BDSM: Questions and Answers

[Frouwa_Aph]

Re: as usual my comments on this and that *s*

*winks* you know - there are male subs too with nice body parts to dangle things from!

GMTA That was just the image that showed up in my mind, as I read about those test tube holders. I think I have to buy some. <eg>
I really love using "normal" items. My lastest toy box item is so called Thera Band, it's a stretchy latex band used in gymnastics and physiotherapy and it comes in several colors, black too.

Grüße
Monika

 

[cymbidia]

Re: Re: as usual my comments on this and that *s*

I really love using "normal" items. My lastest toy box item is so called Thera Band, it's a stretchy latex band used in gymnastics and physiotherapy and it comes in several colors, black too.

Hello, Monica.
I recently purchased several different colors of that very flexible medical bandaging, the stuff they use to wrap round your arm after you give blood. It's great for blindfolds, for instance, and for instant bondage, such as the affixing of one's arms to a chair in a semi public place when it might be a good thing to be able to undo the bondage quickly and with little muss and fuss.

Walking through home improvement stores and down the medical aisle at the grocery store excites me.

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

Toy shopping fun

Hello, Monica.
I recently purchased several different colors of that very flexible medical bandaging, the stuff they use to wrap round your arm after you give blood. It's great for blindfolds, for instance, and for instant bondage, such as the affixing of one's arms to a chair in a semi public place when it might be a good thing to be able to undo the bondage quickly and with little muss and fuss.

Walking through home improvement stores and down the medical aisle at the grocery store excites me.

Hmmm, yes, that sounds like a good toy box item. This stuff should be great for muffler type gags too.

It's even more fun to walk through those shops with a sub/slave in tow (erm, not literally ) And then point out the items and watch the face of him. Oh I love those mindfucks.

Just today I went to a tack shop for a new crop, the price difference never fails to amaze me. I paid about $5 for the crop, I bet it would have been 4times the price in a fetish shop.

Monika

 

[seXieleXie]

holy crapweasle!

i registered on bondage.com and filled out the profile/checklist thing. i checked back half an hour later and had 4 messages! wow, talk about results!

only one of them seems worth talking to, but i've responded to all of them. here's hoping the other three are more interesting on the second time around.

oh, and i am being very careful and planning to go very slowly down this avenue of exploration.

 

[Blackbich]

Just stoppin in to say

Hi everyone. Just wanted to stop in and say I'm thinking about ya'll.

A BIG hello to Risia, who asked about me. You don't know how much you made my day when I read that ! I've missed you too.

Cym, glad to hear things are going better for you. You are too strong of a lady to allow what's happened to break you. I'm very proud of you, my sista. Also, I have to admit, I almost peed my pants when I read your phone call story. Too funny and it sounds like the type of luck I'd have!

Welcome all the new people that I haven't met yet. Monika, I LOVE the packages of bright colored vet wrap that I can get from the tack shops. Great for a mummification scene.

Okay...popping back out for awhile. Hopefully, I'll have my OWN computer soon. When that happens, you guys will see me around a lot more.

 

[cymbidia]

Re: as usual my comments on this and that *s*

Just the thought of a Dom (I may be dead wrong but I imagine an expereienced and somewhat sophisticated Dominant of middle age, maybe somwhere in his late 40's or so) to be talked to on the phone by a mom as if he was a teenager - just too hillarious! That sure has "humor" potential!

Yeh. Very, very funny Hecate! You sure you weren't there? You sure pegged the whole thing well.


BB! Missed you. I may be over your way sometime this spring...

 

[Blackbich]

Re: Re: as usual my comments on this and that *s*

Yeh. Very, very funny Hecate! You sure you weren't there? You sure pegged the whole thing well.


BB! Missed you. I may be over your way sometime this spring...

Awaiting your possible arrival with bated breath.

 

[SpectreT]

Re: Gags- Why do you like them?

