BDSM for Undergrads

[Nameless_Rose]

I've been getting some very useful ideas from this post. Thanks everyone! My school is pretty small, about 2000 people, and religiously affiliated, but no one really takes that seriously. I'm pretty sure we don't have a sexual liberation group, but we do have a GSA, and I'm running for president of the college democrats club next year, so maybe I could figure out how to get a club sexual freedom club started. The campus is fairly liberal, but of course there are certain factions which might not appreciate a sexual liberation front. It's definitely worth a shot, though.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Cat, I agree with a great deal of your advice here, but disagree with this, especially as EG mentioned, so many legitimate BDSM associations don't allow people who are under 21 for legal reasons. I think that there are ways to create a group that will naturally attract people who are sexually adventurous without risking one's future career. I know that there are groups on campuses here (granted, I do live in San Francisco) that are "sexual liberation groups." They are sex-positive groups that are fighting sexually repressive public policy, but often will have "educational sessions" including on topics related to bdsm.

Neon

Maybe, but my thinking is if you are the person who sets up such a group, you have basically told the world what your interests are, even if they aren't and as others have said, this can have big problems for career paths depending what career you choose. To attract people, especially if you do not already know any, you have to advertise or at least put the word out....this leaves you open to the wrong people hearing about you and what you are doing, as well as those who would share your interest and want to join. It isn't an issue of legality or even age, except in this instance the OP is very young and not even begun their career path and I would hate for them to find out too late that what they might have dreamed of doing is no longer possible just because they set up a group to meet people through.

There has to be so many other options which are much safer in terms of protecting your future financial security. If the OP was another 10-20 years older, I would think they already have a good possiblity of knowing the risks they are taking and make that call, but sometimes the mix of youthful enthusiasm mixed with the possibility of getting what you want can lead you into possible areas of risk you might not have thought of before in terms of future work opportunities. Even here where it is fully legal to be into BDSM, there are certain areas and professions where it just does not pay to be found to be practicing BDSM in your personal life or you can kiss your career path goodbye. It isn't fair, but it is a reality.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I will politely disagree with catalina on the issue of starting up your own sexual freedom group on campus. The Board Rooms of Fortune 500 companies have plenty of ex-hippies, political activists, radical students, bra-burning feminists, etc in them. Your student group activities don't go on your official college transcript, the only way anyone will know about them is if you put them on your resume' (which many people do to pad their resume's fresh out of school), or if someone does a SERIOUSLY deep background check. Like if you plan on running for high political office.

Just remember "But I didn't inhale..."

If that grandiose, bald-faced lie (along with an already established history of sexual escapades) wasn't enough to keep William Jefferson Clinton out of the Oval Office, 20 years from now no one is going to care if you started a sex-positive student group.

The only folks who would worry about it might be some far right-wing politcal types, Southern Baptists (and other fundy type Christians) and fundamentalist Muslims.

Follow your heart and conscience, this is the time of life when you are SUPPOSED to be fool-hardy and daring!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I will politely disagree with catalina on the issue of starting up your own sexual freedom group on campus. The Board Rooms of Fortune 500 companies have plenty of ex-hippies, political activists, radical students, bra-burning feminists, etc in them. Your student group activities don't go on your official college transcript, the only way anyone will know about them is if you put them on your resume' (which many people do to pad their resume's fresh out of school), or if someone does a SERIOUSLY deep background check. Like if you plan on running for high political office.

Just remember "But I didn't inhale..."

If that grandiose, bald-faced lie (along with an already established history of sexual escapades) wasn't enough to keep William Jefferson Clinton out of the Oval Office, 20 years from now no one is going to care if you started a sex-positive student group.

The only folks who would worry about it might be some far right-wing politcal types, Southern Baptists (and other fundy type Christians) and fundamentalist Muslims.

Follow your heart and conscience, this is the time of life when you are SUPPOSED to be fool-hardy and daring!

True, but then I don't see a sexual freedom group the same as a BDSM group and strange as it may seem, I am finding that the strangest coincidences happen years down the track that you never could have imagined in your wildest dreams...some are good, some can be bad. I actually started a group against professional advice also while studying at University, but for me I was a few decades older with options, and a career where you could make it work for you, not necessarilyagainst, and in the end some fairly influential supporters....after I did the work and went against the advice. We are more cautious these days because changes that are happening now are making it more important to think before leaping...I just wish there was not such a push toward embracing right wing ideals, and so many willing to do so.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... We are more cautious these days because changes that are happening now are making it more important to think before leaping...I just wish there was not such a push toward embracing right wing ideals, and so many willing to do so.

Catalina

Amen, sister, preach on! *chuckles* I am finding out that the older I get, the more progressive I become socially... and the more conservative financially.

Freedom, responsibility, compassion, stop asking me for money dammit!

