BDSM != Disrespect: help explaining that to hubby

[FurryFury]

"Gee honey, I really find that I get turned on by being spanked and I would like it if you could bring yourself to be a little rougher with me in bed. I know it probably feels weird, but I really like those things, and I was hoping we could incorporate them more."

"Huh. I don't know. I love you very much - I'm not sure why you'd want that. I like treating you like I love you, not meanly. I'm kind of not comfortable with that, because I don't want to degrade you, and I think you'd feel degraded by being treated as anything other than wonderful."

"I can see where you're coming from. But really, it turns me on. And I KNOW you love me, it's so obvious from the way you (do insert cool things he does here.) But I've given this a lot of thought, and honestly I don't think that it reflects on how we feel about one another at all in the long run, it just really cranks my motor and I'm not even sure why. So, I figure instead of worrying about why, it would be really fun to take advantage of how much it makes me want to jump your hot body and play around with it. If you're OK with that. I know it's a lot for you to digest, but I am comfortable with this part of my sexuality, and I don't think it will effect my life negatively, and there's nothing I don't want to explore with YOU. I've thought about this a lot before even bringing it up with you, and I've honestly considered whether it's coming from a bad place for me, or not. And I honestly know, deep down, that it isn't, and that it's just what makes me excited."

No one has to lose face at all. I think this *can* be done in a way that preserves everyone's ego and cuts to the chase.

This is certainly a good start IMO.

 

[graceanne]

*grins* nope, not scared off, just letting the dust settle a bit. There's not much I can do about things right now. He's not only 9000 miles away until January but is currently on an exercise that severs regular communication until the end of the month. Sucks, but 'tis the military. I've got some links sitting in his email box for when he returns from the exercise and will be ordering him the recommended book for his birthday, but beyond that, I can only figure out what I want and how to reassure him it is what I want and that he won't be demeaning/degrading me if he gives me that.

I hear that. My husband's national guard - he spent six months (last year, I think) in basic, and goes to Afghanistan in 2009. Or so they say. Last year they said 2010, as you know the army reserves the right to change it's mind at any given time.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Well you do know that they say, one of the most insightful oxymorons is military intelligence.

as you know the army reserves the right to change it's mind at any given time.

 

[RJMasters]

"Gee honey, .

Gee Honey eh?

(hides a grin with my hand)

I don't see anything wrong with what you wrote there. I am sure for some guys that would work out fine, others might be uncomfortable with, dare I say it, a woman being so blunt and honest about her own sexual needs, but you know that, and I already know that would say those guys need to get over it, to which I would agree in large part on that aspect of this.

I know for me, if something like this was said, I would have not problem taking it at face value and away we would go. Of course that is because I am ready willing and able to go there. If I had internal conflicts about it in the way I thought about it, I would more than likely "accept" that this is true, accept it at face value that what she is saying is true for her because she sounds sincere enough I wouldn't have any reason not to believe it, but I still might be left with my own hangups regarding it and sort of dazed and confused as to what to do about it.

In someways i already get the impression that Mazuri and her husband are already past this point, don't you? I mean it seem like its already out of the bag. Sending him the link in his email sort of implies they have already discussed and he's not closed to it all. So as long as she continues at a low pressure pace, hoepfully he will eventually pick it up and run with it.

I think what would be most helpful is giving suggestions of how it might make it easier for him to pick it up and run with it. What things could she do that might help without being pushy. And in that light that kinda where I think I will focus the rest of my contribution.

 

[RJMasters]

One suggestion I might make is to consider talking and sharing fantasies together. This can be done in a lot of ways, written, spoken, what have you and what ever makes you both the most comfortable.

I think by doing this, you begin to expose him more to you expressing your sexual desire and wants. Many men are not use to their wives doing that so in part this will help him to warm up to the idea and get comfortable with it.

Some men's ego are alot like foreplay in sex, if you take the time to get it wet, everything slides and moves so much smoother.

Start slow and don't go for the buzzer straight off. Pick fantasies that you know both of you share to some degree. Then write your version of it and how you would like to see yourself be treated in it because it makes you hot.

What would be important is sharing how you would feel to simple forms of rough play. Like what it would make you feel like if while kissing you his hand slide up into your hair and grabbed a fistful of hair while he kisses you passionately, and just share the effect that would have on you....not too extreme but he gets the flavor of it and a taste of how a little force and control really makes you feel like you are his and loved. The hope is over time it will help him to include this into his own thinking of what it means to be loving towards you in that way.

This is something you could even do with him now since he is gone. I know when I was away, I always enjoyed getting a letter knowing she was thinking about me.

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I have a small idea. Fotki has a password protected picture site. As in you decide the password and then only people with the password can see your pictures. You could start possibly taking fun pictures of yourself for him, that involve bondage and other kinky things, and see what he thinks of it. Also write some stories and email them to him. Coincide the stories and pictures even better.

I'm already starting to compile pictures for K for when he's in Afghanistan.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ok, I have a small idea. Fotki has a password protected picture site. As in you decide the password and then only people with the password can see your pictures. You could start possibly taking fun pictures of yourself for him, that involve bondage and other kinky things, and see what he thinks of it. Also write some stories and email them to him. Coincide the stories and pictures even better.

I'm already starting to compile pictures for K for when he's in Afghanistan.

Just a note of warning--my husband was deployed twice. The military has blocked sites of this sort. (not sure about this one) Also if a military computer is being used the person can get into LOADS of trouble for viewing any kind of porn. I used to send stories and audiotapes but only PG rated pictures. It was/is not worth the risk in our opinion.

 

[Mazuri]

Ok, I have a small idea. Fotki has a password protected picture site. As in you decide the password and then only people with the password can see your pictures. You could start possibly taking fun pictures of yourself for him, that involve bondage and other kinky things, and see what he thinks of it. Also write some stories and email them to him. Coincide the stories and pictures even better.

I'm already starting to compile pictures for K for when he's in Afghanistan.

He's in computer tech and is extremely paranoid about this kind of thing so he'd freak if I did that. Even sending pics over email or an IM service is out His opinion: unless you're willing to post it on a publicly viewable site, don't let it touch the 'net in any way as there are folks who crack codes/passwords for giggles. Nice idea, but not something he'd appreciate

He's ok with light bondage...has even asked several times (without prompting!) about getting something to work with when he returns. I'm not sure either of us are up to anything as intense as I've seen online.

He swears he has no fantasies other than those he deems 'unrealistic/unattainable' such as every man's 2 girls, etc. It may be that he's simply not aggressive enough to do what I'd like *shrugs* Can't really know until January about that, though

 

[FurryFury]

I think what worked best for us was that I would communicate how intriguing I found spanking in myriad ways but I never pushed for it.

When he tried it, there was an immediate reward he liked. That lead to more.

But what really turned the corner was when he experienced for himself how sensual it can be.

*happy sigh*

 

[Evil_Geoff]

But what really turned the corner was when he experienced for himself how sensual it can be.

*happy sigh*

HAH!

What really did it was playing with violet wand!

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

 

[FurryFury]

*hugs back*

*chuckles*

That was fun but the deal on spanking was sealed long before that night!