does not have much say in big spending items (cars, houses, etc.), but becomes a Domme in the bedroom.
- each and every variation in between the first two. Say, in the bedroom plus he gets to choose every morning her underwear for the day, but everything else she does on her own.

Neither one of those is better than others, but you can't take opinions of a person being one type of a sub and apply it to your own life if your situation is completely different.

 

[AnnieLit]

Seeing this post from you further confuses me. If your "D" has told you that you're beautiful the way you are, and you have completely submitted and accepted his opinion as your own, why are you trying to lose weight?

One of the responsibilities of a "D" is to take care of their "s". If there is something that he loves, but it causes health problems for the sub, he better make sure that she changes whatever it is. Health first, kink second. Opinion of a doctor always wins.

 

[Dardesstra]

Okay... first and foremost,

Littlebird, thank you for the thought, time and detail you put in to each answering my questions and for taking them at face value. Believe it or not, I did read all of your answer(s) and remember the part about the right to your own thoughts and opinions which was why I felt so thrown by "cut bait" remark. What I hadn't been clear on was the "deciding which areas of your life the "D" has dominion over" and that one line clears a lot of questions for me. I also appreciate your statement submission lay not in the things we want to do, but in the things we don't, that is not something I'd heard before but wish I had as I believe it holds important insight. As time is one of the things we can never get back once spent, thanks again for all you put in to answer me.

Everyone else, please forgive me for not naming you individually for the bits of wisdom and encouragement gained from your answers. I greatly appreciate all of them. I'm finding it's hard to have lived one way for 30 years, to have that safety and security suddenly ripped away from you. It's rather like being a game piece subject to a bad dice roll and finding yourself put back at "start", only the game board has changed. Anyway, I have found love in this new part of my life and happiness again, both of which I want to keep. So thank you all for your answers. I hope ya'll will be as forthcoming with whatever questions I need help with in the future.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Okay... first and foremost,

Littlebird, thank you for the thought, time and detail you put in to each answering my questions and for taking them at face value. Believe it or not, I did read all of your answer(s) and remember the part about the right to your own thoughts and opinions which was why I felt so thrown by "cut bait" remark. What I hadn't been clear on was the "deciding which areas of your life the "D" has dominion over" and that one line clears a lot of questions for me. I also appreciate your statement submission lay not in the things we want to do, but in the things we don't, that is not something I'd heard before but wish I had as I believe it holds important insight. As time is one of the things we can never get back once spent, thanks again for all you put in to answer me.

Everyone else, please forgive me for not naming you individually for the bits of wisdom and encouragement gained from your answers. I greatly appreciate all of them. I'm finding it's hard to have lived one way for 30 years, to have that safety and security suddenly ripped away from you. It's rather like being a game piece subject to a bad dice roll and finding yourself put back at "start", only the game board has changed. Anyway, I have found love in this new part of my life and happiness again, both of which I want to keep. So thank you all for your answers. I hope ya'll will be as forthcoming with whatever questions I need help with in the future.

** giant hugs if you will accept them**

Honey, very few can imagine what you have been through with losing the man who was your world for so many years. You have so much strength and resilience. Truly. I know for 100% sure, were I you, I dunno how I'd still be moving forward. You have ALL my respect. I'm so glad that you found anything useful. No part of me wants to make your life harder or more stressful. You have had ENOUGH of that for a lifetime and then some. It is scary and hard to put your questions and insecurities out there, so thank you for allowing us to try and help where and if we can.

Fara has it absolutely right, we play the game by the rules we know and they are all " house rules" afterall. Annie lit had it right too, about one mentality having hide nor hair to do with the other.

What I do love is that you are HAPPY and your Daddy Wolf is HAPPY and you both will find a way to work around eachothers rough edges and keep on making eachother deliriously and supremely HAPPY. ** again, hugs, if you will accept them.**

 

[Justis]

Ok so my question may fall under multiple topics but I'm hoping to get some clarity on it here.

Hello Dardesstra,

Be true to yourself don’t compromise whom you are and what is true to you.

Everything else is negotiable, that’s why you have defined limits. It is perfectly understandable that you are not comfortable with certain parts of your body. Most people aren’t. In my opinion the purest submission comes when we serve not because it pleases us to do so or because it is easy for us. Indeed I think the purest form of submission comes when we find it hard, when it makes us uncomfortable. Why because we are truly doing so in service not out of our own pleasure but our pleasure to please our ’D’type.

If you are asked to do something that will honestly be emotionally or mentally damaging to you, respectfully explain this to your ‘D’ type, if they are worth their salt they will be proud of you for doing so.

If you are able to perhaps you may explain why what he asked was so difficult for you to do. I would advise you do this when asked, explaining why it is difficult and that it is not in disrespect to him but that it is your natural behaviour to cover what you are not happy with. Or if I misread your post words that are true to you. Perhaps you can ask to be lead gently into this, even if you start at 5 seconds of being naked and slowly work your way up. You are still showing your desire to submit to him. The key is to know when you are bulking because of a protective reaction and when you are bulking because it is not true to whom you are and when it would cause you mental and emotional damage.