 

[Netzach]

Agreed.

I think a big issue is the constant assumption that age and knowledge of BDSM lore are identical issues, when clearly they're not.

People of the same age tend to feel more comfortable around each other, regardless of their relative experience level.

I've met more people with skill levels greater than mine who are younger than I was when I met them than I did who were older, or much older. At least, skills I found relevant. I was more interested in the issues of people doing suspension bondage once a week or more than people choosing their wives' clothes and food for the last 20 years. The people in the latter category tended to dismiss the people in the former category as weekender trash. It's absurd.

 

[Cheshire D]

This thread's been really helpful, speaking as someone who is also 19. I did go to one of our local (read: 1+ hour away, damn living in one of those huge western states) munch/play parties, and I was the absolute youngest one there. I was still treated respectfully, though. Not sure if that'll change, as I haven't been able to get to another one since. Which is mostly not my fault, as they weren't going on, but now that they are and I haven't been going, I almost worry that they'll think me a "fake" or whatnot. I suppose I shouldn't care but I'm the kind of person who does.

Anywho, not any advice but a thanks for making the thread.

 

[FurryFury]

Couldn't you start a group with a scene name?

Just a thought.

 

[Lamont Cranston]

Couldn't you start a group with a scene name?

Just a thought.

That would seem safe and sane. I would say that you would absolutely have to avoid something that isn't scene / screen names. I would also say that it would be best to NOT do this on the more popular social networking sites. HR departments are becoming very adept at finding what candidates have put in those places -- and I've read that it can get very expensive to hire someone to erase what you put on the web. Once it is there / here it lives for a very long time.
I'm not trying to be discouraging with this just urging caution and thought about the future.

 

[naxalite0906]

Sorry to impose on this somewhat, but I had a few things I wanted to say.
I cannot offer much advice on the whole thing. I have a few issues/worries with being so young too. One, as a Dom, sometimes it is hard to find someone who actually wants a Dom who is so young.. Even the young subs around my age generally want much older Dom's. Two, I am worried about attending munches due to being seen as "the kid", or getting funny looks because I am young. Sure, I am probably being very stupid, but it is what I think. Three, the other thing about attending the munch is the "outing" of myself I guess. I am very paranoid about certain people finding out, including my job. I guess I am worried about my job mainly, but I also think that it isn't a firing offence just for having a kinkier private/social life (when it exists anyway.. lol!)

I guess what I am saying is that I can see where rose is coming from and I understand the worry/frustration too. Perhaps, if anyone out there can comment on what I have said and offer advice on that too, I am sure rose would find it useful and my comments would have proven to be helpful! lol..

Good luck with everything rose

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I am worried about attending munches due to being seen as "the kid", or getting funny looks because I am young. Sure, I am probably being very stupid, but it is what I think.

Well, you know Kid... being "the kid" isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if you're polite and genuine and open about your interests. You'd be amazed at just how helpful the experienced Tops are about sharing their knowledge and techniques. Little Brothers give us a chance to nurture and guide and direct and all that good stuff... all under the manly guise of "showing off"

Three, the other thing about attending the munch is the "outing" of myself I guess. I am very paranoid about certain people finding out, including my job. I guess I am worried about my job mainly, but I also think that it isn't a firing offence just for having a kinkier private/social life (when it exists anyway.. lol!)

Well, if you want to be paranoid, that kinky local sub you meet online might just turn out to be the daughter (or wife!) of your boss! You never know until you swap pics and /or meet. If you run across someone from work at a munch or play party... Hellooooo! You have just as much dirt on them as they have on you, mate! They are there for the same reason! Ding-ding-ding!

If you ever leave your real name on a kinky web site you're far more likely to get found out by someone googgling your name than you are by someone you work with outing you to anyone else at work. They want THEIR kinky privacy kept too, and they don't want the word to get around that they are outting people...

Nuff said.

 

[naxalite0906]

If you run across someone from work at a munch or play party... Hellooooo! You have just as much dirt on them as they have on you, mate! They are there for the same reason! Ding-ding-ding!

Lol.. I knew this, and realised people would pick up on it as soon as I said it.. You are quick of the mark EG

I meant it more in the sense of people seeing me goto these places etc. They are held in various pubs/bars where I live, and people I know do go there. I guess it is just a case of biting the bullet I guess. Its something to be proud of, and no shy worry about. Like I said, I doubt its a firing offence.

As usual though, thanks for the input EG Sounds like you like to show off all the time.. hehe

 

[PrimalGirl]

age..

Nax..age is definitely a state of mind. I will be 40 in August..40 going on 25 - LOL. I look very young for my age, and as such have been misjudged many times. But hey..when Im 50, Ill look 30.