I just made a simple bit gag. And like most things I make or buy, if possible, I like to try them out on myself first. I left it on for about a minute. Any longer and I'd be drooling like a hound dog on a hot day. Is the helplessness of having the use of your mouth taken away? Does it add to the overall submissiveness of a scene? Is there a humiliation factor? Does it give you something to bite on when the cane drops across your bottom? Help me out here.

Hrm. Gags. I love 'em. Mostly. Ball gags are my favorite, though I've never had to deal with a penis gag. Being a guy who likes crossdressing, that could open a whole can of psychological worms I'm not sure I'm ready for..... but for the right woman, who's being playful and teasing about it, I'd open my mouth for one of those. Penis gags would definitely be a humiliation game for me. Bit gags, I sincerely loathe. To me, they're just useless, pointless tugging at the corners of my mouth. I have a beard, so anyone with a brain is going to avoid using tape on my face; having my mouth stuffed with cloth and covered over with more cloth and an Ace bandage (Have to get some of that medi-wrap) is occasionaly fun, but cym's absolutely right about dehydration. I tried a damp cloth, but that didn't help much.

I'm a very oral person, and the sensation of something filling my mouth is incredible to me (another reason I'm a little hinky about penis gags). Plus, I like anything tight on or around my head, so gags and blindfolds are both all kinds of fun for me.

 

[WriterDom]

Anyone who has waded through all these threads knows of our affection for Home Depot. I was there today, and bought 11.5 feet of brass chain. (at 67 cents a foot) They have a really nice selection of chains there. Not jewelry quality, but nice enough for toys. I wasn't prepared for the cashiers question of "This is really nice, what are you going to use it for?" I think I mumbled something about using it to make things. I wished I'd had a nilla friendly answer prepared, but was caught off guard.

 

[Natalie Nessus]

Re: holy crapweasle!

i registered on bondage.com and filled out the profile/checklist thing. i checked back half an hour later and had 4 messages! wow, talk about results!

only one of them seems worth talking to, but i've responded to all of them. here's hoping the other three are more interesting on the second time around.

oh, and i am being very careful and planning to go very slowly down this avenue of exploration.

Be very careful please be, it is necessary to be so

 

[seXieleXie]

Re: Re: holy crapweasle!

Be very careful please be, it is necessary to be so

i will, of course.

i'm still just doing e-mails for now. i'm very picky ("you're too into s&m, you're too far away, you're too young, you're too married").

some perks are the amusingly stupid e-mails ("hi i'm a 17 y/o male interested in learning to dominate") and getting to see how good looking WD is

 

[seXieleXie]

okay, question...

what kind of questions do you a Dom/me you're interested in getting involved with?

i spent some time talking to someone today in IMs and basically he asked me some questions, i answered and sometimes asked him a question along with it, then he gave his point of view and then asked his next question. after a while he asked me if i had any questions. i had a few but they were fairly superficial. he asked me to think about it some more and e-mail him if i came up with anything.

so what would you ask? i'm not looking for an exhaustive list, just areas to think on.

thanks

 

[morninggirl5]

Someone else on the board sent me a copy of The Story of O and asked that I pass it along when I was done with it. If noone here wants it, I'll post to the GB, but I thought I'd give everyone here first crack at it.


So, if you'd like to read this book, send me a pm and I'll arrange to get it to you. Same deal, please pass it along when you are done.

 

[girl]

what kind of questions do you ask a Dom/me you're interested in getting involved with?

What is your concept of a D/s relationship?
What are the responsibilities of the dominant? of the submissive?
How long have you been in the lifestyle, in real life? (this is assuming you're considering meeting at some point)
What are some things you require of a submissive?
What are some things you would absolutely never ask of a submissive?
How long did your last 2 real life D/s relationships last? (again, assuming a rl meeting)
What do you feel is your most prominent strength? weakness?

Okay, to to qualify things a bit, these questions don't really have right/wrong answers, so if he's never actually been in a rl D/s situation, that doesn't mean he necessarily has to be dismissed out of hand. The questions are more so that you, yourself, have a starting point, so you have an idea of his experience, his views, etc. And the last question might seem a bit odd...asking a dominant what his weakness is...but, in my opinion, a good dom will answer truthfully that he does have 'x' weakness. usually it's something broad and abstract, which is fine, for the purpose of the question. He doesn't have to get specific and say, "I can't seem to hold down a job." Some people don't think that's an appropriate question to ask...and that's fine. To me, it is, simply because it tells me that he can acknowledge his faults. But not everyone wants to know their dom/me's faults.