It takes time to change ones perception of ones self but as long as you show him you are trying. As long as you communicate that his words hold meaning to you when he says them but it is more about changing your perception and that it will take time because of X Y and Z then I think you should be proud of yourself and he would be proud of you if he is as I said worth his salt. These are just my opinions and others may disagree but I hope either way they help.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

I am very self-conscious about my body. A combination of that and trust issues has hindered me from playing in public. I sometimes think if only I had found all this in my 20s when I was thin and looked (somewhat) like the people you see "advertised" as attending kink events.

My partner J really helped ease some of my body image issues. Before he got sick, he was insatiable and it was very apparent he was attracted to me. He gave me a lot of confidence I had lost. I even got naked in front of others at a small gathering this past summer - something I never would have done before. We don't attend kink events anymore or play or, well, anything due to his health. I imagine should I ever venture back out I will have my same body issues though.

 

[cookiecat]

Saw this touted as body positive - Chanel's first plus size model walks the runway.

This is the model:

 

[cookiecat]

I am very self-conscious about my body. A combination of that and trust issues has hindered me from playing in public. I sometimes think if only I had found all this in my 20s when I was thin and looked (somewhat) like the people you see "advertised" as attending kink events.

My partner J really helped ease some of my body image issues. Before he got sick, he was insatiable and it was very apparent he was attracted to me. He gave me a lot of confidence I had lost. I even got naked in front of others at a small gathering this past summer - something I never would have done before. We don't attend kink events anymore or play or, well, anything due to his health. I imagine should I ever venture back out I will have my same body issues though.

I saw your post in the PG about your partner. My husband got sick -- it turns your world upside down. Sending you lots of good thoughts, support, healing vibes - whatever makes it through the ether to you and yours.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Saw this touted as body positive - Chanel's first plus size model walks the runway.

This is the model:

Pppffftttt... wow. Well... let's just pretend she IS plus size. My takeaway from that " fashon" is if you have any curves, cover them up with something as flattering as a black bag so no one can tell you arent flat and straight as a board.

 

[KimGordon67]

Saw this touted as body positive - Chanel's first plus size model walks the runway.

This is the model:

So when they say 'plus size', I guess they mean '+ 0.5'?

Have you seen First in Fashion on Netflix - they used plus size women for the lingerie challenge ... it was kind of cool, although it would have been cooler if they'd just had a diverse range of models through the whole show, not just for the 'nearly naked' episode.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Saw this touted as body positive - Chanel's first plus size model walks the runway.

https://www.dazeddigital.com/fashio...the-model-behind-the-drop-the-plus-revolution

 

[bone251]

Saw this touted as body positive - Chanel's first plus size model walks the runway.

This is the model:

Too me, she is the thin side of my likes. I like real girls.
Is there a name for this girl?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Real girls come in all shapes and sizes.

Thumbs up. true, Indie!

 

[twister947]

I am not in favor of fetishizing unnaturally thin people, nor do I support normalizing obesity. Strong and healthy ftw.

The model looks okay to me.

 

[AnnieLit]

I am not in favor of fetishizing unnaturally thin people, nor do I support normalizing obesity. Strong and healthy ftw.

The model looks okay to me.

The model looks okay to everybody, it's the "plus size" wording attached to her, that is what looks very wrong.

 

[twister947]

The model looks okay to everybody, it's the "plus size" wording attached to her, that is what looks very wrong.

Ah. Sorry...I'm just a guy.

 

[Mei5ter]

So when they say 'plus size', I guess they mean '+ 0.5'?

Have you seen First in Fashion on Netflix - they used plus size women for the lingerie challenge ... it was kind of cool, although it would have been cooler if they'd just had a diverse range of models through the whole show, not just for the 'nearly naked' episode.

Exactly. She's plus size in the sense that her dress size isn't a minus number.

And the problem with this is that if this is plus size, and you're bigger, what does that make you?

Hardly body positivity, is it?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Does that makes me extra fucking grand?

I like this better than #droptheplus

#extrafuckinggrand

 

[Fermina_Daza]

I saw your post in the PG about your partner. My husband got sick -- it turns your world upside down. Sending you lots of good thoughts, support, healing vibes - whatever makes it through the ether to you and yours.

Thank you. He was down another two pounds this morning. I keep hoping he turns around.

 

[Catshadow]

So I am a larger women with body image issues.
That said I do still enjoy sex. Sir is good about blustering my self-esteem when I get down on myself. I find it hard sometimes to wear what Sir wants me to not just because I can't find it in my size but I know people are judging me. I'm getting better every day at not hearing the snide remarks in my head that I'm sure people are thinking. I try to only hear Sir. Why can't big girls be viewed as sexy?