 

[naxalite0906]

Nax..age is definitely a state of mind. I will be 40 in August..40 going on 25 - LOL. I look very young for my age, and as such have been misjudged many times. But hey..when Im 50, Ill look 30.

True.. I feel 25 going on 35 with the way I think about things.. However, I still look young so it means there may be ppl who judge just when they see me and thing I am too young. But from what EG has said, that is just me being paranoid! lol

 

[neonflux]

True.. I feel 25 going on 35 with the way I think about things.. However, I still look young so it means there may be ppl who judge just when they see me and thing I am too young. But from what EG has said, that is just me being paranoid! lol

Nax, I second that. I think that most people will definitely welcome you! Neon

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... As usual though, thanks for the input EG Sounds like you like to show off all the time.. hehe

You're very welcome.

And yes, I'm "out". I'm comfortable in my skin, with who and what I am. I don't wear leathers and carry floggers to work (except maybe at Halloween *weg*) but I've met kinksters there... I don't hide who and what I am anymore. I did it through 14 years of vanilla marriage and in the end it damn near killed me. I was suicidally depressed because the person I loved and wanted to share my life with couldn't accept this part of me at all, wouldn't explore it with me, wouldn't allow me to explore it with others.

I ended the marriage before I ended my life, obviously. Which, all things considered, is probably a good thing.

So I'm one of those very vocal "stop hiding who you are, you're just stressing yourself, come out of the closet!" advocates. Whether it's kink, gender preference/orientation, whatever... If this is a fundamental element of who you are then denying it, hiding it, living in isolation, will only cause you further pain and problems down the road. It will get worse, not better, until you come out.

I wish I had done so in my mid-20's rather than waiting into my mid-30's... it would have saved me a decade or so of increasing loneliness, pain and misery.

YIK,
- Geoff

 

[Ebonyfire]

Amen, sister, preach on! *chuckles* I am finding out that the older I get, the more progressive I become socially... and the more conservative financially.

Freedom, responsibility, compassion, stop asking me for money dammit!

Hey, aren't you rich?

 

[Stegral]

I'm one of those very vocal "stop hiding who you are, you're just stressing yourself, come out of the closet!" advocates. Whether it's kink, gender preference/orientation, whatever... If this is a fundamental element of who you are then denying it, hiding it, living in isolation, will only cause you further pain and problems down the road. It will get worse, not better, until you come out.

I wish I had done so in my mid-20's rather than waiting into my mid-30's... it would have saved me a decade or so of increasing loneliness, pain and misery.

YIK,
- Geoff

I will agree here...
I have been "diagnosed" as Dysthemic or suffer from cronic mild depression.
since meeting fellow kinksters & actually allowing my "bad" side out to play, realizing it is ok to be who I am & I have never felt better in my life. I have been off my anti-depressants (which never really worked anyway) for 6 months now & feel so free I wish the life choices I made a year ago I had happened earlier.
I am still very choosy of whom "plays" with me but Knowing now it is ok & actually encouraged makes the feeling of living multiple lives go away.
I am quite out in the open about it as well (actually had handcuffs on the pull cord for the air horn of my truck for a few weeks) & am not ashamed in any way as it is a part of whom I am.
took 20 years to come to this point, but I am some freaking glad I found it
I have an ex fiance (& the slave that took him from me) to thank for forcing me to investigate the lifestyle & why I lost him & one other to it or I may have never wanted to search out such people & never realized just what I needed...
now I just need to find Him, now that I know what I need....

 

[TheleHun]

.....

 

[NoLeafClover7]

.....

 

[naxalite0906]

True, but if you don't want to broadcast to the world that you're into BDSM, you have to watch the group from a distance, and not formally join it on Facebook, as when you join, your friends will see *insert BDSM group name here* in your groups list.

Yeah.. ditto.. lol

 

[bambi144]

Hey,

I'm 19 at the moment and me and my Master met at uni and have been having a very active s/M life, and a devoted ex, who is also an ex dom, has been sending Master some toys to use and absue me with- only problem witht that is that there is nowhere to store all the stuff! My flatmate came in and saw my Collar on the floor- luckly he only joked about for it---and actually thought that it was being used on my Master!!! (thats what a dominant personality does for you)

and also there was the time my mum came over to visit and was stripping my bed and saw the restraints and handcuffs under the bed!!!
Major nightmare- thank goodness i wasnt in the room- and that she never said anything to me

oh, and there was the time Master told me to cum as loud as i could- which i did- and my flatmates were asking what the noise was- and i had to say that i got really bad cramp in my legs, and it was really painful *blushes* they actually believed that too!!!!

so yeah, being in a BDSM relationship at uni is tough, but i love the thrill!