Good luck, lexie and, like everyone's said...please be careful.


girl

 

[WriterDom]

seXieleXie



There are many red flags that you need to be aware of. Just because you ask a question doesn't mean that you'll get an honest answer. Well, I was going to tell you to look this up, but I'll post it again for the benefit of others that might not have seen it. And also have cym and RS secretly check the guy out if he's on bondage.com. He doesn't need to know about it, and you can trust them. I've had submissives ask for sub references. Has anyone here required that? I was rather taken back the first time it happened, but safety concerns for what we do is at a higher level than the V people.

The Online Predator
Author Unknown


The following is a composite profile of an Online Predator. This profile was compiled by a number of submissive women for the use of submissive women. It is written from the perspective of a submissive female whose nature requires her to respond to a dominant male.

The Online Predator


1) Definition:

The Online Predator is one who uses the mechanisms of cyber space to hunt human beings with the intent to exploit, rob, plunder and pillage their body,mind, heart and soul.

2) Characteristics of a Predator:

1. Liar: ( Self explanatory )
2. Deceiver: His self situation is presented as other than what it is.
3. Betrayer: He is likely to break trust.
4. Insecure: He is worried that others will be faithless.
5. Inconsistent: He will say one thing while doing another.
6. Lacking Honor: Usually while protesting that he has honor.
7. Lack of Respect: He will tend to denigrate others.
8. Transient: He is unlikely to have many long term friends.
9. Manipulator: He calculates and contrives for his own benefit to the detriment of his partner.
10. Secretive: He will tend to cloak himself and his activities.
11. Charming: If he could not steal your breath away, he would not be a successful hunter.
12. Selective: He will pick victims carefully, looking for weaknesses and filling those voids completely.
13. Chameleon: He will appear to fit any need perfectly and adapt to fill any desire.
14. Lacking in Self Control: Although at times, he may have extraordinary self control and discipline.

A predator probably exhibits these characteristics in all aspects of his life. It may be that the only place the predator seems to have honor and value Truth is in the Relationship he is developing with his victim. When developing a new relationship, a submissive should make a conscious effort to observe her partnerâs interaction with others, not just how he interacts with her. The predator may well reveal his true self through his interactions.
But, the submissive may only see this revelation if she is committed to taking every precaution for her own safety.

3) Predator Warning Signals:

While any of these phrases or actions may be acceptable in a given context, pay close attention when seeing or hearing them. Phrases:
1. Do not tell .
2. ( ) is crazy ! ( or psycho, sick, a liar, or out to get me )
3. It would be best if you no longer spoke to .
4. I do not need to defend myself against lies.
5. They are just jealous ( of me, of us, of what we have, that you have me ).

Actions:

1. May seldom be in the D/s chat rooms. Operates from other areas or private rooms.
2. Has personal information which is incomplete or not verifiable.
3. Becomes defensive or angry when questioned.
4. Questions the sincerity of the submissive when questioned.
5. He will usually discourage or forbid the practice of reference checks.
6. He will usually discourage or forbid the use of Safe Calls.

4) The Submissives Personal Warning Signals:

These are items that a submissive should pay attention to if she is saying them to herself or hearing them from others.
1. I feel he is just too good to be true.
2. You are hearing consistent warnings from more that one person.
3. Your instincts are whispering something is not right about this person.

5) Summary:

The final best defense any submissive has against an Online Predator is her own common sense and judgment. The submissive should always remember that desires, needs, and the heat of the moment can combine to drown that judgment. Always take a moment to step back, take a deep breath and look at a
potential partner with common sense and not with passion


What is a "Red Flag"?

A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.


Some common examples might be:

1) Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at
all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.

2) Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take
several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.

3) Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many
subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so
lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor
understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.

4) Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5) Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others,or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6) A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both
Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

8) Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day
to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of
different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character.However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be
careful.

And please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

Thanks for posting this important text again, WD. Predators online or not are dangerous. Even if there is no bodily harm, the emotional consequences can be just as devestating. And I'd say this text is not just for female subs, but for all people dating online, be they male or female, dom/me or sub.

Gut feeling is very important, when I talk/write to a potential sub I always watch my reactions carefully. All the time I went against my initial gut feeling, things went wrong. I hope I've finally learned that lesson.

LeXie, questions are very important and when I talk to a sub I'm interested in... well... my second name is question... <g> The reactions and answers to my questions tell me a lot about the person. And I'm always very happy, when the sub asks questions as well. There are no superficial questions in this kind of dialog for me. Ask him all things that come to your mind. I can only speak for myself, but I like it very much, if a sub asks a lot and comments on my suggestions.
How did his questions made you feel? Good, bad, nervous, tingly all over? Again... gut feeling.

Yanno... what I like best about the BDSM community? Questions, dialog, communication are important and it's OK to ask and to talk, it's even expected. In a 'nilla relationship there is so much guessing and assuming. That's one of the main reasons I shy away from 'nilla.

Monika

 

[seXieleXie]

hey everyone... three lexie posts on one page... can you handle it?

just a note to say i'm heading back to school, so i won't be around for a day or two. didn't want anyone to think i'd run away with someone from a certain website that shall remain nameless

you are all fabulous people and i hope to read lots of interesting stuff when i come back to catch up!

 

[Guest]

NCSF will be holding a meeting with the NYC community on
Thursday, February 7th
6-8pm
at the Center
13th Street between 7th and 8th Ave

The good news is that prosecution of the heavy consensual SM case in NYC is still being "taken under advisement." After 6 weeks of delay, the defense/defendant has received no contact from the NYC prosecutor. NCSF is growing confident that prosecution will not be resumed. Taking a case under advisement is a common method of shelving a case without having to openly admit it was a mistake.

NCSF is proud to have played a part in rallying the NYC community and key LGBT leaders, who contacted Linda Fairstein and others in the NYC district attorney's office, urging them to not prosecute consensual SM. The fact that Linda Fairstein, a tough-minded prosecutor, has postponed the prosecution of consensual SM and ceased demanding a misdemeanor criminal plea is a victory for our entire community.

In addition, Linda Fairstein, NYC prosecutor for the special victims unit, is retiring on February 1st, 2002. This gives the NYC community an opportunity to educate her successor in the district attorney's office as well as the dozens of other prosecutors about the SM-Leather-Fetish communities and the difference between SM vs. abuse.

NCSF intends to work with a group of leaders and activists in the NYC area to create an educational program that we can take to the district attorney. If you are interested in being involved in this working committee, please attend our community meeting at the Center on February 7th.

Thank you to everyone in the NYC community who rallied around thiscause. We have shown that if we stand up for our rights, we can make a difference.

###

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) is a national
organization committed to protecting freedom of expression among consenting adults. Based in Washington, D.C., NCSF works through legal initiatives, lobbying, outreach, and education to promote greater understanding of sexuality and human rights. Founded in 1997, NCSF mobilizes diverse grassroots communities to help changeantiquated and unfair sex laws, and to protect free speech and advance privacy rights. NCSF is dedicated to ensuring that all consenting adults can express their sexual identity freely and openly, without fear.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, Inc.
Media Hotline: 202-955-1029
General Information Line: 202-955-1023
1312 18th Street NW, Suite 102
Washington, DC 20036
media@ncsfreedom.org
www.ncsfreedom.org

 

[morninggirl5]

seXieleXie



There are many red flags that you need to be aware of. Just because you ask a question doesn't mean that you'll get an honest answer. Well, I was going to tell you to look this up, but I'll post it again for the benefit of others that might not have seen it. And also have cym and RS secretly check the guy out if he's on bondage.com. He doesn't need to know about it, and you can trust them. I've had submissives ask for sub references. Has anyone here required that? I was rather taken back the first time it happened, but safety concerns for what we do is at a higher level than the V people.