 

[be_ignited]

Hey,

I'm 19 at the moment and me and my Master met at uni and have been having a very active s/M life, and a devoted ex, who is also an ex dom, has been sending Master some toys to use and absue me with- only problem witht that is that there is nowhere to store all the stuff! My flatmate came in and saw my Collar on the floor- luckly he only joked about for it---and actually thought that it was being used on my Master!!! (thats what a dominant personality does for you)

and also there was the time my mum came over to visit and was stripping my bed and saw the restraints and handcuffs under the bed!!!
Major nightmare- thank goodness i wasnt in the room- and that she never said anything to me

oh, and there was the time Master told me to cum as loud as i could- which i did- and my flatmates were asking what the noise was- and i had to say that i got really bad cramp in my legs, and it was really painful *blushes* they actually believed that too!!!!

so yeah, being in a BDSM relationship at uni is tough, but i love the thrill!

I'm worried I'm going to have a lot of the same troubles when I get back to school. I share a room with two other girls and I already had a few veeeeery close calls last year, but managed to make up enough excuses that my roommates wouldn't think I was a complete freak (a fact I'd much prefer to reveal slowly ). My Dom and I recently did a big toy purchase and those things are going to impossible to explain away. (there are very other convincing uses for a bright pink butt plug...)

 

[dexwebster]

My first comment is to agree with Erika and say hie thee to a TNG.

I'm admittedly biased because I help run one, but I think they're a valuable resource to young people, whether they're "new" to the scene or not. I enjoy talking with older members of the community immensely--the wealth of experience and knowledge they have is immeasurable--but they are so not my peers, in a whole host of ways. We don't share the same cultural experiences, we don't have the same life issues, we don't have the same interests. I got into the scene last January, at 22, and my local TNG was a huge help in making me more socially comfortable. I could have attended workshops every week until I died, but without going to that TNG every week, no way would I be as happy and active and involved with my larger community as I am today.

The list Erika pointed to is pretty out of date, but if you'd like I can get you in contact with someone, well, not quite everywhere, but a heck of a lot of places (the numbers are pretty constantly in flux, but there are somewhere between 50-70 TNGs active and running right now in the US, ranging from anywhere between 600 people on the BR TNG mailing list, to these two kids I know in Omaha, Nebraska).


That said, if you are that interested in running a group at your school, good luck. Most of the college groups I've heard of don't successfully run as BDSM groups, especially not for any length of time (Conversio Virium at Columbia is an exception to this). Some schools, like Washington University in St. Louis, have a more general Alternative Lifestyle Association, so they have speakers on everything from caning and violet wands to asexuality and transgender issues (and if you would like to talk to her, I can get you in touch with the girl who founded the group), and it's seen as...less threatening, and has a broader draw. They are largely BDSM focused, but they also have a kid with no interest in BDSM who, in his own words, likes to feel pretty, whether it included feather boas and makeup or a sharp suit that day, and the ALA is a group where he feels comfortable expressing that.

At 33 I'm still welcome to the youth organization thingies but at 33 I do them the favor of not going unless they want me to present something - I think 18-35 should be way weighted toward 18. Our local group allows anyone but is "geared towards" younger players - you can imagine what happened to that group. It mirrors the other groups except there are some younger people there. Pointless, IMO.

I and a lot of people I know agree this, but I think there...can be some leeway? One big problem that's been found with that is, frankly, the apathy of people my age to run the groups. They'll go to events, they'll come out to parties, but they don't want to run anything. They don't want to be part of the community at large, they don't want to participate or volunteer. It's been a hell of a time trying to find more coordinators to replace our soon to be retiring 32 year old--he feels the same way you do, that TNG is the province of the 19 end of the spectrum and not the 35.

I don't know that staying away entirely is necessarily doing them a favor though. Black Rose TNG *social* events run on the principle that they're "hosted by" TNG so everyone is welcome. They are in no way exclusive to TNG members. We strongly encourage and promote the fact that it is a TNG event, but we have a handful of +35 people who show regularly, some of whom were in TNG and have aged out but still like hanging out with the friends they've made, a couple who simply by circumstance of life feel more among peers with us: they're in grad school, working three jobs, dating. And yes, there are a few older people (like, 60s+) who can't take a hint, but that's the choice we've made in declaring social events open.

And for social events, that's great. It's nice to have a mix that still skews to TNG age. I like it. I like talking to the 30-35 year olds. They're a bridge of sorts between "Us" and "Them", more easily relatable than someone who's 55, but not so far that I'm not comfortable. Some events are a little more strictly run when they're held in private homes--if you are not a known and accepted quantity in at least some respect, and if that 22 year old girl isn't comfortable with a 33 year old man she's never met, then so be it. And we have Play events are usually TNG Only Events. You *will* be carded at the door for age, period. I think there's a lot of leeway.

 

[OzoneRed]

Conversio Virium

Try doing a Google search on "Conversio Virium". It's a BDSM-oriented information and discussion group for undergrads, based at Columbia University.