I just can't help myself.



Would that be the Village People, by any chance?


The book has been claimed so the massive pm's can stop now.

 

[cymbidia]

I just can't help myself.
Would that be the Village People, by any chance?

I've been giggling since i read this, mg5, and for just that reason!

Ahem.
~trying for the solemnity the subject deserves~
Safety has to be paramount, of course, always, for both parties. I'd be glad to give anyone a reading on my take on your online personals BDSM contacts with the understanding that it'll only and just be my take. Feel free to ignore any and all of what i say. Risia does that for me over on bondage and if she were looking, which she is not no matter HOW many contacts she gets, i think she would ask it of me, too.

BTW, WD is over on bondage, too (and with a really cool pic). I think he'd be good to ask, too. There are more of us from here over there but they have different nicks there and i don't feel comfy outing them in case they're hiding, you know? But RS, WD, and me, we have the same nicks, there and here. Come on over and say hello!

 

[RisiaSkye]

Damn. Double damn. BB was here, and I missed it? GRRR...this week is not working out at all!

Lexie--sounds like you're being appropriately cautious. Good for you. And like WD and cym said, I'm available if you just want a second read on someone over at bondage.com. I *think* I'm trustworthy...at least, that seems to be the word on me. And who am I to argue?

I'm in the middle of rereading Exit to Eden. I don't know why, but this one works better for me than the Beauty books. Actually, scratch that...I do know why. It's the closest I've ever seen anyone come (in writing) to describing the total ambivalence of an equally divided Switch. It's a tricky thing to experience, much less write. It fails in some ways (such as suggesting that she *really* doesn't want to Domme Elliot so much as struggle without resolution of the power exchange), but it works remarkably well in others. Anyone got any other thoughts on this one?

 

[Guest]

Have Question{s}

i have several question{s} but first please allow me to share a little about myself. i am 28 years old, submissive by nature, and married for the second time to the same man who is 51 years old and vanilla. i love Him very much and really don't know where i would be without Him. i grew up in a very strong D/s family and was given to my first Master at the age of 12 years old and have been with Masters ever since until my present Husband. He simply doesn't understand the need that i have to be a submissive in this relationship. My present Husband did divorce me at one time because i was looking else where for a D/s relationship. i found a wonderful Man {age 55} who lived over 600 miles away and gratefully moved the 600+ miles and became His slave with contract and all! Then things happened with my family {illness} and i had to move back so my Master released me from my contract. {He could not come back with me because He was involved with a vanilla wife at the time.} So, i married my present Husband again and He does love me but He doesn't understand and doesn't want to try new things.

Here my questions:: {Finally, Right?}

Is there any suggestions on how i can help my current situation?

Is there any way to help my Husband understand the importance to me of a contract? {to me it would save half the marriages today if T/they had a contract}

Is there any suggestions on how to eplain to my Husband that i do need/want His approval before doing things {in public, around the house, in bed}?

Is there any ideas on how to get Him to try involving pain with pleasure for me in the bedroom? {sorry i'm a pain -getting- freak}

Is there any ideas on how to get Him to understand i crave punishment?

Is there any hope??


PS: There could be another Man in my life if i wanted that but He understands even less than my present Husband about the D/s way of life. So PLEASE HELP!~!~!~!~!

 

[Trinka]

Exit to Eden

I think the Eden book may have "worked" for you better because it is a little closer to reality. Beauty is completely fictional, and, while for me I like to get lost in the fantasy and impossiblity of some of the things described, Eden does work better also. The characters are more lifelike.

Its been a few years since I read Eden. I think the reason she had a hard time domme'ing Elliot was because it was a more personal relationship than she was used to and had to think over what she really wanted.

 

[Trinka]

???

mrsmarried -

perhaps I am missing something, but something in your story does not sound *right* I've read it over a few times and I am still kinda confused. Maybe there are some details missing?

*Confused*

 

[WriterDom]

methinks mrsmarried is our first bdsm troll.